NaNo Fic: Find Your Way Through Me (ATWT, Luke/Noah, AU) - Chapter Fifteen
So, um, yeah, it's been like 2 years since I updated this sucker. (I KNOW! I KNOOOOW! I AM HORRIBLE!) So I don't blame anyone that doesn't remember OR even care about a new chapter because I mean TWO YEARS. But I have promised I would finish it and this is the beginning of me getting to that.
If you haven't ever read it there's a link to the rest of the chapters down below! If you have been waiting patiently for this, I am so sorry and I promise to not keep you waiting for long! (Outline is done I swear!) For those that remember it but DON'T REALLY remember it here's a quick recap:
Noah Synder and Luke Snyder grew up together, fell in love, and were torn apart thanks to Luke's parents and Noah's guilt. Luke is a psychometrist. Psychometry is a form of extrasensory perception - which in Luke's case comes through touch. He touches objects from other people and can see memories, images and form a mental link with the person who owns the object. Luke suffered a coma during a case and was lost to Noah for almost two years. They stayed apart but a new case is bringing them together. A serial killer they thought long gone is back and they lose one of their own -- Vienna. The impact shakes the core of everyone in Oakdale. Noah fights being with Luke until he can't. They end up with each other again and ready to face things together.
So, that's the gist. I mean, there's tons more with other characters but hopefully that helps to remind you all. The story is told in flashbacks to give the reader more background as it goes. :D So, new stuff! ENJOY!
banner made by kari77 - thank you so much, sweetie!
Title: Find Your Way Through Me
Author: freakykat
Rating: NC-17
Chapter: Chapter Fifteen
Pairing: Luke/Noah, some other surprise pairings
Summary: Where there is darkness, find your way through me.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Beta: Thanks to noelleleithe for her always awesome ninja skills
W/C: 3680
Warnings: MAJOR ANGST, some character death, violence
Story Notes: Found in Chapter One.
All chapters found here.
Chapter Fifteen
His footsteps echo in the deserted hospital hallway. He preferred being here when he didn't have to face anyone. Noah turned right, stopping at the slightly open door, watched as, Gloria, the night nurse finished her check up. He stepped inside and when she looked up, her usual smile fell immediately.
“Oh my god.” She took one step forward but froze when Noah shook his head.
“It's not mine.”
Her eyes widened and for what seemed like an eternity, Noah waited to see if she would make him leave. But she didn't. Gloria set Luke's chart back into place, passing by Noah's side, touching his arm and exiting without a word.
His gaze fell on Luke's still form and he swallowed down the disappointment he felt. Needing to breath, Noah walked to the bathroom, closing the door silently behind him. He glanced in the mirror, startled at the man in the reflection. His eyes were ringed with dark circles, blood splattered in a pattern on his shirt, soaked into one sleeve. His face was bruised red, cuts and scratches covered most of it.
Noah closed his eyes against the image, burying the rage that flowed through him somewhere deep inside. He washed his hands in the sink, toweling them dry, leaving behind red stains in his wake. He always left pain behind him. Running shaking but clean fingers through his hair, he breathed deep, remembered Dr. Hughes' instructions that Luke needed a calm atmosphere.
He pushed the door open, stepping back into the room, finding the chair he slept in every night where he always left it, blanket folded perfectly on it. He stared at it for a long moment and made a decision. Grabbing it, he rounded the hospital bed, climbing in next to Luke, gingerly laying his head on the half of the pillow that was empty. He pulled the cover over himself and then Luke, leaned into his neck and took a deep breath. Underneath the smell of the IV and medicine, of the staleness that clung to the air in that place, was Luke. It was familiar and love and home.
"It's over, baby. We got him."
The tears pricked hot at the edges of his vision but he blinked them away. "You can come back. It's safe. I promise."
He waited for anything that proved he'd done the right thing but all he got was the sound of Luke's steadying breathing.
-- --
Luke woke up alert, eyes opening, clear and present. Ever since he'd come back from wherever he'd been for all that time, it was as if his body couldn't bear to sleep one more second than it had to. Sometimes it was due to the nightmares that plagued his sleep, to the things he'd see but mostly it was because he'd lost too much time already.
Turning his head to the side, he frowned at the empty space where Noah should have been. Scowling as he threw the covers off and found his jeans, Luke tried not to let the disappointment get to him. He'd known it would never as easy as it could be. Not when it was Noah. Not when they were dealing with --
"You're awake."
He jumped, meeting Noah's wide blue gaze, catching the quirk of his mouth when he looked at him. Luke's heart stuttered at the emotion he could see there and he searched for any kind of regret on Noah's face. He felt fear in the trembling of Noah's fingers when he reached up to trace them down the side of Luke's face but with it he saw determination. He tried not to read too much in the gesture.
Noah closed his eyes, sighing so deeply that Luke felt it in his own chest and his stomach dropped to his knees. He opened his mouth to tell Noah that he wasn't going to leave, that he would stay with him until Noah gave in but before he could get a sound out, Noah shifted onto his knees, hands resting on his thighs. Luke closed his mouth immediately.
"Okay. I know that this isn't-," Noah swallowed his words and tried again, "It's not fair, okay? I shouldn't want you to forgive me." Luke felt Noah's fingers on his lips and watched as he shook his head at him. "Let me finish."
