starting over
so its been a while.
hip rehab isnt going so well. isnt really going at all. can walk very short distances. can sit up for maybe an hour without pain. i'm working maybe 2 days a week, 2 hours a day. i'm surviving on pain pills (much less than before) and muscle relaxers. i live in my bed.
i am 31 and as depressed as i have ever been. chronic pain and a seeming lack of progress in healing have taken away hope. i look in the mirror and i see a girl who a year and half ago, two hip surgeries ago, was 25 lbs lighter, could play with her daughter and work full time, run errands, go out with friends, and have a life. now i see someone who has no hope. who doesn't even have the energy or the will to challenge the stairs to get food when she's hungry. who is useless as a wife, a mom, and a worker. i am just taking up oxygen. and there IS no light at the end of the tunnel. the drs have done everything they can, and i simply am not getting better.
i have hit rock bottom. maybe i had to in order to go anywhere.
i've decided i cannot live like this. if this is how the rest of my life is to be, i will not accept it. pain pills simply take the edge off for a few hours, only to let it return again. what's the point. i CANNOT live like this. i cannot lie in bed day after day and wait for there to be hope. wait for that light at the end of the tunnel that never appears.
i have two choices. give up on life or make my own hope. i've come VERY close to giving up on life. many many times. a life without hope is a very depressing one. but for some insane reason my daughter still loves me and tells me she's glad i'm her mom. i have no idea why. i don't deserve her. or her devotion to me. i havent been able to take care of her or play with her in.. a very long time. but as ready as i am to give up on life, i cannot give up on her.
i must make my own hope. its simply not going to show up on its own. i must create my own light at the end of this god-awful tunnel. there will not be one if i dont.
it hurts when i walk. i will walk every day until it gets better.
it hurts to go to work. i will go every day even if its only for an hour.
it hurts to sit for dinner. but damn it i WILL sit up and have dinner with my family.
and i will deal with my pain. i am almost out of pain pills anyway. i won't beg for more.
and if this doesnt work... i will know i did everything i could to get better. and then... i don't know.
but i have to try. i have to try something.
i can't live like this. this isnt life.
hip rehab isnt going so well. isnt really going at all. can walk very short distances. can sit up for maybe an hour without pain. i'm working maybe 2 days a week, 2 hours a day. i'm surviving on pain pills (much less than before) and muscle relaxers. i live in my bed.
i am 31 and as depressed as i have ever been. chronic pain and a seeming lack of progress in healing have taken away hope. i look in the mirror and i see a girl who a year and half ago, two hip surgeries ago, was 25 lbs lighter, could play with her daughter and work full time, run errands, go out with friends, and have a life. now i see someone who has no hope. who doesn't even have the energy or the will to challenge the stairs to get food when she's hungry. who is useless as a wife, a mom, and a worker. i am just taking up oxygen. and there IS no light at the end of the tunnel. the drs have done everything they can, and i simply am not getting better.
i have hit rock bottom. maybe i had to in order to go anywhere.
i've decided i cannot live like this. if this is how the rest of my life is to be, i will not accept it. pain pills simply take the edge off for a few hours, only to let it return again. what's the point. i CANNOT live like this. i cannot lie in bed day after day and wait for there to be hope. wait for that light at the end of the tunnel that never appears.
i have two choices. give up on life or make my own hope. i've come VERY close to giving up on life. many many times. a life without hope is a very depressing one. but for some insane reason my daughter still loves me and tells me she's glad i'm her mom. i have no idea why. i don't deserve her. or her devotion to me. i havent been able to take care of her or play with her in.. a very long time. but as ready as i am to give up on life, i cannot give up on her.
i must make my own hope. its simply not going to show up on its own. i must create my own light at the end of this god-awful tunnel. there will not be one if i dont.
it hurts when i walk. i will walk every day until it gets better.
it hurts to go to work. i will go every day even if its only for an hour.
it hurts to sit for dinner. but damn it i WILL sit up and have dinner with my family.
and i will deal with my pain. i am almost out of pain pills anyway. i won't beg for more.
and if this doesnt work... i will know i did everything i could to get better. and then... i don't know.
but i have to try. i have to try something.
i can't live like this. this isnt life.