FIC: Time is never planned (Ben POV, Brian/Justin)
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Title: Time is never planned (It's Only Time series)
Author: freakykat
Time Frame: Way post 513 - spans a few years gap.
Summary: Ben can see what others won't. Fifth short in a series titled It's Only Time. The series should lead up to a work in progress that is underway.
Rating: R
Warnings: Some angst, chuckley at parts...
Notes: Thanks to wouldbedorothy for beta'ing as usual. Feedback much appreciated and loved.
Disclaimer: I own none of this - they belong to Showtime, Cowlip and others. I only play with them a little. Once I'm done, I'll dust them off and give them back.
Part 1: Minutes to Go
Part 2: All of the Secrets
Part 3: Breathe the Fall
Part 4: Tongue the bruise you leave
Time is never planned
The changes had come quietly at the beginning. Ben was never sure when it had really happened. He just knew that one day he’d looked at his husband’s best friend, at Brian sitting across the table from him, and he’d no longer seen the perpetually immature club boy that ruled Liberty Avenue.
There still remained the acid tongue that could cut to the quick anyone that attempted to force their views on him. That would never change. The propensity to say the inappropriate yet truthful comment. The unrelenting loyalty to those he considered his.
Yet--
Gone seemed the need to prove everyone right about him. Gone were the endless parade of tricks and nonstop self-destructive behavior he had become known for. Gone was the fear that he would one day cease to be the great Brian Kinney.
Peter Pan had grown up.
***** ***** ***** *****
Though he would never be able to pinpoint when Brian had changed, he knew the reason. He’d so much as told his young friend that. Alone, in his and Michael’s new house, messily painting walls some color he had been unsure of, he’d voiced his opinion.
“You never know what the future holds.”
“Believe me, Ben, it doesn’t include a house on ‘Breeder Avenue’.” Justin had mimicked Brian’s facial expression and continued to work on painting, his strokes angry.
The derisive comment had pained Ben some. There was no hope, no trust, and it seemed a waste to him that these two people, who so very much belonged together, could never seem to get it right.
So he’d told Justin that some day Brian might change.
He had believed it.
He had been right.
Brian had committed. Planned to marry the boy…the man he loved. He’d begun to let go of those old ghosts just a bit, allowed himself to see a future.
But like always…
In the end, Justin had left, for his dreams, for his future…and Brian had stayed behind.
In the life he had started to build that would now remain unfinished.
***** ***** ***** *****
At the beginning they had all worried that Brian would fall into that dark hole he seemed to live in whenever he and Justin were apart. That he would take to drinking, getting high, fucking to such extremes that he would end up hurt…or worse…
Every time the phone rang, Michael seemed to prepare for horrible news.
It had taken a few weeks before they had all realized that, though he called in to check with Michael randomly, and on pain of death with Debbie fairly regularly, other than Ted who worked with him, they rarely saw Brian. He would be at breakfast once a week. Might stop to talk with them for a few minutes when they were at the gym. There were a couple of drinks had at Woody’s, but when it came down to it, Brian had closed away from everyone.
He wasn’t drinking to excess. No more drugs than usual. And though Ben was sure that Brian managed to have his needs meet, he seemed to have become more discriminative. Less about quantity now. The truth was that he was never seen at Babylon much.
Instead of relieving everyone, it had sent their small family into a tizzy. They could handle all those other things. Drugs and drinks and men, but this…the quiet agony Brian lived in was new…raw…and no one knew what to do….
Except for the person behind it.
Ben could still recall Justin’s face that last Thanksgiving they’d all spent together, the one right after Justin had moved away to New York. How his eyes had seemed to follow Brian everywhere. Ben had watched their reactions to each other. Brian smiling, sadness lurking in his eyes, whenever Justin would lean in to whisper some secret in his ear. Justin’s head leaning into Brian‘s, lingering for a fragment too long.
It had broken his heart knowing that this was all they had now. Desperate moments spent clinging, stolen time when their lives joined for a night, a weekend, and Ben had wondered how they would survive it.
The answer had come rather quickly.
They wouldn’t.
Ben had sensed it when Justin had gathered them all together after Brian left to run some errand that had been forgotten. Justin’s hands had been shaking, running through mussed hair nervously, and eventually he’d asked them all for a favor.
They had to take care of Brian.
“I know it’s a strange request.” Justin had pulled at the shirt he was wearing, his blue eyes barely meeting any of theirs. “He puts on a fucking good show…but he’s going to need…you all.”
Emmett voiced what they had all been thinking. “Justin, honey, we love Brian, but he’s not exactly the easiest person to help.”
