Research Paper #12
Fakir tried to show me how to make private entries the other day, so hopefully this works. To be honest, I haven't been picking this up as easilly as I wanted to...although I suppose part of it is that I've just been distracted lately. I thought maybe a journal entry would help me sort out my thoughts...
I've been looking at my family tree a lot lately. I don't know exactly why, but it's always been calming to me to pull it out and trace my fingers along the lines. Not that I can read it very well without my glasses -- I have to squint. (Why is my handwriting so impossibly small?) I don't even know why it's here with me...it wasn't when I fell asleep. Actually, I wasn't even wearing my uniform or glasses when I slept, if I remember right, so I shouldn't have those things, either. Odd...
I've been trying to put together my room like Drosselmeyer's study, but I'm not sure if that's going to work very well. I only have one room -- I'm going to have to sleep somewhere. I mean, Drosselmeyer had a bench, but...I don't think I could sleep very well on that. But how am I possibly going to be able to write without it? I wish I could just get an extra room and make it into the study, but I doubt the other residents would let me do that. I'd even share a room with someone if that would help, but I don't think that will work -- Fakir would never share a room with someone. Well, he shared a room with Mytho, but he would never share a room with me.
And I don't think I'd feel comfortable sharing a room with Mytho, nor him with me. I barely know him. He seems nice enough, and as far as I can tell he treats Rue well, so I don't particularly dislike him, but...I don't really like him much, either. I don't think he knows that -- hopefully he doesn't. It's petty, maybe, but the way things stand between us I can't bring myself to consider him anything more than a rival. Part of me almost wishes he had gotten hurt when...
I really shouldn't think that way.
I can't believe that, of all people, he would take a pregnant woman, particularly one that wasn't really involved with his conflict with his sister. I don't know who he is, or why Joshua and his sister are fighting, but...if this is how he resolves his conflicts, he's absolutely despicable. This entire conflict is making me antsy -- as a resident of the Opera House, I'm invovled, but I don't understand what's going on, or even know the people invovled very well. I don't know either Christine or her husband well -- they don't venture out to the main Opera House too much, as far as I've seen. Rosette, I wasn't even really introduced to her until yesterday. I feel like I can't do anything to solve this, but because of where I live, I'm involved whether I like it or not. It's unsettling. I feel like there's not much I can do again...I hate it.
I keep having nightmares about...the Book Men. Being unable to help Fakir. (Why Fakir? Why do I even care to protect him?) Being unable to do anything. (Why am I always watching from the sidelines?)
And my father's funeral. So...empty. There were only two people there... And sometimes it's even my funeral, but instead of there only being two, there's nobody there.
Every time I fall asleep, another nightmare. I rarely even dream...this, too, is unsettling.
I don't know if this is working. Now I feel even more worried. Maybe I should just not think about things...I'm going to go (try) to read a book, I think.
((OOC: Autor's starting to learn computer skills, so this entry is a bit more difficult to hack compared to his typical attempt at keeping things private -- but anyone with skill should still not have too much of a problem trying to read this if they wanted to. Autor's really not going to be happy when he finds this out. XD;))