2005 in review...
do i really want to do this? it was a really rough year for me. one that, for the most part, i'd like to forget. but maybe by writing it down i can put it behind me, if that makes any sense at all. you'd think an english major would be better able to express that thought... anyway.. here goes..
this gets very long, so here's to not cluttering up your friends page..
i had hip surgery. after 5 years of hurting, having many drs tell me nothing was wrong, i was a drug-seeker, etc, i finally got diagnosed and went under the knife. hurt like hell, was a much more difficult recovery than i or the dr expected. seemed to fix things, tho the last few weeks have been really bad and i have already made another appt with my spine dr.
lost my career. due to the hip surgery, i had to take an extended leave of absence from teaching, making me lose a year (of the 3 i had) in which to complete all this crap in order to become a fully certified (as opposed to temporarily certified) teacher. this left me two years to do 3 years work. could have survived it. except for the fact that i quit teaching again, after i came back off of leave, in order to take care of my dad's business.. leads me to my next point, which i will get back to... but the point is, even if i were to go back to teaching now, i wouldnt have time to finish all the requirements needed in order to get my full certification. and the temporary one is non-renewable, so i'm basically screwed there. cant ever teach in a public school (or most private schools) in florida again.
my dad got diagnosed with lymphoma. treatment went very well at first... now he's not doing so great. i went to work for him so he could take the time off he needed to deal with his cancer. he wont take time off, and he wont turn any part of the business over to me. i'm basically a 9-5 employee, who gets blamed when things get fucked up yet who gets NO say in any type of responsibilities or decision-making. its very frustrating. esp bc i was actually making more per year teaching, and i got a hell of a lot more time off.
watched an amazing relationship with someone i loved dearly disintegrate before my eyes. wasnt just a big 'hey, i know yesterday things were great, but today i just dont love you anymore', but was more like a slow and painful death of the relationship. still dont know what happened. i can look back to the beginning and remember how perfect everything was... i mean, it was love-story perfect.. and i just dont know how it got to where it ended. the strain of him having to take care of me during my surgery and recovery? the stress of moving into a new place and having SOOO much stuff to do? or was it simply the fact that someone else came along that i was interested in and i just didnt like all the rules i felt i was being given... i dont know what happened, probably a combination of many things.. but its still sad to see a relationship that was so good go so bad. esp when you cant even be friends later on. what makes it even worse is that i miss sam too. just hanging out with him.. watching anime at 4 am.. going to walmart in the middle of the night. but i just dont feel right trying to see if he still wants to hang out with me when i know he is such an important person in todd's life, and i dont want to fuck up that friendship. at one point, todd and sam were one of the best things that ever happened to me... now i have lost them both. my fault or not, it hurts.
and oh yeah, i didnt tell anyone at the time, cause i didnt want to really deal with it myself, but i had a miscarriage. didnt mean to get pregnant... got pregnant with an IUD in actually (which is most likely why i miscarried)... and it truly devastated me. had the IUD taken out immediately afterward.. if any kind of accidental pregnancy occurs again, i certainly dont want it doomed from the get-go.
so.. i guess that pretty much gets all the depressing stuff out of the way... how about i move on before i feel the need to get drunk at 2:30 in the afternoon...
met a man who loves me dearly, who would do just about anything for me, and who loves my kid like his own and who gets along with my husband. oh, and he cooks and cleans too ;) found out i have a strong desire for bondage, to be dominated, to be taken care of, to have a Master. it has definitely filled a craving in my sexual appetite i never knew i was missing, but i thank god i found it.
came to the realization, after way too many years, that i loved my husband more than i realized... that he puts up with my shit, hes there when i fall, he's the rock i cannot live without, and i am the luckiest woman alive to have him. i dont know, in the past it seems i always looked for what i 'didnt' have.. taken him for granted, not realizing that all i needed slept right next to me every single night. its good to have that bond again.
sold our house for twice what we bought it for and bought a house almost twice its size for the same thing we sold the other house for. now only problem... keeping it clean. love the new neighborhood tho... jadyn has such a great time with the friends she's made out here and its great to see her living a more normal kids life, playing outside, going to visit neighbors, riding her bike to the park with the other neighborhood kids... its so awesome. something i didnt think still existed nowadays, but somehow we found a neighborhood where it did (granted, none of friends want to drive all the way out here to see us anymore :P )
my daughter got into like, the best elementary school in jax. she is doing VERY well there. they deal with her ADHD quite well (which is getting worse by the day.. not sure how much longer i'll be able to put off meds). she actually enjoys going to school and SHE IS ACTUALLY LEARNING. to any parent of an ADHD kid, you know how much that means... and on the same note, jamie is doing well enough in poker to actually pay for her tuition which we could certainly never afford any other way... $850 a month last time i saw a bill i believe.. and to think public school is free.... ::sigh:: she also wouldnt be learning a damn thing most likely. as a teacher, i can honestly say, she is VERY difficult to teach. as much as i fought jamie on spending the money on sending her to this school, now that i see how well she does there, i would do anything it took to keep her there. oh, and this school has only misplaced her ONCE so far ;)
i guess that pretty much about covers it. obv some great things happened this year. but some pretty shitty ones piled up too. hopefully next year is better.
so... this was the longest post ever.. but i think i do feel a little better getting it all off my chest. clean the slate so we can start new this year?
as far as new years resolutions, i dont make them. life throws too many curve-balls at me for me to try to guess what things are most important to me throughout the ENTIRE next year.
for those of you who actually made it through this entire post, i thank you for caring that much. for everyone who has ever given me an encouraging word... you have no idea how uplifting that is for me - to check my livejournal in the middle of a bad day and read happy thoughts sent my way :)
happy new year folks. hope some great things are in store for you.
