The Epic of Clan Roflmao: III
"Dear Mr. Lancaster, I must humbly decline your offer. I may have
children someday and regretfully I cannot nurse an infant without my
breasts. I am well aware of your desire to create a 'Titty Suit' as you
so eloquently put it but sadly I currently have need of mine. However
if I were in such a predicament as yours, I would investigate various
medical waste dumps, surely discarded breasts can be found in such
locations, Sincerely yours, Juniper Roflmao," the letter read.
Juniper folded the letter into thirds and slipped it into an envelope
she decorated with star stickers, glitter, and smiley face stamps. She
addressed the envelope to Burt Lancaster and placed a stamp in the top
left corner of the envelope, leaving no return address.
"Lieutenant, the postman will not accept that letter, the stamp is
improperly placed upon the envelope," Valentino said as he peered over
her shoulder.
"Captain," Juniper said quietly, turning her face towards him. "You are
incorrect. Because of the placement it serves as a secret signal to
send the letter post haste. It has been passed down through the Clan of
Roflmao for millennia."
"I see. I was not aware of that," he said, folding his arms.
"It only works for the Roflmao Clan," she said as she rose from her
seat at her desk. "If others attempt it to do the same they will be
devoured alive by the Molestro."
"Mo-?" He started.
Juniper pressed her finger to his lips, "Shh, do not speak its name
aloud or surely it will come for you."
"Lieutenant, you spoke its name," he argued as she walked away towards
the kitchen.
She stood before the sink and turned both knobs on the faucet. The
water streamed from the faucet and she gazed at it, waiting for the
visions. She remained motionless for several moments, then reached out
and turned the hot water down somewhat.
"I can speak its name," she said distantly. "It can bring me no harm.
It knows that it may suffer the fate of its victims if it dares to
cross swords with me."
In the stream of water that ran from the faucet of the kitchen sink
Juniper saw a ballerina dancing with an alligator. That alligator wore
a bow tie, spats, and had a very nice top hat.
She turned quickly to Valentino, "Quickly! We must get to the beach,
there is precious little time to spare!"
"Lieutenant, I am your commanding officer, you are not to take such
tones with me," he sapid sternly.
"In my occupancy, my word is law, your rank has no meaning in my
dominion, the rules of the outside have no place here. Now, quickly, we
must go to the beach!"
Juniper rushed into her bedroom and knelt beside her bed, she peered
underneath until she spotted a Super Soaker she seized it, dragging it
out beneath several fallen bed slats.
"Why is so imperative that we go to the beach?" Valentino asked as he
stood in her doorway. "It is 3:45 AM, Tuesday."
"Precisely! Do you have the bolas?" Juniper asked sharply.
"Yes, why?"
"Do you have a flame thrower?"
"No, I'm afraid I do not," Valentino said.
"Curses! We need fire, for protection."
"Protection? From what?"
Juniper glanced back at him with wide eyes, "Sand bears!"
At 3:55 AM Valentino and Juniper arrived at the beach. Juniper leapt
out of the car and ran wildly towards the tide, shouting in Aramaic,
carrying the Super Soaker in her left hand and a bucket in her right.
Valentino followed after her.
Juniper stopped at the water and began digging around in the wet sand
as a horse drawn wagon pulled in beside Valentino's plaid Chevette. The
horses whinnied and Juniper and Valentino looked towards the wagon as
the Cartwrights climbed out, armed to the teeth.
Ben lead the way with Hoss and Little Joe just behind him and on either
side, brandishing AK-47's. Hoss staggered and weaved as he walked,
groaning with each step, blood dribbling down his chin. Jamie and Adam
brought up the rear.
The Cartwright clan walked across the sand, their spurs jangling with
each step.
Ben kept his eyes trained on Juniper, he knew all to well to always
keep an eye on Roflmaos. When Ben was only 6 years old the Cartwright
Ranch was burned to the ground by the Roflmao Clan, they said it was
because Efrem Cartwright had killed Holly Roflmao in cold blood after
she rejected his advances in favour of a man without malformed genitals
and a harelip, but Ben didn't believe that.
Roflmaos were shifty and untrustworthy and almost all of them were
cattle rustlers. Except for the womenfolk, they were all fortune
telling gypsy harlots or werewolves and it was rumoured among the
Cartwright Clan, mostly by Efrem, that their vaginas were lined with
razor sharp teeth.
Ben didn't know Juniper personally since he'd never associate with a
Roflmao but he could tell by the silver in her eyes, her low slung trousers
and most notably, the symbol scars on her arms and hands that she was
one of them.
"Who are they?" Valentino asked with a whisper.
"The Cartwrights. Even worse than sand bears," she said quietly.
Ben stopped about 6 paces away and put his hands on his hips.
"Well, well, well," he said with a fiendish smile on his lips. "If it
ain't a Roflmao. Little Joe, what do ya reckon?"
Little Joe smirked and cocked his rifle, "Looks like one to me Pa, just
look at them britches she's wearin'."
