Fic: The Notion of Having It All
Title: The Notion of Having It All
Author: Fredthesled48
Ships: Ben/Leslie
Rating: PG
Word Count: 3,800
Timeline: December 2017
Summary: Is it possible to whole-ass two things? Six years later those words still haunt her especially on the nights she can’t sleep.
Author’s Note: This became far more emotional than I had expected it to be. I want to make it clear that this is in no way Leslie second guessing her political career or her goals. I just wanted to do a fic that portrayed the complexity that comes with women “having it all.”
Ben stirs in their large queen bed and senses Leslie’s absence immediately. He groggily opens his eyes to find the clock and an obnoxiously bright green 3:42am greets him. It has only been four hours since the two of them stumbled into bed, exhausted by the day, so he knows that whatever has her up is not just her normal energy. The cold air is harsh outside the covers and he grabs his robe that is casually thrown over the large chair in the corner of the room before heading off down the hall to find her.
He goes to Robert’s room first wondering if he had made a fuss in the night that Leslie had gone to tend to. The room was still aside from the soft breaths of the blonde 14 month-old asleep in his crib. Ben instinctively crosses the hall and pushes the other door open just a little wider to fully see inside. His beautiful daughter, who had celebrated her third birthday only hours ago, is sprawled out upon her new ‘big kid’ bed. Ben and Leslie had debated and fused over that stupid bed for so long, finally settling on one with a soft railing just in case. She seems to love it, looking like she fell asleep trying to cover every inch of it. He lets out a small chuckle noting how much she looks like Leslie at this exact moment. The door creeks slightly as he returns it to its normal night position. Lingering for just a minute longer he feels his heart swell at the thought of these two small people who represent the love that he and Leslie share.
At that thought he moves towards the kitchen and living room wondering where she could be. As he turns the corner he sees her snuggled up in the armchair focusing intently on a binder in her lap. She is illuminated by the lights of the large Christmas tree and the small lamp that is positioned right behind the chair. There are a few other binders sprawled out around her feet, mixed in with the remaining birthday and Christmas presents that they had yet to move. He thought for a moment that maybe he should just let her be. He used to find her working like this all the time the first two years they were married but now he cannot remember the last time she was focused so hard on a project in the middle of the night. She still worked just as hard but she tried to bring less of it home so that they could be a family off the clock. Plus having two young kids meant that their sleepless nights were more consumed with parenting than with work. Her hand moves to her mouth at this exact moment to stifle a yawn, almost confirming Ben’s silent observations.
Seeing her again in this element brings all of those early memories flooding back. It was this woman that he had fallen in love with, the one that spent days and nights working on festivals, building parks, and creating policy. This was Leslie Knope. He couldn’t resist finding out what she was working on.
“Hey” he moves towards her and she jumps at the noise. She hastily closes the binder in her lap and reaches down to slam the others closed as well, concealing them from view.
“Ben! Hi! What are you doing up?”
He is taken aback by this response. He had only taken a few steps towards her before stopping just shy of the room. “Dear God. Am I allowed to come closer?”
“Don’t be silly Ben! Yes of course you can.” She gets up quickly, moving the binders to the side of the chair and walking over to take a seat right in the middle of the couch. Ben grabs the blanket that is thrown over it and sits next to her, spreading it out over them. It is their newest unity quilt, completed only a few months after Robert was born. Leslie cuddles into him, placing her head on his shoulder and one hand upon his chest. “Did I wake you? I was trying to be quiet.”
“You weren’t loud. I think I somehow sensed that you weren’t there. Probably all the nights getting up with Robert.”
