Friendships.
I seem to be learning more & more about them a lot in the past few days. the Good & the Bad.
It's been so enlightening to see & learn things about friendships that I never even realized, but it's also been bitter sweet, and even heartbreaking at times.
Bitter sweet in the fact that I never knew that a friend could be so invested, and almost dedicated to another. It gives me hope that there are good friendships in this world, which is something that I have had immense doubt in in the past (almost) 10 years. It was so refreshing & enlightening to learn that even a friend from elementary school can still continue to be so connected to me, without me even knowing. It humbles me so greatly, I couldn't even do justice in describing how amazing it made me feel, but I suppose I could try :P But I'll come back to that (let's give this note a happy ending XD)
Heart Breaking in the fact that I still cannot trust even someone I considered a best friend. (Let's give the background story so you can all have a better understanding ;P I'll keep it brief I promise! :P)
Me and this friend (zah) became friends in 6th grade, and joined my circle of friends. It all went swimmingly, until another girl (rae) came into our friend circle. This girl liked to stirr up trouble. She always put others down, and had to make herself be the head bitch. It created this hurtful relationship between all of us. We all tried to put each other down, like it was some sort of competition to prove to Rae who was the best. It was twisted, but some how we all went along with it. It continued into freshman year, where we cut off 2 other girls in our circle (maria & liz), and it became just the 3 of us. We all became really close, and I truly think it's because we all shared a common enemy (maria & liz). But then cabin fever kicked in, & we all began to find faults in each other to try and assert some sort of twisted dominance. So, obviously, it got to the point where all the fault was found in me, which also happened in 8th grade ( Apparently I'm stupid for feeling depressed, yeah, that's way rae thought. how cute. ) But this time around, I was the bad person because I was no longer as invested into anime, & all of their hobbies like they were. I also started hanging out with someone else who shared interests that I was more interested in. (also began stealing, but who didn't? XD) So they felt the need to criticize me daily, and make me feel like the bad person because I didn't like what they did. It got to the point where they harassed me & my new best friend (chris) on the phone, and would harass me at school daily. So finally I took them to the guidance counselor, and made them have a sit down conversation about our friendship. (Their excuses as to why they were mean to me was because I was a liar [becuz i didn't tell them about how i stole shit, but why would i?XD So I could get yelled at? no thanks.] [& get this] I laughed too much.) When it came down to it, I told them I cannot be their friends anymore, because I couldn't trust them with my feelings anymore. So rae & zah (& ironically the person I would steal with) all became friends, and would continue to make fun of me whenever the possibility arose. Finally they got over it, and began fighting within their own circle. Baha. Then in senior year of high school, we all decided to make amends, and all got on friendly terms again (including maria & liz who I became friends with again shortly after loosing rae & zah) and everything was fine & dandy.
Me and zah became best friends again. But over the past year, things have been up & down. The past 3 years she was living in a town 2 hours away from me, so we never got to hang much. She was dating disgusting old guys who took advantage of her. & despite all the advice I gave her, she never listened, and continued to hurt herself in the process. But we grew closer when she finally broke up with him, and we got to see each other in the summer. (but looking back, it all seems superficial, & i feel completely used) She was single, and we were just experiencing life together. But then she dated a new guy (her own age, thank god) and things started to get weird. It felt like all the times we were hanging out, she was just doing so so she could become closer to his friends (when her bf wasn't there, we hung with his roomies who I was friends with) And when her boyfriend finally came around, I felt completely ditched. She had no concern about what I needed in our friendship, and in general.
Summer ended, & she moved up to Portland too. Before her boyfriend, we were both so excited to live close, so then we could hang out more. But that was anything but when all was said & done. I admit, she tried earnestly to hang out with me, but she didn't understand that I was in college, & I can't go out drinking on weekdays. So I told her she can't just expect me to hang out with her when she asks me only an hour in advance ( i have my priorities, that come before all of my friends) This hurt her, and she gave up on trying to hang out with me, which is understandable. But when we finally saw each other at a Halloween party, she suspected me of wrong doing her (apparently being mean/avoiding her @ the party) when all I was was nothing but nice. A month later, me & bff chris were talking on her fb status about how delicious steamed veggies are, cuz she said they were gross, & she deleted us from her fb. We talked on the phone, and I told her that isn't okay for her to just do that (OVER STEAMED VEGTABLES. WTF XD) and expect me to be okay with that. I told her I do not want to be friends with someone who acts like they're still in middle school, and I felt completely disrespected. I told her it wasn't something I could just "get over", that I was hurt, and it wasn't okay.