He nodded, blood pounding in his ears, breath coming in quick burst.
"I shouldn't accept it like this because I hurt you. No matter how scared I was, I should never have done that to you but -- I'm selfish, okay? I don't know -- I have no idea how to do this without you, Luke. I never have." Noah's hands fumbled for Luke's, pulling him up so they were facing each other. "You know me better than I know myself, Luke. I'm stubborn and obtuse sometimes. It takes me forever to figure out things." His hands were warm and Luke breathed in, taking in that familiar scent that was Noah. "I don't want to do that anymore, okay? I haven't changed my mind again. I want you. Here. I love you."
Luke's laugh rattled out his chest and he bent forward, his head dropping on Noah's chest as he let loose all the emotions he'd kept bottled in for almost two years. Everything came out and he felt Noah's hands caressing his skin, skimming over muscles and gripping tight.
"Luke?"
The inflection in Noah's voice meant he was worried, unsure and Luke wiped at the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes. He glanced up at Noah's stricken face and shook his head. It wasn't -- the relief was too great to bear.
"Are you okay? Baby?"
He felt that word all the way down to his toes and he pressed his face into Noah's neck, wrapped arms around him and held on.
"We don't have to rush. I can -- don't be scared because I won't leave again. I'd die first, okay? Believe that."
Luke hands tightened on Noah's back. "Don't die. I don't want that. Ever." He pulled back and met Noah's soft gaze. "Promise?"
Noah nodded. "Promise."
Luke sighed, kissed Noah softly and felt the whisper across his lips.
"Stay."
"Always."
-- --
Casey glanced up at the knock on his door and frowned. He rolled his eyes at his reflection in the mirror, tugging at the tie that for whatever reason he couldn't get on straight. The second knock was louder, more impatient. "Coming."
He crossed his living room and opened the door with a quick yank, freezing when Jade looked back at him, eyes a little sad, Daisy balanced on her hip. "Good morning."
The image made him ache, want so much that he couldn't think for a moment. Jade raised one eyebrow, mouth twitching with repressed laughter. "You gonna let us in?"
"Yeah, of course. Hi, baby girl!" He took their daughter, watched as Jade pushed in the stroller into the corner, placing the diaper bag into its seat. It was the purple one with the daisies he'd bought a few weeks before. His gaze flicked up, catching Jade studying him carefully. He grinned at her, watched her face flush and his stomach flipped with anticipation. "To what do I owe this visit from my two favorite girls in the world?"
Jade brushed her hands on her skirt, a nervous habit she'd been doing for as long as Casey remembered and bit her lip, straightening her shoulders back after a moment. "We wanted to invite you to breakfast."
His heart joined in on the party. He expected a lot of things from Jade but not --
Her invitation was more than just that.
It was an opening.
Another chance.
The shock made him take too long to respond and he watched Jade's face start closing off. "If you don't already have plans that is. Jenny can't start until after noon and it's late but I figured --"
He cut her off mid-sentence. "I'd love to."
Jade gave him a cautious look. "Yeah."
"Yeah." He grinned in agreement, dropping a kiss on Daisy's head. "What do you say, ladybug, you want to have breakfast with Mama and Daddy?" Daisy returned his grin and Casey laughed, skin tingling when he heard the same from Jade. He turned his attention back to her.
"I think we're both in."
Jade smiled wide and he let himself hope.
-- --
Noah rang the bell for the third time in a row. It wasn't a surprise to him. His mother was never known for her punctuality and he glanced at his watch. The door opened only an inch, Carly's eye visible in the crack. Realizing it was him, she closed it again, sliding the chain from its lock and pulled Noah into an embrace.
"Hi, sweetheart."
Noah allowed her to wrap him in her arms, buried his face in her shoulder and took comfort from the faint scent of her perfume, the love that radiated from her warmth. "Hi, Mom."
She stepped back, an eyebrow raising in surprise and delight, her mouth turning up into a smile. "Hmm." He touched his cheek, eyes locking onto his and whatever she might have seen there made her smile widen.
He hated that she knew him well enough to guess what might have happened. Still a little mad that she'd called Luke, he stepped through the door. "Are you guys ready?"
"Sage needs a few more minutes."
He fidgeted as Carly stared at him hard. He needed to seat down.
"You and Luke are back together."
It wasn't a question and Noah blinked at her a few times. She couldn't have possibly --
Carly snorted, rolling her eyes at him. "I am your mother. I know everything."
He stopped on his way into the living room, turning to glare at her and Carly laughed a little, shaking her head. "Okay. Maybe I just know you really well."
Noah shook his head slightly. "I don't know about that, Carly."
"And we're back."
He took a deep breath, turning to face her, meeting Carly's concerned stare. The scariest part of dealing with his mother was realizing how much he still needed her, even after all these years. He remembered what he'd said the night before. "I want to -- apologize for last night."
Carly's face fell slightly and she shook her head. "Don't. Baby, it's not --"
"No, I said a lot of things and it wasn't-"
She held her hand up and he cut off, watched her carefully as she came closer. Her hands rested on his shoulders and shook him. "You were upset, Noah. Angry and scared and hurt. It's okay to feel that way and that's what I'm here for."