She nods and the two are silent for a while. Leslie turns her attention to the squares of the quilt that are upon her lap. The pale yellow square reads ‘Eleanor Ann Wyatt - December 26, 2014’ with a small rocking horse taking up the rest of the frame. Beside it sits a pale blue square that reads ‘Robert Benjamin Joseph Wyatt - October 14, 2016’ with a small teddy bear wearing a bowtie in the corner. They had debated over their son’s name for the longest time. Leslie had wanted to name him Benjamin Jr. but the notion of passing down a name always weirded Ben out so they had compromised. Leslie wanted him to be named after the three most important men in her life: her father, her husband, and former vice president Joe Biden. Ben got to pick the order. Eleanor’s name on the other hand had been easy. They had agreed right from the start to name her after the courageous first lady whose biography had been the first history channel documentary they had watched together. Ben had suggested Ann for the middle name in an attempt to steal some major points after spilling paint across the nursery floor seven months into her pregnancy. It had worked.
Leslie begins to trail the outline of the rocking horse with her finger. “Do you think Elle liked her birthday? I get so worried with it so close to Christmas. I just want to make sure that it is as enjoyable as it would have been if it was in April or October.”
Ben can sense the emotion in her voice. He still isn’t sure what she was working on a few minutes ago but he allows her to divert the conversation for a little while. “She had a wonderful time. That little girl is up there passed out from a sugar and fun overload.”
“Three! Can you believe it? And a big girl bed now…time goes so fast…” she trails off, lost in thought.
“I can remember three years ago being in the hospital with the two of you. You were so mad that you were going into labor during the Christmas party. You literally begged everyone to let you stay.” They both laugh at the memory. “But then I got you in the car and the pain suddenly showed up and stuck around for far too long. About twelve hours later though I was holding our daughter in my arms. I don’t think I have ever felt that much love at one time. You were amazing and you both were beautiful.”
Leslie catches his lips quickly and settles even more lazily into him. She would be lying if she said that she wasn’t tired but her thoughts were too much for her tonight.
“Les, why are you up right now? I know those binders aren’t full of Elle moments. Those ones are right there.” He nods to the bookshelf where five leather bound books sit, each filled with details of the journey and expansion of their small family.
“I need to remember to get the pictures printed from yesterday so I can add them to the book. I also still need to finish the Christmas pages. Oh, I should write these down!” She moves to get up and Ben quickly catches her arm before she can get too far.
“Leslie. You can do that tomorrow. Why are you being so secretive?” She sighs and lets him pull her back to him. She debates for a moment if she should just jump him, initiate a middle of the night sex session to distract him but she knows that he wouldn’t forget. He is too damn supportive to ever forget to ask if she is okay or to tend to her needs. That isn’t annoying until she is trying to be sneaky.
If it weren’t the middle of the night Ben would have let her take her time to get to what she was struggling to say but at 4am she needed a push. “I can just go and grab those binders…” he shifts to stand but she protests quickly.
“No, Ben, I will tell you.”
She sighs and once again he senses the emotion in her voice. He pulls her closer to him, making sure that she can feel his support. “There isn’t anything you can’t tell me honey. I really hope you know that by now.”
“I do, Ben. God, you are so supportive and amazing and I love you so much.” She kisses him deeply and he indulges her only for a minute and then pulls away giving her a worried/stern look urging her along. “I knew that wouldn’t work but it was worth a shot.”
“Les, please” he pleads through his concerned eyes. The years that have passed do not show much on his face. While he has begun to find a few stray gray hairs every now and then he doesn’t look much different. The only noticeable change is the slight tired look that has become a fixture in his eyes. Two small children and a neurotic wife that is awake at 4 am will do that to a man. Leslie smiles at this thought, knowing that it is this craziness that Ben loves the most. It is exhausting but her quirks are his greatest joy, just like his are to her. Their children have begun to develop their own now and Ben and Leslie spend hours discussing and adoring every last one.
“I don’t want you to be upset with me.”
He had thought for a while that she had been hiding something mundane or silly but at this comment he realizes that something is actually bothering her. She seems genuinely anxious, something that he is not used to seeing directed at him. Trying to lighten the mood he jokes: “Did you erase Game of Thrones from the DVR?”
“No”
“Did you turn the kids against calzones while I was out of town?”
“Of course not.”
“Are you figuring out a way to turn our backyard into another park?”