Her boyfriend also had a knack for pressing my buttons on my fb statuses, and always tried to prove me wrong, and make me look like look like an asshole/idiot. It always hurt me, but I dealt with it.
Then today happened (my god, this is way too fucking long XD) I write a simple status, true is was controversial, but I'm blunt..what can I say? XD So zah disagrees with me, & once I prove my point, her boyfriend conveniently comes in. He tries disproving me, and making me seem like an asshole, so I tell him to go discuss it with his girlfriend instead of fighting with me on my status like a middle schooler ( I told you I'm blunt XD) And I then delete them both from my facebook when he insisted on continuing the bickering, cuz I was sick of feeling like a bad person for expressing my beliefs. So zah messages me, and I tell her what I'm feeling, how I felt that if she was a good friend, she would stop her boyfriend from hurting her supposed friend. Of course she went on to defend him and I wish I could show all of the convo. I told her that I cannot be friends with someone who doesn't respect my feelings, my beliefs, and my interests. I cannot be friends with someone who makes me feel like less of a person for liking what I like, and who degrades me for doing so.
So it's been heart breaking experience. But a learning one as well. I don't think I should've ever became friends with her again. This (& writing about the past) definitely makes me see that she wasn't a good friend to me. I feel like I was used, and I was degraded for liking what I did. I give all my friends the respect they deserve, and I feel like I never got that in return with her.
But this has all been bitter sweet, because I am reminded that I do have amazing friends who do support me, and what I believe. And even when they don't, they have enough respect to not hurt me while discussing our opposing beliefs. And that's what a True Friend should be. And that is what I have found. Especially with this almost renewed friendship with my friend from elementary school (Caitlin :3). She gives me hope that I can have amazing friends. I can trust that there are people who can make me feel like a better person, and that I can hopefully do the same for in return. Because that's what friends deserve. The best. For themselves & each other.
But I think I'll make a whole other post about all the beautiful things of amazing friendships, because it doesn't deserve to be in such a depressing post :P
( i have cried way too damn much today, for both happy tears, and hurt sobbing. fml. )
It's been so enlightening to see & learn things about friendships that I never even realized, but it's also been bitter sweet, and even heartbreaking at times.
Bitter sweet in the fact that I never knew that a friend could be so invested, and almost dedicated to another. It gives me hope that there are good friendships in this world, which is something that I have had immense doubt in in the past (almost) 10 years. It was so refreshing & enlightening to learn that even a friend from elementary school can still continue to be so connected to me, without me even knowing. It humbles me so greatly, I couldn't even do justice in describing how amazing it made me feel, but I suppose I could try :P But I'll come back to that (let's give this note a happy ending XD)
Heart Breaking in the fact that I still cannot trust even someone I considered a best friend. (Let's give the background story so you can all have a better understanding ;P I'll keep it brief I promise! :P)
Me and this friend (zah) became friends in 6th grade, and joined my circle of friends. It all went swimmingly, until another girl (rae) came into our friend circle. This girl liked to stirr up trouble. She always put others down, and had to make herself be the head bitch. It created this hurtful relationship between all of us. We all tried to put each other down, like it was some sort of competition to prove to Rae who was the best. It was twisted, but some how we all went along with it. It continued into freshman year, where we cut off 2 other girls in our circle (maria & liz), and it became just the 3 of us. We all became really close, and I truly think it's because we all shared a common enemy (maria & liz). But then cabin fever kicked in, & we all began to find faults in each other to try and assert some sort of twisted dominance. So, obviously, it got to the point where all the fault was found in me, which also happened in 8th grade ( Apparently I'm stupid for feeling depressed, yeah, that's way rae thought. how cute. ) But this time around, I was the bad person because I was no longer as invested into anime, & all of their hobbies like they were. I also started hanging out with someone else who shared interests that I was more interested in. (also began stealing, but who didn't? XD) So they felt the need to criticize me daily, and make me feel like the bad person because I didn't like what they did. It got to the point where they harassed me & my new best friend (chris) on the phone, and would harass me at school daily. So finally I took them to the guidance counselor, and made them have a sit down conversation about our friendship. (Their excuses as to why they were mean to me was because I was a liar [becuz i didn't tell them about how i stole shit, but why would i?XD So I could get yelled at? no thanks.] [& get this] I laughed too much.) When it came down to it, I told them I cannot be their friends anymore, because I couldn't trust them with my feelings anymore. So rae & zah (& ironically the person I would steal with) all became friends, and would continue to make fun of me whenever the possibility arose. Finally they got over it, and began fighting within their own circle. Baha. Then in senior year of high school, we all decided to make amends, and all got on friendly terms again (including maria & liz who I became friends with again shortly after loosing rae & zah) and everything was fine & dandy.