"To take my abuse? Carly, that's stupid. I'm an adult."
She gave him a look that he knew all too well.
"If you need to yell at me -- and I've done enough things to all of us in this life that it's perfectly reasonable to yell at me -- then you do that. I won't stop loving you."
Those words weren't a lie, no matter how many times Noah had tried to convince himself that she didn't mean them. He knew Carly wasn't the same person anymore. That she'd grown up like they all had. He knew she loved him. Loved his brothers and sister. That she always would. Understood that she always would.
He swallowed down emotions that threatened to overwhelm him, sighing as he pulled Carly into another hug. "I hate you."
He felt his mother's smile against his shoulder. "That's my boy."
Pulling back, she patted his face before stepping away, motioning toward the stairs, "I'll go get your sister."
He watched her leave the room, breathed out the tension in his chest, hoping that today wouldn't be as difficult as he knew it would be.
Noah had Luke again.
He could get through anything.
-- --
Henry chose a memorial service instead of a funeral. It was what Vienna would have wanted, Luke thought. The room was colorful, filled with flowers of all kinds and he smiled at the idea that Vienna would have loved that. The room was full, people milling about, talking quietly but kindly. He heard soft laughter, making his heart ache in his chest.
His mother and Damian were standing together near the entrance. Luke glanced away and toward the other side of the room where his father stood with grandmothers. He moved in their direction, ignoring the glare he could feel coming from Damian. He didn't want to deal with him at all.
His mind and heart warred with each other. He wanted to dance with happiness, shout to the world that he had his love back. Those thoughts made guilt throb in his chest. Henry lost the woman he loved more than anything.
Someone bumped him from behind and Luke turned, smiling at Casey. Jade stood just behind him. He reached for his cousin, kissing her cheek before turning to hug Casey hard.
"Hey."
Casey pulled away, smiling sadly. "I hate this."
Luke nodded. "I know."
There wasn't much else to say. Vienna's presence in their lives had been like light and warmth. Her kindness and humor making the hard times easier for those she loved. Luke glanced across the room at Henry, holding onto his son like a lifeline, giving those that approached him a hollow smile. Luke's heart ached to see him, fear threaded through his own mind at the thought of losing Noah the way Henry had lost Vienna.
It wasn't something he thought he'd ever live through.
He looked back at Casey and Jade, watched as their gazes collided before quickly flicking away.
Luke prayed that everyone he loved would be safe from the evil he could feel pulsing in the air.
-- --
Noah clasped his hands together, taking a quick sip from the water in his hand, his eyes falling between Henry and Luke. Something in his gut, sharp and sour, made his fear feel more potent. Not knowing what it could be, he wanted to take everyone in this room and tuck them safely in their homes. It wasn't possible, he knew that. Margo would tell him it was his protective instincts that made him feel like danger lurked in every corner.
His eyes caught Henry moving behind a partition, disappearing from his view and Noah's heart dropped to his stomach. He felt panic rise and before he could think better of it, he moved toward where Henry had gone. His eyes strayed to Luke standing next to Jade and Casey.
Luke meet his gaze, smiled slightly as Noah nodded at him.
Reaching the partition, Noah noticed the stairs that went up, and he followed them, hearing quiet voices behind one of the doors. He stood outside, listening as he recognized his mother's voice.
"Oh, Henry."
There was a sound that clutched at his heart, the softest of cries and Noah leaned his head against the wood of the doors, eyes closing.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. How do I even -- I can't breathe, Carly. I can't."
He felt tears escape his closed lids, his own grief magnified with Henry's, memories of what it was like when Luke had been gone rushing back and he stumbled down the stairs, sitting on the bottom one to catch the pain and push it back down.
A shadow fell over him and Noah glanced up to find Luke stood over him, eyes soft with love and hurt. He reached a hand out to run over Noah's head as he sat down next to him. "You don't have to be strong all the time, baby. I got you." Luke pulled Noah closer, one arm sliding over Noah's shoulder and he gave in to the need, resting his head in the crook of Luke's neck.
"I can't fix this." His words stuttered out on a long breath and he felt Luke's fingers curl around his own. "What -- what I do?"
Luke leaned his head against Noah's, sighing and shaking as he laced and unlaced their hands together. "Nothing."
Noah tensed and Luke held on tighter. "Listen to me, Mayer. I know you feel responsible for everything that always happens in the world ever but that's not how life works. Life is messy and horrible. And it's beautiful and wondrous all at once. We can't chose what happens but we can hold on to each other when it's ugly. We can love hard and forever. That's what I plan to do with you whether you like that or not."
Noah let out a watery laugh and said, softly, "I'd like that."
"Good."
They sat quietly together, hidden away from the grief upstairs and the sadness on the other side of the partition until Noah felt like he could believe Luke.
-- --
Holden relaxed as he watched Luke and Noah appear from behind the staircase where they'd been sitting together for twenty minutes. He'd been prepared to go to them, find out how he could help, offer the bit of comfort he could to his boys but -- they weren't boys anymore. They were men who'd lived a hundred lifetimes in the course of barely living one and he knew that whatever came their way, they could handle.
