All of the stars are faded away, try not to worry, you'll see them one day
No school. couldnt do it. my journal is packed away, so im forced to use the damn computer. its so impersonal here. but faster than writing.
jim drank last night, slept in Bridgette's bed, did some pills, didnt call me until 9, and lied about it all. i dont know why its never enough. why do i keep going back to him? he makes me madder than i have ever been in my whole life! i feel voulnerable, used, ignored, taken advantage of, abused, yet i still go back to him when he promises to get sober, get a job, and act his fucking age. he said the same thing to me tonight, and i almost believed it...but i need to be strong, i cant keep going back to him for the rest of my life. i already blew college for him, and now what? i have to grow up, i dont need him. why cant i see that? i get so scared to be without him...how do i function without someone holding my hand? its scary out there when your alone...and i truely am, its not so bad, but scary. im used to haveing people around me 24/7, even if i didnt want them there, they always were...but now, ive pushed them all away, i need solitude, yet the one person i should be running as far away as possible, i keep going back to, trusting, loving. why cant i do what the rest of the world has done to him? ignore him, and tell him to clean up his act, and then come around. everyone fucking can see it but me, im so blinded by him. im honestly convinced that one of these days, after i cry and scream he will just get it, and we will be perfect. well that day isnt going to comg. hes an alacholic, a very bad one, and he doesnt understand that...so theres no hope. hes very bad for me. im going to try my hardest to stay away. ill be strong...everything will be fine.
DAY ONE
i got back from Saginaw around 6pm, and he hadnt called since 1:30 this morning, and left a message saying he would call me in the morning. i call every place i can think of, and nobody has seen him. Betty tells me that him and Ryan were drinking last night, and they left. i was convinced that he had been picked up for drunk driving, and was in jail. he finally calls me at 9, and i ask what he did last night, and he said he hung out at Betty's. I asked if he had been drinking..."no" i asked where he slept, "in Bridgette's bed with Ryan and her" i say "so you got wasted, and did a bunch of pills?" "...." he has to drop in 2 days, and he has no job, and is on probation. he does nothing all day but sleep, and party all night. we had an agreement that we would stay together as long as he didnt drink, or i didnt fuck any other guys...well he went 48 hours before he was wasted. and his excuse is "i said we werent going to be together until we lived in the same city" well we said a lot of things, but nothing was final, and i even said "so if i spent last night fucking some guy, you would have no right to be mad at me right?" well of course he didnt see the logic to that, and just ended up saying im controling, and all i do is try to get him to kiss my ass, and he doesnt need to be with that, and how this isnt working. he says this same shit everytime he gets mad at me...hes even admidt that he makes up things when hes mad just to make me mad. real nice guy i have there. he says he wants to work on it, and blah blah blah, but i know its all bullshit. i would love to just flick him away, and say good riddence, but when i hear about what hes doing it just pisses me off so much that he could act to stupid, i keep going back to him to try to help...but it never works. IT WILL NEVER WORK!!! I CANT SAVE HIM! i need these things tatooed on my arm so that i will never forget the truth.
so to sum it all up, he fucked up BIG TIME, and i turn out to be the bad guy as usual. how sweet. no more jim. i can be strong. ill write in this thing 100 times a day if thats what will keep me away from him. im going to do something with my life...im not useless. its going to hurt, but if i can survive it, i will have learned a very good lesson. i need to be strong. maybe get an apartment with Lindsie, and Sabrinia. then i could find some new friends, still have the old ones i want, and be a hermit. i can do this. i an do this. im the little engine that could. i just have to write as long as it takes to convince myself. i need to see in my heart that he is very bad. Please help me with this, im going to need it, i cant do this on my own. if im going to survive, then someone needs to help me. yes, i can do this.
the night wasnt a total bust..Lindsie and i went to the vous, had grilled cheese, and talked to GayJake and his friend for a while about high school, people comming out of the closet, and all around great gossip...lol gotta love lindsie. shes a cool chickie.
