Fanfic: Why Won't You? [3-8/?]
Title: Why Won't You?
Author: freakingdork
Rating: FRT-FRM
Characters: Morgan/Reid
Word Count: 7751
Summary: "There is no shame in not knowing; the shame lies in not finding out." Reid swore Morgan had feelings for him, but a simple statement has him doubting. Tag to Exit Wounds and multiple season 6 episodes.
A/N: This is some of my earlier writing. As such, I feel like there's things I got wrong. Mostly chapter 5 and Hotch's characterization in that chapter. Feel free to skip it, it really doesn't advance the plot anyway.
*****
Chapter 3 - Baby I'm Bad News
He caught Morgan staring at his mouth yet again, which almost instinctually launched him into a nervous "lecture" regarding his behavior over the past few months, making sure to highlight the reasons he was doubting his conclusions. Spencer wasn't entirely sure where he was going with it, but he knew if he didn't say anything, he might start crying instead. Rambling came more naturally and seemed far less embarrassing.
And then, his brain stopped working.
He'd made out with other people before - mostly guys - but there were only a couple that came within the range of that good. As in, good enough that the endless supply of facts and statistics came to a screeching halt, even if only for a second. Apparently, Derek was that good.
There was nothing insecure or patient about the way Derek kissed him. No, the unbridled passion that bruised his lips told him just how hard Derek had struggled to contain his lust. Spencer's lips quickly complied with the demands of Derek's tongue and he moaned as the tongue slithered in and out of his mouth. The taste was sweet and spicy and far better than he'd imagined. He confidently ran his hands across Derek's chest and Derek broke the kiss just long enough to remove his shirt. Spencer's fingertips delicately glided over the exposed skin, circling his nipples and Derek gasped, shivering ever so slightly.
One of Derek's hand threaded itself in Spencer's hair then tugged violently, making his neck easier to access. As Derek's tongue ran the length of his neck, Spencer practically purred in delight. Suddenly, he felt the shock of Derek biting down, hard, near his ear.'Does he want me to end up stuttering in the break room when the others inevitably tease me about having a hickey?' he wondered. That question kept him from realizing that Derek had slammed up against a wall until the pain finally caught up with his brain. He'd definitely fantasized about it before, but it hurt more than he expected. 'Did he mean to push me that hard or...?'
He didn't have time to finish that thought as Derek's needy fingers unbuttoned his sweater and partially undid the bottom of his shirt. Sturdy hands grabbed his hips and he watched as Derek kneeled in front of him. He felt Derek's tongue grazing his stomach, the skin burning from the touch. He moaned loudly as Morgan moved lower. His belt was being unbuckled and his pants easily fell to the floor.
His mind went into hyper drive. Everything was moving too fast. The roughness coming from someone who was usually his protector startled and frightened him. He needed to slow down, maybe even stop, but he was finding it rather difficult with Derek teasing multiple erogenous zones.
"Derek," he panted.
'Shit. That didn't come out right.'
Derek looked encouraged by his exclamation. He ran his tongue up Spencer's inner thigh, stopping very close to his underwear.
"Mmm...tasty," Derek growled as he nipped at the delicate skin.
"Morgan," he whined, trying to get his attention. "Please, I..."
Derek's hands slipped between the fabric and skin, tracing lines along Spencer's hips. He squeezed his eyes shut and balled his fists.
"No, I...hold on Morgan. Stop. Stop!"
He felt Derek's eyes on him and his hands left Spencer's body. When Spencer opened his eyes, he saw a face full of fear and shock.
"I just wanted..." he started, but Derek was already standing, quickly backing away; he looked horrified. As Spencer shuffled towards him, pants still around his ankles, Morgan grabbed his keys and left, apparently forgetting that he was shirtless.
'Double shit.'
***
Looking up at Spencer, he saw eyes clenched shut in fear and hands balled in pain. 'Isn't that what Carl saw when he abused you?' his mind taunted.
One in eight abuse victims become abusers - he knew that handy little fact, thanks to Spencer himself. He knew that occasionally his anger got the better of him and that he had a tendency towards being aggressive in the bedroom. For the most part, he was able to keep himself from doing anything he'd regret later and of the things he did regret, they generally involved regretting that he had to repair yet another hole in the walls of his house. Knowing this didn't stop him from constantly worrying that he would eventually hurt someone as badly as he'd been hurt himself.
And here was his worst fear, coming to life before his own eyes.
The numbness spread over his body as everything began to feel foreign and hazy. He realized his autopilot was still rather intact when he found himself at home. Sure, he kinda remembered leaving, but he wasn't sure if he'd said anything, and hell, he was shirtless. Still, those things didn't seem quite as important as getting home safely, so he didn't put too much thought to it.
He moved through his house in a fog, feeling thoroughly haunted by Spencer's fearful expression. After putting Clooney outside, he got in the shower. He kept adjusting the water temperature until it was nearly scalding his skin. It didn't matter that he already knew he'd never be able to wash away the past - he still scrubbed until his skin felt raw and the water turned cold.
Nothing really registered that night. He put on ESPN, but the announcers sounded muddy and far off. He hadn't slept for more than four hours before he was completely awake again, but that didn't stop him from laying in bed for most of the day. He didn't eat. He let phone calls go to voicemail and only called back when the other person was worried and wasn't Spencer; he lost track of how many times Spencer tried to reach him. Clooney had tried to snuggle up next to him a few times, but he pushed the dog away. He couldn't stand even that much contact.
Logically, he knew he was dissociating and potentially heading towards far more self-destructive behaviors.
Then he realized he was desperately hoping for JJ to call to inform him of a new case. A new case meant adrenaline and adrenaline meant focus. He didn't need to be self-destructive; he needed adrenaline. Since there was no call, he went to the gym for what was left of Saturday and almost all of Sunday. He knew he was pushing his body past its limits and that, if they were called in for a case, it could wind up putting him and the others in danger, but he couldn't stop. Every muscle ached and he didn't care - he finally felt hungry and actually slept Sunday night.
He woke up feeling that, assuming Spencer was willing, he was ready to talk. When he arrived at the Bureau, JJ told him to get into the conference room for a briefing. Everyone was there, except for Spencer. It made him nervous. 'What if I really fucked things up? Oh god, I must have...'
JJ interrupted his thoughts. "Well, I guess we can brief Spence on the plane," she offered before starting her presentation on the upcoming case.
*****
Chapter 4 - Awaken Your Anxieties
Standing as still as possible, he listened to Derek drive away and he continued standing for far longer than he should have, straining to hear if he'd come back. Eventually, Spencer stepped out of his pants, changed into his pajamas, and laid down on the couch, hoping a knock on the door would wake him.
Sleep eluded him. Guilt kept rearing its ugly head every time he got close, even though his rational mind knew that neither he nor Derek was at fault. They both had ghosts from the pasts that had interfered with the present - nothing more, nothing less. Unfortunately, rational thought didn't keep his eidetic memory from replaying every moment.
When Friday finally turned into Saturday, Spencer willed himself off the couch after only a few hours of sleep and started cleaning. He'd stopped 11 times during a 5 hour period to call Derek, but each time Derek didn't pick up, a new cycle of guilt started and the cleaning became more frenzied. In the back of his mind, Spencer hoped that if he cleaned hard enough, his body and mind would settle down. He wanted read a few newly released government reports and a couple of the books he'd picked up last week, but as the day went on, it became apparent that wasn't going to happen. He considered taking the Metro to sit outside Derek's door until he was let in, but he did something far more foolish instead.
He cut his hair.
There was no logical reason behind what he did. He wasn't even quite sure how it even happened. There were scissors and then the scissors were in his hands and then a large portion of his hair was on the his bathroom floor. When he looked in the mirror and saw his jagged handiwork, Spencer panicked and called the one person he thought might be able to help.
"Hey sweet cheeks, whatcha doin' calling me at home? You know any calls after hours cost more..." she joked.
The words came tumbling out. "Garcia, I...well, you know...I just...umm, I did something stupid."
"What kind of stupid are we talking about?" she smirked. "Cuz there's every day stupid and there's 'I'm usually such a genius' stupid."
"I may have tried to cut my hair and it might look like a 5 year old did it?" he confessed.
She laughed sympathetically. "Sounds like every day stupid to me."
"Try not to sound so smug," he laughed. "Besides, regardless of what type it is, it's stupid that needs to be fixed."
