letter to vicky
Dear Vicky, August 14, 2004
Hey. Right now I am really depressed. I’m a whopping 137 lbs and I want to die. I actually hate myself at this moment. I haven’t been going to the gym and I’ve been eating crap. I’m such a loser. I’m going to start running/walking every night and morning. (The only times its not too hot.) And I have to start going to the gym again. I swear to god if I hit 140 I’ll kill myself. I can’t stand the thought of going back to the way that I was. I was150 lbs in the 8th grade. I hated my self so much then and I do now. But stress isn’t going to help much. That only helps bring on the pounds. I wish I were anorexic. I seriously would be if my mother didn’t get in the way. I almost went pro. I started fasting for a week at a time. Then my sister found out and I gained 15 pounds. I would kill her but I love her too much. I can’t wait until the heat passes. Did you know being cold speeds up your metabolism because your body is trying to heat up? And not eating makes you cold so that helps. But really, I’m really chunky. It’s gross. I am ashamed to being me, especially when I’m with Will. He says that he likes me fine, but I know he truly wishes I were skinny too. The “great” thing is that I can purge. I don’t have the reflexes. So even if I accidentally ate too much, (a.k.a. Lost Control) there is nothing I can do about it. I guess it’s good. I don’t want to have nasty teeth or throw up involuntarily when I eat to make Will happy. So you know what I am going to do? I am going to diet. That’s it…. eat healthy and exercise. Then when I am skinny and I have my mom’s trust again, I can stop eating all together and be perfect. But I have to be totally committed or it will never work. Because If I start starving when I’m still fat, and my mom catches me, then when I have to start eating again I will get even bigger than I was before; like what just happened. So it starts today. (It’s early in the morning.) I will get up; go for a fast walk and get diet pills at the store. (I will have to hide them because I’m not allowed.) Then I will eat breakfast, lunch, AND dinner. I will NOT over-eat, nor under-eat. I am going on a trip tomorrow so I will bring my free-weights to work my arms and do sit-ups. (I put my feet under them to hold them down…like a person holding down your feet while you do sit-ups.) And I will do a lot of that to make up for walking and going to the gym. I will just eat really healthy and have dessert only on weekends to keep from binging. Otherwise I’ll end up eating those Reese’s bites. A whole pack of them is more than an active person needs a day in calories. I end up eating the whole thing. Along with any other sweets I can get my hand on. When I binge I really lose control. I’ve done that a lot lately. Which is one of the reasons I have gained so much weight. I remember I got down to 119 at one point. I was so happy I could cry. And then my sister found my pro-Ana website and ratted me out. Here I sit… 18 pounds later; 18 pounds of disgusting, horrible, pitiful fat. I hate myself! I want to cut myself. I want to harm myself in some way to punish my mind for being so stupid and careless. But I wont do that. I used to slit my wrist when I binged. Now I only cry. And where has that gotten me? Nowhere! I even have this little Ana “bible”. It has all the rules to follow to be perfect, Secrets on how to hide it and everything. It’s what is on my site. I know you think this is all very weird and think differently about me, but this is who I am. All my life I hated myself because of my weight. And then finally I stopped eating and DID something about it after that one night at Caleb’s. I stopped eating for a weeks after that. Then I occasionally fasted while most days I would just go without breakfast and lunch. I felt so lucky to have this… power over my parents, to have my “secret weapon”. I had fooled them and it was working so well. All I wanted was to look good and not for anyone but myself. I didn’t care If boys liked me or not. I just didn’t ever want to be sad when I looked in the mirror, or cry when I stepped on the scale. And I still do that! Why isn’t this working? Why do I have to suffer so much? Why can’t I accept myself? Why do I always hate myself and nothing is ever good enough? I never measure up to those girls in the magazines. I hate it and I cry my eyes out as I fall asleep at night. I feel like I’m nothing. I am worthless and no one should ever love me because I am ugly and stupid. Will says that he loves me. I am so happy when I am with him that I even forget about the way I look. That is, until he wants me to eat. But even so, he is the only one that can do that. That’s why I love him so much. And that’s why I’d die if he dumped me. I wouldn’t want to live anymore. He’s the only reason I am alive right now. Even If I have friends, I still wouldn’t be loved. Not the way I want to be. He makes me feel so special. I don’t ever want to grow up. When I’m with him I wish time would stop and we could be together forever. I know it sound so cheesy but that’s really how I feel.
Have you ever seen the movie “thirteen”? If you haven’t you should. It’s a depressing movie, but it is so awesome. It’s one of my favorites because it reminds me of what I used to be. I never want to be that person again, but she is still inside me screaming. She’s the one that makes me hate myself to this very day. Well…I’m running out of page so I’ll go now. Byes!
