(no subject)
Ok so as a lot of you know, I have been going through a lot lately, not everybody knows the facts, and exactly what Ive been through, only some people know it all. But Im sick and tired of being hit down and then kicked when Im down.
Just when things start to seem like they might be getting better, something happens and Im hit to the ground and then the hits keep on coming and coming, and its been like this for a while now. I dont know what to do anymore, Im sick of crying, and feeling like Im not good enough, or like I dont matter, or that Im invisible. For once I wish that I mattered, or I was somebodied priority instead of just a convenience, I feel like Im easily forgotten or replaced, I wish I was seen, heard, cared about. I wish I wasnt sick anymore, I wish I could be happy for more then one fucking hour or day. I see people, and I cant help but wonder, why cant I have that? What did I do to deserve all the shit in my life?
I wish I wasnt so depressed, so people could talk to me, or that I wasnt so annoying, so people wouldnt want to stop talking to me, Im sure their are people who have wondered what life would be like had they not met me, and Im sure they think that it would be better that way, or if they just walk away from me, how much better their life will be with me not there.
Everything is getting to me, and its at the point where something small and stupid can set me off and make me feel like crap, something that wouldnt make me feel like crap a few months ago can make me feel like crap within seconds.
My Grandmother was such a strong woman, and I feel like Im letting her down. Ive been told Im just like her, fiesty and all that, but she was a fighter, she faught disease after disease and still was strong. She was told she would never walk again in the early 80's and kept walking til a few months before she died, she survived breast cancer, and losing the love of her life. I wish I was as strong as her, or half as strong as her, maybe if I was the little things wouldnt get to me as bad as they do.
I really feel like im just a convenience for a lot of people, like Im only around when they need me, if they dont need me, its Heather who? But as soon as Im needed Im suppose to drope everything to be with them, or help them. I dont know, maybe its just because I have a lot going on, a lot that a lot of people dont know about, a lot that I dont feel comfortable talking about, or maybe Im right, and I am invisible, and nobody sees me until they need me.
And the holidays are coming up, and I have already heard that Christmas song that makes me cry, and it was still October when I heart it, my dad has already seen Santa at the mall, this is going to be a hard holiday season and it seems like its going to be a long one, I shouldnt be surprised the world hates me, so why not rub all the bad in my face and hide the good?
I really just need something good to happen to me soon, because all this bad crap isnt working for me, and I know we all have our ups and downs, but it seems like I have a lot more downs then ups, and its really getting to me.
I wonder why something that is obviously not going to happen, could feel so right. How can wanting to be with somebody feel so right, when you get convinced more and more each day that it isnt going to happen, no matter how willing you are to make it work, move for them, just do whatever for them. They dont see it, or if they do they ignore it, who knows why, maybe they arent as willing, or maybe they want different things, but string you along.
I had a friend a while back who strung me along because they got lonely and knew Id always be there, so they kept me in their life so that they would always have at least one person to talk to when they got lonely.
I dont want that, I want somebody who thinks about me, misses me, who sees something and thinks of me, who only wants to be with me, but thats too much to ask for.
Just when things start to seem like they might be getting better, something happens and Im hit to the ground and then the hits keep on coming and coming, and its been like this for a while now. I dont know what to do anymore, Im sick of crying, and feeling like Im not good enough, or like I dont matter, or that Im invisible. For once I wish that I mattered, or I was somebodied priority instead of just a convenience, I feel like Im easily forgotten or replaced, I wish I was seen, heard, cared about. I wish I wasnt sick anymore, I wish I could be happy for more then one fucking hour or day. I see people, and I cant help but wonder, why cant I have that? What did I do to deserve all the shit in my life?
I wish I wasnt so depressed, so people could talk to me, or that I wasnt so annoying, so people wouldnt want to stop talking to me, Im sure their are people who have wondered what life would be like had they not met me, and Im sure they think that it would be better that way, or if they just walk away from me, how much better their life will be with me not there.
Everything is getting to me, and its at the point where something small and stupid can set me off and make me feel like crap, something that wouldnt make me feel like crap a few months ago can make me feel like crap within seconds.
My Grandmother was such a strong woman, and I feel like Im letting her down. Ive been told Im just like her, fiesty and all that, but she was a fighter, she faught disease after disease and still was strong. She was told she would never walk again in the early 80's and kept walking til a few months before she died, she survived breast cancer, and losing the love of her life. I wish I was as strong as her, or half as strong as her, maybe if I was the little things wouldnt get to me as bad as they do.
I really feel like im just a convenience for a lot of people, like Im only around when they need me, if they dont need me, its Heather who? But as soon as Im needed Im suppose to drope everything to be with them, or help them. I dont know, maybe its just because I have a lot going on, a lot that a lot of people dont know about, a lot that I dont feel comfortable talking about, or maybe Im right, and I am invisible, and nobody sees me until they need me.
And the holidays are coming up, and I have already heard that Christmas song that makes me cry, and it was still October when I heart it, my dad has already seen Santa at the mall, this is going to be a hard holiday season and it seems like its going to be a long one, I shouldnt be surprised the world hates me, so why not rub all the bad in my face and hide the good?
I really just need something good to happen to me soon, because all this bad crap isnt working for me, and I know we all have our ups and downs, but it seems like I have a lot more downs then ups, and its really getting to me.
I wonder why something that is obviously not going to happen, could feel so right. How can wanting to be with somebody feel so right, when you get convinced more and more each day that it isnt going to happen, no matter how willing you are to make it work, move for them, just do whatever for them. They dont see it, or if they do they ignore it, who knows why, maybe they arent as willing, or maybe they want different things, but string you along.
I had a friend a while back who strung me along because they got lonely and knew Id always be there, so they kept me in their life so that they would always have at least one person to talk to when they got lonely.
I dont want that, I want somebody who thinks about me, misses me, who sees something and thinks of me, who only wants to be with me, but thats too much to ask for.