birthdays and stuff
I have noticed something. That after so long a persons birthday is not a big bash anymore like it is as time goes. After 30, its kinda like..oh yeah wow turning another year older, oh yeah...thats right a another year has passed and i survived it. Oh wait, another day is going, and another, and its only going closer to the end. wait now i have less then 30 years before i am 60. Even more so i have even less years before i turn 50. Will i be alive at 50? Does it matter?
I miss the way it used to be. It used to be so exciting to have a birthday. Now all i want to do is hide. Not that my birthday is like going to be exciting anyways. I get to go to work. Be taken out to eat with the wholllleee...family (including grandma oh wow-blah) Then i get to go back to work. Then come home by my new bed time (which i can't seem to succeed at) 11:30. To be in bed by midnight. its been 1:30 by the time i get to bed. Hey thats progress though, it was 3 am before, only getting about 2 to 4 hrs a sleep at night, and so forth.
Yes yes, i have had alot going on. I want to talk about it but that 1:30 mark is coming up and i will be kicking myself in the ass tomorrow if i don't get to sleep by then.
One more thing..this last weekend was supposed to be my birthday weekend of my parents gift to me for watching zoey from friday night till sunday (no specific time to be home just say by like evening time). My weekend suck not because of anyone but me. I was sick as a dog on saturday because of me (i am sure of it, though mom says it may have been food poisening and that i was stupid for not coming home. Gotta love moms right? well, why? i don't wanna lover her all the time.) anyways. my birthday weekend...sucked. This last month has sucked, except for that one day and half i got to spend with B and A which seems forever ago. Been going to funerals and weddings..and blah blah blah...yeah..lovely life mine is turning into. where the hell is the kink that i need? I bet thats my problem no kink in my life. I missed the party this saturday which reallllly pisses me off at myself! I never miss that party ever. Its a special one to me. I also missed getting to spend time with B and A. I am working hard at not still beating myself up. Of letting it go and saying i am making progress by not drinking (along with whatever else isnt supposed to be good for you- self destruction is my friend lately (not really) ). I am eating more, drinking more water and well more fluids that aren't going to destroy your liver, and getting more sleep which is the huge one cause that was the one that was making me so sick. A person cannot be well with only getting 2 to 4 hours of sleep every night for a month, except for a day or 2 here and there. I haven't been getting naps though, yet then again, i haven't been getting those for a long time. i'm out. its past my bed time. i think i hear zoey crying too. *sighs* sometimes i wish i wasn't a mother. I feel guilty for saying that because zoey means the world to me, and if it wasn't for her. I know i would not be where i am today. I may not even be alive if it wasn't for her. She was my strength at the beginning. Now i am, not all the time though for i am not doing so well lately so i lean back on the zoey is my world thing. It works sometimes. No more being bad to me! I am done with it! To many people care about me to deeply to loose me and i need to stop being so cruel to myself when i get this depressed. I am working hard at embrassing my emotions. Itssssssss wayyyy harder then anyone can freaken imagine. Its harder then when i went through rehab and that about killed me! So it doesn't surprise me i have been binging. The pyschologist did give me permission to drink this coming weekend if i get to get a babysitter, but it has to be with friends that are healthy for me. He wants me to see him again this week on thursday. He is pushing for me to start meditation and maybe like yoga so when i need to escape from this world that is chewing me up, i can do it in a much more positive way. Much more healing way.
i want to be held. i want to lean on someone. the only person i been leaning on is my pyschologist, because he has too because he gets paid to listen to my crap.
I am not numb. i want to be numb!!!! I hate this!! All i want to do is cry all the time. I do cry, i allow myself but only for a little bit. This is big improvement. Huge. Big pat on back.
Blah why did i have to be the one to turn 31 and it not be my brother who whould have turn 26 in may? It just seems wrong. Why isn't it him that is growing old, when he was always the one who said he would live to be 100 and i was the one that said, i will be surprised if i make it to 25.
going to go get ready for bed, get zoey and cry silently to sleep (maybe).
I miss the way it used to be. It used to be so exciting to have a birthday. Now all i want to do is hide. Not that my birthday is like going to be exciting anyways. I get to go to work. Be taken out to eat with the wholllleee...family (including grandma oh wow-blah) Then i get to go back to work. Then come home by my new bed time (which i can't seem to succeed at) 11:30. To be in bed by midnight. its been 1:30 by the time i get to bed. Hey thats progress though, it was 3 am before, only getting about 2 to 4 hrs a sleep at night, and so forth.
Yes yes, i have had alot going on. I want to talk about it but that 1:30 mark is coming up and i will be kicking myself in the ass tomorrow if i don't get to sleep by then.
One more thing..this last weekend was supposed to be my birthday weekend of my parents gift to me for watching zoey from friday night till sunday (no specific time to be home just say by like evening time). My weekend suck not because of anyone but me. I was sick as a dog on saturday because of me (i am sure of it, though mom says it may have been food poisening and that i was stupid for not coming home. Gotta love moms right? well, why? i don't wanna lover her all the time.) anyways. my birthday weekend...sucked. This last month has sucked, except for that one day and half i got to spend with B and A which seems forever ago. Been going to funerals and weddings..and blah blah blah...yeah..lovely life mine is turning into. where the hell is the kink that i need? I bet thats my problem no kink in my life. I missed the party this saturday which reallllly pisses me off at myself! I never miss that party ever. Its a special one to me. I also missed getting to spend time with B and A. I am working hard at not still beating myself up. Of letting it go and saying i am making progress by not drinking (along with whatever else isnt supposed to be good for you- self destruction is my friend lately (not really) ). I am eating more, drinking more water and well more fluids that aren't going to destroy your liver, and getting more sleep which is the huge one cause that was the one that was making me so sick. A person cannot be well with only getting 2 to 4 hours of sleep every night for a month, except for a day or 2 here and there. I haven't been getting naps though, yet then again, i haven't been getting those for a long time. i'm out. its past my bed time. i think i hear zoey crying too. *sighs* sometimes i wish i wasn't a mother. I feel guilty for saying that because zoey means the world to me, and if it wasn't for her. I know i would not be where i am today. I may not even be alive if it wasn't for her. She was my strength at the beginning. Now i am, not all the time though for i am not doing so well lately so i lean back on the zoey is my world thing. It works sometimes. No more being bad to me! I am done with it! To many people care about me to deeply to loose me and i need to stop being so cruel to myself when i get this depressed. I am working hard at embrassing my emotions. Itssssssss wayyyy harder then anyone can freaken imagine. Its harder then when i went through rehab and that about killed me! So it doesn't surprise me i have been binging. The pyschologist did give me permission to drink this coming weekend if i get to get a babysitter, but it has to be with friends that are healthy for me. He wants me to see him again this week on thursday. He is pushing for me to start meditation and maybe like yoga so when i need to escape from this world that is chewing me up, i can do it in a much more positive way. Much more healing way.
i want to be held. i want to lean on someone. the only person i been leaning on is my pyschologist, because he has too because he gets paid to listen to my crap.
I am not numb. i want to be numb!!!! I hate this!! All i want to do is cry all the time. I do cry, i allow myself but only for a little bit. This is big improvement. Huge. Big pat on back.
Blah why did i have to be the one to turn 31 and it not be my brother who whould have turn 26 in may? It just seems wrong. Why isn't it him that is growing old, when he was always the one who said he would live to be 100 and i was the one that said, i will be surprised if i make it to 25.
going to go get ready for bed, get zoey and cry silently to sleep (maybe).