“No…but that could…” he shakes his head. “No, none of those things.”
“Then Leslie, I don’t think I can be upset.” He smiles at his attempt but it doesn’t seem to have helped.
She takes in a deep breath and he rubs her leg in encouragement. “I-am-thinking-about-running-for-Mayor.” She says it so fast and stares at him trying to register his reaction. He is just about to speak when she continues, “Gunderson’s-third-term-is-up-in-november-and-i-was-just-thinking-maybe-it-could-be-worth-it-but-i-don’t-know-its-a-lot-and-your-job-cant-just-stop-that-to-run-a-campaign-so-nevermind-” She gulps in air and Ben inserts himself into the conversation before this can go any further.
“Okay. So what I got from that was that you are looking at running for Mayor? Is that correct?” Leslie nods. “And you would want me to be your campaign manager again?” She nods again, not taking her eyes off of him. “And the binders? They are full of ideas? Campaign slogans?”
“It was never anything concrete. Just little ideas that I came up with here and there. I just now really started thinking about this.”
“Can I see them?” She only breaks her eye contact with him to retrieve the binders. There is no emotion on his face and she is struggling with the idea that she can’t read him, even after seven years together. She can feel the emotion begin to form behind her eyes. This idea to run for Mayor was something she had been trying to suppress and telling Ben was making it all too real. There was a lot at stake and she didn’t want to mess anything up.
“This is the one that has ideas for Pawnee. They are just random things that I thought about doing in Council that were just too big for me to tackle. With the mayor’s office, they would be possible.” She hands him the top binder and places the other three next to him on the couch before settling back down on his other side. He flips through a few pages of the binder, pausing at some ideas and quickly passing up others. Leslie studies him intently, hoping to see some emotion on his face.
After a few minutes she folds. “Ben, please tell me what you think…” she is timid, feeling extremely selfish in this moment. She was asking her family to put themselves on hold so she can run another campaign. She was asking to take more time away from them, to put more people ahead of them. She was asking too much and in the middle of the night no less. Her eyes begin to sting from the threat of arriving moisture.
At the reserve in Leslie’s voice Ben knows immediately that he hasn’t handled the situation in the best way. He is worried that he has been too cold towards her new ideas. He stretches his arms around her and pulls her onto him. She giggles at the shift, both in the mood and the position. Once she settles into his lap their eyes find each other once again. They both notice the loss of their initial hesitations replaced once again with the trust and love they’ve grown to expect. “If this is what you want to do, I support you. Those ideas are amazing…and most of them are tangible. We will probably not get the real life gingerbread house off the ground along with the radical raccoon extermination but the others have great potential.”
She smiles but she still isn’t too sure. Leslie’s problem has never been the ideas that she comes up with. She is absolutely amazing at everything she puts her mind to. The problem is the election, the position, and what it will all entail.
“I can’t do this.”
“You can do anything. I have known that since the first week I met you. If you want to do this, I am in, I am all in. I will be your support, your campaign manager, and always, your biggest fan.” She can’t quite form words to respond to him and instead she buries herself in his neck. Her emotions boil over completely and the tears begin to fall. His hand moves consolingly up and down her back. He attempts to pull her head up to look into her eyes but she won’t move. After a few minutes he softly asks, “why are you crying?”
It takes her a minute to calm down enough to sit up again and look at him. There are few moments that he has seen his wife this vulnerable and every time he does, he feels his heart being ripped out. He wants nothing more than to protect her, to make her happy and safe. She sniffles and reluctantly whispers “I’m scared Ben.” He hadn’t known what to expect her to say but this most certainly wasn’t it. Her life and their life together had been built upon risks and optimism for the future. This was new and it unnerved him slightly.
“Are you scared of campaigning? Leslie we’ve been through this all before, there is nothing to worry about. We ran your re-election campaign while you were nine months pregnant.”
“My opponent dropped out of that race so it hardly counts. And it doesn’t matter, this time is different…” he is trying hard to get to the core issue but he can’t quite figure it out.