Me and zah became best friends again. But over the past year, things have been up & down. The past 3 years she was living in a town 2 hours away from me, so we never got to hang much. She was dating disgusting old guys who took advantage of her. & despite all the advice I gave her, she never listened, and continued to hurt herself in the process. But we grew closer when she finally broke up with him, and we got to see each other in the summer. (but looking back, it all seems superficial, & i feel completely used) She was single, and we were just experiencing life together. But then she dated a new guy (her own age, thank god) and things started to get weird. It felt like all the times we were hanging out, she was just doing so so she could become closer to his friends (when her bf wasn't there, we hung with his roomies who I was friends with) And when her boyfriend finally came around, I felt completely ditched. She had no concern about what I needed in our friendship, and in general.
Summer ended, & she moved up to Portland too. Before her boyfriend, we were both so excited to live close, so then we could hang out more. But that was anything but when all was said & done. I admit, she tried earnestly to hang out with me, but she didn't understand that I was in college, & I can't go out drinking on weekdays. So I told her she can't just expect me to hang out with her when she asks me only an hour in advance ( i have my priorities, that come before all of my friends) This hurt her, and she gave up on trying to hang out with me, which is understandable. But when we finally saw each other at a Halloween party, she suspected me of wrong doing her (apparently being mean/avoiding her @ the party) when all I was was nothing but nice. A month later, me & bff chris were talking on her fb status about how delicious steamed veggies are, cuz she said they were gross, & she deleted us from her fb. We talked on the phone, and I told her that isn't okay for her to just do that (OVER STEAMED VEGTABLES. WTF XD) and expect me to be okay with that. I told her I do not want to be friends with someone who acts like they're still in middle school, and I felt completely disrespected. I told her it wasn't something I could just "get over", that I was hurt, and it wasn't okay.
Her boyfriend also had a knack for pressing my buttons on my fb statuses, and always tried to prove me wrong, and make me look like look like an asshole/idiot. It always hurt me, but I dealt with it.
Then today happened (my god, this is way too fucking long XD) I write a simple status, true is was controversial, but I'm blunt..what can I say? XD So zah disagrees with me, & once I prove my point, her boyfriend conveniently comes in. He tries disproving me, and making me seem like an asshole, so I tell him to go discuss it with his girlfriend instead of fighting with me on my status like a middle schooler ( I told you I'm blunt XD) And I then delete them both from my facebook when he insisted on continuing the bickering, cuz I was sick of feeling like a bad person for expressing my beliefs. So zah messages me, and I tell her what I'm feeling, how I felt that if she was a good friend, she would stop her boyfriend from hurting her supposed friend. Of course she went on to defend him and I wish I could show all of the convo. I told her that I cannot be friends with someone who doesn't respect my feelings, my beliefs, and my interests. I cannot be friends with someone who makes me feel like less of a person for liking what I like, and who degrades me for doing so.
So it's been heart breaking experience. But a learning one as well. I don't think I should've ever became friends with her again. This (& writing about the past) definitely makes me see that she wasn't a good friend to me. I feel like I was used, and I was degraded for liking what I did. I give all my friends the respect they deserve, and I feel like I never got that in return with her.
But this has all been bitter sweet, because I am reminded that I do have amazing friends who do support me, and what I believe. And even when they don't, they have enough respect to not hurt me while discussing our opposing beliefs. And that's what a True Friend should be. And that is what I have found. Especially with this almost renewed friendship with my friend from elementary school (Caitlin :3). She gives me hope that I can have amazing friends. I can trust that there are people who can make me feel like a better person, and that I can hopefully do the same for in return. Because that's what friends deserve. The best. For themselves & each other.
But I think I'll make a whole other post about all the beautiful things of amazing friendships, because it doesn't deserve to be in such a depressing post :P
( i have cried way too damn much today, for both happy tears, and hurt sobbing. fml. )