“I know, but…I just need you all to do this. Please.”
He didn’t explain why. Really didn’t have to.
They were family. They would do what he asked.
But the questions hung there…the fear…and even if they hadn’t wanted to see it…the truth.
Ben had felt heaviness…something in the distance that was going to smother them all.
It hadn’t taken long.
***** ***** ***** *****
That night had changed a lot of things for everyone. They had all watched Justin pull away. Had all felt him slip quietly. It had been Brian’s face that remained clear in Ben’s mind. The mixture of loss and pride warring, the hollowness in his eyes as he let what he wanted walk out of his life.
He remembered the impulse to comfort his friend, and if it had been any other time in their lives, he would have allowed Brian to grieve alone.
“Want to go get drunk?”
Brian had hesitated before whispering a harsh, “Fuck yeah.”
Things had changed.
Ben did what he could. He’d bought the first round and they proceeded to drink themselves into a stupor. To push away the ache they all felt.
No one more than Brian.
Emmett and Ted had regaled them with stories of what they lovingly called “stalker Justin”. They’d laughed about the road trip to New York to rescue the little twink before he got killed. Jennifer reminded everyone that Justin almost gave up his art and how she’d always wondered who had talked him out of it because once her son made up his mind…
Brian’s hand had shot up, drunken grin across his face, and Jennifer had laughed, coming to hug him from behind, kissing his temple gently. They had stood quietly for a moment that way, Ben imagined both grieving the boy they had lost to lights, noise and destiny.
But in the end, it had been Brian that had comforted them all. Set the example (God knows he hated when Ben pointed that out) that letting Justin go was the only option they had. Reminded them that family was forever.
No matter what happened.
So their lives had moved on. They’d laughed, cried, yelled….shared triumphs and happiness…tragedies and sadness…
The world continued to revolve, their family survived even if an empty place remained…
***** ***** ***** *****
Weeks passed into months. Months passed into years. And one day Ben looked at Brian….really *looked* at Brian, sitting at Debbie’s weekly Sunday dinner, laughing at a ridiculous joke he shared with Hunter. He noticed the hint of gray at his temples, the small crinkle under his eyes, even the relaxed slump of his shoulder. Brian sensed his stare and met it, one eyebrow raising in question, and in response Ben shrugged, only smiling in return.
Brian had given him a confused glare, before being distracted by Emmett’s latest conquest debacle.
Ben watched him closely then and after. Had thought of how much Brian’s life now entwined with everyone else’s. His decisions were made more carefully. His world touched them all.
The life Brian led was still his own, just quieter, not less as they’d all thought at first…just quiet.
Later he would find Brian in the back, cigarette in hand, watching the skies. Ben knew that he liked coming out there. He never asked why, though he could guess.
“Hey.”
“Hey Professor.” Brian had passed him the smoke without turning his head and they stood in silence, biting winter air blowing on their skin. Newly fallen snow gathered at their feet, and Ben had grown the courage to ask the question that had plagued him.
“I’m not one to butt in…”
“No, that would be Mrs. Novotny-Bruckner‘s area of expertise.”
He’d ignored the comment, biting his lip to keep from smiling at that small truth. “Why did you do it?”
Ben thought that Brian would ignore him or pretend to have no idea what he had meant, but like always he’d managed to surprise him.
“Because it was what he needed.”
“Are you sure it was what he wanted?”
Brian had shaken his head, his eyes meeting Ben’s. “No, but I know that for the rest of our life, he would have wondered if we were the right choice.” His hands hid inside his pockets as his head had leaned back, white breath escaping with his next words. “Now…he’ll know.” Brian nodded to the house. “Tell them I had to go.”
“Yeah…Say hi to-”
“I will.”
Ben had watched him leave, stunned at the false perception that the world had about Brian. He couldn’t understand how anyone couldn’t see the difference. Later that night, he had laughed in Michael’s face when his husband had wondered out loud why Brian had ceased to fuck his way through the male population of Pittsburgh. It was the truth….Brian still had his share of tricks of course…he was Brian Kinney for fuck‘s sake… but nothing that compared to before.
Ben had simply looked at Michael, kissed his forehead before turning away.
Sometimes his honey had no clue.
He couldn’t blame him because it had taken Ben a long time to figure it out…hadn’t until that very night.
Brian was biding his time. Or whatever the equivalent to that he would allow.
He was waiting for the changes to come that would bring what he wanted most…
Ben had felt the smallest sense of relief and hope.
Peter Pan had grown up.
And, without knowing it, he was waiting for the star to guide him home.
Part Six
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