“You are so qualified and the town knows that.”
“It isn’t that. I think I could be great at this.”
“Then what is it? You already have so many ideas and a great record to run on with City Council. Plus you -“ he stops in midsentence as the realization of the whole conversation floods over him. Sitting next to him is the largest binder of them all and a few pages had slid out of it when she had moved them to the couch. The top one read MAYORAL RACE? Pawnee vs. Family in her soft handwriting, clearly the start of one of her famous pro/con lists. “Leslie,” his voice is soothing and he pulls her as close to him as possible while still keeping his eyes locked on her. “You can do it all, you know that.” She shakes her head ever so slightly, dropping her eyes to run her fingers over the quilted rocking horse once again.
“But what if I can’t Ben?”
He grabs the paper and pulls it out of the binder. “Can I look at this?” She nods lightly, settling against his chest trying her best to keep her emotions under control.
Ben feels his heart pounding in his chest. His love for her is constantly expanding, even when he believes that it isn’t possible to find more reasons or ways to love her he does. This pro/con list has ripped him apart, revealing the extreme anxiety and hurt that Leslie has been dealing with and will continue to deal with no matter which side of this list she decides to pick but it also shows how amazing of a woman, wife, mother, and public servant she is. Only two small things on this list revolve around her and the rest are concern for her family, friends, and community. For Ben, that reveals the right answer but he knows that she needs more convincing to follow her dream.
“I love you. I love that you took the time to weigh every factor. I love that you care so much. I love that you are passionate about everything in your life.” He tightens his arms around her to reinforce his sentiments. “This list doesn’t matter though because we can make this work. You have to go after your dream.”
“But Ben I just don’t know if I can do it all. It makes me so mad to think that because I always believed women could have it all, the family and the career but faced with it myself I am just not sure. When I first ran for office Ron made me step down from the Parks Department because I couldn’t balance both jobs. He told me ‘don’t half ass two things, whole ass one thing.’ I don’t want to let the city down and,” her voice drops again to just slightly above a whisper, “I most certainly don’t want to let you or Elle or Robbie down…”
“Jesus Les, you know that is absolutely not possible. Those two children worship you. Elle talks forever when she gets back from City Hall and she walks around this house day and night pretending to be a councilwoman. And have you ever looked at Robbie’s face when you walk into the room? It just lights up. And me…” he smiles at her and moves one hand to her cheek, wiping off the stray tear that is still there. “Do I really have to tell you how much I adore you?” He moves quickly to kiss her neck and also tickles her slightly with his other hand. She giggles and swats him away. “The three of us are in awe of you every day.”
“This is asking so much Ben, to put your life on hold again for me. And the kids will have to deal with all the craziness of a campaign plus years of their mom being mayor if I win. What will that mean for them?”
“They will know that their mother is passionate and their father is a sucker for that sort of thing.” He grins and it is enough for her to know that he is fully on board with this. He has always been her sounding board, knowing her better than she knows herself when she needs it. “We’re stronger than a campaign and a political position, Leslie. There is no doubt in my mind.” Her apprehension is gone and she finds his lips and expresses her gratitude for his unending support.
“Mayor Knope, I think it is time for bed.” He stands and pulls her up off the couch. She begins to fold the unity quilt while he moves to unplug the Christmas tree lights.
“I was thinking…what if it was Mayor Knope-Wyatt? We are in this together, you, me, and the kids. Plus, no offence babe, but it might help the Wyatt name be distanced more from Ice Town…”
He looks shocked in the minimal light of the floor lap behind the armchair “Leslie, you don’t have to do that.”
“I know I don’t. I want to. If it is okay with you?” He extends his hand to grab hers and reaches towards the wall to flip the last remaining light off in the house.
“I would be honored. As your campaign manager though I think you should wait to add it after the election, it’s still pretty toxic…” She squeezes his hand and they begin to walk down the hallway towards their bedroom, stopping just briefly at their children’s rooms to relish in the bliss of the Knope-Wyatt household.
