(no subject)

[free_introspect]

and i am sitting here in my room debating life
and i dont want to be saved
and for the first time in my life i dont want to be loved
i simply want to be free

his hand running up my thigh
higher past my skirt
and as i turn it away
wanting nothing more - then him to leave
i look into his eyes
and its the scariest eyes i have ever seen
the fierceness

i look down at my body and i am disguisted
i am human
and i am sane

i am not an animal - and he never wanted anything more from me
then what i was willing to give
until i realized that it was too much
it was all for somebody else

all my wants and my desires were never truly mine

and i was confused and insaned by them never becoming reality

how can MY desires become reality - if there never really mine
they came from a part of my body - that was processed - made
rather than born
an aritificial streaming of wants - a product of coprution
the coruption i have wanted to inflict in my body

but have not fully taken up the oppurtunities
and i have sabotaged relationships
because the one man i truly love more than anything in the world
the one man that loved me more than my worth
wouldnt corupt me - but i wanted to be corupted - i wanted it so bad

and now my door has been opened - it was an aritificial want produced by my fear that was inflicted by society
and now i can never have him again

and i ask myself - am i ending up with the right regrets
and i dont want these tears to fall

but i cant help the truth

and as foggy as my world is now becoming
things are appearing much clearer