Bouncing off of clouds we are
I have never been so stressed out in my life. Everything is so dredful right now and I'm about to loose it.
This Spanish class is not agreeing to my brain waves, and I have given up. Even if I somehow manage a C in the class, there is no way I will be able to know enough to pass 102 in the fall. NO WAY. I hate learning things that don't come natural to me. If I could teach myself, or have a Boris like friend who could teach me. Ohh Boris how I miss you. You were so funny with your broken english and contempt for Americans. How we could have been such better friends if not for your old world girl-e-friend. Tupia capropka. Anyways, this is a lost cause. Thus far in college I have'nt given up on a class and I thought I might really be smart. (side note, there is a woman with the same tattoo as Boris who just walked by. wierd) In Spanish I am not. My every waking moment has been concerned with my homework for this class. Psychology and Anthropology are a breeze; but not the espanol. I feel so worthless since I couldnt pull my grade up. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I love Kimya Dawson and the Moldy Peaches. Who's got the crack?
God damit I wish I could just bomb this exam and get it over with. No matter how much I study it is a lost cause. Stop thinking about it now. STOP STOP STOP.
Who's got the crack?
hahaha hopefully not Art. I really must say that this is one of the greatest bands/singers/songs of all time. I'll never forget Arturchik showing them to me in the Bama after I forced him to watch Juno. Ohh what a lovely night.
And in the sea there is a fish that has a great big wish, a wish to be a big cactus with a pink flower on it
I love how you can hear her laughing when she's singing. So simple and perfect.
I started work this past weekend. It is the worst place to work. I thought Alabama was bad, but god damn is it terrible here. One of the managers seems to have some of the worst people skills I have ever seen. Can't smile, can't introduce herself, can't even act like anytime you speak to her it isn't the most annoying moment of her life. There is now way I can do this. FUCK RUBY TUESDAYS!!!!!!!!!!! fuck it fuck it fuck it. I cannot do this. All of the front house staff is still in high school and it is very obvious. I am miserable from the moment I walk in there, until I leave.
On Saturday I cried on my way to work, held back tears all day, and sobbed on the way back home until I collapsed in my room. Saturday was a dredful day. Art left for the weekend after saying how he was going to move out. Our third fight....ever. Everything is fine now, and I knew it would be the whole time. I knew he wasn't going to move out, he just needed to get away for a few days. The whole ordeal was so sad to me. He never gets angry or says anything hurtful, so when he did I was devistated. He did call on Sat. though and appologised.
I don't want to go to class early because the most annoying human I have ever met seems to think we are friends since she went to Gulf Shores for vacaion, and I lived there. She does not get a hint. None whatsoever.
Jim came around last night. I was very excited at first, but then slowly I remembered why I don't mind not having him around. Drunk, blowing all his money, yet he STILL can't pay me back in full. He has an Ipod, but what about mine that he ruined? What about what he owes me? He offered to pay for everyone to trip, and when I looked excited he shoots me dows saying how I couldn't handle it. When I couldnt go to the bar last night because I had to get up early for school, he did not even care. Nor did he say how he would go today when I could go to. The only people he cares about impressing are the guys. Not me. I really don't even care if he is around anymore. I'm so hurt by how he dismisses me. Thinking back, this is how he acted last time he came into town. I was geeked as could be, but by the time he left I was saying 'good ridence'.
That bothers me about a lot of people. I try really hard to help people, feed them when needed, give rides, let them crash, listen to them for hours and hours. It is so unbelievable hard for me to find someone to talk to. The times I try it always seems to be far more interesting for them to interject their thoughts or problems and divert the attention to them. I cannot be imagining this. Since I was in high school I have been like the counsler that everyone NEEDS to talk to. I could probably call Max in Alabama. Since he's older he knows what people need. He always listened and said just the right things. He is one of the greatest people on earth. People need to be able to talk. If I could do that to someone I know things would be better for me right now. I know one of my problems is that I don't really try to talk to anyone, but the hurt of being ignored is sometimes so great that I just keep it inside. I have people who write me, call me, and insist that I listen to them; I always do. This is why most of my friends have so many problems. Well, not because they talk to me, but because I attract people with a whole bunch of shit on their shoulders. If only they knew how bad I want to scream "WHAT ABOUT ME!?!?! JUST BECAUSE I PRETEND I'M OKAY DOESNT MEAN I AM!" So many of my friends who aren't in school seem so blow off my school related stress, or say things about how I picked my schedual. Like I'm tough enough to get through this by myself. Well, I guess I am, since I have; but a little understanding would be nice. Real nice.
A little alone time would also be nice. I cannot count how many times I was woken up by everyone gettting wasted last night. I cannot count how many times I wish I would never see any of them again. Being depressed and stressed makes me HATE everyone. Normally I can look over people's flaws, but when I'm on edge like this I want to shake them and remind how irritating they are. Can't they just be more like me? See, I know that is not the way to think, yet when my stress level is this high I hate them for who they are. I want someone like me. Someone who is very concered with other's well being. I am very conscious of everyone and try to make everyone as happy as possible. But right now, I don't want to see anyone ever again. I want to lay in my room and think about how great it is to have silance. How great it is not to wake up to an alarm.
I needed to write this. I am so irritated with my life right now that I could explode. Or cry. I give up, up, up, up. Down, down, down. Underground where I found a pound.........
...................of weed!
I'm done. A part of me is so ready to get out. SO FUCKING READY. I could go a number of places. I have a credit card, I could go. But I know its worse there. It's worse anywhere but in my head. This is where I am. My head. No one else is welcome.