Author: Fredthesled48
Ships: Ben/Leslie
Rating: PG
Word Count: 3,800
Timeline: December 2017
Summary: Is it possible to whole-ass two things? Six years later those words still haunt her especially on the nights she can’t sleep.
Author’s Note: This became far more emotional than I had expected it to be. I want to make it clear that this is in no way Leslie second guessing her political career or her goals. I just wanted to do a fic that portrayed the complexity that comes with women “having it all.”
Ben stirs in their large queen bed and senses Leslie’s absence immediately. He groggily opens his eyes to find the clock and an obnoxiously bright green 3:42am greets him. It has only been four hours since the two of them stumbled into bed, exhausted by the day, so he knows that whatever has her up is not just her normal energy. The cold air is harsh outside the covers and he grabs his robe that is casually thrown over the large chair in the corner of the room before heading off down the hall to find her.
He goes to Robert’s room first wondering if he had made a fuss in the night that Leslie had gone to tend to. The room was still aside from the soft breaths of the blonde 14 month-old asleep in his crib. Ben instinctively crosses the hall and pushes the other door open just a little wider to fully see inside. His beautiful daughter, who had celebrated her third birthday only hours ago, is sprawled out upon her new ‘big kid’ bed. Ben and Leslie had debated and fused over that stupid bed for so long, finally settling on one with a soft railing just in case. She seems to love it, looking like she fell asleep trying to cover every inch of it. He lets out a small chuckle noting how much she looks like Leslie at this exact moment. The door creeks slightly as he returns it to its normal night position. Lingering for just a minute longer he feels his heart swell at the thought of these two small people who represent the love that he and Leslie share.
At that thought he moves towards the kitchen and living room wondering where she could be. As he turns the corner he sees her snuggled up in the armchair focusing intently on a binder in her lap. She is illuminated by the lights of the large Christmas tree and the small lamp that is positioned right behind the chair. There are a few other binders sprawled out around her feet, mixed in with the remaining birthday and Christmas presents that they had yet to move. He thought for a moment that maybe he should just let her be. He used to find her working like this all the time the first two years they were married but now he cannot remember the last time she was focused so hard on a project in the middle of the night. She still worked just as hard but she tried to bring less of it home so that they could be a family off the clock. Plus having two young kids meant that their sleepless nights were more consumed with parenting than with work. Her hand moves to her mouth at this exact moment to stifle a yawn, almost confirming Ben’s silent observations.
Seeing her again in this element brings all of those early memories flooding back. It was this woman that he had fallen in love with, the one that spent days and nights working on festivals, building parks, and creating policy. This was Leslie Knope. He couldn’t resist finding out what she was working on.
“Hey” he moves towards her and she jumps at the noise. She hastily closes the binder in her lap and reaches down to slam the others closed as well, concealing them from view.
“Ben! Hi! What are you doing up?”
He is taken aback by this response. He had only taken a few steps towards her before stopping just shy of the room. “Dear God. Am I allowed to come closer?”
“Don’t be silly Ben! Yes of course you can.” She gets up quickly, moving the binders to the side of the chair and walking over to take a seat right in the middle of the couch. Ben grabs the blanket that is thrown over it and sits next to her, spreading it out over them. It is their newest unity quilt, completed only a few months after Robert was born. Leslie cuddles into him, placing her head on his shoulder and one hand upon his chest. “Did I wake you? I was trying to be quiet.”
“You weren’t loud. I think I somehow sensed that you weren’t there. Probably all the nights getting up with Robert.”
