just getting things out
so that i can review them in the morning on a fresher mind. Yes, it is late.
several things have happened in the last couple of months. Especially in the last month. I feel like i have fallen so many steps behind. Yet, i feel like i have taken further ones then i have in a very long time. Its an odd combination to feel the contrast of something at the same time. I have found thats often how i feel on things. I see the negative and the positive. Yen yang.
I've taken zoey to the emergancy room for the first time this last month.
I am falling so deep in money issues because my means aren't getting meet. Having to cut back on alot of driving and doing anything. I might get to rent a video at times, which is good. Why this is asked sometimes? What has changed to cause sudden stress upon the level of why did it suddenly get so bad? One: i screwed up with my credit cards. Two: I don't have my emergancy stash money like i usually do. Three: the big one. Gas! yes it is low right now. Yet, spending 50 to 60 dollars a week on gas is killin me. it used to only be 25 to 30. I am still getting good mileage. Not as good in town and been running alot of errands for mom, and work. So it eats it up, plus for me at times. I fill up about 1 and 1/2 to 2 times a week if i don't go to houston at all. If i go to houston it is 3 times for sure. Not complete fill ups but close enough. My mileage seems to be not as good lately. I need to get a tune up done and so forth, but no money. weeeee..
School starts this next monday. I am not looking forward to it. Sad isn't it? I am taking Introductory Algebra again. New book this time too, which means i can't use my old one! Its probably going to be just as confusing as the last.
I am having work issues, that most would just say "fuck this, i am getting a new job or I'm getting a new client." Yet, he has become my friend over the years. The way he has become is not him. Something is wrong. He came after me on the 16 of august. I just have alot to think about. If it happens again "meaning coming close too it happening agian" i am not working for him. My dad and mark will go over there with me to get all of my stuff out of there the next day. He won't have me as a provider, and he won't have me as a friend. This won't be an easy thing to do. Tonight, i was asking him about work stuff. He snapped at me "okay charity" when i was telling him i just wanted him to tell me what it is he wants done. I asked what time to come in the morning. "i don't know" I roll my eyes but he can't see it. "9?" Yeah thats fine. "okay i will see you at 9 then. " Then he snapped it again. I have made it to a point to get him in bed near midnight. I may stay and finish watching a movie but he is in bed and i am done with work, till i am getting ready to go. I double check on everything and make sure he doesn't need anything. I wonder if he feels like i am nagging him. I have asked more of him lately. Its only because i know he can do it, and i am tired of doing it when he is very capiable of doing it. Spoil the child, and you pay for it later. Welp, spoiled him for too long. I told him that before. We even had a discussion this weekend on setting up a schedule. That i would be staying after i got him to bed, to do homework, and get a little down time before i go home to bed with zoey. Yes, i am very able to keep work, and hanging out seperate. He on the other hand is not. He is working on it but not doing well.
I see my psychologist tomorrow. I called and left a message tonight on the way home to try to get in earlier. I am making sure to get up at 8 am and get dressed quickly and head out. Grandma may be in the bath tub, but i can always leave the door open for her to hear zoey. I will work it out. I have to much to do, and i want to get home decent time. A longer work session tomorrow because of the things i have to do. I don't understand, when you ask someone a question, how come they feel they have to tell you what they think you want? When in actually i am wanting to know what it is the other person wants me to do! I asked him, Do you want to get bathed tomorrow? This is when he got an attitude. I just wanted to know, because the bathing days are off schedule. duh! He said no he could wait. Then i looked at him, and could tell with the way he said it, that he wasn't really wanting that. So i told him "is that what you really want? If you want a bath, tell me and we will do it. I don't care either way, i want to know if you want a bath or not. him, "yes i want a bath". alright good, I told him "please, when i ask you if you want something done to be honest with me. I just need to know so i can plan my time schedule basically. " Snapping he says " OKAY CHarity" That is not a mistake on the caps, he nearly rose his voice on the okay, and that was the extra snip at me. Then i asked the what time in the morning. Again, it happens. me "Okay, Chris, i will see you at 9. I'm outie. Useing the restroom real quick like always. " .......Silence. Off to the bathroom i go. Silent treatment is fine, until they explode quickier then a snap of the fingers. Hell, what can he do? he is in bed. I don't talk much to him, expect to complain about mom and the family. He is the person, i whine to because he expects it. If i am quiet, he thinks i am fucked up or something. Its strange. He has gotten to to strange. I have a strong feeling, i will be needing to get a different client. Figure out things, with zoey and sitter and all of that, cause i am a poor single mother. No extra money for school, and no extra money from chris, to pay me back for things. So this means what money he gives me goes straight to what he needs me to go get for him. I am strongly considering adding mileage, my time that i am doing this as time on the clock. I no longer buy something if i don't have enough of his money left for it. If he runs out of cigarrets, he has to do without. So guess what he is thinking of doing! Getting a credit card! Yeah stupid but i can only tell him once period that its a bad idea. Otherwise, its nagging. So once i only say things to him. Yet, still he snaps when i do. So i no longer even say those things to him.
okay nite nite. Tired. Its to damn late. My brain is not letting me sleep. I feel better now. Still need to do something about this.
several things have happened in the last couple of months. Especially in the last month. I feel like i have fallen so many steps behind. Yet, i feel like i have taken further ones then i have in a very long time. Its an odd combination to feel the contrast of something at the same time. I have found thats often how i feel on things. I see the negative and the positive. Yen yang.
