My Adventures in the MK: Part One
One time, back when I was working as a carpenter, I was shot in the head with a nail-gun. It hit me right in the forehead. Surely the assailant was one of my archnemises. My first guess would be to say Norman Rockwell but this was a year before my meeting him so that theory is sufficiently debunked.
However I'm relatively certain it was the nefarious Mr. Tolliver. The two of us have held a mutual disdain for one another for nearly a decade and have attempted to kill each other quite often with little success.
However he has suffered far more injuries than I have thanks to my natural awesomeness and near invulnerability.
However that's a different story altogether.
I collapsed with the shot and slowly began slipping into unconsciousness since it's hard to stay alert and upright when you get shot in the brain with a nail. I remember staring up at the sky and thinking that the cloud directly above me kind of looked like a woman getting fucked by a giraffe.
When I awoke I was in a strange place I'd never been before. I started walking around and found a box floating in mid-air. I stared at it for a while and then grabbed it, trying to pull it down. It wouldn't budge.
"How and why the fuck is this box floating in the air?" I growled to myself as I clung to the box with my arms and legs wrapped around it, trying to somehow pull it down.
It still wouldn't move.
Finally I got so pissed off at it, I punched it as hard as I could and suddenly a massive gold coin popped out of it.
"Awesome!" I exclaimed as I rushed over to pocket the coin, which magically shrank to normal coin size as soon as I touched it. "Ah fuck! Oh well, it's still gold so it's gotta be worth something."
I continued on my way until I saw a brown shape moving towards me. I stood my ground, waiting for it to get closer so I could see what it was.
As it came closer I realised it was some sort of bizarre mushroom creature. I just laughed and once it was close enough, I kicked it into this giant green pipe that stuck out of the ground.
It smacked against it with a splat and I walked over to confirm the kill of the little mushroom man.
He looked up at me with his large eyes and grumbled, "You'll . . . never get . . . the Princess . . ."
"Princess?" I asked him.
I didn't know anything about any Princess. I just woke up in this damned place.
Green ooze dribbled out of the mushroom creature's mouth and its eyes shut. I kicked it a few more times, just to show it who's boss and climbed up onto the pipe.
I looked down and saw nothing but darkness. There was no way I was jumping down that pipe. I hopped off of the pipe and continued my journey to wherever I was going.
It took about a minute before I ran into another weird creature. This time it was an upright-walking turtle. Last I checked I'd never seen such a thing or heard about it so I climbed up a couple of hills and jumped up on top of another floating block and yelled at the turtle.
"Hey! Turtles walk on four legs! Are you magic? Where the fuck am I? What's this Princess shit? Is she hot? Does she have big titties? What about a nice ass?" I shouted over to the turtle.
It gave me no reply. He just kept walking back and forth on top of the hill. The fucker was ignoring me.
"Hey asshole, I'm fucking talking to you!"
He didn't pay me any attention.
I leapt over onto the hill and grabbed him by his scrawny yellow neck. I squeezed tight and his eyes bulged and I giggled.
I lifted him up off the ground and started walking again, figuring a turtle would make a pretty good weapon in case I ran into more of those mushroom guys or other turtles.
After a while I found another floating box so I swung the turtle at it, smacking it as hard as I could. I figured if I hit it hard enough I might get more coins. However I didn't get a coin at all.
Instead a mushroom popped out. A red mushroom with white spots.
I giggled and grabbed the mushroom and shoved it in my mouth, preparing to trip balls. This place was awesome. Free money, free ‘shrooms, you could kill stuff for no reason and nobody even cared! Who gives a fuck if it was a little weird?
I swallowed down the mushroom and suddenly, instead of tripping balls as I'd anticipated, I grew. Not grew as in got older. Grew as in got bigger. I was suddenly twelve feet tall and everything looked a whole lot smaller, including the turtle that served as my weapon.
I decided that since I was twelve feet tall, nothing could stop me now so the turtle was unnecessary. So I dropkicked him, shattering his shell into tiny pieces and splattering him to bits.
Finally I came across a flag. I figured the flagpole might come in handy so I ripped it out of the ground and wandered into a castle that was nearby.
Once I was inside all I saw was darkness and red light. It didn't take me long to find out the red light was from fire and lava.
For some stupid ass reason there were pits of lava everywhere and lines of fire that swirled about platforms that floated over the lava.
"Man, OSHA is gonna bury this place," I said to myself as I leapt from platform to platform, dodging the fire lines.
I ran into some more turtles that I promptly smashed to bits. I was accosted by blue mushroom guys who I stomped on since they made an awesome splat sound when you stomp on them, as opposed to just kicking them.
Then I found another floating box and hit it without a moment's thought. If it were a mushroom I'd get even bigger, I could smash through solid walls like the Kool-aid man. If it was a coin, I'd be even richer. I found both prospects to be quite awesome.