She nods and the two are silent for a while. Leslie turns her attention to the squares of the quilt that are upon her lap. The pale yellow square reads ‘Eleanor Ann Wyatt - December 26, 2014’ with a small rocking horse taking up the rest of the frame. Beside it sits a pale blue square that reads ‘Robert Benjamin Joseph Wyatt - October 14, 2016’ with a small teddy bear wearing a bowtie in the corner. They had debated over their son’s name for the longest time. Leslie had wanted to name him Benjamin Jr. but the notion of passing down a name always weirded Ben out so they had compromised. Leslie wanted him to be named after the three most important men in her life: her father, her husband, and former vice president Joe Biden. Ben got to pick the order. Eleanor’s name on the other hand had been easy. They had agreed right from the start to name her after the courageous first lady whose biography had been the first history channel documentary they had watched together. Ben had suggested Ann for the middle name in an attempt to steal some major points after spilling paint across the nursery floor seven months into her pregnancy. It had worked.
Leslie begins to trail the outline of the rocking horse with her finger. “Do you think Elle liked her birthday? I get so worried with it so close to Christmas. I just want to make sure that it is as enjoyable as it would have been if it was in April or October.”
Ben can sense the emotion in her voice. He still isn’t sure what she was working on a few minutes ago but he allows her to divert the conversation for a little while. “She had a wonderful time. That little girl is up there passed out from a sugar and fun overload.”
“Three! Can you believe it? And a big girl bed now…time goes so fast…” she trails off, lost in thought.
“I can remember three years ago being in the hospital with the two of you. You were so mad that you were going into labor during the Christmas party. You literally begged everyone to let you stay.” They both laugh at the memory. “But then I got you in the car and the pain suddenly showed up and stuck around for far too long. About twelve hours later though I was holding our daughter in my arms. I don’t think I have ever felt that much love at one time. You were amazing and you both were beautiful.”
Leslie catches his lips quickly and settles even more lazily into him. She would be lying if she said that she wasn’t tired but her thoughts were too much for her tonight.
“Les, why are you up right now? I know those binders aren’t full of Elle moments. Those ones are right there.” He nods to the bookshelf where five leather bound books sit, each filled with details of the journey and expansion of their small family.
“I need to remember to get the pictures printed from yesterday so I can add them to the book. I also still need to finish the Christmas pages. Oh, I should write these down!” She moves to get up and Ben quickly catches her arm before she can get too far.
“Leslie. You can do that tomorrow. Why are you being so secretive?” She sighs and lets him pull her back to him. She debates for a moment if she should just jump him, initiate a middle of the night sex session to distract him but she knows that he wouldn’t forget. He is too damn supportive to ever forget to ask if she is okay or to tend to her needs. That isn’t annoying until she is trying to be sneaky.
If it weren’t the middle of the night Ben would have let her take her time to get to what she was struggling to say but at 4am she needed a push. “I can just go and grab those binders…” he shifts to stand but she protests quickly.
“No, Ben, I will tell you.”
She sighs and once again he senses the emotion in her voice. He pulls her closer to him, making sure that she can feel his support. “There isn’t anything you can’t tell me honey. I really hope you know that by now.”
“I do, Ben. God, you are so supportive and amazing and I love you so much.” She kisses him deeply and he indulges her only for a minute and then pulls away giving her a worried/stern look urging her along. “I knew that wouldn’t work but it was worth a shot.”
“Les, please” he pleads through his concerned eyes. The years that have passed do not show much on his face. While he has begun to find a few stray gray hairs every now and then he doesn’t look much different. The only noticeable change is the slight tired look that has become a fixture in his eyes. Two small children and a neurotic wife that is awake at 4 am will do that to a man. Leslie smiles at this thought, knowing that it is this craziness that Ben loves the most. It is exhausting but her quirks are his greatest joy, just like his are to her. Their children have begun to develop their own now and Ben and Leslie spend hours discussing and adoring every last one.
“I don’t want you to be upset with me.”
He had thought for a while that she had been hiding something mundane or silly but at this comment he realizes that something is actually bothering her. She seems genuinely anxious, something that he is not used to seeing directed at him. Trying to lighten the mood he jokes: “Did you erase Game of Thrones from the DVR?”
“No”
“Did you turn the kids against calzones while I was out of town?”
“Of course not.”
“Are you figuring out a way to turn our backyard into another park?”
