The truth, gentlemen
Quite.
Heh, well, been a relatively uneventful few days. Lads out in Jamie's back garden, constructing benches. That was Sunday night. Ruth and her crew trooped to see a midnight showing of Harry Hoofter, yawns, and there was much confusion over Neil going to see it the next morning... too long and uninteresting a story to relate here. This evening (Monday) me and Ruth made some egg-fried rice. It turned out alright. We had a really stimulating conversation that spanned everything from censorship on TV to primary school memories to that time she went in a mood cos I fell asleep :-P
Ya rocket...
Awrite Freddobantermerchantz, here it is...
The 5 Greatest Lads' Banterings Of All Time
t'Ladz is renowned for t'quality banter, but which quotes were the beastiest?
At number five... Yes, strictly speaking, certain aspects of Marj's physique and mentality (i.e. she has tits and is a rocket) rule her out from being a True Lad. However this soundbite will live on forever in the ears of those unfortunate enough to hear it...
*English classroom, class are discussing literary techniques*
Someone: What's a hyperbole?
Marj: It's like when you exaggerate something, like if I were to say "one hundred cups of toast"
*Marj continues not realizing she has bantered some Utter Shite*
At number four... I don't come out with a lot of one-liners, but I was particularly proud of this one. It was right off the cuff and the Lads was lovin' it...
*Lads swaggering along RE corridor, talking about Mandela's dad being a cocaine distributor*
Rico: Aye yer da's a heavy coke dealer. He's pure rolling in it.
Mandy: Naw, seriously, the most my da's ever had on him is like, five pounds.
Mike: What's that in kilos?
*Lads crack more jokes about Hispanics and crack*
At number three... A recent gem from Lads veteran Steevo. His well-worked quips have been consistently top-drawer for many a year now...
*Mandy, Mike and Steevo talking shite about Joe on MSN. Suddenly, Steevo interrupts the flow with a proposal*
Steevo: I'll put my Willy Wonka in your Chocolate Factory, Mandela
*Despite it's emphasis being drained by the fact it is only being typed, the multi-layered pun hits the spot and Mandy is owned. No nonsense*
At number two... As mentioned in his obituary ("We are gathered here today", http://www.livejournal.com/users/freddobum/1397.html?nc=6), Shakespeare's greatest sonnet came around the height of his popularity. The masterpiece was inspired by an unwitting muse and a stroke of genius by the beard. Sorry, bard...
*Mike and Shakespeare having a coffee in Costa on Royal Exchaange Square. Mike is trying to come up with a poem for his Standard Grade creative writing folio. Shakespeare is writing dirty limericks and ill rhymes. An attractive young lady wearing a close-fitting light red garment sits nearby*
Shakespeare writes: Tight pink shirt, likes tae flirt, fuck her hard an' make her squirt
*"Tight Pink Shirt" remains Herr-man Dean Shakespeare's finest work to date*
Aaaaaaaaaand, the number one is... Yup, you guessed it. It's simply too good. An absolutely sublime piece of oratory skill, delivered to perfection. As a comeback, it's divine. As a rippage, it worked magnificently. Few can argue with this banter coming out on top...
*Another great night at the Stage is drawing to a close. People are dispersing. A small crew are saying their goodbyes at the Hutchy on Great George Street. It happens to be Rea's birthday*
Rea(jokingly): Hey Dec, where's my birthday present!?
Dec: It's in ma pa-ants... (brief pause as the impact sinks in)... think about it - it's the gift that keeps on giv-iiiiiiing!
*Lads are rattled and cannot fully pay attention or comprehend the spectacle, but erupt as it is recounted in great detail by yours truly the next morning*
Well, those are my faves. If you disagree, then (a) you're a rocket and (b) tell me what you think deserves to make the top five.
Ah, my first ever massive big long LJ post. I am now in the elite squad of massive big long LJ posters alongside Terri and Marj - huzzah!
Jee-Tee-Jee, Freddocrew!
P.S. t'is James' 19th today (Tuesday) and your Poor Old Mum welcomes you to rally up to her hoose for a buffet and a refreshment. You're all welcome. I think.