(no subject)
Ya know, I don't post regularly. Every time I tell myself to, it just doesn't happen. But then some event comes along and it makes me want to just get it out there, tell someone who isn't a part of the situation or who isn't in my family, because while knowing I have their support is nice, it just doesn't help for some reason and that feeling of helplessness almost makes me wanna make a stupid decision.
When I was in High School, I worked as a dishwasher in a little family owned restaurant. I mean the owners kids worked their, her nieces and nephews, everyone knew everybody. It was in my junior year, one of the cooks died. I didn't find out until I was at work and then had to work shift where every little thing reminded me about him. It wasn't just me though, it was the whole restaurant, there was this heavy air in the whole place that you couldn't get rid of and couldn't really fathom. It kinda killed and reaffirmed my non-belief in god as it were based on certain circumstances involved and made me feel a little bit like a monster at one point because of some of the things I was thinking.
This isn't about that though, this is about someone else, someone else who I didn't know nearly as well, but someone who made me feel welcome, who stood up for me, and who was one of the best people that I have come across. Jason Hills died late Thursday night, early Friday morning. I worked with him occasionally when I had to close out tickets in the Steak House. Like I said, I didn't know him that well, there are many who knew him better, but goddamn if that makes it hurt any less.
This guy, he had his whole life ahead of him. In the past couple of months he had bought a house with his fiance, they were going to be married, I believe within the year, he worked with people that loved him everyday that he worked. He talked with everyone like he knew them, he never stayed angry that I knew and people that only knew him and passing mourn for him. He was the quintessential 'good guy', a fine man.
When I was told that he died, it was like a punch to the gut. Where when Chad died, I dropped to my knees, with Jason it felt like someone kicked me in the ribs, it hurt. It still hurts, I walk into the steak house and all I wanna do is cry. And I know its going to be like that, I went through the same thing with Chad, but knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less. In fact it made me wanna drink, heavily, but that never helps anything and it'll still hurt when I wake up. Not to mention that alcohol may have played a part in both deaths, one more intentional than the other. And that's another thing that hurts.
Both died because of some really, really stupid mistakes. Chad because he and his buddies mixed alcohol and drinking. Jason because he mixed alcohol and prescription medicine. Both are inarguably stupid, stupid decisions, but just because they had a lapse in judgement doesn't mean that their death hurts any less.
And then, with working at Sharon's no one said anything about Chad, there were no misunderstandings or misconceptions. With working at a place as big as the casino, there are those and rumors abound. I had a co-worker tell me that she had three table games dealers(who are the devil incarnate, I HATE them all, not joking) in her line in associate dining asking each other who Jason was, one of them said and I quote "I think that he was a bartender the drank heavily a lot". Okay, like I said alcohol played a factor but I don't care. When someone has just DIED you do not go around making such broad ASSUMPTIONS about their character, for gods sake the man's fiance works on the floor and a lot of his friends work there as well. I'm thankful that it was my co-worker who heard them and not anyone from the steak house. Plus, she has this way of saying things that makes you feel like an idiot and her replay was "NOT that it's any of your business, but Jason was a server in the Steak House and didn't drink that much". And another thing that my supervisor pointed out, I dare them to point at more than three people in that damn casino who doesn't drink. They would be hard pressed too because the people that come in the damn place for the most part are assholes, cunts, and the bottom of the genetic barrel. I hate them with a passion that I haven't felt since dealing with drunk people at Ric's.
Anyways, I'm done now. I tired I have to work Memorial weekend on Seafood night, so those bottom barrel cunt asses are going to be out in full force. Night all.
(edit) I realize that i may have ended this a bit abruptly but I can't think about it anymore, it makes me sad and until his funeral is over the wound is still going to be a little more than tender. Also after reading it, it makes it seem like that i didn't know Jason hardly at all. No, I have worked in the Steak House a lot in the year that I have been there, and Jason was usually there too, and it kind of kills that I won't see his name on the white board ever again, I used to look for it because he was the best out of them.
