Assumptions part 8

[fredsmith518]

Title: Assumptions
Author: fredsmith518
Beta: none!
Rating:tame
Disclaimer: Nothing owned.
Summary: So, as you do, I was wandering through http://community.livejournal.com/oc_plotbunnies/profile looking for a post, which I found btw, and happened across this comment by dogsbody01 one thing lead to

Comments

[beachtree]

Of course there's ALWAYS another fic born every time! The whole issue of Ryan's self-worth and the monetary costs of his education could somehow only be justified for him because the Cohens were such strong proponents and because Seth wanted him there. At that stage especially, Ryan was certainly in more obvious "obligation" mode to Seth. He still is, but it's more on demand when Seth beckons. Then, Ryan was so insecure and struggling just to give the Cohens every possible reason to believe they should keep him in their home that he was all about the placating 24/7.

I was wondering if Kirsten did pick up on on the undercurrent that wasn't so much about Ryan being intimidated by Harbor, but that it was connected to self-worth in that smaller environment (as in not deserving what Seth did or having those opportunities wasted on him) as well as the much larger context of Newport and the Cohens' lives too.

Then there was Kirsten's wish that she and Sandy wanted Ryan to be happy. I wonder if she knows that has to be a difficult premise for him to embrace or even consider. I'm not sure he's even clear with how to feel content or satisified on his own merits yet. He might feel relieved when he has pleased others, done what's expected and possibly made them happy- or not made them unhappy, disappointed, annoyed and disgusted or angry anyway. Happiness has to be a very foreign concept for someone who's never had that sort of luxury. He lives for others and through them and I don't know that anyone has a real grasp of that to its full extent yet. Ryan's dynamic is so inherently different and his perspective matches that. It's rooted in events from his earliest experiences and he'd have to completely relearn so much. Kirsten makes one rather general comment, but the implications for Ryan are so complicated!

[fredsmith518]

Marissa made him happy, sorry, I know red rag:) But he was teenage boy and did mess about with her and biking with Seth on skateboard, there was some carefree - not the bigger picture, I grant you, but I think he got 'happy' and Kirsten was being motherly, mothers wish that for their kids, healthy and happy, but of course 'happy' isn't a constant state is it? fleeting, more, ephemeral.

He must have felt so strange, not knowing what was expected, constant minefield, so the small moments of 'not thinking' must have been especially precious.

[beachtree]

Uh-oh, not the "M" word. I think he wanted to believe that she accepted him, but I don't know that she ever made him happy, only that he felt needed and served a purpose when making his life worse to make hers better. But I'd rather not even waste time I'll never get back thinking about her, let alone typing her name!

I do think he had some few, scattered, carefree moments, but those were always almost immediately followed up with a reckoning of nearly epic proportions, so that if he let his guard down too much- and I don't think he did- so much was a facade combined with a slight indulgence to the immediate, that he was always cautious and aware that the feeling was very fleeting and would come with a price. It always did. I won't even go into the model home the day after the graduation and what happened, or what happened after riding the bike/skateboard on the pier, etc.

I think Ryan understands happiness for others, but not for himself. I think he has had brief times of being somewhat content, but never really at ease. And if he acknowledged it as such, he was only inviting trouble. Even when he appears to be calm, his mind is whirling away and his focus is always on what he should be doing to make something better for someone else or to fulfill his duty or some obligation to buy himself some time and some short respite of relative safety. For me, he thinks of happiness and satisfaction as something for others to strive for and enjoy. He just hopes for the absence of outright rejection, pain, loss, confusion, turmoil, etc.

ITA that he had to have felt so strange in such an alien environment where everyone seemed to know the customs, language, secret codes, hidden agendas, unwritten rules and assumed he should too simply because he looked like everyone else. It wouid have been a minefield every minute in a different, but still uncertain, frightening, confusing and dangerous way as the Chino battlefield and minefield. I think it still is for him since he hasn't so much adapted as faded compliantly in chameleon style. He never was given the foundation or the tools or coping mechanisms, so he's still bluffing and in chameleon garb waiting to be discovered as a fraud. He must spend a lot of time guessing and that alone is exhausting. Even if he has a better idea of what's coming sometimes, he doesn't know the why.

[fredsmith518]

that he was always cautious and aware that the feeling was very fleeting and would come with a price. It always did. I won't even go into the model home the day after the graduation and what happened, or what happened after riding the bike/skateboard on the pier, etc.

carefree mac and cheese followed by the phonecall from Seth...

he hasn't so much adapted as faded compliantly in chameleon style. very interesting viewpoint, but after the crash, he did cope his way, not the Cohen way. Admittedly, he did go back, but even so he was still following his own agendum, door in SEth's face.

