Working on a Case, chapter 5: Most Annoying Sidekick Ever
Characters: Titans as of the end of the Family Lost paperback, starting with Bart Allen (Kid Flash) and Tim Drake (Robin), plus Plastic Man and the Flash (Wally West).
Rating: PG.
Content: Mystery with comic relief, or perhaps comedy with mystery relief.
Word Count: about 1,200 words per chapter. Unknown number of chapters.
Summary: Bart Allen as Kid Flash wants to help Robin on a Titans case involving a convict with a super-power and a strange police record. He knows honing his investigatory skills will require insight, concentration, and...what was the third thing?
Continuity: DC Comics standard.
Disclaimer: The Titans and its members are owned by DC Comics under copyright and trademark laws. This pastiche is offered freely with no hope of commercial reward.
Notes: It all started here.
Chapter 5
Most Annoying Sidekick Ever
So I explain to Wally exactly why he found us inside the Justice League archive: “I’m-Robin said-It’s not like-Titans need-”
“We’re working on a case,” says Tim.
And meanwhile Plastic Man is hitting his forehead and saying, “Bart! Bart! How hard is that name to remember?” but then his communicator buzzes, and Flash taps the one in his ear, and I know Batman’s called them all back.
“Robin here,” says Tim, and he pokes some buttons on his shoulder pads and adds, “I’m patching in Kid Flash on the Titans frequency.”
And the next thing I hear is Batman’s voice growling from my earpiece: “-didn’t say you should patch in-”
“Kid Flash, can you hear us now?” says Tim.
“Um...yes,” I say, and I can hear Batman breathing hard, which is kind of scary, even over the phone, ’cause you never hear Batman breathing hard.
“Good,” says Tim, and behind his back Plastic Man turns his black hair and sunglasses into pointy ears and a mask, and he makes his chin as square as a box, and he glares at the back of Tim’s head through the white slits in his mask and mouths the words Most...annoying...sidekick...ever!
“Kid Flash and I came out here to check the JLA files on...,” Tim is saying, but instead of listening Wally is snickering at Plastic Man, and then he shakes his head and points his thumb at me to tell Plastic Man I’m the most annoying sidekick ever, and I make an angry face back at him ’cause that’s totally unfair since I was never his sidekick ’cause he never let me be his sidekick even when I wanted-
“Pay attention!” barks Batman in everyone’s ears.
Wally and I straighten up, and Plastic Man says, “We are paying attention, Bats.”
“No, you’re still pretending to be me,” Batman tells him.
And suddenly Plastic Man looks like Plastic Man again, but his head is twirling around on his neck as he peers at every corner of the room. “How-”
“Through the security cameras,” says Batman.
Flash and I look at each other with big eyes, and Plastic Man untwirls and whispers to Tim, “How can you stand to work with this guy?”
“Who do you think hacked into the monitor system for me?” Batman answers. “Now listen to what Robin has to say.”
And Tim starts explaining again, with that tiny smile he gets when he’s done something really smart, and he explains how the SIS told us Titans that they were transferring a new prisoner to Alcatraz named Eli Crossley-
“Cross Cut,” Batman growls. “One of the Penetrators.”
-and how Crossley served two terms in prison and was suspected in fourteen robberies, and then he disappeared for six years, and then he was arrested again and sentenced to twenty-two months-
“Twenty-two months for a three-time loser?” says Plastic Man, and he puts two white stripes through his black hair and makes his pompadour twitch like a tail. “Something stinks in there.”
-and how we looked into the JLA files and found more information on Crossley, which Kid Flash is going to explain, and then Flash and Plastic Man look at me, and I can hear Batman breathing again, and I realize what Tim just said, and I swallow hard, and I explain:
“Um. . . The files say Cross Cut was part of this gang called the Penetrators. And Batman made a trap for them-a really smart trap!-and the Flash that was my grandfather caught them, along with Hawkman and Black Canary, and then some agents showed up from the Justice Department, so Flash and the others turned Cross Cut and the other Penetrators over to the JSO.”
“Flash, find the names of those JSO agents,” says Batman.
And as Wally zips to the table, I reel off the names that I read: “Special Agent Matthew Baumhaus, Agent Gordon Ketch, and Dr. Margarethe Sackler.”
Tim smiles and nods at me, and I feel like I’m making it as a detective, and then Batman snarls: “Matthew Baumhaus?”
“Yeah. I mean, yes, sir.”
“He’s right,” says Wally. “But I can’t find the JSO follow-up report.”
“There won’t be any follow-up,” Batman says. “Baumhaus went rogue. He assembled a secret squad for dark ops-wiretaps, kidnappings, assassinations. The Penetrators were just the sort of criminals he recruited. Baumhaus took custody, cleared their records, and gave them new covers. He called them his Mongoose Squad.”