He was one of the first to make me feel welcome, he was the first to help me stand up for myself in there, he was the only one to rub my back and say "good job tonight", and knowing a man like that is gone and he won't be making anymore "crack-coffee" makes me wanna sob.
That's all, I'm really going to bed now. (edit)
When I was in High School, I worked as a dishwasher in a little family owned restaurant. I mean the owners kids worked their, her nieces and nephews, everyone knew everybody. It was in my junior year, one of the cooks died. I didn't find out until I was at work and then had to work shift where every little thing reminded me about him. It wasn't just me though, it was the whole restaurant, there was this heavy air in the whole place that you couldn't get rid of and couldn't really fathom. It kinda killed and reaffirmed my non-belief in god as it were based on certain circumstances involved and made me feel a little bit like a monster at one point because of some of the things I was thinking.
This isn't about that though, this is about someone else, someone else who I didn't know nearly as well, but someone who made me feel welcome, who stood up for me, and who was one of the best people that I have come across. Jason Hills died late Thursday night, early Friday morning. I worked with him occasionally when I had to close out tickets in the Steak House. Like I said, I didn't know him that well, there are many who knew him better, but goddamn if that makes it hurt any less.
This guy, he had his whole life ahead of him. In the past couple of months he had bought a house with his fiance, they were going to be married, I believe within the year, he worked with people that loved him everyday that he worked. He talked with everyone like he knew them, he never stayed angry that I knew and people that only knew him and passing mourn for him. He was the quintessential 'good guy', a fine man.
When I was told that he died, it was like a punch to the gut. Where when Chad died, I dropped to my knees, with Jason it felt like someone kicked me in the ribs, it hurt. It still hurts, I walk into the steak house and all I wanna do is cry. And I know its going to be like that, I went through the same thing with Chad, but knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less. In fact it made me wanna drink, heavily, but that never helps anything and it'll still hurt when I wake up. Not to mention that alcohol may have played a part in both deaths, one more intentional than the other. And that's another thing that hurts.
Both died because of some really, really stupid mistakes. Chad because he and his buddies mixed alcohol and drinking. Jason because he mixed alcohol and prescription medicine. Both are inarguably stupid, stupid decisions, but just because they had a lapse in judgement doesn't mean that their death hurts any less.
And then, with working at Sharon's no one said anything about Chad, there were no misunderstandings or misconceptions. With working at a place as big as the casino, there are those and rumors abound. I had a co-worker tell me that she had three table games dealers(who are the devil incarnate, I HATE them all, not joking) in her line in associate dining asking each other who Jason was, one of them said and I quote "I think that he was a bartender the drank heavily a lot". Okay, like I said alcohol played a factor but I don't care. When someone has just DIED you do not go around making such broad ASSUMPTIONS about their character, for gods sake the man's fiance works on the floor and a lot of his friends work there as well. I'm thankful that it was my co-worker who heard them and not anyone from the steak house. Plus, she has this way of saying things that makes you feel like an idiot and her replay was "NOT that it's any of your business, but Jason was a server in the Steak House and didn't drink that much". And another thing that my supervisor pointed out, I dare them to point at more than three people in that damn casino who doesn't drink. They would be hard pressed too because the people that come in the damn place for the most part are assholes, cunts, and the bottom of the genetic barrel. I hate them with a passion that I haven't felt since dealing with drunk people at Ric's.
Anyways, I'm done now. I tired I have to work Memorial weekend on Seafood night, so those bottom barrel cunt asses are going to be out in full force. Night all.
(edit) I realize that i may have ended this a bit abruptly but I can't think about it anymore, it makes me sad and until his funeral is over the wound is still going to be a little more than tender. Also after reading it, it makes it seem like that i didn't know Jason hardly at all. No, I have worked in the Steak House a lot in the year that I have been there, and Jason was usually there too, and it kind of kills that I won't see his name on the white board ever again, I used to look for it because he was the best out of them.
He was one of the first to make me feel welcome, he was the first to help me stand up for myself in there, he was the only one to rub my back and say "good job tonight", and knowing a man like that is gone and he won't be making anymore "crack-coffee" makes me wanna sob.
That's all, I'm really going to bed now. (edit)