Luke leaned his head on Noah's shoulder for a moment, whispering something that made the other man's mouth twitch up in an almost smile. Holden breathed a sigh of relief. He'd suspected that something had changed between them and the proof of it was in front of him.
"Does that mean what I think it does?"
Holden startled at Lily's voice, turning to give her a quick but happy smile. "Looks like."
Surprising him as she always did, Lily sighed quietly. "I'm glad about that." At the incredulous look he gave her face tensed and she directed her gaze to the people milling around them. "I am, Holden."
He nodded. "I didn't say anything."
"You didn't have to."
Holden turned toward Lily and waited until she finally meet his gaze. "Do you remember what you said to Noah, Lily?" When she paled slightly, he felt a twinge of guilt and that old feeling of wanting to be her comfort but he needed her to understand because she hadn't been there to pick up the pieces of what she'd done. "You told him he was the worst thing to have ever happened to Luke. You said those words, Lily."
"I know what I said. Can't you just -- Noah has let it go, why can't you?" Lily wrung her hands together, looking for all the world like she wanted to run. But that was always what she did.
"You think he let that go? Really? We were family, Lily. We've known Noah since he was a boy. He's been there for Luke and for us through everything. And you think one apology in the midst of your guilt trip because you wanted something from him is going to make up for it."
Lily shook next to him, tears filling her eyes but he couldn't seem to stop. He'd been wanting to say these things to her for a long time.
"He loves Luke. More than his own life, Lily. He was family and you treated him like nothing. You kept him away from our son when he needed Noah the most. That's what you did."
Threading his hand over his hair, Holden shook his head, laughing roughly, mirthlessly. "I wish I could say that I blamed your husband for all that but it wasn't Damian. It was you."
Lily's anger flared and she turned on Holden, eyes flashing. "What am I supposed to do about that now? I can't change it."
She couldn't.
He knew that but he wished she'd at least try.
"Of course you can't. I don't expect anything more from you, Lily."
The worst of it all was that he still loved her. Completely. It pained him to admit it to himself and hell would freeze over before he admitted to anyone, but he did. Just his luck.
Sighing, he held his hands up in surrender. "You know. I'm sorry. This isn't -- it's between you and Noah. If he's let it go, as you say, then I shouldn't bring it up."
Lily swallowed before nodding quickly. "Thank you."
Holden gestured toward the small crowd of his family congregating near the front of the room. "I should get over there." He moved toward them and felt Lily's stare on him the whole way. Before he reached his destination, there are raised voices from the corner. Holden froze as he recognized one as Noah's and the other -- Damian.
"Damn it," he cursed as he rushed toward them.
-- --
"Get the hell out of my face, Grimaldi."
"Crude as always, Noah."
Noah felt the rage raising slowly through him, hands fists at his side as he breathed through his nose, trying to remain calm. He would not cause a scene. He couldn't do that to Henry.
"I have no idea what your problem is, Damian, but attacking me at a funeral doesn't look too good so you know. Back off."
"I will go when you leave my son alone."
Noah shook his head. "That's not your call."
"Almost killing him once wasn't enough. You're no good for him and you know it. At least I thought you did but apparently I was wrong. He will not be put in danger again because of you."
The accusations hit exactly where they were meant to and Noah couldn't stop the way his heart stuttered against his chest. He had hurt Luke. He was selfish. He couldn't --
Holden stood next to him and Noah could feel his anger radiating out to Damian.
Margo was standing at his side in the next second, one hand on his arm as she turned a blistering glare at Damian. "This is not the place, Damian."
Damian shrugged. "I am protecting my son from this piece of --"
The words stuck in Damian's mouth as his head was thrown back by a fist to his face. Noah looked down at his hands, wondering if he had lost himself enough to actually hit Damian but when he paid attention he realized Luke was standing in front of Damian, heaving with rage, his fist bruised at his side.
Luke's voice was steady as he spoke. Never a good sign, Noah thought.
"You were the one that sent me to that place. Took me away from Noah."
Damian held one hand to his nose, eyes softening as he reached for Luke. "I was protecting you."
"From the one person that could bring me back?" Luke backed away, leaning closer to Noah, seeking him out. "I spent months lost, Damian, because I needed Noah to -- you never understood what the connection we have is, did you?"
Noah stepped up, hands on Luke's shoulders. "Baby, stop. It's not worth it."
But Luke couldn't ever be stopped once he started and he glared at Damian. "I can't breath without him. It's like -- living in a haze. I've hated it. Every single minute. That's what he is to me. Air and life. You took that away when I needed it the most. You left me in that limbo, alone and scared, for so long that I never thought I'd be back." He pointed one finger at Damian, and Noah heard the hate thrumming through Luke's voice. "You did that."
"This isn't the place for this, sweetheart."
Luke heard him finally through whatever was happening in his head and turned to Noah, eyes wide with shock. Noah touched his face. "It's okay. We'll go." Henry would understand.
Noah pulled at Luke's arms, guided him out the doors while the buzz of conversation continued around them. He glanced behind, catching Margo speaking to Lily, her body language anger. Holden was addressing the crowd that had gathered, reminding them they were there for Vienna. Carly stood next to Henry, casting raged-filled glanced at Damian while comforting her friend. Noah would need to make sure she didn't do anything crazy later.