This Spanish class is not agreeing to my brain waves, and I have given up. Even if I somehow manage a C in the class, there is no way I will be able to know enough to pass 102 in the fall. NO WAY. I hate learning things that don't come natural to me. If I could teach myself, or have a Boris like friend who could teach me. Ohh Boris how I miss you. You were so funny with your broken english and contempt for Americans. How we could have been such better friends if not for your old world girl-e-friend. Tupia capropka. Anyways, this is a lost cause. Thus far in college I have'nt given up on a class and I thought I might really be smart. (side note, there is a woman with the same tattoo as Boris who just walked by. wierd) In Spanish I am not. My every waking moment has been concerned with my homework for this class. Psychology and Anthropology are a breeze; but not the espanol. I feel so worthless since I couldnt pull my grade up. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I love Kimya Dawson and the Moldy Peaches. Who's got the crack?
God damit I wish I could just bomb this exam and get it over with. No matter how much I study it is a lost cause. Stop thinking about it now. STOP STOP STOP.
Who's got the crack?
hahaha hopefully not Art. I really must say that this is one of the greatest bands/singers/songs of all time. I'll never forget Arturchik showing them to me in the Bama after I forced him to watch Juno. Ohh what a lovely night.
And in the sea there is a fish that has a great big wish, a wish to be a big cactus with a pink flower on it
I love how you can hear her laughing when she's singing. So simple and perfect.
I started work this past weekend. It is the worst place to work. I thought Alabama was bad, but god damn is it terrible here. One of the managers seems to have some of the worst people skills I have ever seen. Can't smile, can't introduce herself, can't even act like anytime you speak to her it isn't the most annoying moment of her life. There is now way I can do this. FUCK RUBY TUESDAYS!!!!!!!!!!! fuck it fuck it fuck it. I cannot do this. All of the front house staff is still in high school and it is very obvious. I am miserable from the moment I walk in there, until I leave.
On Saturday I cried on my way to work, held back tears all day, and sobbed on the way back home until I collapsed in my room. Saturday was a dredful day. Art left for the weekend after saying how he was going to move out. Our third fight....ever. Everything is fine now, and I knew it would be the whole time. I knew he wasn't going to move out, he just needed to get away for a few days. The whole ordeal was so sad to me. He never gets angry or says anything hurtful, so when he did I was devistated. He did call on Sat. though and appologised.
I don't want to go to class early because the most annoying human I have ever met seems to think we are friends since she went to Gulf Shores for vacaion, and I lived there. She does not get a hint. None whatsoever.
Jim came around last night. I was very excited at first, but then slowly I remembered why I don't mind not having him around. Drunk, blowing all his money, yet he STILL can't pay me back in full. He has an Ipod, but what about mine that he ruined? What about what he owes me? He offered to pay for everyone to trip, and when I looked excited he shoots me dows saying how I couldn't handle it. When I couldnt go to the bar last night because I had to get up early for school, he did not even care. Nor did he say how he would go today when I could go to. The only people he cares about impressing are the guys. Not me. I really don't even care if he is around anymore. I'm so hurt by how he dismisses me. Thinking back, this is how he acted last time he came into town. I was geeked as could be, but by the time he left I was saying 'good ridence'.
That bothers me about a lot of people. I try really hard to help people, feed them when needed, give rides, let them crash, listen to them for hours and hours. It is so unbelievable hard for me to find someone to talk to. The times I try it always seems to be far more interesting for them to interject their thoughts or problems and divert the attention to them. I cannot be imagining this. Since I was in high school I have been like the counsler that everyone NEEDS to talk to. I could probably call Max in Alabama. Since he's older he knows what people need. He always listened and said just the right things. He is one of the greatest people on earth. People need to be able to talk. If I could do that to someone I know things would be better for me right now. I know one of my problems is that I don't really try to talk to anyone, but the hurt of being ignored is sometimes so great that I just keep it inside. I have people who write me, call me, and insist that I listen to them; I always do. This is why most of my friends have so many problems. Well, not because they talk to me, but because I attract people with a whole bunch of shit on their shoulders. If only they knew how bad I want to scream "WHAT ABOUT ME!?!?! JUST BECAUSE I PRETEND I'M OKAY DOESNT MEAN I AM!" So many of my friends who aren't in school seem so blow off my school related stress, or say things about how I picked my schedual. Like I'm tough enough to get through this by myself. Well, I guess I am, since I have; but a little understanding would be nice. Real nice.
A little alone time would also be nice. I cannot count how many times I was woken up by everyone gettting wasted last night. I cannot count how many times I wish I would never see any of them again. Being depressed and stressed makes me HATE everyone. Normally I can look over people's flaws, but when I'm on edge like this I want to shake them and remind how irritating they are. Can't they just be more like me? See, I know that is not the way to think, yet when my stress level is this high I hate them for who they are. I want someone like me. Someone who is very concered with other's well being. I am very conscious of everyone and try to make everyone as happy as possible. But right now, I don't want to see anyone ever again. I want to lay in my room and think about how great it is to have silance. How great it is not to wake up to an alarm.
I needed to write this. I am so irritated with my life right now that I could explode. Or cry. I give up, up, up, up. Down, down, down. Underground where I found a pound.........
...................of weed!
I'm done. A part of me is so ready to get out. SO FUCKING READY. I could go a number of places. I have a credit card, I could go. But I know its worse there. It's worse anywhere but in my head. This is where I am. My head. No one else is welcome.