“No…but that could…” he shakes his head. “No, none of those things.”
“Then Leslie, I don’t think I can be upset.” He smiles at his attempt but it doesn’t seem to have helped.
She takes in a deep breath and he rubs her leg in encouragement. “I-am-thinking-about-running-for-Mayor.” She says it so fast and stares at him trying to register his reaction. He is just about to speak when she continues, “Gunderson’s-third-term-is-up-in-november-and-i-was-just-thinking-maybe-it-could-be-worth-it-but-i-don’t-know-its-a-lot-and-your-job-cant-just-stop-that-to-run-a-campaign-so-nevermind-” She gulps in air and Ben inserts himself into the conversation before this can go any further.
“Okay. So what I got from that was that you are looking at running for Mayor? Is that correct?” Leslie nods. “And you would want me to be your campaign manager again?” She nods again, not taking her eyes off of him. “And the binders? They are full of ideas? Campaign slogans?”
“It was never anything concrete. Just little ideas that I came up with here and there. I just now really started thinking about this.”
“Can I see them?” She only breaks her eye contact with him to retrieve the binders. There is no emotion on his face and she is struggling with the idea that she can’t read him, even after seven years together. She can feel the emotion begin to form behind her eyes. This idea to run for Mayor was something she had been trying to suppress and telling Ben was making it all too real. There was a lot at stake and she didn’t want to mess anything up.
“This is the one that has ideas for Pawnee. They are just random things that I thought about doing in Council that were just too big for me to tackle. With the mayor’s office, they would be possible.” She hands him the top binder and places the other three next to him on the couch before settling back down on his other side. He flips through a few pages of the binder, pausing at some ideas and quickly passing up others. Leslie studies him intently, hoping to see some emotion on his face.
After a few minutes she folds. “Ben, please tell me what you think…” she is timid, feeling extremely selfish in this moment. She was asking her family to put themselves on hold so she can run another campaign. She was asking to take more time away from them, to put more people ahead of them. She was asking too much and in the middle of the night no less. Her eyes begin to sting from the threat of arriving moisture.
At the reserve in Leslie’s voice Ben knows immediately that he hasn’t handled the situation in the best way. He is worried that he has been too cold towards her new ideas. He stretches his arms around her and pulls her onto him. She giggles at the shift, both in the mood and the position. Once she settles into his lap their eyes find each other once again. They both notice the loss of their initial hesitations replaced once again with the trust and love they’ve grown to expect. “If this is what you want to do, I support you. Those ideas are amazing…and most of them are tangible. We will probably not get the real life gingerbread house off the ground along with the radical raccoon extermination but the others have great potential.”
She smiles but she still isn’t too sure. Leslie’s problem has never been the ideas that she comes up with. She is absolutely amazing at everything she puts her mind to. The problem is the election, the position, and what it will all entail.
“I can’t do this.”
“You can do anything. I have known that since the first week I met you. If you want to do this, I am in, I am all in. I will be your support, your campaign manager, and always, your biggest fan.” She can’t quite form words to respond to him and instead she buries herself in his neck. Her emotions boil over completely and the tears begin to fall. His hand moves consolingly up and down her back. He attempts to pull her head up to look into her eyes but she won’t move. After a few minutes he softly asks, “why are you crying?”
It takes her a minute to calm down enough to sit up again and look at him. There are few moments that he has seen his wife this vulnerable and every time he does, he feels his heart being ripped out. He wants nothing more than to protect her, to make her happy and safe. She sniffles and reluctantly whispers “I’m scared Ben.” He hadn’t known what to expect her to say but this most certainly wasn’t it. Her life and their life together had been built upon risks and optimism for the future. This was new and it unnerved him slightly.
“Are you scared of campaigning? Leslie we’ve been through this all before, there is nothing to worry about. We ran your re-election campaign while you were nine months pregnant.”
“My opponent dropped out of that race so it hardly counts. And it doesn’t matter, this time is different…” he is trying hard to get to the core issue but he can’t quite figure it out.
