xposted
my head hurts like a motherfucker. i need to call the court, but i'm scared. sometimes we get what we deserve, i guess. wrecking a car i had bought three hours before, the insurance hadn't gone through, i have no car, no money. no one has money. i want to give everyone money so they can stop worrying about how they'll get through the next day. i just dont have money to do it. i've spent most of my life thinking... why have i never gotten what i deserve? i deserve to be dead, i deserve to be killed, i deserve to live on the streets... but none of those things have happened to me. and then i wrecked my car and that's when i realized... we don't always get what we deserve. but sometimes we get close enough to be able to taste and remember that grace is why we don't get what we deserve. i can't wait to go back to school. i can't wait to be able to remember what a horse smells like, how it feels and how free and alive i am when i am on a horse. i can't wait to move to atlanta... for awhile... everything feels better there. i dont feel so scared or so alone or so uncertain. i dont know why. but thats a good enough reason for me to go back. i hate being jealous, yet it's so hard to control... people who have cars. i am so freaking jealous of people who have cars. i am jealous of my roommate because she will get her car back in a couple of weeks from her wreck. and insurance is paying for it. i am jealous because peoples parents buy them cars. and i am jealous of people who aren't as fucked up as i am. i am jealous of people who have more important things to worry about than silly little cars. i am jealous of people who know how to turn their brains off when they want to stop thinking about "what's next" without having to use alcohol or illegal substances. i am jealous of people who don't cry over petty things.
but i'm alive. and that's cool. and i have belle. and she is beautiful times a 100,000. and it's a pretty day. so perhaps my headache will go away and one day maybe i will learn what it's like to be a normal human being. maybe.
but i'm alive. and that's cool. and i have belle. and she is beautiful times a 100,000. and it's a pretty day. so perhaps my headache will go away and one day maybe i will learn what it's like to be a normal human being. maybe.