"Oh, silly me... Lemme get you the address for my friend Tony's place. He's fabulous...and into nerdy guys." He could practically hear her wink.
"Garcia!" he protested. "How many times do I have to tell you that I don't want help with that?"
"Just sayin...you could use some lovin, baby boy." He bit his tongue. Now was definitely not the time to divulge the other rash decision he'd recently made.
Address in one hand and coffee in the other, Spencer made his way downtown, ready for a professional to fix the mess he'd created. Thankfully, it wasn't too far; he was embarrassed enough as it was without the multitude of strangers staring at him. The shop was small and a bit off the beaten path, but it was well-kept and there were plenty of customers waiting. When Tony came over to greet him, Spencer had a hard time keeping his eyes from wandering. The man was undeniably his type - a muscular build with full lips that sported a friendly smile. To top it off, Tony's emerald eyes were strikingly handsome and full of expression.
"Oh hunny, when Penelope called and said it wasn't going to be good...well, I didn't expect it to be this bad." He felt Tony's eyes look him over. "Don't worry, I know just the fix," Tony bragged. "I'll make it so that you'll be catching the eyes of every pretty girl who walks by you." Spencer made a face and Tony amended, "Oh, darlin...all the boys were too busy watching your tight ass to notice your hair, but I'll give them something to look at...in case their eyes ever wander up to your face." A sly grin, along with the innuendo, made Spencer flush.
Tony winked. "Okay, time to work some magic pretty boy."
"P-please don't call me that," he stammered.
An inquisitive look came across his face, but rather than asking the question that came to mind, Tony focused on Spencer's hair. Spencer was thankful that it didn't take too long to get him cleaned up. The flirting made him feel cagey and the use of his nickname distressed him. 'Why did he have to call me pretty boy? Shit...did Garcia tell him to do that? Breathe, keep breathing...it could be a coincidence, right? Right?'
"There, perfect! Do you think your boyfriend will like it?" Tony pried, gesturing to the very apparent bruise under his left ear. Spencer's hand shot up to cover it and his pupils dilated. "Ah, it is a boy. Very lucky man," Tony mused. "Well, you know where to find me if his luck ever runs out," he reminded Spencer as he left.
When Garcia called him an hour later, Spencer let it go to voicemail.
Sunday finally arrived and he could hardly sit still. He went for a walk that turned into a train ride and unsurprisingly he found himself sitting outside Derek's house. Spencer stayed for a few hours, but it was obvious he wasn't home - the truck was gone and Clooney kept barking with no one to command him to stop. 'I have to stay,' he tried to convince himself. 'If we don't talk, we'll be distracted and if we get a new case, that'll be dangerous.' But it started to get late and Clooney's incessant barking had the neighbors staring. He hated being in the spotlight and he'd spent far too much time being stuck in one over the past few days, so he went home, defeated.
He hadn't realized he was asleep until a buzzing noise startled the slumbering genius. He checked his phone and was greeted with a text asking "omg y didnt u tell me u were seeing some1?"
'Ugh Garcia...it's too early for this...although, what time is...OOOOH SHIT, why didn't my alarm go off? I don't even have time for coffee! DOUBLE SHIT.'
He raced against the clock, even though he knew there was no way he'd make it on time. Thankfully, taking the train meant he had time to apply some cover up to his hickey, so the only thing everyone seemed to notice was his hair. Unfortunately, by the time he arrived, the only seat open was right next to Derek who appeared to be ignoring that anything had happened between them.
'Fine, I can do that too,' he thought bitterly, despite knowing it wasn't entirely true. He could probably keep it together and pretend until the case ended, but after that, all bets were off.
*****
Chapter 5 - Your Secrets I Will Keep
He knew things were going to be different between the two men once the weekend was over, but this was not the direction he'd assumed it would have gone.
Aaron had seen Morgan clench his jaw, he could practically feel Reid's dejected look in his bones, and he caught glimpses of shock and subsequent denial on Morgan's face in response to Reid's reaction. He'd watched while they'd worked the case rather professionally given how they were feeling, though he did observe that Reid's personal "bubble" had grown considerably and then he'd sulked once on the plane. Aaron almost laughed when he saw Morgan hand over his keys - he seemed to have no clue as to how much power that "kid" had over him. He was positive they were going to spend the entire weekend fucking each other's brains out, though he wasn't sure he was entirely thrilled by the idea. More rule breaking with the possibility of shitty consequences he'd have to deal with later.
Then Monday came around and well, if he wasn't a damn good profiler, he could have missed it. Things were certainly different and not in a good way. Reid came in uncharacteristically late, so much so that Aaron had started to wonder if he needed to start calling hospitals or sending out SWAT teams to find him. Morgan looked like someone had beat the shit out of him, multiple times. Neither of them looked like they'd slept. He could swear there was a hint of cover up near Reid's left ear, which made the fact that Spencer had cut his hair even stranger.
"What? Did you join a boy band?" he quipped, trying to assess the situation further.
"...no?" Reid responded, clearly confused and distracted.
He observed Reid uncomfortably shift his chair towards him and away from Morgan. Morgan's chuckle sounded forced and his smile lasted too long, like he was trying too hard to get it right.
For fuck's sake, he was already dealing with Prentiss and Dave's shitty ass tiffs for going on 2 years now. And oh, sure, Garcia and Kevin were out in the open AND they weren't even on the same team, but that hadn't stopped their drama from making its way to his desk. Seriously, what did Garcia think would happen when she called dibs on Morgan while in Alaska? Because, as he knew he would, Kevin called him multiple times, looking to a profiler to tell him what he should already know - Garcia only had eyes for him, not Morgan.
He knew if this didn't resolve itself soon, it would up to him to set the problem straight while pretending there wasn't a problem in the first place. 'My fucking favorite,' he thought.
He sighed. He loved his team; they were his family and he would put his life on the line for any one of them. But holy mother of hell, if he could get his family to follow the goddamn fraternization rules, his life would be so much simpler. Simplicity was quite a luxury to wish for in his line of work, but there was no way in hell he was going to stop wishing for it. Besides, with all of them pairing up and attempting to keep it a secret from everyone else kinda made everything feel a little...incestuous. 'I mean, what normal family has this many members hooking up with one another?' he pondered.
"...and raped repeatedly."
'Fucking hell,' he realized. 'JJ's talking. Focus. Contribute.'
"He chose to keep her alive," he added.
Again, the boys were professional as ever while discussing the case, though he worried a fight might break out in the plane when Prentiss wouldn't give up her seat to Reid. She, of course, wanted to be seated next to Dave and Reid, of course, looked like he might have a breakdown if he had to sit next to Morgan again. 'I have to admit...if they can be this professional when they're obviously fighting, they might not be as much trouble once they make up.'
But without the case to discuss, it was obvious how trapped Reid felt in the jet. The stream of statistics pouring from his lips no longer had it's usual distinctive flow, a decent indicator that something was up. Reid even butted in on a conversation he was having with Dave about taking Jack to his first baseball game to ramble on about a paper he wrote on philosophy of Battlestar Galactica a few years back. 'Fucking Prentiss, shoving him off on us. I hope Dave at least gets some make-up sex for this one...one of us deserves to have something good come out of this.'
It was setting the entire team on edge, except for Morgan, who seemed entirely oblivious to everything around him and somehow managed to fall asleep. This was confusing to say the least. It's not that he doubted Reid's ability to cause trouble or fuck up, especially when it came to interpersonal relationships, but he'd always thought that Morgan would be the first to fuck up. Hell, there were far more ways for Morgan to fuck up than Reid and while he knew profiling wasn't an exact science, he felt strangely bothered by not getting this one right.
'Motherfucking shit ass day. Stupid sons of bitches fucking it up. Goddamnit, if those bastards don't man up soon, I just might fucking explode.'
He was grateful no one could hear his thoughts. As the plane landed, he took a couple of deep breaths and felt calm once again.
*****
Chapter 6 - Dark Side Of The Moon
He was at his wit's end.
'Maybe if Spencer hadn't spent the entire plane babbling about some philosophy concepts and how they relate to that show he's always trying to get me to watch, I could have actually slept rather than pretending. Maybe if Spencer hadn't randomly cut his hair short enough to reveal that poorly covered up bruise I left, I could be focus on the case instead of staring at his neck. Maybe if Spencer didn't keep standing behind me, I wouldn't be distracted by his breath on my neck. Maybe if...'