And by now Tim has pieces of his computer hanging out of different parts of his uniform, and he’s tapping on the bit on his wrist, and he says, “That explains why Crossley’s first convictions don’t appear in the Marshals’ files anymore.”
“I remember the Mongoose Squad,” says Wally, zooming over to another file cabinet and coming back with a whole armload of folders. “Green Arrow crowed for weeks about how there really was a secret squad of assassins inside the JSO.”
Batman says, “There was an explosives expert-Emmanuel Rush, codenamed Detonator. There was a lock specialist named Bo Harriman. There-”
“Combo!” I say.
And Batman is very quiet for a second before he snarls, “What?”
“Bo Harriman was one of the Penetrators! He knew all about locks, and he called himself Combo. Sir.”
“That checks out,” says Tim, looking at his little computer display. “So we have a direct link from the Penetrators to the Mongoose Squad. Flash, would you please let Kid Flash read the Mongoose Squad file?”
And when Wally hears Tim, he steps away from the folders on the table, and I sit on the stool again and start reading as fast as I can, ’cause when Tim says things in his serious voice, people usually do what he says.
And there are lots of pages, and most of them are legal stuff, and I start to get bored, so I can’t help noticing how Plastic Man has made his body into a bench along the wall so Tim and Wally can sit and watch me read. And then Plastic Man makes his lips into one of those big squiggly pipes like Sherlock Holmes’s, and he asks, “So how come the great detective didn’t catch this Crossley along with the rest of the Mongooses-er, Mongeese?”
“Baumhaus was running other teams,” Batman says. “I’m sure of that. And he must have had inside helpers who melted back into the JSO bureaucracy.”
“Uh-huh,” says Plastic Man, and his sunglasses roll around in a big circle. “Bats, just because you’re always right doesn’t mean you’re not paranoid.”
And I know I should probably turn off my earpiece so I can concentrate more, but I like being kind of part of that sort of conversation ’cause I’m usually not, so I keep listening even when Plastic Man is just asking Wally about the score of the game, and it probably takes me an extra minute to read all the papers, but finally I’m done and I slap the last folder shut. “Now what?”
Tim stands up and announces, “Kid Flash and I figured out that Crossley might have engineered his transfer to Alcatraz to link up with someone.” And from a secret pocket in his cape he pulls out another sheaf of papers and puts it on the table. “This is a complete list of the prisoners and personnel at Alcatraz. Kid Flash, which name on that list matches someone in the Mongoose Squad file?”
So I read the list, and since it’s only seven pages long I finish in five seconds, and then I say, “None of them.”
“None?” And Tim is staring at me, and for the first time all day he looks worried.
Continued here.
Rating: PG.
Content: Mystery with comic relief, or perhaps comedy with mystery relief.
Word Count: about 1,200 words per chapter. Unknown number of chapters.
Summary: Bart Allen as Kid Flash wants to help Robin on a Titans case involving a convict with a super-power and a strange police record. He knows honing his investigatory skills will require insight, concentration, and...what was the third thing?
Continuity: DC Comics standard.
Disclaimer: The Titans and its members are owned by DC Comics under copyright and trademark laws. This pastiche is offered freely with no hope of commercial reward.
Notes: It all started here.
Chapter 5
Most Annoying Sidekick Ever
So I explain to Wally exactly why he found us inside the Justice League archive: “I’m-Robin said-It’s not like-Titans need-”
“We’re working on a case,” says Tim.
And meanwhile Plastic Man is hitting his forehead and saying, “Bart! Bart! How hard is that name to remember?” but then his communicator buzzes, and Flash taps the one in his ear, and I know Batman’s called them all back.
“Robin here,” says Tim, and he pokes some buttons on his shoulder pads and adds, “I’m patching in Kid Flash on the Titans frequency.”
And the next thing I hear is Batman’s voice growling from my earpiece: “-didn’t say you should patch in-”
“Kid Flash, can you hear us now?” says Tim.
“Um...yes,” I say, and I can hear Batman breathing hard, which is kind of scary, even over the phone, ’cause you never hear Batman breathing hard.
“Good,” says Tim, and behind his back Plastic Man turns his black hair and sunglasses into pointy ears and a mask, and he makes his chin as square as a box, and he glares at the back of Tim’s head through the white slits in his mask and mouths the words Most...annoying...sidekick...ever!
“Kid Flash and I came out here to check the JLA files on...,” Tim is saying, but instead of listening Wally is snickering at Plastic Man, and then he shakes his head and points his thumb at me to tell Plastic Man I’m the most annoying sidekick ever, and I make an angry face back at him ’cause that’s totally unfair since I was never his sidekick ’cause he never let me be his sidekick even when I wanted-
“Pay attention!” barks Batman in everyone’s ears.
Wally and I straighten up, and Plastic Man says, “We are paying attention, Bats.”
“No, you’re still pretending to be me,” Batman tells him.