Holden and Margo would take care of the rest of it.
His job was to take care of Luke and he'd spent too long not doing that.
That was all that mattered to Noah.
|Chapter Sixteen|
If you haven't ever read it there's a link to the rest of the chapters down below! If you have been waiting patiently for this, I am so sorry and I promise to not keep you waiting for long! (Outline is done I swear!) For those that remember it but DON'T REALLY remember it here's a quick recap:
Noah Synder and Luke Snyder grew up together, fell in love, and were torn apart thanks to Luke's parents and Noah's guilt. Luke is a psychometrist. Psychometry is a form of extrasensory perception - which in Luke's case comes through touch. He touches objects from other people and can see memories, images and form a mental link with the person who owns the object. Luke suffered a coma during a case and was lost to Noah for almost two years. They stayed apart but a new case is bringing them together. A serial killer they thought long gone is back and they lose one of their own -- Vienna. The impact shakes the core of everyone in Oakdale. Noah fights being with Luke until he can't. They end up with each other again and ready to face things together.
So, that's the gist. I mean, there's tons more with other characters but hopefully that helps to remind you all. The story is told in flashbacks to give the reader more background as it goes. :D So, new stuff! ENJOY!
banner made by kari77 - thank you so much, sweetie!
Title: Find Your Way Through Me
Author: freakykat
Rating: NC-17
Chapter: Chapter Fifteen
Pairing: Luke/Noah, some other surprise pairings
Summary: Where there is darkness, find your way through me.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Beta: Thanks to noelleleithe for her always awesome ninja skills
W/C: 3680
Warnings: MAJOR ANGST, some character death, violence
Story Notes: Found in Chapter One.
All chapters found here.
Chapter Fifteen
His footsteps echo in the deserted hospital hallway. He preferred being here when he didn't have to face anyone. Noah turned right, stopping at the slightly open door, watched as, Gloria, the night nurse finished her check up. He stepped inside and when she looked up, her usual smile fell immediately.
“Oh my god.” She took one step forward but froze when Noah shook his head.
“It's not mine.”
Her eyes widened and for what seemed like an eternity, Noah waited to see if she would make him leave. But she didn't. Gloria set Luke's chart back into place, passing by Noah's side, touching his arm and exiting without a word.
His gaze fell on Luke's still form and he swallowed down the disappointment he felt. Needing to breath, Noah walked to the bathroom, closing the door silently behind him. He glanced in the mirror, startled at the man in the reflection. His eyes were ringed with dark circles, blood splattered in a pattern on his shirt, soaked into one sleeve. His face was bruised red, cuts and scratches covered most of it.
Noah closed his eyes against the image, burying the rage that flowed through him somewhere deep inside. He washed his hands in the sink, toweling them dry, leaving behind red stains in his wake. He always left pain behind him. Running shaking but clean fingers through his hair, he breathed deep, remembered Dr. Hughes' instructions that Luke needed a calm atmosphere.
He pushed the door open, stepping back into the room, finding the chair he slept in every night where he always left it, blanket folded perfectly on it. He stared at it for a long moment and made a decision. Grabbing it, he rounded the hospital bed, climbing in next to Luke, gingerly laying his head on the half of the pillow that was empty. He pulled the cover over himself and then Luke, leaned into his neck and took a deep breath. Underneath the smell of the IV and medicine, of the staleness that clung to the air in that place, was Luke. It was familiar and love and home.
"It's over, baby. We got him."
The tears pricked hot at the edges of his vision but he blinked them away. "You can come back. It's safe. I promise."
He waited for anything that proved he'd done the right thing but all he got was the sound of Luke's steadying breathing.
-- --
Luke woke up alert, eyes opening, clear and present. Ever since he'd come back from wherever he'd been for all that time, it was as if his body couldn't bear to sleep one more second than it had to. Sometimes it was due to the nightmares that plagued his sleep, to the things he'd see but mostly it was because he'd lost too much time already.
Turning his head to the side, he frowned at the empty space where Noah should have been. Scowling as he threw the covers off and found his jeans, Luke tried not to let the disappointment get to him. He'd known it would never as easy as it could be. Not when it was Noah. Not when they were dealing with --
"You're awake."
He jumped, meeting Noah's wide blue gaze, catching the quirk of his mouth when he looked at him. Luke's heart stuttered at the emotion he could see there and he searched for any kind of regret on Noah's face. He felt fear in the trembling of Noah's fingers when he reached up to trace them down the side of Luke's face but with it he saw determination. He tried not to read too much in the gesture.
Noah closed his eyes, sighing so deeply that Luke felt it in his own chest and his stomach dropped to his knees. He opened his mouth to tell Noah that he wasn't going to leave, that he would stay with him until Noah gave in but before he could get a sound out, Noah shifted onto his knees, hands resting on his thighs. Luke closed his mouth immediately.
"Okay. I know that this isn't-," Noah swallowed his words and tried again, "It's not fair, okay? I shouldn't want you to forgive me." Luke felt Noah's fingers on his lips and watched as he shook his head at him. "Let me finish."
He nodded, blood pounding in his ears, breath coming in quick burst.
