End of an Era
*cracks an imaginary cider*
I have to start keeping a stash of real alcohol around, so I'll have it on occasions like this.
Went to a bboy battle today... wow.
And, I came to a conclusion, a fairly epic one as my conclusions go. I like this. A lot. The things I have in my life now mean more to me than the things I used to have.
That's kinda hard for me to say. I'm giving up a lot... I guess that's what I want to talk about now. Kinda a memorial.
Easy. That's a word that isn't going to exist for me anymore, at least not for a long while. If I take it easy, I won't be able to have the things that I want. Not anymore. Doesn't matter where I go or what choices I make anymore... I'm a different person, and things are always going to be hard for me now. That one hardly bothers me at all.
Comfort. Relaxation. Maybe I'll have them again someday, I dunno. Maybe I'll get used to being this, maybe a few people out here will get to know me well enough I can just be myself around them, but it won't be soon. The one thing that makes me loneliest out here is that no one knows me, because I'm always a little filtered, a little on guard around them... but I need those filters and guards now. They're a big part of what makes me different from what I used to be, what I no longer want to be. That hurts a little... like walking for hours only to learn you have days left to travel.
The weather in Kentucky. That one nearly tears me apart. That feeling of just stepping outside and having the wonderful, powerful climate to tell you how to move, what to feel, where to go... I always felt connected there. Like the earth and air were tied into me, holding me up. I'm not entirely willing to give that one up just yet... so I'll say that someday I'll move back, maybe for good. When I have enough of what I love about my life out here in me that I can carry it back.
There are other things, too... good friends, many of my best, a city and a woodland that I love, the remaining members of my family whose ashes I will not be using as kitty litter the moment they die... but, the fact is that Oregon has everything I need right now. UO's math and CS departments are strong enough to give me the background I need, once I actually start working for them again. Eugene's dance community is one of the best in the nation. I can't give up on those things because I want to lie on rich grass and stare at pretty clouds and feel safe.
I always think about personal growth in terms of forges and nurseries (like plant nurseries). You need some of both... sometimes you need your life to be hellishly difficult and scary, to make you push your boundaries and do things you never would unless you had to; and sometimes you need life to be rich and bountiful, to give you the resources to pursue your own projects and hone your skills. Sometimes you need the world to give you what you need, and sometimes you need the world to make you take it. When I came to Eugene, I came looking for a forge, and I found one. When I decided to leave, it was because I needed a nursery again. But now I'm a different creature than I was when I arrived... now Eugene is the nursery, and that means that Kentucky, much as I love it, will have to wait.
I have to start keeping a stash of real alcohol around, so I'll have it on occasions like this.
Went to a bboy battle today... wow.
And, I came to a conclusion, a fairly epic one as my conclusions go. I like this. A lot. The things I have in my life now mean more to me than the things I used to have.
That's kinda hard for me to say. I'm giving up a lot... I guess that's what I want to talk about now. Kinda a memorial.
Easy. That's a word that isn't going to exist for me anymore, at least not for a long while. If I take it easy, I won't be able to have the things that I want. Not anymore. Doesn't matter where I go or what choices I make anymore... I'm a different person, and things are always going to be hard for me now. That one hardly bothers me at all.
Comfort. Relaxation. Maybe I'll have them again someday, I dunno. Maybe I'll get used to being this, maybe a few people out here will get to know me well enough I can just be myself around them, but it won't be soon. The one thing that makes me loneliest out here is that no one knows me, because I'm always a little filtered, a little on guard around them... but I need those filters and guards now. They're a big part of what makes me different from what I used to be, what I no longer want to be. That hurts a little... like walking for hours only to learn you have days left to travel.
The weather in Kentucky. That one nearly tears me apart. That feeling of just stepping outside and having the wonderful, powerful climate to tell you how to move, what to feel, where to go... I always felt connected there. Like the earth and air were tied into me, holding me up. I'm not entirely willing to give that one up just yet... so I'll say that someday I'll move back, maybe for good. When I have enough of what I love about my life out here in me that I can carry it back.
There are other things, too... good friends, many of my best, a city and a woodland that I love, the remaining members of my family whose ashes I will not be using as kitty litter the moment they die... but, the fact is that Oregon has everything I need right now. UO's math and CS departments are strong enough to give me the background I need, once I actually start working for them again. Eugene's dance community is one of the best in the nation. I can't give up on those things because I want to lie on rich grass and stare at pretty clouds and feel safe.
I always think about personal growth in terms of forges and nurseries (like plant nurseries). You need some of both... sometimes you need your life to be hellishly difficult and scary, to make you push your boundaries and do things you never would unless you had to; and sometimes you need life to be rich and bountiful, to give you the resources to pursue your own projects and hone your skills. Sometimes you need the world to give you what you need, and sometimes you need the world to make you take it. When I came to Eugene, I came looking for a forge, and I found one. When I decided to leave, it was because I needed a nursery again. But now I'm a different creature than I was when I arrived... now Eugene is the nursery, and that means that Kentucky, much as I love it, will have to wait.