Procrastinative Musings
I'm not homesick, not even a little. In fact, I have pretty much no desire to go home aside from the fact that there's a big pretty beach there.
This weekend is parents' weekend, and everyone is very excited about seeing their parents, understandably. What's got me thinking is all those people who don't have parents coming. Many of them are very much homesick. I feel bad that I'm not. To be honest, I rather dread going home for Christmas break. I have nightmares about my family. I deeply dread and hate the responsibility and difficult that they represent in my mind. I had a dream last night that my mom told me to take care of preparing the vegetable component of the meal for a large group of people and that it had to be done soon, but it was very difficult to find that many vegetables and I ended up not being able to do it right or find anything or make a decision, so my mom came, angry that I had failed and did it all herself. I was a failure, I was stressed, I was angry, I was trapped. That's how I feel at home. I have so many obligations that I feel like I have no freedom. Honestly, I feel like a 40-year-old man tied down with a job and a family and obligations - but I didn't tie myself down, I was tied down forcibly, and told to enjoy it.
That's a terribly selfish way to view things, but I'm just being honest. When I go home for Christmas break, I'm going to spend the vast majority of it baby-sitting my sisters. Don't get me wrong, I love my little sisters to pieces and I can't wait to see them and play with them, but I hate being tied down to them for weeks. All my friends will be around and they'll be at the beach all day, or doing all kinds of things and I'll be at home with my sisters. There's value to the latter, and I'm sure i'll enjoy it, but I'd much rather do what I want.
I must acknowledge that perhaps what I want is not the be all and end all of the world. It will be great for my mom to have somebody to help for a few weeks. I know she's been extremely stressed and overwhelmed for the past few months; raising 3 little girls all by herself. She's stressed and frazzled and unhappy. I care, and it makes me sad, but I don't care enough to do anything about it. I was so glad to be out of there for the very reasons that she's so stressed now, except her situation is intensely magnified now that she's alone. I've wondered if perhaps being here is selfish. What if I went back home to help my mom out? It would certainly be a more financially sound decision. Wheaton is Uber-espensive. It would also seem like the good, caring, selfless, sacrificing Christian thing to do. Leave a place that I love and enjoy immensely, for somewhere much more difficult in order that my entire family could have an objectively better life. My sisters would be able to do more activities and spend less time in the car. They'd get to see more of my mother as she really is, calm, collected and wonderfully loving and patient. I'm afraid that these days they see too much of her frayed nerves and impatient stress that they're just not getting the best parenting, and it is, without a doubt my fault. Certainly, I'm within my "rights" to go off to a good college, but just because I'm entitled to something doesn't mean I should take it.
I've been playing with this idea for months now, and I really don't want to, but there's a part of me that says that I should. There's also a voice which says that to give up this amazing college education would be to throw my life away. I wouldn't be able to get a very good job or have much of a "future" without a decent college education. I, personally, don' really mind that all too much, I'm perfectly content to live in a tiny house with nothing but a library card and good friends, but I can't conceive of bringing a wife and children into an environment like that.
Life is big and complicated and I feel like I have to make all the decisions now. I guess all I can do right now is study for my english midterm tomorrow. And hey! If I flunk out of school, I'll say it's a sign from God that I'm not meant to be here! (what a cop-out)
Don't get the wrong idea, I'm not totally depressed about all of this. I've gotten really good at suppressing my conscience and not really feeling bad about things. I can rationalize anything these days. Stupid mind won't turn off. Which is actually a good thing, but that's a whole 10 page essay that needs to be written, but not tonight.
As a side-note, stressed people make me sad. There are lots of them around here, and they all need a combination of chill-pills and hugs and then they need to come play with me because I am sooooo not stressed about school, it kindof rocks, and will continue to rock until those rocks come hurtling toward my head at the end of the semester in the form of c's and d's and lost scholarships.
As another side note, St Augustine is pretty freaking awesome. I don't feel like elaborating on it, but this particular line means so much to me right now. "You ordained that every inordinate affection should be its own punishment."
As another side note, I'm completely confused about everything, yet strangely, I think that's ok. Maybe that's a good place to start.