Love,
Aimee Lee
Hey. Right now I am really depressed. I’m a whopping 137 lbs and I want to die. I actually hate myself at this moment. I haven’t been going to the gym and I’ve been eating crap. I’m such a loser. I’m going to start running/walking every night and morning. (The only times its not too hot.) And I have to start going to the gym again. I swear to god if I hit 140 I’ll kill myself. I can’t stand the thought of going back to the way that I was. I was150 lbs in the 8th grade. I hated my self so much then and I do now. But stress isn’t going to help much. That only helps bring on the pounds. I wish I were anorexic. I seriously would be if my mother didn’t get in the way. I almost went pro. I started fasting for a week at a time. Then my sister found out and I gained 15 pounds. I would kill her but I love her too much. I can’t wait until the heat passes. Did you know being cold speeds up your metabolism because your body is trying to heat up? And not eating makes you cold so that helps. But really, I’m really chunky. It’s gross. I am ashamed to being me, especially when I’m with Will. He says that he likes me fine, but I know he truly wishes I were skinny too. The “great” thing is that I can purge. I don’t have the reflexes. So even if I accidentally ate too much, (a.k.a. Lost Control) there is nothing I can do about it. I guess it’s good. I don’t want to have nasty teeth or throw up involuntarily when I eat to make Will happy. So you know what I am going to do? I am going to diet. That’s it…. eat healthy and exercise. Then when I am skinny and I have my mom’s trust again, I can stop eating all together and be perfect. But I have to be totally committed or it will never work. Because If I start starving when I’m still fat, and my mom catches me, then when I have to start eating again I will get even bigger than I was before; like what just happened. So it starts today. (It’s early in the morning.) I will get up; go for a fast walk and get diet pills at the store. (I will have to hide them because I’m not allowed.) Then I will eat breakfast, lunch, AND dinner. I will NOT over-eat, nor under-eat. I am going on a trip tomorrow so I will bring my free-weights to work my arms and do sit-ups. (I put my feet under them to hold them down…like a person holding down your feet while you do sit-ups.) And I will do a lot of that to make up for walking and going to the gym. I will just eat really healthy and have dessert only on weekends to keep from binging. Otherwise I’ll end up eating those Reese’s bites. A whole pack of them is more than an active person needs a day in calories. I end up eating the whole thing. Along with any other sweets I can get my hand on. When I binge I really lose control. I’ve done that a lot lately. Which is one of the reasons I have gained so much weight. I remember I got down to 119 at one point. I was so happy I could cry. And then my sister found my pro-Ana website and ratted me out. Here I sit… 18 pounds later; 18 pounds of disgusting, horrible, pitiful fat. I hate myself! I want to cut myself. I want to harm myself in some way to punish my mind for being so stupid and careless. But I wont do that. I used to slit my wrist when I binged. Now I only cry. And where has that gotten me? Nowhere! I even have this little Ana “bible”. It has all the rules to follow to be perfect, Secrets on how to hide it and everything. It’s what is on my site. I know you think this is all very weird and think differently about me, but this is who I am. All my life I hated myself because of my weight. And then finally I stopped eating and DID something about it after that one night at Caleb’s. I stopped eating for a weeks after that. Then I occasionally fasted while most days I would just go without breakfast and lunch. I felt so lucky to have this… power over my parents, to have my “secret weapon”. I had fooled them and it was working so well. All I wanted was to look good and not for anyone but myself. I didn’t care If boys liked me or not. I just didn’t ever want to be sad when I looked in the mirror, or cry when I stepped on the scale. And I still do that! Why isn’t this working? Why do I have to suffer so much? Why can’t I accept myself? Why do I always hate myself and nothing is ever good enough? I never measure up to those girls in the magazines. I hate it and I cry my eyes out as I fall asleep at night. I feel like I’m nothing. I am worthless and no one should ever love me because I am ugly and stupid. Will says that he loves me. I am so happy when I am with him that I even forget about the way I look. That is, until he wants me to eat. But even so, he is the only one that can do that. That’s why I love him so much. And that’s why I’d die if he dumped me. I wouldn’t want to live anymore. He’s the only reason I am alive right now. Even If I have friends, I still wouldn’t be loved. Not the way I want to be. He makes me feel so special. I don’t ever want to grow up. When I’m with him I wish time would stop and we could be together forever. I know it sound so cheesy but that’s really how I feel.
Have you ever seen the movie “thirteen”? If you haven’t you should. It’s a depressing movie, but it is so awesome. It’s one of my favorites because it reminds me of what I used to be. I never want to be that person again, but she is still inside me screaming. She’s the one that makes me hate myself to this very day. Well…I’m running out of page so I’ll go now. Byes!
Love,
Aimee Lee