Oh Cora, trust me. No one's graceful in how they handle their shit, only in how they hide it. Do you know how many entries I have on my journal that I've hidden from my friend's list? When I re-read them, I feel stupid or disappointed in myself for being so emotional or immature. It's terrible to look at the past sometimes, but it can be useful if you know when to look and where.
I used to feel empty in a crowd of my friends or on the defensive when no one was really attacking me. I felt like I always had to stand up for myself or cause ripples on the surface just to be sure my life was real at all. Especially when I was in a relationship.
After I gave it all up, I began to realize how much in the wrong I was. And though I don't expect not to make those mistakes again, at least now I can acknowledge them and apologize for those short comings to whoever the victim is. It really is true, you don't know what you got until it's gone. And I know in my case, I could go back to the life I had at any time and it'd be about the same, but I feel like I shouldn't do that. Have no right to, even though I'm a better person now. The reason? I fear that if I do trip up again, even if I can apologize for it, I would feel even worse than before because I could've avoided it thanks to understanding I have now. So why fall into the trap again?
Until I get to a point where I know my triggers perfectly and figure out how to go about it differently without even thinking about it, I can't have anything to do with my old life. And you know, maybe I don't want to anyway. A fresh start is a difficult thing. I'm STILL in the process of it 3 years later. It isn't something that just happens over night. How I wish it were. I can't even count how many times I stayed up at night, restless and crying, wondering why I just couldn't be satisfied with what I had.
But, between going back or moving forward, I'll always choose moving forward. The gamble is better than a known outcome I already know I wasn't happy with.
Oh my lovely, you always say the best things <3 How I wish we were closer to each other, because I feel like we've been experiencing the same in our lives. And I know that I often feel like I don't have anyone close to me who has an idea of what's going on, but I always feel like you do <3 Life is hard, and extremely complicated, but I am so incredibly happy & grateful that I can have you by my (currently virtual) side. You always seem to help me move my life towards the direction I've been looking for <3
When I re-read them, I feel stupid or disappointed in myself for being so emotional or immature. It's terrible to look at the past sometimes, but it can be useful if you know when to look and where.
I used to feel empty in a crowd of my friends or on the defensive when no one was really attacking me. I felt like I always had to stand up for myself or cause ripples on the surface just to be sure my life was real at all.
Especially when I was in a relationship.
After I gave it all up, I began to realize how much in the wrong I was. And though I don't expect not to make those mistakes again, at least now I can acknowledge them and apologize for those short comings to whoever the victim is.
It really is true, you don't know what you got until it's gone. And I know in my case, I could go back to the life I had at any time and it'd be about the same, but I feel like I shouldn't do that. Have no right to, even though I'm a better person now. The reason? I fear that if I do trip up again, even if I can apologize for it, I would feel even worse than before because I could've avoided it thanks to understanding I have now. So why fall into the trap again?
Until I get to a point where I know my triggers perfectly and figure out how to go about it differently without even thinking about it, I can't have anything to do with my old life.
And you know, maybe I don't want to anyway. A fresh start is a difficult thing. I'm STILL in the process of it 3 years later. It isn't something that just happens over night. How I wish it were. I can't even count how many times I stayed up at night, restless and crying, wondering why I just couldn't be satisfied with what I had.
But, between going back or moving forward, I'll always choose moving forward. The gamble is better than a known outcome I already know I wasn't happy with.
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How I wish we were closer to each other, because I feel like we've been experiencing the same in our lives. And I know that I often feel like I don't have anyone close to me who has an idea of what's going on, but I always feel like you do <3
Life is hard, and extremely complicated, but I am so incredibly happy & grateful that I can have you by my (currently virtual) side. You always seem to help me move my life towards the direction I've been looking for <3
Reply
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