Instead of a mushroom or a coin a flower popped out of the top. A flower. Like a rose or a tulip, a fucking flower.
"What the fuck?! What am I supposed to do with this shit?" I grumbled to myself.
I lit a cigarette off of a rotating line of fire and stared at the flower coming out of the box.
"What the fuck. This is retarded," I said as I grabbed the flower. "I figure I can give it to that Princess bitch. Maybe she'll be like 'Oh a flower, you're so wonderful, my hero. Maybe I please suck your dick?' That would rock."
Then the flower disappeared and I looked down and noticed my clothes had all changed colour. My jeans were now white and my formerly black t-shirt had changed to red.
"What the fuck is this bullshit?!" I shouted out. "The flower changes the colour of my clothes? This is fucking gay!"
I stormed off and punched the floating box and fire exploded from my hand. It didn't burn me at all. I punched it again and it happened again. I punched the air and a fireball flew from my hand and went bouncing along the ground and out of sight.
I laughed and ran along, hurling balls of fire and stomping everything in sight. It was great.
Finally I came to a large room and the door slammed shut behind me. In the middle of the room was a bridge and standing on the bridge was a giant turtle. This one was as big as I was and had spikes on its back.
"Mwhahahaha!" He laughed as I glanced back at the sealed door. "You'll never save the Princess!"
I raised my eyebrow.
"This one talks, he must be the boss turtle. Maybe I can find something out from him," I thought.
I spoke up, "Yeah, hey, turtle guy. Where the fuck am I? Who are you and who's this Princess?"
He looked at me confused, cocking his head to one side, "Um . . . I'm King Koopa. This is the Mushroom Kingdom. Don't you know that? I kidnapped Princess Daisy and you're supposed to save her. That's what heroes do."
"Oh. I am?" I asked. "Is she hot?"
He shrugged, "She's okay. Her sister is way hotter but she's got the hots for Italian midgets. Plus she's pretty uptight. Daisy seemed like a better Princess to kidnap. She's pretty average but at least she puts out."
"Yeah, I'd definitely kidnap the one who puts out," I said as I lit up a cigarette and sat down on the stoop just before the bridge. "I mean, who wants to save a prude? You go to all the effort of saving her and shit and then she won't give it up? That's bullshit. What do you get in return for all your hard work? A kiss? Fuck that, that's not enough for me. I want some ass if I'm gonna risk my life to save some dumb bitch."
King Koopa laughed, "Damn straight! That whore Princess Peach won't even drink!"
"Well shit! Chloroform the bitch! That'll show her. She can't say no if she's unconscious," I said.
"That's not a bad idea, kid," he said, rubbing his claws together deviously. "How would you like to join up with me? You don't seem much like the hero type. You're supposed to be fighting me right now and here we are talking about chloroforming Princesses and raping them while they're unconscious."
"Hey! It's not rape if they can't or don't say no," I interjected.
King Koopa laughed again, "Good point. So what do you say, kid? You've got a good look to ya, real villain material. I saw the way you handled my minions, that pussy Mario never laid a beating like that on those lemmings, I'll tell you that. You can be my right hand."
I shrugged and blew out a couple smoke rings, "What's in it for me, Koopa?"
"Well you'll get to beat plenty of ass and since I'm kidnapping Princesses all of the time you'll be sure to get some hot royal action every now and then. Plus there's the benefits package . . ."
"Benefits?" I asked.
"Oh yeah," he said proudly. "Dental, health, and vision. Total coverage. I like my underlings to be in top form. Hell, my son Ludwig just got out of the hospital. He had to have a valve replaced in his ticker so he's useless to me now. Not that he was ever very useful, that little shit Mario always ended up beating him black and blue."
I flicked my cigarette onto the bridge and it fell between two slats and into the lava, "What about money though?"
"It's a salary job. 50,000 Kooples a year," he explained.
"What can I get for that? Can I buy a house with that? Don't you try and fuck me, Koopa. I see that axe over there behind you and don't you think I can't take it and cut your ass in two."
"Why would I do that? I want you on my side, you're a force to be reckoned with, kid. A whirling tornado of fists and fire. For 50,000 Kooples you could buy your own castle. Complete with a lava filled moat. The average koopa only makes about 300 Koops a year."
"Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. Are you one of those killing and torturing kings?" I asked. "You know the ones, some guy argues with you so you cut off his balls and hang him."
The King Koopa grinned, revealing his sharp teeth, "I sure am, kid. This morning I personally gutted a traitor with my own claws."
I smirked, I liked his style.
"That's hardcore, man. Sure. I'll do it. As long as I get in on some sweet torture and execution action if the asses for kicking run low."
"Of course!" He said, extending his claw towards me.
I walked onto the bridge and shook his claw and said, "It's a pleasure to be on board, your Highness."
He laughed and put his arm around me and we walked towards the door, out of the room.
He chuckled, "Kid, call me Bowser."