Fuck off, anxiety
But seriously, anxiety is so fucking stupid. I can't believe I've been a wreck all day just because I wrote a note in a forum to an author I like. Hitting "post" on the message started a whole cascade of thoughts a la: "Why did you do that? She doesn't want to hear from you. She doesn't give a shit that you live in the same town. She probably will think you mentioned that because you're hoping to become her best friend and get a bunch of writing and publishing advice from her. You're going to come off like a total kiss-ass; another stupid wannabe author who wants to mooch off of her success. That's not true, but that's what it will look like. And what was that jokey line about not needing to worry about your being a creepy stalker--that was a stupid fucking thing to say. Even if you do live in the same town and mentioned it, who the fuck says something like that? Jesus, now she probably will worry that you ARE stalking her even though you aren't really and even if you did see her you'd probably hide and not say anything because you didn't want to bother her. But it doesn't matter, because it'll come off like you are stalking her, and she'll think you're crazy and, haha, you are kind of crazy because you're still listening to this train of thought instead of telling it to fuck off already. Anyway, there are probably some rules for that newsgroup even though you didn't see any posted anywhere, and they probably won't want to let you into their club and how dare you come in and try to get the attention of their pet author like that--how arrogant! Who do you even think you are? You're not anybody important so just get over yourself already."
In case you ever wondered what social anxiety sounds like, that's it. It's kind of like a loud speaker in your head that's also attached to your feelings. You know that cringing shame you feel when you remember something you did a long time ago that you regret? Social anxiety feels exactly like that, only all of the time and about the dumbest, tiniest little things. It's about imagining all the worst, most horrible misconceptions people could possibly have about something you said/did, and then undermining your own worth by blaming yourself for saying/doing anything in the first place and making them feel that way. It's more than being afraid of public embarrassment. Shit, I am scared of being embarrassed ON THE INTERNET.
The worst part though is knowing that it's all bullshit and not being able to stop the feelings anyway. For example, the newsgroup I posted to is a science fiction and fantasy forum, and the newsgroup board itself is dedicated to this author's work. She hangs out there all the time and people seem to post threads about whatever there. It seems perfectly reasonable to assume that posting a note saying you're a fan of the author's works would not be frowned upon in any way. There's no reason to think she shouldn't like to hear from a fan. And even if she thought the fan was weird or off-putting, she probably has the sense to just write something generic back like, "Oh cool that you live in the same town. Good luck with your writing efforts." It's not like she's going to turn into a screeching harpy and lambaste you for (horror of horrors) being friendly. And even if there was some sort of weird "don't just write nice notes to the author this forum is dedicated to," they would probably just delete your post and that would be that. No reason to go into an apoplectic fit over it. But the brain doesn't always listen.
Weirdly enough, writing all of that out actually helped a lot. Maybe I need to write out my anxiety stream-of-consciousness more often.
In case you ever wondered what social anxiety sounds like, that's it. It's kind of like a loud speaker in your head that's also attached to your feelings. You know that cringing shame you feel when you remember something you did a long time ago that you regret? Social anxiety feels exactly like that, only all of the time and about the dumbest, tiniest little things. It's about imagining all the worst, most horrible misconceptions people could possibly have about something you said/did, and then undermining your own worth by blaming yourself for saying/doing anything in the first place and making them feel that way. It's more than being afraid of public embarrassment. Shit, I am scared of being embarrassed ON THE INTERNET.
The worst part though is knowing that it's all bullshit and not being able to stop the feelings anyway. For example, the newsgroup I posted to is a science fiction and fantasy forum, and the newsgroup board itself is dedicated to this author's work. She hangs out there all the time and people seem to post threads about whatever there. It seems perfectly reasonable to assume that posting a note saying you're a fan of the author's works would not be frowned upon in any way. There's no reason to think she shouldn't like to hear from a fan. And even if she thought the fan was weird or off-putting, she probably has the sense to just write something generic back like, "Oh cool that you live in the same town. Good luck with your writing efforts." It's not like she's going to turn into a screeching harpy and lambaste you for (horror of horrors) being friendly. And even if there was some sort of weird "don't just write nice notes to the author this forum is dedicated to," they would probably just delete your post and that would be that. No reason to go into an apoplectic fit over it. But the brain doesn't always listen.
Weirdly enough, writing all of that out actually helped a lot. Maybe I need to write out my anxiety stream-of-consciousness more often.