"Yep, she wears 'em like a Roflmao, don't she? What ya reckon, Hoss?"
Hoss groaned and gurgled, "RZhHA MNRHRHBGRZ MNAHBGHA RHnHA HGRH mHA
HGRHRH BZa, MNRHRHBG aHG HGhRHRZHA HARAHARZ, HGhRHRZHA . . . BZrHAHGHGRA . . .grHAHAn anGB RZAHMNBBHAr HARAHARZ . . ."
Ben huffed and smacked Hoss upside the head, knocking his hat off,
"Damn it, boy! If I ever hear you say somethin' like that about a
Roflmao again, I'll kill ya myself! Roflmaos are dirty, sneaky, lyin',
cattle-rustlin', sunsabitches, and all their womenfolk are whores!"
While the Cartwrights were distracted, Juniper began slowly pumping up
her Super Soaker.
"Yeah, Hoss, and speak American!" Little Joe piped up. "This ain't
Zombania or some dumb shit, if you wanna talk zombie why don't you just
go back to Zombania with all the other dumb-ass brain-eaters!"
Ben backhanded Little Joe in the groin and Little Joe cried out,
holding his crotch.
"Don't you talk to your brother that way, Joseph!" Ben growled, his
bushy eyebrows drawn close together. "I didn't raise you like that,
now! Zombie or no zombie, Eric is your brother!"
"I'm sorry, Pa," Little Joe squeaked.
Ben turned his attention back to Juniper and Valentino.
"Now liss'n here, Roflmao, what the hell do ya reckon you're doin' on
this here beach?" He asked with his right hand on his holstered pistol.
"Don't ya know this is Cartwright territory? I'll bet you're trying to
rustle summa our cattle, ain't ya? Or maybe you're planning on usin'
your cooter teeth to mangle ma boys!"
Juniper smiled, "Go away, Cartwright, you have no authority here. None
may claim the beach or the ocean for they belong to Poseidon alone."
She began to slowly walk towards Ben as he stood out in front, "And
stating that it belongs to you angers him and he will rain down his
wrath upon you and as shall I."
Juniper calmly backed away and a strong wind blew in from the sea and with it the sky grew dark. The Cartwrights gazed up in confusion at the clouds that now obscured the stars. Rain suddenly began pouring down from above and Juniper drew her Super Soaker and pulled the trigger, spraying Ben Cartwright with a heavy stream of blood.
Hoss let out a gurgling roar and seized Ben, wrapping his arms around him and biting down into his shoulder, holding him fast with his retard strength. Ben cried out and tried desperately to shake him off as the Cartwright boys rushed to the aid of their father, trying to pull Hoss away from him.
Ben struggled as Juniper swung the bolas over her head, he drew his pistol, cocked the hammer and fired at her the bullet sliced through the air and struck Juniper in the chest, she staggered back, the bolas falling to her side.
Valentino looked to her as she stood motionless, standing with a vacant look on her face and he was suddenly filled with rage. Years earlier they had fought in the war together, they had both slaved away in forced labour camps after being captured by the ruthless and tyrannical Count Chocula, she had saved his life on no less than two occasions.
Little Joe, Jamie, and Adam in unison struck Hoss repeatedly with their hats in an effort to shake Hoss from Ben as he began eating chunks of flesh from his neck and shoulder.
Juniper gasped and coughed up a splotch of blood and let out an
ear-piercing shriek. A bolt of lightning struck down from the sky
before her, only inches from her feet and vanished, leaving in its wake
a small green glass sphere the size of a marble.
Valentino drew his pistol and began firing at the Cartwrights, he
caught Adam in the shoulder and Little Joe in the leg. Little Joe fell
to the ground as Juniper took the sphere into her hand.
She gazed at it for a moment, then pushed it into her mouth and
swallowed it with a hard gulp. The scars on her arms began to glow and
dim a light red as if one was shining light through the skin. She
lifted her arm and a purple fog surrounded Little Joe, he began
screaming and hobbling about.
"It burns! Make it stop! Pa! Pa! Help me!" He wept as he strange fog
began to sear his flesh.
Valentino reloaded his pistol, cocked it and fired again. The bullet
struck Jamie in the face, blowing the back of his head off completely.
He collapsed face down in the sand.
The purple fog surrounded Hoss as he continued eating his father, Ben,
who had lost consciousness due to massive blood loss. Hoss groaned and
growled loudly and his rotting skin began to char. Valentino squeezed
off a shot that caught Hoss right between the eyes and he went limp and
the constant gurgling sound stopped.
Valentino turned to Juniper, "Lieutenant, I suggest that we depart
immediately."
Juniper shook her head as she stared at the bodies of the Cartwrights
strewn dead among the sand, staining much of it red with their blood.
"No," she said quietly. "We cannot leave without finding the great
white crab. When the sun rises the chance to discover and capture him
will be forever lost in the flow of time."