I think, this season, he is actually finding his feet, his equilibrium, seeing more of a way to be him, and because Sandy at least is taking the time to talk to him. That teddy? Teenage boy!

[beachtree]

Hmmm... I'd say slamming the door in Seth's face and not going to the dinner was him coping his way. I'd say going back to Casa Cohen was him compromising, but leaning more towards typical Ryan with compliance and placating having the upper hand. I don't believe for a minute that he really has come close to grasping the whole issue of worthlessness vs. value and guilt for assuming all responsibility for events beyond his control and other people's motivations and choices. I think he went back partially because he couldn't stay where he was and he's practical and a realist. I think he did miss the Cohens, but that was never in doubt- he just wanted to protect them and rid them of the scourge that was him. I think he ultimately conceded defeat out of resignation because he was so emotionally and physically drained- hence the no fronts or masks to some extent- and because even if he didn't believe what the Cohens were telling him and couldn't understand their reasons, he couldn't contest that they seemed to believe what they were saying- or needed to anyway. It would be to make them happy and stop causing them pain, disruption and anxiety that he went back. Since he was still an "affliction" even out of their household, his plan had obviously failed. Maybe he didn't go far enough- or maybe he realized that there wouldn't be any place far enough.

As for getting his bearings, I think he's trying to figure out what that means. Sure, we have seen some other sides of him and different facets- this time without pretense or simply to just blend or please. This time I think he's too exhausted and can't conceive of playing that game and, like leaving to lick his wounds or avoid them as he has always had to, that behavior didn't work. Ryan is observant, intelligent and tries to learn and move on when he has the chance to reflect and occasionally has options and isn't trapped into a no-choice situation in order to survive.

I'm very glad Sandy is taking the time to keep the lines of communication open- partially to stake his claim I think since Frank arrived, but at least he isn't ignoring him like he did for two years when he polarized him dangerously. I did like their early talks when Sandy listened. I still like that Sandy makes the effort, but I don't like that he won't make the leap to go beyond "code" and the superficial T.T. topic and use something else as a barometer to really find out about Ryan individually and not in the couple context. Hate the contrivance.

[fredsmith518]

very indepth analysis of Ryan's motivations, first para. I think I'd agree with everything you write, the exhaustion, the staying away not working for them either.

I think he is more 'natural' around Taylor, which sounds ridiculous, but even the 'please' pleading this week struck me as so 'boy'.

Re Taylor, though, yes, would be nice if Sandy talked about other 'stuff' also.

[beachtree]

I'd say we're on the same page. The fact that he can speak a little more freely, but still after always thinking carefully and choosing his words just makes him a more open version of Ryan in some respects. I think he has always lived in the moment since that is all he's had and certainly treasured any moment worth treasuring- and there weren't many to choose from. I think yet another near brush with death and also witnessing another death so intimately have affected him extremely deeply and that's probably behind his willingness to show more of himself without fear of retribution or of being chastised. Add to that that most of the people in his orbit seem to be listening to him more now than just talking at him. That makes a huge difference. And "M?" It was always about her and never about him. He simply wasn't allowed to reveal himself when he had to be all things to her. She wasn't so much with the carefree and playful or open. Albatross much? The ultimate irony is that he had every reason to be all the unattractive things she was, but he wasn't. She contrived drama to make her life more complicated and add to his burdens so he couldn't begin to really adapt to his surroundings, process how to integrate his worlds or focus on his issues or needs. Taking her out of the equation changes the climate and that changes the players, the dynamic and him too.

Works for me anyway!

[fredsmith518]

I think he has always lived in the moment since that is all he's had and certainly treasured any moment worth treasuring I think so too, when he is with others, but there is also the alone time spent worrying/thinking as I know you acknowledge.

The playful is nice, young, appropriate

[beachtree]

Very true. Before, when he would enjoy a lighter moment with the others, it seemed more wistful and as if he was both a participant and an observer who somehow couldn't believe this was all happening and taking it in and cataloging it too. There was more of an adult, indulgent sort of approach.

Now, he still is contemplative, but is able to lose himself more in the moment while it lasts and just appreciate it while he tries to act accordingly- something he's sadly had to learn how to do and work at- strange as that may seem to most. The refective side is always there, but that makes him more endearing.

[fredsmith518]

it seemed more wistful and as if he was both a participant and an observer who somehow couldn't believe this was all happening and taking it in and cataloging it too. There was more of an adult, indulgent sort of approach. yeah

you should so write
been a while since I nagged you on this
no tempted? not a little bit?

[beachtree]

Wait, wasn't that technically writing?

It has been a while since you nagged. Unfortunately, the reasons why remain the same and I'd say the major one is getting worse, so, for now, I don't see me writing. But I'll play a supporting role and feed you ideas if you want!