(no subject)
You know that feeling of thinking u are fine but come to discover you have just been sort of numbing everything? Covering up because you have to with schedules or just because you feel like you have to around people or just even to convince yourself? That feeling of realization because you all of a sudden break down in the middle of where ever you are, screaming, crying, pulling your hair, lashing out at things, etc. And then stop and ask yourself..."Where the hell did that come from?!"....yeah...for me...it just started.... I am maybe about 5 seconds away from actually doing that. And yet I can feel myself consciously now trying to hold it back because it hurts and I hate being alone for it right now...for some odd reason I do. It hurts to let it out and it hurts more to hold it in. I know this, but for some reason I won't let myself continue. I just started to let some tears out and stopped myself. Why? Why can't I just let myself breathe? Why do I feel trapped?
I can feel it building so much more...so much that it just wants to explode out of my mouth like vomit....graphic use of words but true none the less. It's like vomit. I am just too stressed...and too angry lately...too many thigns have happened and aren't happening and things I am not prepared to deal with right now. People doing things that are such pet peeves. People doing things I just can't allow myself to go by tolerating anymore. Schedules being too swamped for me to even handle. Being too busy to actually find the time to just breathe and do something different for a change. Having to lose people for reasons I don't even know where to begin to explain...and yet i thought through all this I would have at least one good person...one good friend who would somethow show compassionate understanding and not make me feel like I am wrong. I won't let myself do it. Im still holding back. I just wish someone was here to just be here. I want to have that someone hear my tears, hold me even, not even say a word. Even just to sit there close to me and watch me cry as to be a witness to this event...that even sounds so much better than what I have right now. I feel stuck because i don't know who I can go to anymore. I don't know who sincerely wants to be there and who would want to be there. Who will understand (I don't expect everyone too but i just wish I had someone here who knew me well enough to I guess) Who will just .....love me. I feel it.... i feel it...it's like choking on whatever it is trying to get out. I am just starting to feel so tired and drained....maybe the fact that my Dad's one year anniversary is coming up in like a month. Maybe my subconcious has that on it's mind now. But there is so much more... i don't even want to write about everything that has been actually bothering me.
I don't want to feel this...and I don't want to be alone either. This feeling seems familiar but at the same time...there is something so different and something I have never felt. I have work at 6 am...should be sleeping...and i know i am tired enough to sleep but I can't.... I don't want to... i have too much on my mind that I am almost scared to just lie still in the dark waiting for my body to become paralized for sleeping. I don't like the waiting part, because in that time I will be thinking. I just want to be kept up. Can I do it? I sure am going to try. I just can't do this right now... I can't. I don't know how right now. I'm scared. There I said it. I am actually partially scared. I don't know what else to say...and yet I am shocked and almost angry at myself for the fact that I havent written in forever and this is what I end up feeling I want to get out in a online journal. Maybe it is a way to try and keep me up longer... i don't know...but I wish I would have written something better than this. *sigh*....It's starting. And no one is around....
I can feel it building so much more...so much that it just wants to explode out of my mouth like vomit....graphic use of words but true none the less. It's like vomit. I am just too stressed...and too angry lately...too many thigns have happened and aren't happening and things I am not prepared to deal with right now. People doing things that are such pet peeves. People doing things I just can't allow myself to go by tolerating anymore. Schedules being too swamped for me to even handle. Being too busy to actually find the time to just breathe and do something different for a change. Having to lose people for reasons I don't even know where to begin to explain...and yet i thought through all this I would have at least one good person...one good friend who would somethow show compassionate understanding and not make me feel like I am wrong. I won't let myself do it. Im still holding back. I just wish someone was here to just be here. I want to have that someone hear my tears, hold me even, not even say a word. Even just to sit there close to me and watch me cry as to be a witness to this event...that even sounds so much better than what I have right now. I feel stuck because i don't know who I can go to anymore. I don't know who sincerely wants to be there and who would want to be there. Who will understand (I don't expect everyone too but i just wish I had someone here who knew me well enough to I guess) Who will just .....love me. I feel it.... i feel it...it's like choking on whatever it is trying to get out. I am just starting to feel so tired and drained....maybe the fact that my Dad's one year anniversary is coming up in like a month. Maybe my subconcious has that on it's mind now. But there is so much more... i don't even want to write about everything that has been actually bothering me.
I don't want to feel this...and I don't want to be alone either. This feeling seems familiar but at the same time...there is something so different and something I have never felt. I have work at 6 am...should be sleeping...and i know i am tired enough to sleep but I can't.... I don't want to... i have too much on my mind that I am almost scared to just lie still in the dark waiting for my body to become paralized for sleeping. I don't like the waiting part, because in that time I will be thinking. I just want to be kept up. Can I do it? I sure am going to try. I just can't do this right now... I can't. I don't know how right now. I'm scared. There I said it. I am actually partially scared. I don't know what else to say...and yet I am shocked and almost angry at myself for the fact that I havent written in forever and this is what I end up feeling I want to get out in a online journal. Maybe it is a way to try and keep me up longer... i don't know...but I wish I would have written something better than this. *sigh*....It's starting. And no one is around....