He pinched the bridge of his nose. 'No, it's more like...maybe if I didn't fuck everything up between Spencer and me, then maybe I wouldn't be so fuckin edgy.'
Nothing was going well. The interview with the boy that the unsub left alive went terribly, mostly because of Detective Spicer, who was reacting as if he had seen his own parents die. In fact, Spicer had seen them die, at the hands of the same unsub no less, but no one knew that it until Derek had the luck to pick up the file. Oh, and the unsub had been killing for at least 26 years.
'Can this case get any worse?' he wondered.
Then it did get worse. Spicer's sister, Kristen, and his daughter, Ellie, had been kidnapped by the unsub. After the entire city went dark and all the cell towers overloaded, Derek realized that the apartment they were rushing towards had no meaning to the unsub and they had driven to Spicer's childhood home instead. There was no back up, just them, and Spicer had gone in anyway.
That's how Derek ended up on the floor, bound with tape, blood flowing from a wound near his left temple, watching Spicer plead for his daughter's life. Apparently, he talked too much because the unsub suddenly kicked his ribs so hard that his whole mouth tasted of copper and his head was spinning. As his vision blurred and his brain struggled to stay conscious, he screamed at Spicer to pick up his gun, urging him to remember that the unsub hadn't killed kids. Spicer wasn't listening and had the audacity to ask Derek to promise that he'd keep Ellie safe. Derek knew Spicer would be dead the second he made the promise, but Kristen's wailing forced him to make it anyway. A single gunshot to the head and it was done.
"We will find you, you sick son of a bitch," he vowed.
"Is that another promise?" the unsub sneered as he yanked Ellie into the night.
***
He needed to focus on the case, but it was getting to be impossible.
Spencer knew better than to go so far off topic, yet he found himself rambling about things that no one really cared about. He knew Rossi and Hotch didn't want to hear a debate about free will versus determinism and, of course, Spicer had looked at him like he was an alien when he went on a tangent about moral concepts. He was distressed by how tired and sore Derek looked; it didn't take a genius to figure out that it was his fault. Every time he was in the same room as Derek, he used all his willpower resisting the urge to bridge the gap between them, if only because Spencer desperately wanted to comfort him.
His heart seized up and he felt incredibly light-headed when JJ informed him that Derek had been restrained and beaten by the unsub. The words she said afterwards about Spicer and his family didn't register until they were in the car. He wanted to scream at JJ for not driving faster; he needed to see that Derek was actually alive for himself.
They arrived just as the medic left and he repressed his urge to roll his eyes. 'Oh goodie, he's refusing medical treatment...big surprise there...'
"...Derek," JJ said, full of concern.
"I'm alright," Derek replied harshly.
Trying to keep the fear from his voice, he pointed out, "You don't look alright."
Rage filled Derek's eyes. "Reid, drop it!"
"Sorry..." Spencer whispered, before swallowing hard and walking away.
He knew the anger wasn't fully meant for him, but it didn't hurt any less and the pain in Derek's eyes was unbearable. Then Morgan stormed off anyway after a well-meaning question about Ellie. At the station, he incurred Derek's wrath again by forgetting how personally involved the other man was. 'Or the unsub might kill Ellie because almost half of abducted kids are killed in the first hour, that's a great thing to imply, good job genuis...' he berated himself. When he heard Derek yelling at Garcia, he couldn't help but wonder how much of Derek's reaction was his fault. 'Well, I'm certainly not making the situation any better.'
***
"Morgan, Reid - go check out the RV," he instructed.
Aaron knew he might be making a terrible decision, but it was the choice he would have made prior to whatever had occurred over the weekend. He knew Morgan would insist on seeing the trailer no matter what and he needed Reid in there if the unsub had journals or really...anything else that needed to be read. It didn't make sense to send anyone else.
Both men had tensed, but Reid immediately walked over to the vehicle and eventually, Morgan trailed behind him.
***
"It smells pretty rancid in here," Spencer warned.
Looking at the floor, he gestured to Derek, "He cut her hair."
The rage was palpable. "I swear to god, when I get my hands on this son of a..."
"That might actually be good," he interrupted, looking up. The distraught face staring back at him almost stopped his brain entirely. "Why disguise someone you're going to kill?" he reasoned.
Pain still radiated from Derek's eyes, but there was an unmistakable glimmer of hope too. Derek had stepped closer to examine the article Spencer found and his heart skipped a beat. As Derek started to leave to inform the rest of the team what they'd found, he grabbed his wrist.
"We need to talk."
"Now is the worst possible..."
"I know, I'm not saying now. Promise me that when we find Ellie and get home, we'll talk," he pleaded.
Derek sighed. "Kid, I'm pretty sure I couldn't say no to you even if I wanted to. Now, finish reading anything you can find in here."
He hurried through the stacks of newspapers, looking for something, anything that they could use to find Ellie. Then he found what he hoped would be a jackpot - a hint that the unsub's first murder might have been earlier than they'd originally thought. Hotch left him with the task of calling Garcia, which he dreaded. Thankfully, she stayed focused on the case and, of course, Derek. He was overjoyed when Prentiss came back with an idea on how to contact the unsub, but he was pretty sure everyone's stomachs flipped in unison when JJ told the unsub she didn't relate to him.
Somehow, her speech worked. The unsub let Ellie go and holed up in a house with hostages.
He heard the disagreement between Hotch and Derek about whether or not Derek should go in. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Emily look over her shoulder, but he knew that in order to concentrate, he needed to stare at the house. 'For all the times Derek yelled at me for putting myself in harm's way...' he brooded, as Derek ran into the house. He was concentrating so hard that it became difficult to tell how much time had passed and it was causing him to imagine the worst.
A gunshot rang out and he ran towards the house without a second thought. Eight more shots and he was sure his heart was on the verge of stopping completely. Just as they reached the door, Derek walked out without any new injuries. He knew the only reason he resisted the overwhelming instinct to grab Derek and never let him go was because he was in work mode. 'Finish the case and then you can go home and work things out with Derek,' he reminded himself.
***
He was decently sure that things had calmed down.
The two agents most drained by the case, Morgan and JJ, were asleep. Prentiss appeared to be over her latest "groupie jealousy" incident, as she and Dave were quietly joking about something he'd probably rather not know about. Reid was in the back, absorbed in a new book. If it were one of his usual books, Aaron could have able to read his mood, but a new book could mean just about anything. He needed to be sure. Walking over to Reid, he sat down.
Reid looked up, somewhat confused. "Sir?"
"I was just wondering if you wanted a ride home tonight."
"Oh, no," Reid blushed slightly. "I think Morgan and I are going to watch a movie or something."
"Sounds like a good way to unwind. Let me know if he decides he's too tired. You know it's not out of my way to take you home."
Reid nods. "Thanks Hotch, I'm sure I'll be fine."
He moved back to his seat, a hint of a grin slipping onto his otherwise stoic face.
*****
Chapter 7 - Baby Is A Bad Boy
He was enjoying yet another silent car ride with Spencer, but at least this time he was driving. In its own way, it was a comfortable silence, as if they both knew there was no need for them to get into an accident because one of them brought up the current state of...whatever was happening between them. When they finally arrived at Spencer's apartment, he headed to the kitchen to brew a pot of coffee, leaving Derek alone in the living room. He sat in an armchair, trying his best to figure out what the hell he was going to say and he was coming up with nothing. Spencer finally entered the room with two mugs of the hot liquid and handed one to Derek before sitting on the couch. The silence engulfed them, becoming far more uncomfortable as each second passed. Derek feared being the first to talk, but he knew he needed an answer to a fairly simple question.
"Do you hate me?"
"What?" A puzzled look came across Spencer's face before he shook his head. "No."
He closed his eyes. "I'm sorry. I should have known better than to go that fast and then you looked so...afraid. I hurt you and that scared me because one in eig..."
"Individuals observe cues within interactions," Spencer interrupted, his voice gaining speed with each word, "and then interpret those cues through the lens of their existing knowledge and because people use impressions they have of a person to infer implications regarding the information they have received, they..."
"Spencer," he gently prompted, waiting for an explanation.
"Sorry, umm...you saw the look on my face and assumed the worst because of your own experiences and especially because you view me as young and vulnerable. Derek, I might be...nervous about some things, but I'm not weak and you aren't a terrible person for getting caught up in the moment. I know you didn't mean to startle me...the look on your face told me so. Besides, I was far more scared that you'd never speak to me again."