this gets very long, so here's to not cluttering up your friends page..
i had hip surgery. after 5 years of hurting, having many drs tell me nothing was wrong, i was a drug-seeker, etc, i finally got diagnosed and went under the knife. hurt like hell, was a much more difficult recovery than i or the dr expected. seemed to fix things, tho the last few weeks have been really bad and i have already made another appt with my spine dr.
lost my career. due to the hip surgery, i had to take an extended leave of absence from teaching, making me lose a year (of the 3 i had) in which to complete all this crap in order to become a fully certified (as opposed to temporarily certified) teacher. this left me two years to do 3 years work. could have survived it. except for the fact that i quit teaching again, after i came back off of leave, in order to take care of my dad's business.. leads me to my next point, which i will get back to... but the point is, even if i were to go back to teaching now, i wouldnt have time to finish all the requirements needed in order to get my full certification. and the temporary one is non-renewable, so i'm basically screwed there. cant ever teach in a public school (or most private schools) in florida again.
my dad got diagnosed with lymphoma. treatment went very well at first... now he's not doing so great. i went to work for him so he could take the time off he needed to deal with his cancer. he wont take time off, and he wont turn any part of the business over to me. i'm basically a 9-5 employee, who gets blamed when things get fucked up yet who gets NO say in any type of responsibilities or decision-making. its very frustrating. esp bc i was actually making more per year teaching, and i got a hell of a lot more time off.
watched an amazing relationship with someone i loved dearly disintegrate before my eyes. wasnt just a big 'hey, i know yesterday things were great, but today i just dont love you anymore', but was more like a slow and painful death of the relationship. still dont know what happened. i can look back to the beginning and remember how perfect everything was... i mean, it was love-story perfect.. and i just dont know how it got to where it ended. the strain of him having to take care of me during my surgery and recovery? the stress of moving into a new place and having SOOO much stuff to do? or was it simply the fact that someone else came along that i was interested in and i just didnt like all the rules i felt i was being given... i dont know what happened, probably a combination of many things.. but its still sad to see a relationship that was so good go so bad. esp when you cant even be friends later on. what makes it even worse is that i miss sam too. just hanging out with him.. watching anime at 4 am.. going to walmart in the middle of the night. but i just dont feel right trying to see if he still wants to hang out with me when i know he is such an important person in todd's life, and i dont want to fuck up that friendship. at one point, todd and sam were one of the best things that ever happened to me... now i have lost them both. my fault or not, it hurts.
and oh yeah, i didnt tell anyone at the time, cause i didnt want to really deal with it myself, but i had a miscarriage. didnt mean to get pregnant... got pregnant with an IUD in actually (which is most likely why i miscarried)... and it truly devastated me. had the IUD taken out immediately afterward.. if any kind of accidental pregnancy occurs again, i certainly dont want it doomed from the get-go.
so.. i guess that pretty much gets all the depressing stuff out of the way... how about i move on before i feel the need to get drunk at 2:30 in the afternoon...
met a man who loves me dearly, who would do just about anything for me, and who loves my kid like his own and who gets along with my husband. oh, and he cooks and cleans too ;) found out i have a strong desire for bondage, to be dominated, to be taken care of, to have a Master. it has definitely filled a craving in my sexual appetite i never knew i was missing, but i thank god i found it.
came to the realization, after way too many years, that i loved my husband more than i realized... that he puts up with my shit, hes there when i fall, he's the rock i cannot live without, and i am the luckiest woman alive to have him. i dont know, in the past it seems i always looked for what i 'didnt' have.. taken him for granted, not realizing that all i needed slept right next to me every single night. its good to have that bond again.
sold our house for twice what we bought it for and bought a house almost twice its size for the same thing we sold the other house for. now only problem... keeping it clean. love the new neighborhood tho... jadyn has such a great time with the friends she's made out here and its great to see her living a more normal kids life, playing outside, going to visit neighbors, riding her bike to the park with the other neighborhood kids... its so awesome. something i didnt think still existed nowadays, but somehow we found a neighborhood where it did (granted, none of friends want to drive all the way out here to see us anymore :P )
my daughter got into like, the best elementary school in jax. she is doing VERY well there. they deal with her ADHD quite well (which is getting worse by the day.. not sure how much longer i'll be able to put off meds). she actually enjoys going to school and SHE IS ACTUALLY LEARNING. to any parent of an ADHD kid, you know how much that means... and on the same note, jamie is doing well enough in poker to actually pay for her tuition which we could certainly never afford any other way... $850 a month last time i saw a bill i believe.. and to think public school is free.... ::sigh:: she also wouldnt be learning a damn thing most likely. as a teacher, i can honestly say, she is VERY difficult to teach. as much as i fought jamie on spending the money on sending her to this school, now that i see how well she does there, i would do anything it took to keep her there. oh, and this school has only misplaced her ONCE so far ;)
i guess that pretty much about covers it. obv some great things happened this year. but some pretty shitty ones piled up too. hopefully next year is better.
so... this was the longest post ever.. but i think i do feel a little better getting it all off my chest. clean the slate so we can start new this year?
as far as new years resolutions, i dont make them. life throws too many curve-balls at me for me to try to guess what things are most important to me throughout the ENTIRE next year.
for those of you who actually made it through this entire post, i thank you for caring that much. for everyone who has ever given me an encouraging word... you have no idea how uplifting that is for me - to check my livejournal in the middle of a bad day and read happy thoughts sent my way :)
happy new year folks. hope some great things are in store for you.