And suddenly Plastic Man looks like Plastic Man again, but his head is twirling around on his neck as he peers at every corner of the room. “How-”
“Through the security cameras,” says Batman.
Flash and I look at each other with big eyes, and Plastic Man untwirls and whispers to Tim, “How can you stand to work with this guy?”
“Who do you think hacked into the monitor system for me?” Batman answers. “Now listen to what Robin has to say.”
And Tim starts explaining again, with that tiny smile he gets when he’s done something really smart, and he explains how the SIS told us Titans that they were transferring a new prisoner to Alcatraz named Eli Crossley-
“Cross Cut,” Batman growls. “One of the Penetrators.”
-and how Crossley served two terms in prison and was suspected in fourteen robberies, and then he disappeared for six years, and then he was arrested again and sentenced to twenty-two months-
“Twenty-two months for a three-time loser?” says Plastic Man, and he puts two white stripes through his black hair and makes his pompadour twitch like a tail. “Something stinks in there.”
-and how we looked into the JLA files and found more information on Crossley, which Kid Flash is going to explain, and then Flash and Plastic Man look at me, and I can hear Batman breathing again, and I realize what Tim just said, and I swallow hard, and I explain:
“Um. . . The files say Cross Cut was part of this gang called the Penetrators. And Batman made a trap for them-a really smart trap!-and the Flash that was my grandfather caught them, along with Hawkman and Black Canary, and then some agents showed up from the Justice Department, so Flash and the others turned Cross Cut and the other Penetrators over to the JSO.”
“Flash, find the names of those JSO agents,” says Batman.
And as Wally zips to the table, I reel off the names that I read: “Special Agent Matthew Baumhaus, Agent Gordon Ketch, and Dr. Margarethe Sackler.”
Tim smiles and nods at me, and I feel like I’m making it as a detective, and then Batman snarls: “Matthew Baumhaus?”
“Yeah. I mean, yes, sir.”
“He’s right,” says Wally. “But I can’t find the JSO follow-up report.”
“There won’t be any follow-up,” Batman says. “Baumhaus went rogue. He assembled a secret squad for dark ops-wiretaps, kidnappings, assassinations. The Penetrators were just the sort of criminals he recruited. Baumhaus took custody, cleared their records, and gave them new covers. He called them his Mongoose Squad.”
And by now Tim has pieces of his computer hanging out of different parts of his uniform, and he’s tapping on the bit on his wrist, and he says, “That explains why Crossley’s first convictions don’t appear in the Marshals’ files anymore.”
“I remember the Mongoose Squad,” says Wally, zooming over to another file cabinet and coming back with a whole armload of folders. “Green Arrow crowed for weeks about how there really was a secret squad of assassins inside the JSO.”
Batman says, “There was an explosives expert-Emmanuel Rush, codenamed Detonator. There was a lock specialist named Bo Harriman. There-”
“Combo!” I say.
And Batman is very quiet for a second before he snarls, “What?”
“Bo Harriman was one of the Penetrators! He knew all about locks, and he called himself Combo. Sir.”
“That checks out,” says Tim, looking at his little computer display. “So we have a direct link from the Penetrators to the Mongoose Squad. Flash, would you please let Kid Flash read the Mongoose Squad file?”
And when Wally hears Tim, he steps away from the folders on the table, and I sit on the stool again and start reading as fast as I can, ’cause when Tim says things in his serious voice, people usually do what he says.
And there are lots of pages, and most of them are legal stuff, and I start to get bored, so I can’t help noticing how Plastic Man has made his body into a bench along the wall so Tim and Wally can sit and watch me read. And then Plastic Man makes his lips into one of those big squiggly pipes like Sherlock Holmes’s, and he asks, “So how come the great detective didn’t catch this Crossley along with the rest of the Mongooses-er, Mongeese?”
“Baumhaus was running other teams,” Batman says. “I’m sure of that. And he must have had inside helpers who melted back into the JSO bureaucracy.”
“Uh-huh,” says Plastic Man, and his sunglasses roll around in a big circle. “Bats, just because you’re always right doesn’t mean you’re not paranoid.”
And I know I should probably turn off my earpiece so I can concentrate more, but I like being kind of part of that sort of conversation ’cause I’m usually not, so I keep listening even when Plastic Man is just asking Wally about the score of the game, and it probably takes me an extra minute to read all the papers, but finally I’m done and I slap the last folder shut. “Now what?”
Tim stands up and announces, “Kid Flash and I figured out that Crossley might have engineered his transfer to Alcatraz to link up with someone.” And from a secret pocket in his cape he pulls out another sheaf of papers and puts it on the table. “This is a complete list of the prisoners and personnel at Alcatraz. Kid Flash, which name on that list matches someone in the Mongoose Squad file?”
So I read the list, and since it’s only seven pages long I finish in five seconds, and then I say, “None of them.”
“None?” And Tim is staring at me, and for the first time all day he looks worried.
Continued here.