He just hung his head. "It really is my worst fear that I'll..."
"Don't. Don't do this to yourself. Stop beating yourself up like you obviously intended to do at the gym this weekend. You stopped when I asked. You aren't him, not even close. You're a good man," Spencer comforted. "Come here," he requested, patting the couch.
He followed Spencer's instruction, but sat on the opposite end of the couch. Spencer immediately closed the space between them and rested his head on Derek's chest. "I've never felt safer than when you hold me," Spencer revealed and Derek's guilt slowly began dissipating. They stayed that way for awhile with Spencer was nuzzling him and he knew it was supposed to be comforting, but he still couldn't quite relax. When it didn't have the desired effect, he felt Spencer take a few deep breaths, before sitting up, and looking him in the eye.
"Okay, turn around."
He instantly tensed. "Umm, what?"
"Derek, you're obviously stressed and sore and apparently, I have magical fingers."
He hesitated, weighing the options. "Well...I guess a back rub does sound nice," he shrugged, turning his back to Spencer.
"Ahhh...and t-take off your shirt too?" Spencer squeaked. "It's just...well, it's easier that way."
'...god, I wonder if he knows how adorable it is when he does that?'
"I suppose you know what's best," he chuckled and pulled his shirt over his head. He heard Spencer snap open a bottle and rub his hands together. The lotion was still cold when Spencer applied it, but it warmed with each stroke. 'Whoever told this kid he has magic fingers wasn't kidding,' he mused. His breathing slowed as Spencer worked out each knot. With all the physical and emotional stress he'd dealt with over the past few days, it felt good to unwind and being touched in such a caring way was a luxury. He hadn't realized how much he'd needed this.
Spencer's hands moved up across Derek's shoulders and over to his biceps, rubbing the aching muscles there too. Warm breath lit upon his neck, reminding him of how closer Spencer was. Graceful fingers drifted down to his sides and then around to his abs, stroking them lightly, careful of the bruises. He leaned back into the touch as Spencer planted kisses along his neck, lightly nipping at his jaw.
"May I?" Spencer murmured, reaching for Derek's belt.
"Oh god yeah...I mean..."
"Trust me, I want to," Spencer purred.
With his belt and pants undone, Spencer reached inside, brushing his hand against Derek's eager cock. Derek inhaled sharply.
"Pretty Boy, you are...amazing."
"Mmmm...you're pretty impressive yourself," Spencer muttered, nibbling his ear and making his cock twitch.
Spencer grasped his shoulders and gently turned him so his back was against the couch again. He looked at Spencer with curious eyes, but Spencer just knelt in front of him and gave a gentle tug on Derek's pants and underwear.
"Please?" Spencer asked, his voice a perfect mix of needy and innocent.
"I, uh...if you do, I think you'll be a little over-dressed," he teased.
A befuddled look stared up at him, so he caressed Spencer's shirt as an explanation. A nervous grin came across the Spencers's face and a faint blush spread to his ears, but even with his hands slightly shaking, he nimbly removed his tie, cardigan, and shirt. 'Did I got too far?' Derek worried. As quickly as the skittish behavior appeared, it evaporated when Spencer tugged at his pants again, so he lifted his hips and the rest of his clothing was swiftly removed.
A hand firmly gripped his cock, causing him to gasp slightly. He watched as Spencer bit his lower lip before he tentatively licked the entire length and gently sucked on the head. The sight of those licentious lips wrapped around his erection was almost more than he could bear and he groaned emphatically. Then those innocent brown eyes peered up at him from behind long lashes and he thought he might lose it right in that moment. Spencer started out cautiously taking in his length, almost timid in a way, and yet his tongue massaged the sensitive underside like an expert. He brought one hand up, carefully gripping Spencer's hair. Spencer hummed in delight and the vibrations shot waves of pleasure through him.
'I hope he knows I'm going to make him grow his hair out again.'
Spencer picked up the pace and out of nowhere, Spencer raked his fingernails from his knee to his inner thigh and he knew he was losing control.
"Oh god baby...don't stop, so close..."
Spencer pulled up, letting go of his cock with a loud, slick pop. "Did you know that the term 'blow job' comes from Victorian times when 'blow' was slang for ejaculation and 'blowsy' was..."
"Reid!" he hissed in his most authoritative voice.
Spencer just smirked and swirled his tongue around the tip before deep throating his cock. 'Wha...?' When he felt his balls being gently massaged, he knew he wasn't going to last much longer.
"Fuck, fuck, Spencer, I..." he cried, cumming hard against the back of Spencer's throat.
Spencer gazed at him with lustful eyes, swallowed seductively, and lapped up the cum he hadn't quite managed to swallow the first time.
'...if I hadn't just...holy shit...how the fuck is...?'
"How...I mean, you're..." his brain attempted.
"Good? Giving oral is one of the few things I've done before."
"C'mere," he requested.
There was a hint of hesitation, but then Spencer straddled Derek and leaned in, pressing his own erection against Derek's groin and teasing the edges of Derek's ear with his teeth. "Yes?"
"You're more than good."
*****
Chapter 8 - All That's Left Are The Sticks And Stones
"You're more than good," Derek answered, low and husky, before drawing him into a slow-burning kiss that quelled the fears he'd felt rising up inside. He wrapped his arms around Derek's neck as Derek's hands glided over his bare chest and back, finally settling on his hips. Derek deepened the kiss, putting him into a trance that quickly broke when Derek reached for his belt. Despite himself, he flinched and Derek immediately pulled away.
'...here I am with a man I literally trust with my life...doing things I've been fantasizing about for years and yet...'
"Look at me," Derek instructed. When he did, Derek's concerned eyes made him wince. "Are you okay Spencer? I know you said you're not upset with me, but it's alright if..."
"No! It has nothing to do with the other night or even just you." He rolled off the other man's lap, his eyes on the floor. "I'm not exactly used to people wanting to touch me."
Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of Derek's flabbergasted face. "Really?" Derek asked, "I mean, you just said you had...practice and I can't understand how someone could resist the urge to touch you after...or really...even before..."
He shrugged. "It's to be expected when you find yourself being sexual almost exclusively with 'straight' men." He felt more than saw Derek flinch. "They were more than willing to let me touch them, but they generally didn't want to touch me back. Well, that and they wanted to do anal without a condom because apparently a condom signals that you're doing it on purpose and therefore, gay. I may have been young and naïve, but thankfully I didn't make that mistake."
Derek was silent for a moment, the wheels in his head obviously turning. "Generally. So what happened when they did touch you?"
'...yeah, he would look past the rambling and notice that slip up...shit...'
He cleared his throat and licked his lips. "It doesn't matter," he lied.
"If that's true, why do you keep pulling away from me?"
"Because I...it was...oh fine," he sighed, unable to come up with an alternative explanation that made any sense at all. "When I was at Caltech, I tutored undergrads for extra cash...it's how I met a lot of the guys actually...they were closer to my age and I didn't have to go to a bar or anything. Anyway, just before I graduated, one of them confessed that he might be gay and umm...had heard I was, which wasn't technically true, but close enough I guess...either way, he wanted to test his theory." He paused, trying to find the right words. "I suppose me cumming in his mouth triggered his internalized homophobia and ahh...I'd been beaten up far worse before, so it wasn't too bad."
"Spencer, I..."
"It's okay." He saw doubt in Derek's eyes. "I'm a lot less jumpy than I used to be. And it's not that I think you're going to hurt me or that I don't trust you or that I don't want this...my body just has this annoying tendency to react in ways that are inconsistent with what I want. I guess I'm still not used to being desired because of how often it was used to trick me."
Derek's hand covered his and he fought the urge to pull away.
"Look, I might joke around a lot, but I'm serious when I say this...I want you and I want to make you feel good. If that means going slow and being gentle until you're comfortable with more, then that's what I'll do. But Spencer, you have to help by telling me what's okay and what's too much to handle. I need you to know you can always say no and I won't be mad or think less of you, okay?"
He bit the inside of his check. "Okay."
"I'd like to touch you now. May I?"