"I shouldn't accept it like this because I hurt you. No matter how scared I was, I should never have done that to you but -- I'm selfish, okay? I don't know -- I have no idea how to do this without you, Luke. I never have." Noah's hands fumbled for Luke's, pulling him up so they were facing each other. "You know me better than I know myself, Luke. I'm stubborn and obtuse sometimes. It takes me forever to figure out things." His hands were warm and Luke breathed in, taking in that familiar scent that was Noah. "I don't want to do that anymore, okay? I haven't changed my mind again. I want you. Here. I love you."
Luke's laugh rattled out his chest and he bent forward, his head dropping on Noah's chest as he let loose all the emotions he'd kept bottled in for almost two years. Everything came out and he felt Noah's hands caressing his skin, skimming over muscles and gripping tight.
"Luke?"
The inflection in Noah's voice meant he was worried, unsure and Luke wiped at the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes. He glanced up at Noah's stricken face and shook his head. It wasn't -- the relief was too great to bear.
"Are you okay? Baby?"
He felt that word all the way down to his toes and he pressed his face into Noah's neck, wrapped arms around him and held on.
"We don't have to rush. I can -- don't be scared because I won't leave again. I'd die first, okay? Believe that."
Luke hands tightened on Noah's back. "Don't die. I don't want that. Ever." He pulled back and met Noah's soft gaze. "Promise?"
Noah nodded. "Promise."
Luke sighed, kissed Noah softly and felt the whisper across his lips.
"Stay."
"Always."
-- --
Casey glanced up at the knock on his door and frowned. He rolled his eyes at his reflection in the mirror, tugging at the tie that for whatever reason he couldn't get on straight. The second knock was louder, more impatient. "Coming."
He crossed his living room and opened the door with a quick yank, freezing when Jade looked back at him, eyes a little sad, Daisy balanced on her hip. "Good morning."
The image made him ache, want so much that he couldn't think for a moment. Jade raised one eyebrow, mouth twitching with repressed laughter. "You gonna let us in?"
"Yeah, of course. Hi, baby girl!" He took their daughter, watched as Jade pushed in the stroller into the corner, placing the diaper bag into its seat. It was the purple one with the daisies he'd bought a few weeks before. His gaze flicked up, catching Jade studying him carefully. He grinned at her, watched her face flush and his stomach flipped with anticipation. "To what do I owe this visit from my two favorite girls in the world?"
Jade brushed her hands on her skirt, a nervous habit she'd been doing for as long as Casey remembered and bit her lip, straightening her shoulders back after a moment. "We wanted to invite you to breakfast."
His heart joined in on the party. He expected a lot of things from Jade but not --
Her invitation was more than just that.
It was an opening.
Another chance.
The shock made him take too long to respond and he watched Jade's face start closing off. "If you don't already have plans that is. Jenny can't start until after noon and it's late but I figured --"
He cut her off mid-sentence. "I'd love to."
Jade gave him a cautious look. "Yeah."
"Yeah." He grinned in agreement, dropping a kiss on Daisy's head. "What do you say, ladybug, you want to have breakfast with Mama and Daddy?" Daisy returned his grin and Casey laughed, skin tingling when he heard the same from Jade. He turned his attention back to her.
"I think we're both in."
Jade smiled wide and he let himself hope.
-- --
Noah rang the bell for the third time in a row. It wasn't a surprise to him. His mother was never known for her punctuality and he glanced at his watch. The door opened only an inch, Carly's eye visible in the crack. Realizing it was him, she closed it again, sliding the chain from its lock and pulled Noah into an embrace.
"Hi, sweetheart."
Noah allowed her to wrap him in her arms, buried his face in her shoulder and took comfort from the faint scent of her perfume, the love that radiated from her warmth. "Hi, Mom."
She stepped back, an eyebrow raising in surprise and delight, her mouth turning up into a smile. "Hmm." He touched his cheek, eyes locking onto his and whatever she might have seen there made her smile widen.
He hated that she knew him well enough to guess what might have happened. Still a little mad that she'd called Luke, he stepped through the door. "Are you guys ready?"
"Sage needs a few more minutes."
He fidgeted as Carly stared at him hard. He needed to seat down.
"You and Luke are back together."
It wasn't a question and Noah blinked at her a few times. She couldn't have possibly --
Carly snorted, rolling her eyes at him. "I am your mother. I know everything."
He stopped on his way into the living room, turning to glare at her and Carly laughed a little, shaking her head. "Okay. Maybe I just know you really well."
Noah shook his head slightly. "I don't know about that, Carly."
"And we're back."
He took a deep breath, turning to face her, meeting Carly's concerned stare. The scariest part of dealing with his mother was realizing how much he still needed her, even after all these years. He remembered what he'd said the night before. "I want to -- apologize for last night."
Carly's face fell slightly and she shook her head. "Don't. Baby, it's not --"
"No, I said a lot of things and it wasn't-"
She held her hand up and he cut off, watched her carefully as she came closer. Her hands rested on his shoulders and shook him. "You were upset, Noah. Angry and scared and hurt. It's okay to feel that way and that's what I'm here for."
"To take my abuse? Carly, that's stupid. I'm an adult."
She gave him a look that he knew all too well.
