Peace that only you can know
Title: Peace that only you can know
Author: littlesumo
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: This is fiction
A/N: Betaed by scribblscrabbl
In a way I dedicate this to my friend Lauri who died of cancer on Thursday morning
He's thin, faded, not himself anymore. He sees the pity in the others' eyes. And he doesn't want it anymore. Doesn't want to be too weak to do anything anymore. He can't play football, can't make music. He seldomly can sit outside in the sun. Sometime he's even too weak to hold his own cup.
He wants to smile again.
So he stops taking his pills, throws them away, doesn't renew his prescription. He tells the doctors he won't be coming back, refuses to listen to their advice, no matter how right they might be.
Three months. That's the amount of time he has, they tell him, if he stays without treatment. But he wants to live, wants to spend three months doing that rather than three years vegetating.
So he goes home and tells the others. Asks them to live with and for him, for as long as he still has. They gape at him, try to change his mind at first, but then accept his decision.
He doesn't want to regret anything. And they know him, know his hunger for everything.
They go along with every silly idea he gets into his head and they probably don't enjoy it all the time, but they promised, so they go through with it.
And he gets stronger again, puts on weight. The meds that had fought his illness had eaten his body too.
He sees, the tiny glint of hope the others allow themselves, even if they try to hide it, but he doesn't believe in it himself. He can still feel the developing destruction inside of him. But still, his mind and body are under his control again, and that's the way he wants to die.
He thinks about this a lot, between all the adventures he lives, how he wants to die. Home? And which one? He has two now. By the sea, watching a sunset? He cannot decide, and he thinks planning it takes away something from it and makes it more palpable at the same time, more scary.
And he is scared. He doesn't try to show it too much, but doesn't hide it. And he thinks admitting to it helps the others too. Because they don't have to pretend, and being comforted feels nice too.
Although he has given up the ultimate (medical) fight, he's not going to go down silently. He writes crazy songs. Writes all the loud life he has in him into the lyrics.
That's how he wants to be remembered. Someone living his life to the fullest, with the best friends anyone could ever have and his family coming along for the ride.
Author: littlesumo
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: This is fiction
A/N: Betaed by scribblscrabbl
In a way I dedicate this to my friend Lauri who died of cancer on Thursday morning
He's thin, faded, not himself anymore. He sees the pity in the others' eyes. And he doesn't want it anymore. Doesn't want to be too weak to do anything anymore. He can't play football, can't make music. He seldomly can sit outside in the sun. Sometime he's even too weak to hold his own cup.
He wants to smile again.
So he stops taking his pills, throws them away, doesn't renew his prescription. He tells the doctors he won't be coming back, refuses to listen to their advice, no matter how right they might be.
Three months. That's the amount of time he has, they tell him, if he stays without treatment. But he wants to live, wants to spend three months doing that rather than three years vegetating.
So he goes home and tells the others. Asks them to live with and for him, for as long as he still has. They gape at him, try to change his mind at first, but then accept his decision.
He doesn't want to regret anything. And they know him, know his hunger for everything.
They go along with every silly idea he gets into his head and they probably don't enjoy it all the time, but they promised, so they go through with it.
And he gets stronger again, puts on weight. The meds that had fought his illness had eaten his body too.
He sees, the tiny glint of hope the others allow themselves, even if they try to hide it, but he doesn't believe in it himself. He can still feel the developing destruction inside of him. But still, his mind and body are under his control again, and that's the way he wants to die.
He thinks about this a lot, between all the adventures he lives, how he wants to die. Home? And which one? He has two now. By the sea, watching a sunset? He cannot decide, and he thinks planning it takes away something from it and makes it more palpable at the same time, more scary.
And he is scared. He doesn't try to show it too much, but doesn't hide it. And he thinks admitting to it helps the others too. Because they don't have to pretend, and being comforted feels nice too.
Although he has given up the ultimate (medical) fight, he's not going to go down silently. He writes crazy songs. Writes all the loud life he has in him into the lyrics.
That's how he wants to be remembered. Someone living his life to the fullest, with the best friends anyone could ever have and his family coming along for the ride.