He nodded and Derek moved closer to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder, pulling him to his chest. The familiar position caused his muscles to relax and his breathing to slow. He became vaguely aware that Derek's other hand was lightly brushing his hair, then his cheek, then his jawline before it carefully tilted his chin up. A chaste kiss graced his lips, full of understanding and comfort. He's the one to deepen the kiss, to bring a hand up to the nape of Derek's neck, to press his tongue against the seal of Derek's lips.
Derek's hands slid to his hips and he let himself be guided back into Derek's lap. His lips felt an absence as Derek's mouth moved to his ear, licking, nibbling, whispering reassurances. Cautious fingertips grazed his nipples, eliciting a quiet moan, his back arching slightly, and as Derek gently pinched his right nipple, a jolt of pleasure swept through his body, causing him to roll his hips. A few times, Derek's hands traveled farther south, touching his thighs or his belt, but always found a way to be back on his nipples before his brain reacted negatively.
'...classical conditioning...or is it operant...? oh who frakkin cares...'
It still surprised him when Derek touched his belt and he thrust into the touch. The smile on Derek's face was intoxicating, and even though he wasn't entirely sure of himself, he started unbuckling his belt and let Derek help him out of the rest of his clothes. "God, Spencer, you're gorgeous," Derek had said before reaching between them to lazily stroke his erection. He whimpered, burying his face into Derek's neck, his hips bucking in time with Derek's movements. With all the buildup, it didn't take long for him to come, gasping Derek's name. He felt Derek prop him up with one hand, obviously intent on making sure that Spencer saw him licking the cum off his hand.
He sighed sleepily, content. "I'm really tired," he said, even though it was rather apparent.
"Okay, would you like me to stay?" Derek asked. "I mean, I can just stay on the couch in case you need something in the night."
"Stay here a minute," he requested, getting up and going into his bedroom. Spencer quickly cleaned up, changed into some sweat pants, grabbed a pair Derek left the last time, and returned, holding them out, his eyes avoiding Derek's naked body.
"Thanks man," Derek said, putting them on before Spencer grabbed his wrist and led him into the bedroom. "No, thank you," he finally responded.
Derek kissed his forehead. "Let's get some rest."
When he fell asleep, he was nestled as tightly as humanly possible to Derek's chest.
Author: freakingdork
Rating: FRT-FRM
Characters: Morgan/Reid
Word Count: 7751
Summary: "There is no shame in not knowing; the shame lies in not finding out." Reid swore Morgan had feelings for him, but a simple statement has him doubting. Tag to Exit Wounds and multiple season 6 episodes.
A/N: This is some of my earlier writing. As such, I feel like there's things I got wrong. Mostly chapter 5 and Hotch's characterization in that chapter. Feel free to skip it, it really doesn't advance the plot anyway.
*****
Chapter 3 - Baby I'm Bad News
He caught Morgan staring at his mouth yet again, which almost instinctually launched him into a nervous "lecture" regarding his behavior over the past few months, making sure to highlight the reasons he was doubting his conclusions. Spencer wasn't entirely sure where he was going with it, but he knew if he didn't say anything, he might start crying instead. Rambling came more naturally and seemed far less embarrassing.
And then, his brain stopped working.
He'd made out with other people before - mostly guys - but there were only a couple that came within the range of that good. As in, good enough that the endless supply of facts and statistics came to a screeching halt, even if only for a second. Apparently, Derek was that good.
There was nothing insecure or patient about the way Derek kissed him. No, the unbridled passion that bruised his lips told him just how hard Derek had struggled to contain his lust. Spencer's lips quickly complied with the demands of Derek's tongue and he moaned as the tongue slithered in and out of his mouth. The taste was sweet and spicy and far better than he'd imagined. He confidently ran his hands across Derek's chest and Derek broke the kiss just long enough to remove his shirt. Spencer's fingertips delicately glided over the exposed skin, circling his nipples and Derek gasped, shivering ever so slightly.
One of Derek's hand threaded itself in Spencer's hair then tugged violently, making his neck easier to access. As Derek's tongue ran the length of his neck, Spencer practically purred in delight. Suddenly, he felt the shock of Derek biting down, hard, near his ear.'Does he want me to end up stuttering in the break room when the others inevitably tease me about having a hickey?' he wondered. That question kept him from realizing that Derek had slammed up against a wall until the pain finally caught up with his brain. He'd definitely fantasized about it before, but it hurt more than he expected. 'Did he mean to push me that hard or...?'
He didn't have time to finish that thought as Derek's needy fingers unbuttoned his sweater and partially undid the bottom of his shirt. Sturdy hands grabbed his hips and he watched as Derek kneeled in front of him. He felt Derek's tongue grazing his stomach, the skin burning from the touch. He moaned loudly as Morgan moved lower. His belt was being unbuckled and his pants easily fell to the floor.
His mind went into hyper drive. Everything was moving too fast. The roughness coming from someone who was usually his protector startled and frightened him. He needed to slow down, maybe even stop, but he was finding it rather difficult with Derek teasing multiple erogenous zones.
"Derek," he panted.
'Shit. That didn't come out right.'
Derek looked encouraged by his exclamation. He ran his tongue up Spencer's inner thigh, stopping very close to his underwear.
"Mmm...tasty," Derek growled as he nipped at the delicate skin.
"Morgan," he whined, trying to get his attention. "Please, I..."
Derek's hands slipped between the fabric and skin, tracing lines along Spencer's hips. He squeezed his eyes shut and balled his fists.
"No, I...hold on Morgan. Stop. Stop!"
He felt Derek's eyes on him and his hands left Spencer's body. When Spencer opened his eyes, he saw a face full of fear and shock.
"I just wanted..." he started, but Derek was already standing, quickly backing away; he looked horrified. As Spencer shuffled towards him, pants still around his ankles, Morgan grabbed his keys and left, apparently forgetting that he was shirtless.
'Double shit.'
***
Looking up at Spencer, he saw eyes clenched shut in fear and hands balled in pain. 'Isn't that what Carl saw when he abused you?' his mind taunted.
One in eight abuse victims become abusers - he knew that handy little fact, thanks to Spencer himself. He knew that occasionally his anger got the better of him and that he had a tendency towards being aggressive in the bedroom. For the most part, he was able to keep himself from doing anything he'd regret later and of the things he did regret, they generally involved regretting that he had to repair yet another hole in the walls of his house. Knowing this didn't stop him from constantly worrying that he would eventually hurt someone as badly as he'd been hurt himself.
And here was his worst fear, coming to life before his own eyes.
The numbness spread over his body as everything began to feel foreign and hazy. He realized his autopilot was still rather intact when he found himself at home. Sure, he kinda remembered leaving, but he wasn't sure if he'd said anything, and hell, he was shirtless. Still, those things didn't seem quite as important as getting home safely, so he didn't put too much thought to it.
He moved through his house in a fog, feeling thoroughly haunted by Spencer's fearful expression. After putting Clooney outside, he got in the shower. He kept adjusting the water temperature until it was nearly scalding his skin. It didn't matter that he already knew he'd never be able to wash away the past - he still scrubbed until his skin felt raw and the water turned cold.
Nothing really registered that night. He put on ESPN, but the announcers sounded muddy and far off. He hadn't slept for more than four hours before he was completely awake again, but that didn't stop him from laying in bed for most of the day. He didn't eat. He let phone calls go to voicemail and only called back when the other person was worried and wasn't Spencer; he lost track of how many times Spencer tried to reach him. Clooney had tried to snuggle up next to him a few times, but he pushed the dog away. He couldn't stand even that much contact.
Logically, he knew he was dissociating and potentially heading towards far more self-destructive behaviors.
Then he realized he was desperately hoping for JJ to call to inform him of a new case. A new case meant adrenaline and adrenaline meant focus. He didn't need to be self-destructive; he needed adrenaline. Since there was no call, he went to the gym for what was left of Saturday and almost all of Sunday. He knew he was pushing his body past its limits and that, if they were called in for a case, it could wind up putting him and the others in danger, but he couldn't stop. Every muscle ached and he didn't care - he finally felt hungry and actually slept Sunday night.
He woke up feeling that, assuming Spencer was willing, he was ready to talk. When he arrived at the Bureau, JJ told him to get into the conference room for a briefing. Everyone was there, except for Spencer. It made him nervous. 'What if I really fucked things up? Oh god, I must have...'
JJ interrupted his thoughts. "Well, I guess we can brief Spence on the plane," she offered before starting her presentation on the upcoming case.
