my cat is deceased

[freakyloner]

my mom and my sister watched our cat be put to sleep yesterday. they still seem to be reminiscing. i cant feel it, the sadness..... its not there? apparently my sister told me that i had once said i wished my cat would die....... in a way it was true since i believed that we took terrible care of our cat and it would have been better if she were to have died much earlier so she didnt have to deal with our "torture" perhaps im cold hearted as my sister had said. its odd..... how come i know how i should act, yet..........something in me is preventing me from being "that" i should be grieving but i just dont feel it.

i feel dead as always, something that no one seems to understand when i tell them im dead