now its time to smoke and watch sex and the city.
jim drank last night, slept in Bridgette's bed, did some pills, didnt call me until 9, and lied about it all. i dont know why its never enough. why do i keep going back to him? he makes me madder than i have ever been in my whole life! i feel voulnerable, used, ignored, taken advantage of, abused, yet i still go back to him when he promises to get sober, get a job, and act his fucking age. he said the same thing to me tonight, and i almost believed it...but i need to be strong, i cant keep going back to him for the rest of my life. i already blew college for him, and now what? i have to grow up, i dont need him. why cant i see that? i get so scared to be without him...how do i function without someone holding my hand? its scary out there when your alone...and i truely am, its not so bad, but scary. im used to haveing people around me 24/7, even if i didnt want them there, they always were...but now, ive pushed them all away, i need solitude, yet the one person i should be running as far away as possible, i keep going back to, trusting, loving. why cant i do what the rest of the world has done to him? ignore him, and tell him to clean up his act, and then come around. everyone fucking can see it but me, im so blinded by him. im honestly convinced that one of these days, after i cry and scream he will just get it, and we will be perfect. well that day isnt going to comg. hes an alacholic, a very bad one, and he doesnt understand that...so theres no hope. hes very bad for me. im going to try my hardest to stay away. ill be strong...everything will be fine.
DAY ONE
i got back from Saginaw around 6pm, and he hadnt called since 1:30 this morning, and left a message saying he would call me in the morning. i call every place i can think of, and nobody has seen him. Betty tells me that him and Ryan were drinking last night, and they left. i was convinced that he had been picked up for drunk driving, and was in jail. he finally calls me at 9, and i ask what he did last night, and he said he hung out at Betty's. I asked if he had been drinking..."no" i asked where he slept, "in Bridgette's bed with Ryan and her" i say "so you got wasted, and did a bunch of pills?" "...." he has to drop in 2 days, and he has no job, and is on probation. he does nothing all day but sleep, and party all night. we had an agreement that we would stay together as long as he didnt drink, or i didnt fuck any other guys...well he went 48 hours before he was wasted. and his excuse is "i said we werent going to be together until we lived in the same city" well we said a lot of things, but nothing was final, and i even said "so if i spent last night fucking some guy, you would have no right to be mad at me right?" well of course he didnt see the logic to that, and just ended up saying im controling, and all i do is try to get him to kiss my ass, and he doesnt need to be with that, and how this isnt working. he says this same shit everytime he gets mad at me...hes even admidt that he makes up things when hes mad just to make me mad. real nice guy i have there. he says he wants to work on it, and blah blah blah, but i know its all bullshit. i would love to just flick him away, and say good riddence, but when i hear about what hes doing it just pisses me off so much that he could act to stupid, i keep going back to him to try to help...but it never works. IT WILL NEVER WORK!!! I CANT SAVE HIM! i need these things tatooed on my arm so that i will never forget the truth.
so to sum it all up, he fucked up BIG TIME, and i turn out to be the bad guy as usual. how sweet. no more jim. i can be strong. ill write in this thing 100 times a day if thats what will keep me away from him. im going to do something with my life...im not useless. its going to hurt, but if i can survive it, i will have learned a very good lesson. i need to be strong. maybe get an apartment with Lindsie, and Sabrinia. then i could find some new friends, still have the old ones i want, and be a hermit. i can do this. i an do this. im the little engine that could. i just have to write as long as it takes to convince myself. i need to see in my heart that he is very bad. Please help me with this, im going to need it, i cant do this on my own. if im going to survive, then someone needs to help me. yes, i can do this.
the night wasnt a total bust..Lindsie and i went to the vous, had grilled cheese, and talked to GayJake and his friend for a while about high school, people comming out of the closet, and all around great gossip...lol gotta love lindsie. shes a cool chickie.
now its time to smoke and watch sex and the city.