*****
Chapter 4 - Awaken Your Anxieties
Standing as still as possible, he listened to Derek drive away and he continued standing for far longer than he should have, straining to hear if he'd come back. Eventually, Spencer stepped out of his pants, changed into his pajamas, and laid down on the couch, hoping a knock on the door would wake him.
Sleep eluded him. Guilt kept rearing its ugly head every time he got close, even though his rational mind knew that neither he nor Derek was at fault. They both had ghosts from the pasts that had interfered with the present - nothing more, nothing less. Unfortunately, rational thought didn't keep his eidetic memory from replaying every moment.
When Friday finally turned into Saturday, Spencer willed himself off the couch after only a few hours of sleep and started cleaning. He'd stopped 11 times during a 5 hour period to call Derek, but each time Derek didn't pick up, a new cycle of guilt started and the cleaning became more frenzied. In the back of his mind, Spencer hoped that if he cleaned hard enough, his body and mind would settle down. He wanted read a few newly released government reports and a couple of the books he'd picked up last week, but as the day went on, it became apparent that wasn't going to happen. He considered taking the Metro to sit outside Derek's door until he was let in, but he did something far more foolish instead.
He cut his hair.
There was no logical reason behind what he did. He wasn't even quite sure how it even happened. There were scissors and then the scissors were in his hands and then a large portion of his hair was on the his bathroom floor. When he looked in the mirror and saw his jagged handiwork, Spencer panicked and called the one person he thought might be able to help.
"Hey sweet cheeks, whatcha doin' calling me at home? You know any calls after hours cost more..." she joked.
The words came tumbling out. "Garcia, I...well, you know...I just...umm, I did something stupid."
"What kind of stupid are we talking about?" she smirked. "Cuz there's every day stupid and there's 'I'm usually such a genius' stupid."
"I may have tried to cut my hair and it might look like a 5 year old did it?" he confessed.
She laughed sympathetically. "Sounds like every day stupid to me."
"Try not to sound so smug," he laughed. "Besides, regardless of what type it is, it's stupid that needs to be fixed."
"Oh, silly me... Lemme get you the address for my friend Tony's place. He's fabulous...and into nerdy guys." He could practically hear her wink.
"Garcia!" he protested. "How many times do I have to tell you that I don't want help with that?"
"Just sayin...you could use some lovin, baby boy." He bit his tongue. Now was definitely not the time to divulge the other rash decision he'd recently made.
Address in one hand and coffee in the other, Spencer made his way downtown, ready for a professional to fix the mess he'd created. Thankfully, it wasn't too far; he was embarrassed enough as it was without the multitude of strangers staring at him. The shop was small and a bit off the beaten path, but it was well-kept and there were plenty of customers waiting. When Tony came over to greet him, Spencer had a hard time keeping his eyes from wandering. The man was undeniably his type - a muscular build with full lips that sported a friendly smile. To top it off, Tony's emerald eyes were strikingly handsome and full of expression.
"Oh hunny, when Penelope called and said it wasn't going to be good...well, I didn't expect it to be this bad." He felt Tony's eyes look him over. "Don't worry, I know just the fix," Tony bragged. "I'll make it so that you'll be catching the eyes of every pretty girl who walks by you." Spencer made a face and Tony amended, "Oh, darlin...all the boys were too busy watching your tight ass to notice your hair, but I'll give them something to look at...in case their eyes ever wander up to your face." A sly grin, along with the innuendo, made Spencer flush.
Tony winked. "Okay, time to work some magic pretty boy."
"P-please don't call me that," he stammered.
An inquisitive look came across his face, but rather than asking the question that came to mind, Tony focused on Spencer's hair. Spencer was thankful that it didn't take too long to get him cleaned up. The flirting made him feel cagey and the use of his nickname distressed him. 'Why did he have to call me pretty boy? Shit...did Garcia tell him to do that? Breathe, keep breathing...it could be a coincidence, right? Right?'
"There, perfect! Do you think your boyfriend will like it?" Tony pried, gesturing to the very apparent bruise under his left ear. Spencer's hand shot up to cover it and his pupils dilated. "Ah, it is a boy. Very lucky man," Tony mused. "Well, you know where to find me if his luck ever runs out," he reminded Spencer as he left.
When Garcia called him an hour later, Spencer let it go to voicemail.
Sunday finally arrived and he could hardly sit still. He went for a walk that turned into a train ride and unsurprisingly he found himself sitting outside Derek's house. Spencer stayed for a few hours, but it was obvious he wasn't home - the truck was gone and Clooney kept barking with no one to command him to stop. 'I have to stay,' he tried to convince himself. 'If we don't talk, we'll be distracted and if we get a new case, that'll be dangerous.' But it started to get late and Clooney's incessant barking had the neighbors staring. He hated being in the spotlight and he'd spent far too much time being stuck in one over the past few days, so he went home, defeated.
He hadn't realized he was asleep until a buzzing noise startled the slumbering genius. He checked his phone and was greeted with a text asking "omg y didnt u tell me u were seeing some1?"
'Ugh Garcia...it's too early for this...although, what time is...OOOOH SHIT, why didn't my alarm go off? I don't even have time for coffee! DOUBLE SHIT.'
He raced against the clock, even though he knew there was no way he'd make it on time. Thankfully, taking the train meant he had time to apply some cover up to his hickey, so the only thing everyone seemed to notice was his hair. Unfortunately, by the time he arrived, the only seat open was right next to Derek who appeared to be ignoring that anything had happened between them.
'Fine, I can do that too,' he thought bitterly, despite knowing it wasn't entirely true. He could probably keep it together and pretend until the case ended, but after that, all bets were off.
*****
Chapter 5 - Your Secrets I Will Keep
He knew things were going to be different between the two men once the weekend was over, but this was not the direction he'd assumed it would have gone.
Aaron had seen Morgan clench his jaw, he could practically feel Reid's dejected look in his bones, and he caught glimpses of shock and subsequent denial on Morgan's face in response to Reid's reaction. He'd watched while they'd worked the case rather professionally given how they were feeling, though he did observe that Reid's personal "bubble" had grown considerably and then he'd sulked once on the plane. Aaron almost laughed when he saw Morgan hand over his keys - he seemed to have no clue as to how much power that "kid" had over him. He was positive they were going to spend the entire weekend fucking each other's brains out, though he wasn't sure he was entirely thrilled by the idea. More rule breaking with the possibility of shitty consequences he'd have to deal with later.
Then Monday came around and well, if he wasn't a damn good profiler, he could have missed it. Things were certainly different and not in a good way. Reid came in uncharacteristically late, so much so that Aaron had started to wonder if he needed to start calling hospitals or sending out SWAT teams to find him. Morgan looked like someone had beat the shit out of him, multiple times. Neither of them looked like they'd slept. He could swear there was a hint of cover up near Reid's left ear, which made the fact that Spencer had cut his hair even stranger.
"What? Did you join a boy band?" he quipped, trying to assess the situation further.
"...no?" Reid responded, clearly confused and distracted.
He observed Reid uncomfortably shift his chair towards him and away from Morgan. Morgan's chuckle sounded forced and his smile lasted too long, like he was trying too hard to get it right.
For fuck's sake, he was already dealing with Prentiss and Dave's shitty ass tiffs for going on 2 years now. And oh, sure, Garcia and Kevin were out in the open AND they weren't even on the same team, but that hadn't stopped their drama from making its way to his desk. Seriously, what did Garcia think would happen when she called dibs on Morgan while in Alaska? Because, as he knew he would, Kevin called him multiple times, looking to a profiler to tell him what he should already know - Garcia only had eyes for him, not Morgan.
He knew if this didn't resolve itself soon, it would up to him to set the problem straight while pretending there wasn't a problem in the first place. 'My fucking favorite,' he thought.
He sighed. He loved his team; they were his family and he would put his life on the line for any one of them. But holy mother of hell, if he could get his family to follow the goddamn fraternization rules, his life would be so much simpler. Simplicity was quite a luxury to wish for in his line of work, but there was no way in hell he was going to stop wishing for it. Besides, with all of them pairing up and attempting to keep it a secret from everyone else kinda made everything feel a little...incestuous. 'I mean, what normal family has this many members hooking up with one another?' he pondered.
"...and raped repeatedly."
'Fucking hell,' he realized. 'JJ's talking. Focus. Contribute.'
"He chose to keep her alive," he added.