I've taken zoey to the emergancy room for the first time this last month.
I am falling so deep in money issues because my means aren't getting meet. Having to cut back on alot of driving and doing anything. I might get to rent a video at times, which is good. Why this is asked sometimes? What has changed to cause sudden stress upon the level of why did it suddenly get so bad? One: i screwed up with my credit cards. Two: I don't have my emergancy stash money like i usually do. Three: the big one. Gas! yes it is low right now. Yet, spending 50 to 60 dollars a week on gas is killin me. it used to only be 25 to 30. I am still getting good mileage. Not as good in town and been running alot of errands for mom, and work. So it eats it up, plus for me at times. I fill up about 1 and 1/2 to 2 times a week if i don't go to houston at all. If i go to houston it is 3 times for sure. Not complete fill ups but close enough. My mileage seems to be not as good lately. I need to get a tune up done and so forth, but no money. weeeee..
School starts this next monday. I am not looking forward to it. Sad isn't it? I am taking Introductory Algebra again. New book this time too, which means i can't use my old one! Its probably going to be just as confusing as the last.
I am having work issues, that most would just say "fuck this, i am getting a new job or I'm getting a new client." Yet, he has become my friend over the years. The way he has become is not him. Something is wrong. He came after me on the 16 of august. I just have alot to think about. If it happens again "meaning coming close too it happening agian" i am not working for him. My dad and mark will go over there with me to get all of my stuff out of there the next day. He won't have me as a provider, and he won't have me as a friend. This won't be an easy thing to do. Tonight, i was asking him about work stuff. He snapped at me "okay charity" when i was telling him i just wanted him to tell me what it is he wants done. I asked what time to come in the morning. "i don't know" I roll my eyes but he can't see it. "9?" Yeah thats fine. "okay i will see you at 9 then. " Then he snapped it again. I have made it to a point to get him in bed near midnight. I may stay and finish watching a movie but he is in bed and i am done with work, till i am getting ready to go. I double check on everything and make sure he doesn't need anything. I wonder if he feels like i am nagging him. I have asked more of him lately. Its only because i know he can do it, and i am tired of doing it when he is very capiable of doing it. Spoil the child, and you pay for it later. Welp, spoiled him for too long. I told him that before. We even had a discussion this weekend on setting up a schedule. That i would be staying after i got him to bed, to do homework, and get a little down time before i go home to bed with zoey. Yes, i am very able to keep work, and hanging out seperate. He on the other hand is not. He is working on it but not doing well.
I see my psychologist tomorrow. I called and left a message tonight on the way home to try to get in earlier. I am making sure to get up at 8 am and get dressed quickly and head out. Grandma may be in the bath tub, but i can always leave the door open for her to hear zoey. I will work it out. I have to much to do, and i want to get home decent time. A longer work session tomorrow because of the things i have to do. I don't understand, when you ask someone a question, how come they feel they have to tell you what they think you want? When in actually i am wanting to know what it is the other person wants me to do! I asked him, Do you want to get bathed tomorrow? This is when he got an attitude. I just wanted to know, because the bathing days are off schedule. duh! He said no he could wait. Then i looked at him, and could tell with the way he said it, that he wasn't really wanting that. So i told him "is that what you really want? If you want a bath, tell me and we will do it. I don't care either way, i want to know if you want a bath or not. him, "yes i want a bath". alright good, I told him "please, when i ask you if you want something done to be honest with me. I just need to know so i can plan my time schedule basically. " Snapping he says " OKAY CHarity" That is not a mistake on the caps, he nearly rose his voice on the okay, and that was the extra snip at me. Then i asked the what time in the morning. Again, it happens. me "Okay, Chris, i will see you at 9. I'm outie. Useing the restroom real quick like always. " .......Silence. Off to the bathroom i go. Silent treatment is fine, until they explode quickier then a snap of the fingers. Hell, what can he do? he is in bed. I don't talk much to him, expect to complain about mom and the family. He is the person, i whine to because he expects it. If i am quiet, he thinks i am fucked up or something. Its strange. He has gotten to to strange. I have a strong feeling, i will be needing to get a different client. Figure out things, with zoey and sitter and all of that, cause i am a poor single mother. No extra money for school, and no extra money from chris, to pay me back for things. So this means what money he gives me goes straight to what he needs me to go get for him. I am strongly considering adding mileage, my time that i am doing this as time on the clock. I no longer buy something if i don't have enough of his money left for it. If he runs out of cigarrets, he has to do without. So guess what he is thinking of doing! Getting a credit card! Yeah stupid but i can only tell him once period that its a bad idea. Otherwise, its nagging. So once i only say things to him. Yet, still he snaps when i do. So i no longer even say those things to him.
okay nite nite. Tired. Its to damn late. My brain is not letting me sleep. I feel better now. Still need to do something about this.