scarves & sweaters & shawls
LJ idol week 15: preoccupied
Knit knit knit. Looping peace, yarn swirling through my fingers. I am silence, I am absence...
Not absence, because that would imply that something is missing. Nothing should be missing. I don't miss anyone. All I need is already within my heart. It's easier to never let anyone in. If someone gets too close to my secrets, I think of knitting. I fill my head with all the scarves and sweaters and shawls that have yet to take shape. My thoughts cease to be a mess, become orderly rows of loops that form beautiful things.
Purl purl purl knit knit knit. The needles clack against each other gently, as I transfer the loops from one needle to the other.
The doctor is asking whether I'm thinking about having kids and I can't answer him, my mouth is full of wool. Yarn scraps, swaddling my tongue, and I can't tell him that "Yes, I've always wanted kids, but when I think it's not a possibility, I bury my desire. I pretend I hate kids so it won't sting quite so bad when I think I might never actually get to have any of my own." Instead I smile brightly, eyes empty, and ask him to repeat himself.
Knit purl knit purl drop stitch pick up stitch knit two together.
At some point, the jumble in my head threatens to drown everything else out. Knitting helps me focus, even though it seems like it divides my attention even further. I've always needed to do something with my hands when I'm preoccupied. I started out playing string games, cat's cradle by myself. But ultimately that wasn't constructive enough: at the end, I just unraveled the knots shaped like owls and teacups and fairy doors. The string went back to being a simple loop.
I recently discovered knitting, after an awful and ill-advised relationship. The simple acts of knitting and purling have helped me stay focused and stop crying. It's a better coping mechanism than any of my other ones. Certainly a less destructive one.
(If you're also a knitter, find me on ravelry. I love to see what other people are up to!)
♥ pacing while praying ♥ you are beautiful ♥ digging for buried crap ♥ we should all be narcissists ♥ ˌɪnkənˈsiːvəbl̩ ♥ juicy memories ♥ relax. breathe. bupkis. ♥ a gypsy heart ♥ a month of rain ♥ up is the new down ♥ your words, her silences ♥ ground rules for a hairless housemate ♥ the smell of particleboard in the morning ♥ from an aspiring spinster ♥
Knit knit knit. Looping peace, yarn swirling through my fingers. I am silence, I am absence...
Not absence, because that would imply that something is missing. Nothing should be missing. I don't miss anyone. All I need is already within my heart. It's easier to never let anyone in. If someone gets too close to my secrets, I think of knitting. I fill my head with all the scarves and sweaters and shawls that have yet to take shape. My thoughts cease to be a mess, become orderly rows of loops that form beautiful things.
Purl purl purl knit knit knit. The needles clack against each other gently, as I transfer the loops from one needle to the other.
The doctor is asking whether I'm thinking about having kids and I can't answer him, my mouth is full of wool. Yarn scraps, swaddling my tongue, and I can't tell him that "Yes, I've always wanted kids, but when I think it's not a possibility, I bury my desire. I pretend I hate kids so it won't sting quite so bad when I think I might never actually get to have any of my own." Instead I smile brightly, eyes empty, and ask him to repeat himself.
Knit purl knit purl drop stitch pick up stitch knit two together.
At some point, the jumble in my head threatens to drown everything else out. Knitting helps me focus, even though it seems like it divides my attention even further. I've always needed to do something with my hands when I'm preoccupied. I started out playing string games, cat's cradle by myself. But ultimately that wasn't constructive enough: at the end, I just unraveled the knots shaped like owls and teacups and fairy doors. The string went back to being a simple loop.
I recently discovered knitting, after an awful and ill-advised relationship. The simple acts of knitting and purling have helped me stay focused and stop crying. It's a better coping mechanism than any of my other ones. Certainly a less destructive one.
(If you're also a knitter, find me on ravelry. I love to see what other people are up to!)
♥ pacing while praying ♥ you are beautiful ♥ digging for buried crap ♥ we should all be narcissists ♥ ˌɪnkənˈsiːvəbl̩ ♥ juicy memories ♥ relax. breathe. bupkis. ♥ a gypsy heart ♥ a month of rain ♥ up is the new down ♥ your words, her silences ♥ ground rules for a hairless housemate ♥ the smell of particleboard in the morning ♥ from an aspiring spinster ♥