Again, the boys were professional as ever while discussing the case, though he worried a fight might break out in the plane when Prentiss wouldn't give up her seat to Reid. She, of course, wanted to be seated next to Dave and Reid, of course, looked like he might have a breakdown if he had to sit next to Morgan again. 'I have to admit...if they can be this professional when they're obviously fighting, they might not be as much trouble once they make up.'
But without the case to discuss, it was obvious how trapped Reid felt in the jet. The stream of statistics pouring from his lips no longer had it's usual distinctive flow, a decent indicator that something was up. Reid even butted in on a conversation he was having with Dave about taking Jack to his first baseball game to ramble on about a paper he wrote on philosophy of Battlestar Galactica a few years back. 'Fucking Prentiss, shoving him off on us. I hope Dave at least gets some make-up sex for this one...one of us deserves to have something good come out of this.'
It was setting the entire team on edge, except for Morgan, who seemed entirely oblivious to everything around him and somehow managed to fall asleep. This was confusing to say the least. It's not that he doubted Reid's ability to cause trouble or fuck up, especially when it came to interpersonal relationships, but he'd always thought that Morgan would be the first to fuck up. Hell, there were far more ways for Morgan to fuck up than Reid and while he knew profiling wasn't an exact science, he felt strangely bothered by not getting this one right.
'Motherfucking shit ass day. Stupid sons of bitches fucking it up. Goddamnit, if those bastards don't man up soon, I just might fucking explode.'
He was grateful no one could hear his thoughts. As the plane landed, he took a couple of deep breaths and felt calm once again.
*****
Chapter 6 - Dark Side Of The Moon
He was at his wit's end.
'Maybe if Spencer hadn't spent the entire plane babbling about some philosophy concepts and how they relate to that show he's always trying to get me to watch, I could have actually slept rather than pretending. Maybe if Spencer hadn't randomly cut his hair short enough to reveal that poorly covered up bruise I left, I could be focus on the case instead of staring at his neck. Maybe if Spencer didn't keep standing behind me, I wouldn't be distracted by his breath on my neck. Maybe if...'
He pinched the bridge of his nose. 'No, it's more like...maybe if I didn't fuck everything up between Spencer and me, then maybe I wouldn't be so fuckin edgy.'
Nothing was going well. The interview with the boy that the unsub left alive went terribly, mostly because of Detective Spicer, who was reacting as if he had seen his own parents die. In fact, Spicer had seen them die, at the hands of the same unsub no less, but no one knew that it until Derek had the luck to pick up the file. Oh, and the unsub had been killing for at least 26 years.
'Can this case get any worse?' he wondered.
Then it did get worse. Spicer's sister, Kristen, and his daughter, Ellie, had been kidnapped by the unsub. After the entire city went dark and all the cell towers overloaded, Derek realized that the apartment they were rushing towards had no meaning to the unsub and they had driven to Spicer's childhood home instead. There was no back up, just them, and Spicer had gone in anyway.
That's how Derek ended up on the floor, bound with tape, blood flowing from a wound near his left temple, watching Spicer plead for his daughter's life. Apparently, he talked too much because the unsub suddenly kicked his ribs so hard that his whole mouth tasted of copper and his head was spinning. As his vision blurred and his brain struggled to stay conscious, he screamed at Spicer to pick up his gun, urging him to remember that the unsub hadn't killed kids. Spicer wasn't listening and had the audacity to ask Derek to promise that he'd keep Ellie safe. Derek knew Spicer would be dead the second he made the promise, but Kristen's wailing forced him to make it anyway. A single gunshot to the head and it was done.
"We will find you, you sick son of a bitch," he vowed.
"Is that another promise?" the unsub sneered as he yanked Ellie into the night.
***
He needed to focus on the case, but it was getting to be impossible.
Spencer knew better than to go so far off topic, yet he found himself rambling about things that no one really cared about. He knew Rossi and Hotch didn't want to hear a debate about free will versus determinism and, of course, Spicer had looked at him like he was an alien when he went on a tangent about moral concepts. He was distressed by how tired and sore Derek looked; it didn't take a genius to figure out that it was his fault. Every time he was in the same room as Derek, he used all his willpower resisting the urge to bridge the gap between them, if only because Spencer desperately wanted to comfort him.
His heart seized up and he felt incredibly light-headed when JJ informed him that Derek had been restrained and beaten by the unsub. The words she said afterwards about Spicer and his family didn't register until they were in the car. He wanted to scream at JJ for not driving faster; he needed to see that Derek was actually alive for himself.
They arrived just as the medic left and he repressed his urge to roll his eyes. 'Oh goodie, he's refusing medical treatment...big surprise there...'
"...Derek," JJ said, full of concern.
"I'm alright," Derek replied harshly.
Trying to keep the fear from his voice, he pointed out, "You don't look alright."
Rage filled Derek's eyes. "Reid, drop it!"
"Sorry..." Spencer whispered, before swallowing hard and walking away.
He knew the anger wasn't fully meant for him, but it didn't hurt any less and the pain in Derek's eyes was unbearable. Then Morgan stormed off anyway after a well-meaning question about Ellie. At the station, he incurred Derek's wrath again by forgetting how personally involved the other man was. 'Or the unsub might kill Ellie because almost half of abducted kids are killed in the first hour, that's a great thing to imply, good job genuis...' he berated himself. When he heard Derek yelling at Garcia, he couldn't help but wonder how much of Derek's reaction was his fault. 'Well, I'm certainly not making the situation any better.'
***
"Morgan, Reid - go check out the RV," he instructed.
Aaron knew he might be making a terrible decision, but it was the choice he would have made prior to whatever had occurred over the weekend. He knew Morgan would insist on seeing the trailer no matter what and he needed Reid in there if the unsub had journals or really...anything else that needed to be read. It didn't make sense to send anyone else.
Both men had tensed, but Reid immediately walked over to the vehicle and eventually, Morgan trailed behind him.
***
"It smells pretty rancid in here," Spencer warned.
Looking at the floor, he gestured to Derek, "He cut her hair."
The rage was palpable. "I swear to god, when I get my hands on this son of a..."
"That might actually be good," he interrupted, looking up. The distraught face staring back at him almost stopped his brain entirely. "Why disguise someone you're going to kill?" he reasoned.
Pain still radiated from Derek's eyes, but there was an unmistakable glimmer of hope too. Derek had stepped closer to examine the article Spencer found and his heart skipped a beat. As Derek started to leave to inform the rest of the team what they'd found, he grabbed his wrist.
"We need to talk."
"Now is the worst possible..."
"I know, I'm not saying now. Promise me that when we find Ellie and get home, we'll talk," he pleaded.
Derek sighed. "Kid, I'm pretty sure I couldn't say no to you even if I wanted to. Now, finish reading anything you can find in here."
He hurried through the stacks of newspapers, looking for something, anything that they could use to find Ellie. Then he found what he hoped would be a jackpot - a hint that the unsub's first murder might have been earlier than they'd originally thought. Hotch left him with the task of calling Garcia, which he dreaded. Thankfully, she stayed focused on the case and, of course, Derek. He was overjoyed when Prentiss came back with an idea on how to contact the unsub, but he was pretty sure everyone's stomachs flipped in unison when JJ told the unsub she didn't relate to him.
Somehow, her speech worked. The unsub let Ellie go and holed up in a house with hostages.
He heard the disagreement between Hotch and Derek about whether or not Derek should go in. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Emily look over her shoulder, but he knew that in order to concentrate, he needed to stare at the house. 'For all the times Derek yelled at me for putting myself in harm's way...' he brooded, as Derek ran into the house. He was concentrating so hard that it became difficult to tell how much time had passed and it was causing him to imagine the worst.
A gunshot rang out and he ran towards the house without a second thought. Eight more shots and he was sure his heart was on the verge of stopping completely. Just as they reached the door, Derek walked out without any new injuries. He knew the only reason he resisted the overwhelming instinct to grab Derek and never let him go was because he was in work mode. 'Finish the case and then you can go home and work things out with Derek,' he reminded himself.
***
He was decently sure that things had calmed down.
The two agents most drained by the case, Morgan and JJ, were asleep. Prentiss appeared to be over her latest "groupie jealousy" incident, as she and Dave were quietly joking about something he'd probably rather not know about. Reid was in the back, absorbed in a new book. If it were one of his usual books, Aaron could have able to read his mood, but a new book could mean just about anything. He needed to be sure. Walking over to Reid, he sat down.
