Nothing Hurts More...
I always knew that a day would come when I would have to say goodbye to someone so special in my life. And while that day has not come yet, a certain turn of events has made me realize that it could come soon. I found out last night that my grandmother who basically help raise me is in the hospital with pneumonia. What makes it worse is that she has had Alzheimer's for about 8 years or so. In that time I always hoped that it was just a phase and that my grandmother who always had ice cream with Hershey's chocolate syrup waiting for me when I got off the bus from school or the woman who let me pick out as much junk food as I wanted at the grocery store during the summer (much to the discontent of my mother) would never leave me and would remember me again. I always imagined that I would bring my children to visit her and she would be at my wedding, but she wasn't able to come to my wedding and I now I have to come to understand that she will probably never see my children. What makes it harder is I never knew my grandfather (her husband) because he died when my mom was really young, so that whole part of my family will be gone. I often cry because I never knew my grandfather and wish I knew more about him. My mom doesn't talk about it because she either doesn't remember much or it hurts her to do so.
But what makes it absolutely life shattering is the fact that I haven't seen her in 3 years. How could I let myself choose to be so selfish and not try to visit the woman that taught me so much and always thought I was a perfect angel no matter what I did? Instead I let my fear of breaking down when I saw her and getting upset that she wouldn't remember and that she was no in a nursing home that I absolutely hated (because the one she was in previously shut down) get in the way. And no matter how much my mom tells me that she wouldn't want any of the grandchildren or her children for that matter to see her the way she is I still will always feel guilty. From what I hear she doesn't talk much and just sits there with a blank stare, not at all like the woman I new that always had a smile on her face and carried herself with such grace and dignity. She had everything to be proud of, she raised five children by herself and they all turned out to be wonderful, but she has no memory of that.
It breaks my heart to know that I'll get a phone call one day saying I need to come back to Louisiana because my "Maw Maw T" left us. I'm having a hard time keeping myself together knowing that she is in the hospital I just don't know what it will do to me to know that is so much worse.
So for those of you who pray, please keep my grandmother in your prayers and for those of you who don't pray please keep her in your thoughts.
But what makes it absolutely life shattering is the fact that I haven't seen her in 3 years. How could I let myself choose to be so selfish and not try to visit the woman that taught me so much and always thought I was a perfect angel no matter what I did? Instead I let my fear of breaking down when I saw her and getting upset that she wouldn't remember and that she was no in a nursing home that I absolutely hated (because the one she was in previously shut down) get in the way. And no matter how much my mom tells me that she wouldn't want any of the grandchildren or her children for that matter to see her the way she is I still will always feel guilty. From what I hear she doesn't talk much and just sits there with a blank stare, not at all like the woman I new that always had a smile on her face and carried herself with such grace and dignity. She had everything to be proud of, she raised five children by herself and they all turned out to be wonderful, but she has no memory of that.
It breaks my heart to know that I'll get a phone call one day saying I need to come back to Louisiana because my "Maw Maw T" left us. I'm having a hard time keeping myself together knowing that she is in the hospital I just don't know what it will do to me to know that is so much worse.
So for those of you who pray, please keep my grandmother in your prayers and for those of you who don't pray please keep her in your thoughts.