Feeling
I figure I would update here since no one uses this anymore. I have had this horrible, gut wrenching feeling the past couple of days. I think I know why I have been feeling this way and it has given me time to reflect. First, I have/had been seeing a girl this summer and it actually made me want to get into a relationship again. I was happy again, not the fake happy that I thought was real. We spent a lot of time together. However, starting last week her demeanor has changed and I told her that I would give her time because that is what she said she needed. I told her that I was here for here no matter what and told her that I cared for her. Starting yesterday she has seemingly cut off all communication with me. I think that I am making this much bigger in my head then it actually is. I have come to realize that I have severe trust issues that go back to high school, from what I can remember, and maybe further. I never really felt that I could confide in my family because they always turned that on me some how and I got hurt a lot. In college I started dating someone and I became more trusting as a result. This was the first time I was truly happy that I could recall. However, this trust was also betrayed when she informed me that she hadn't really had feelings for me for roughly 2 years. I was absolutely gutted by this.
This comes to today. I feel like I may run people off because I want the truth so much and I fear that this is what happened with this girl. I have also come to start thinking that I am not meant to be happy. Whenever I am it is grabbed away from me faster than it took me to achieve this. I try my best to not think this way but looking back on this semester and the past couple of years there has never been a time where I was allowed to be happy for more than a couple of weeks. I believe a lot of this comes from my trust issues, maybe they aren't. Maybe this feeling has to do with my birthday. Every year something happens on my birthday that just makes me so depressed that I do not want to leave me room, or I want to drive somewhere where I can be alone.
I also just realized that I am posting this on a dead site because I just do not trust people enough to tell them how I truly feel. I hope that one day I find happiness. The happiness that I used to know and that I miss.
This comes to today. I feel like I may run people off because I want the truth so much and I fear that this is what happened with this girl. I have also come to start thinking that I am not meant to be happy. Whenever I am it is grabbed away from me faster than it took me to achieve this. I try my best to not think this way but looking back on this semester and the past couple of years there has never been a time where I was allowed to be happy for more than a couple of weeks. I believe a lot of this comes from my trust issues, maybe they aren't. Maybe this feeling has to do with my birthday. Every year something happens on my birthday that just makes me so depressed that I do not want to leave me room, or I want to drive somewhere where I can be alone.
I also just realized that I am posting this on a dead site because I just do not trust people enough to tell them how I truly feel. I hope that one day I find happiness. The happiness that I used to know and that I miss.