“You are so qualified and the town knows that.”
“It isn’t that. I think I could be great at this.”
“Then what is it? You already have so many ideas and a great record to run on with City Council. Plus you -“ he stops in midsentence as the realization of the whole conversation floods over him. Sitting next to him is the largest binder of them all and a few pages had slid out of it when she had moved them to the couch. The top one read MAYORAL RACE? Pawnee vs. Family in her soft handwriting, clearly the start of one of her famous pro/con lists. “Leslie,” his voice is soothing and he pulls her as close to him as possible while still keeping his eyes locked on her. “You can do it all, you know that.” She shakes her head ever so slightly, dropping her eyes to run her fingers over the quilted rocking horse once again.
“But what if I can’t Ben?”
He grabs the paper and pulls it out of the binder. “Can I look at this?” She nods lightly, settling against his chest trying her best to keep her emotions under control.
Ben feels his heart pounding in his chest. His love for her is constantly expanding, even when he believes that it isn’t possible to find more reasons or ways to love her he does. This pro/con list has ripped him apart, revealing the extreme anxiety and hurt that Leslie has been dealing with and will continue to deal with no matter which side of this list she decides to pick but it also shows how amazing of a woman, wife, mother, and public servant she is. Only two small things on this list revolve around her and the rest are concern for her family, friends, and community. For Ben, that reveals the right answer but he knows that she needs more convincing to follow her dream.
“I love you. I love that you took the time to weigh every factor. I love that you care so much. I love that you are passionate about everything in your life.” He tightens his arms around her to reinforce his sentiments. “This list doesn’t matter though because we can make this work. You have to go after your dream.”
“But Ben I just don’t know if I can do it all. It makes me so mad to think that because I always believed women could have it all, the family and the career but faced with it myself I am just not sure. When I first ran for office Ron made me step down from the Parks Department because I couldn’t balance both jobs. He told me ‘don’t half ass two things, whole ass one thing.’ I don’t want to let the city down and,” her voice drops again to just slightly above a whisper, “I most certainly don’t want to let you or Elle or Robbie down…”
“Jesus Les, you know that is absolutely not possible. Those two children worship you. Elle talks forever when she gets back from City Hall and she walks around this house day and night pretending to be a councilwoman. And have you ever looked at Robbie’s face when you walk into the room? It just lights up. And me…” he smiles at her and moves one hand to her cheek, wiping off the stray tear that is still there. “Do I really have to tell you how much I adore you?” He moves quickly to kiss her neck and also tickles her slightly with his other hand. She giggles and swats him away. “The three of us are in awe of you every day.”
“This is asking so much Ben, to put your life on hold again for me. And the kids will have to deal with all the craziness of a campaign plus years of their mom being mayor if I win. What will that mean for them?”
“They will know that their mother is passionate and their father is a sucker for that sort of thing.” He grins and it is enough for her to know that he is fully on board with this. He has always been her sounding board, knowing her better than she knows herself when she needs it. “We’re stronger than a campaign and a political position, Leslie. There is no doubt in my mind.” Her apprehension is gone and she finds his lips and expresses her gratitude for his unending support.
“Mayor Knope, I think it is time for bed.” He stands and pulls her up off the couch. She begins to fold the unity quilt while he moves to unplug the Christmas tree lights.
“I was thinking…what if it was Mayor Knope-Wyatt? We are in this together, you, me, and the kids. Plus, no offence babe, but it might help the Wyatt name be distanced more from Ice Town…”
He looks shocked in the minimal light of the floor lap behind the armchair “Leslie, you don’t have to do that.”
“I know I don’t. I want to. If it is okay with you?” He extends his hand to grab hers and reaches towards the wall to flip the last remaining light off in the house.
“I would be honored. As your campaign manager though I think you should wait to add it after the election, it’s still pretty toxic…” She squeezes his hand and they begin to walk down the hallway towards their bedroom, stopping just briefly at their children’s rooms to relish in the bliss of the Knope-Wyatt household.