"If you need to yell at me -- and I've done enough things to all of us in this life that it's perfectly reasonable to yell at me -- then you do that. I won't stop loving you."
Those words weren't a lie, no matter how many times Noah had tried to convince himself that she didn't mean them. He knew Carly wasn't the same person anymore. That she'd grown up like they all had. He knew she loved him. Loved his brothers and sister. That she always would. Understood that she always would.
He swallowed down emotions that threatened to overwhelm him, sighing as he pulled Carly into another hug. "I hate you."
He felt his mother's smile against his shoulder. "That's my boy."
Pulling back, she patted his face before stepping away, motioning toward the stairs, "I'll go get your sister."
He watched her leave the room, breathed out the tension in his chest, hoping that today wouldn't be as difficult as he knew it would be.
Noah had Luke again.
He could get through anything.
-- --
Henry chose a memorial service instead of a funeral. It was what Vienna would have wanted, Luke thought. The room was colorful, filled with flowers of all kinds and he smiled at the idea that Vienna would have loved that. The room was full, people milling about, talking quietly but kindly. He heard soft laughter, making his heart ache in his chest.
His mother and Damian were standing together near the entrance. Luke glanced away and toward the other side of the room where his father stood with grandmothers. He moved in their direction, ignoring the glare he could feel coming from Damian. He didn't want to deal with him at all.
His mind and heart warred with each other. He wanted to dance with happiness, shout to the world that he had his love back. Those thoughts made guilt throb in his chest. Henry lost the woman he loved more than anything.
Someone bumped him from behind and Luke turned, smiling at Casey. Jade stood just behind him. He reached for his cousin, kissing her cheek before turning to hug Casey hard.
"Hey."
Casey pulled away, smiling sadly. "I hate this."
Luke nodded. "I know."
There wasn't much else to say. Vienna's presence in their lives had been like light and warmth. Her kindness and humor making the hard times easier for those she loved. Luke glanced across the room at Henry, holding onto his son like a lifeline, giving those that approached him a hollow smile. Luke's heart ached to see him, fear threaded through his own mind at the thought of losing Noah the way Henry had lost Vienna.
It wasn't something he thought he'd ever live through.
He looked back at Casey and Jade, watched as their gazes collided before quickly flicking away.
Luke prayed that everyone he loved would be safe from the evil he could feel pulsing in the air.
-- --
Noah clasped his hands together, taking a quick sip from the water in his hand, his eyes falling between Henry and Luke. Something in his gut, sharp and sour, made his fear feel more potent. Not knowing what it could be, he wanted to take everyone in this room and tuck them safely in their homes. It wasn't possible, he knew that. Margo would tell him it was his protective instincts that made him feel like danger lurked in every corner.
His eyes caught Henry moving behind a partition, disappearing from his view and Noah's heart dropped to his stomach. He felt panic rise and before he could think better of it, he moved toward where Henry had gone. His eyes strayed to Luke standing next to Jade and Casey.
Luke meet his gaze, smiled slightly as Noah nodded at him.
Reaching the partition, Noah noticed the stairs that went up, and he followed them, hearing quiet voices behind one of the doors. He stood outside, listening as he recognized his mother's voice.
"Oh, Henry."
There was a sound that clutched at his heart, the softest of cries and Noah leaned his head against the wood of the doors, eyes closing.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. How do I even -- I can't breathe, Carly. I can't."
He felt tears escape his closed lids, his own grief magnified with Henry's, memories of what it was like when Luke had been gone rushing back and he stumbled down the stairs, sitting on the bottom one to catch the pain and push it back down.
A shadow fell over him and Noah glanced up to find Luke stood over him, eyes soft with love and hurt. He reached a hand out to run over Noah's head as he sat down next to him. "You don't have to be strong all the time, baby. I got you." Luke pulled Noah closer, one arm sliding over Noah's shoulder and he gave in to the need, resting his head in the crook of Luke's neck.
"I can't fix this." His words stuttered out on a long breath and he felt Luke's fingers curl around his own. "What -- what I do?"
Luke leaned his head against Noah's, sighing and shaking as he laced and unlaced their hands together. "Nothing."
Noah tensed and Luke held on tighter. "Listen to me, Mayer. I know you feel responsible for everything that always happens in the world ever but that's not how life works. Life is messy and horrible. And it's beautiful and wondrous all at once. We can't chose what happens but we can hold on to each other when it's ugly. We can love hard and forever. That's what I plan to do with you whether you like that or not."
Noah let out a watery laugh and said, softly, "I'd like that."
"Good."
They sat quietly together, hidden away from the grief upstairs and the sadness on the other side of the partition until Noah felt like he could believe Luke.
-- --
Holden relaxed as he watched Luke and Noah appear from behind the staircase where they'd been sitting together for twenty minutes. He'd been prepared to go to them, find out how he could help, offer the bit of comfort he could to his boys but -- they weren't boys anymore. They were men who'd lived a hundred lifetimes in the course of barely living one and he knew that whatever came their way, they could handle.
Luke leaned his head on Noah's shoulder for a moment, whispering something that made the other man's mouth twitch up in an almost smile. Holden breathed a sigh of relief. He'd suspected that something had changed between them and the proof of it was in front of him.
"Does that mean what I think it does?"
Holden startled at Lily's voice, turning to give her a quick but happy smile. "Looks like."
Surprising him as she always did, Lily sighed quietly. "I'm glad about that." At the incredulous look he gave her face tensed and she directed her gaze to the people milling around them. "I am, Holden."
He nodded. "I didn't say anything."
"You didn't have to."
Holden turned toward Lily and waited until she finally meet his gaze. "Do you remember what you said to Noah, Lily?" When she paled slightly, he felt a twinge of guilt and that old feeling of wanting to be her comfort but he needed her to understand because she hadn't been there to pick up the pieces of what she'd done. "You told him he was the worst thing to have ever happened to Luke. You said those words, Lily."
"I know what I said. Can't you just -- Noah has let it go, why can't you?" Lily wrung her hands together, looking for all the world like she wanted to run. But that was always what she did.
"You think he let that go? Really? We were family, Lily. We've known Noah since he was a boy. He's been there for Luke and for us through everything. And you think one apology in the midst of your guilt trip because you wanted something from him is going to make up for it."
Lily shook next to him, tears filling her eyes but he couldn't seem to stop. He'd been wanting to say these things to her for a long time.
"He loves Luke. More than his own life, Lily. He was family and you treated him like nothing. You kept him away from our son when he needed Noah the most. That's what you did."
Threading his hand over his hair, Holden shook his head, laughing roughly, mirthlessly. "I wish I could say that I blamed your husband for all that but it wasn't Damian. It was you."
Lily's anger flared and she turned on Holden, eyes flashing. "What am I supposed to do about that now? I can't change it."
She couldn't.
He knew that but he wished she'd at least try.
"Of course you can't. I don't expect anything more from you, Lily."
The worst of it all was that he still loved her. Completely. It pained him to admit it to himself and hell would freeze over before he admitted to anyone, but he did. Just his luck.
Sighing, he held his hands up in surrender. "You know. I'm sorry. This isn't -- it's between you and Noah. If he's let it go, as you say, then I shouldn't bring it up."
Lily swallowed before nodding quickly. "Thank you."
Holden gestured toward the small crowd of his family congregating near the front of the room. "I should get over there." He moved toward them and felt Lily's stare on him the whole way. Before he reached his destination, there are raised voices from the corner. Holden froze as he recognized one as Noah's and the other -- Damian.
"Damn it," he cursed as he rushed toward them.
-- --
"Get the hell out of my face, Grimaldi."
"Crude as always, Noah."
Noah felt the rage raising slowly through him, hands fists at his side as he breathed through his nose, trying to remain calm. He would not cause a scene. He couldn't do that to Henry.
"I have no idea what your problem is, Damian, but attacking me at a funeral doesn't look too good so you know. Back off."
"I will go when you leave my son alone."
Noah shook his head. "That's not your call."
"Almost killing him once wasn't enough. You're no good for him and you know it. At least I thought you did but apparently I was wrong. He will not be put in danger again because of you."
The accusations hit exactly where they were meant to and Noah couldn't stop the way his heart stuttered against his chest. He had hurt Luke. He was selfish. He couldn't --
Holden stood next to him and Noah could feel his anger radiating out to Damian.
Margo was standing at his side in the next second, one hand on his arm as she turned a blistering glare at Damian. "This is not the place, Damian."
Damian shrugged. "I am protecting my son from this piece of --"
The words stuck in Damian's mouth as his head was thrown back by a fist to his face. Noah looked down at his hands, wondering if he had lost himself enough to actually hit Damian but when he paid attention he realized Luke was standing in front of Damian, heaving with rage, his fist bruised at his side.
Luke's voice was steady as he spoke. Never a good sign, Noah thought.
"You were the one that sent me to that place. Took me away from Noah."
Damian held one hand to his nose, eyes softening as he reached for Luke. "I was protecting you."
"From the one person that could bring me back?" Luke backed away, leaning closer to Noah, seeking him out. "I spent months lost, Damian, because I needed Noah to -- you never understood what the connection we have is, did you?"
Noah stepped up, hands on Luke's shoulders. "Baby, stop. It's not worth it."
But Luke couldn't ever be stopped once he started and he glared at Damian. "I can't breath without him. It's like -- living in a haze. I've hated it. Every single minute. That's what he is to me. Air and life. You took that away when I needed it the most. You left me in that limbo, alone and scared, for so long that I never thought I'd be back." He pointed one finger at Damian, and Noah heard the hate thrumming through Luke's voice. "You did that."
"This isn't the place for this, sweetheart."
Luke heard him finally through whatever was happening in his head and turned to Noah, eyes wide with shock. Noah touched his face. "It's okay. We'll go." Henry would understand.
Noah pulled at Luke's arms, guided him out the doors while the buzz of conversation continued around them. He glanced behind, catching Margo speaking to Lily, her body language anger. Holden was addressing the crowd that had gathered, reminding them they were there for Vienna. Carly stood next to Henry, casting raged-filled glanced at Damian while comforting her friend. Noah would need to make sure she didn't do anything crazy later.
Holden and Margo would take care of the rest of it.
His job was to take care of Luke and he'd spent too long not doing that.
That was all that mattered to Noah.
|Chapter Sixteen|