Reid looked up, somewhat confused. "Sir?"
"I was just wondering if you wanted a ride home tonight."
"Oh, no," Reid blushed slightly. "I think Morgan and I are going to watch a movie or something."
"Sounds like a good way to unwind. Let me know if he decides he's too tired. You know it's not out of my way to take you home."
Reid nods. "Thanks Hotch, I'm sure I'll be fine."
He moved back to his seat, a hint of a grin slipping onto his otherwise stoic face.
*****
Chapter 7 - Baby Is A Bad Boy
He was enjoying yet another silent car ride with Spencer, but at least this time he was driving. In its own way, it was a comfortable silence, as if they both knew there was no need for them to get into an accident because one of them brought up the current state of...whatever was happening between them. When they finally arrived at Spencer's apartment, he headed to the kitchen to brew a pot of coffee, leaving Derek alone in the living room. He sat in an armchair, trying his best to figure out what the hell he was going to say and he was coming up with nothing. Spencer finally entered the room with two mugs of the hot liquid and handed one to Derek before sitting on the couch. The silence engulfed them, becoming far more uncomfortable as each second passed. Derek feared being the first to talk, but he knew he needed an answer to a fairly simple question.
"Do you hate me?"
"What?" A puzzled look came across Spencer's face before he shook his head. "No."
He closed his eyes. "I'm sorry. I should have known better than to go that fast and then you looked so...afraid. I hurt you and that scared me because one in eig..."
"Individuals observe cues within interactions," Spencer interrupted, his voice gaining speed with each word, "and then interpret those cues through the lens of their existing knowledge and because people use impressions they have of a person to infer implications regarding the information they have received, they..."
"Spencer," he gently prompted, waiting for an explanation.
"Sorry, umm...you saw the look on my face and assumed the worst because of your own experiences and especially because you view me as young and vulnerable. Derek, I might be...nervous about some things, but I'm not weak and you aren't a terrible person for getting caught up in the moment. I know you didn't mean to startle me...the look on your face told me so. Besides, I was far more scared that you'd never speak to me again."
He just hung his head. "It really is my worst fear that I'll..."
"Don't. Don't do this to yourself. Stop beating yourself up like you obviously intended to do at the gym this weekend. You stopped when I asked. You aren't him, not even close. You're a good man," Spencer comforted. "Come here," he requested, patting the couch.
He followed Spencer's instruction, but sat on the opposite end of the couch. Spencer immediately closed the space between them and rested his head on Derek's chest. "I've never felt safer than when you hold me," Spencer revealed and Derek's guilt slowly began dissipating. They stayed that way for awhile with Spencer was nuzzling him and he knew it was supposed to be comforting, but he still couldn't quite relax. When it didn't have the desired effect, he felt Spencer take a few deep breaths, before sitting up, and looking him in the eye.
"Okay, turn around."
He instantly tensed. "Umm, what?"
"Derek, you're obviously stressed and sore and apparently, I have magical fingers."
He hesitated, weighing the options. "Well...I guess a back rub does sound nice," he shrugged, turning his back to Spencer.
"Ahhh...and t-take off your shirt too?" Spencer squeaked. "It's just...well, it's easier that way."
'...god, I wonder if he knows how adorable it is when he does that?'
"I suppose you know what's best," he chuckled and pulled his shirt over his head. He heard Spencer snap open a bottle and rub his hands together. The lotion was still cold when Spencer applied it, but it warmed with each stroke. 'Whoever told this kid he has magic fingers wasn't kidding,' he mused. His breathing slowed as Spencer worked out each knot. With all the physical and emotional stress he'd dealt with over the past few days, it felt good to unwind and being touched in such a caring way was a luxury. He hadn't realized how much he'd needed this.
Spencer's hands moved up across Derek's shoulders and over to his biceps, rubbing the aching muscles there too. Warm breath lit upon his neck, reminding him of how closer Spencer was. Graceful fingers drifted down to his sides and then around to his abs, stroking them lightly, careful of the bruises. He leaned back into the touch as Spencer planted kisses along his neck, lightly nipping at his jaw.
"May I?" Spencer murmured, reaching for Derek's belt.
"Oh god yeah...I mean..."
"Trust me, I want to," Spencer purred.
With his belt and pants undone, Spencer reached inside, brushing his hand against Derek's eager cock. Derek inhaled sharply.
"Pretty Boy, you are...amazing."
"Mmmm...you're pretty impressive yourself," Spencer muttered, nibbling his ear and making his cock twitch.
Spencer grasped his shoulders and gently turned him so his back was against the couch again. He looked at Spencer with curious eyes, but Spencer just knelt in front of him and gave a gentle tug on Derek's pants and underwear.
"Please?" Spencer asked, his voice a perfect mix of needy and innocent.
"I, uh...if you do, I think you'll be a little over-dressed," he teased.
A befuddled look stared up at him, so he caressed Spencer's shirt as an explanation. A nervous grin came across the Spencers's face and a faint blush spread to his ears, but even with his hands slightly shaking, he nimbly removed his tie, cardigan, and shirt. 'Did I got too far?' Derek worried. As quickly as the skittish behavior appeared, it evaporated when Spencer tugged at his pants again, so he lifted his hips and the rest of his clothing was swiftly removed.
A hand firmly gripped his cock, causing him to gasp slightly. He watched as Spencer bit his lower lip before he tentatively licked the entire length and gently sucked on the head. The sight of those licentious lips wrapped around his erection was almost more than he could bear and he groaned emphatically. Then those innocent brown eyes peered up at him from behind long lashes and he thought he might lose it right in that moment. Spencer started out cautiously taking in his length, almost timid in a way, and yet his tongue massaged the sensitive underside like an expert. He brought one hand up, carefully gripping Spencer's hair. Spencer hummed in delight and the vibrations shot waves of pleasure through him.
'I hope he knows I'm going to make him grow his hair out again.'
Spencer picked up the pace and out of nowhere, Spencer raked his fingernails from his knee to his inner thigh and he knew he was losing control.
"Oh god baby...don't stop, so close..."
Spencer pulled up, letting go of his cock with a loud, slick pop. "Did you know that the term 'blow job' comes from Victorian times when 'blow' was slang for ejaculation and 'blowsy' was..."
"Reid!" he hissed in his most authoritative voice.
Spencer just smirked and swirled his tongue around the tip before deep throating his cock. 'Wha...?' When he felt his balls being gently massaged, he knew he wasn't going to last much longer.
"Fuck, fuck, Spencer, I..." he cried, cumming hard against the back of Spencer's throat.
Spencer gazed at him with lustful eyes, swallowed seductively, and lapped up the cum he hadn't quite managed to swallow the first time.
'...if I hadn't just...holy shit...how the fuck is...?'
"How...I mean, you're..." his brain attempted.
"Good? Giving oral is one of the few things I've done before."
"C'mere," he requested.
There was a hint of hesitation, but then Spencer straddled Derek and leaned in, pressing his own erection against Derek's groin and teasing the edges of Derek's ear with his teeth. "Yes?"
"You're more than good."
*****
Chapter 8 - All That's Left Are The Sticks And Stones
"You're more than good," Derek answered, low and husky, before drawing him into a slow-burning kiss that quelled the fears he'd felt rising up inside. He wrapped his arms around Derek's neck as Derek's hands glided over his bare chest and back, finally settling on his hips. Derek deepened the kiss, putting him into a trance that quickly broke when Derek reached for his belt. Despite himself, he flinched and Derek immediately pulled away.
'...here I am with a man I literally trust with my life...doing things I've been fantasizing about for years and yet...'
"Look at me," Derek instructed. When he did, Derek's concerned eyes made him wince. "Are you okay Spencer? I know you said you're not upset with me, but it's alright if..."
"No! It has nothing to do with the other night or even just you." He rolled off the other man's lap, his eyes on the floor. "I'm not exactly used to people wanting to touch me."
Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of Derek's flabbergasted face. "Really?" Derek asked, "I mean, you just said you had...practice and I can't understand how someone could resist the urge to touch you after...or really...even before..."
He shrugged. "It's to be expected when you find yourself being sexual almost exclusively with 'straight' men." He felt more than saw Derek flinch. "They were more than willing to let me touch them, but they generally didn't want to touch me back. Well, that and they wanted to do anal without a condom because apparently a condom signals that you're doing it on purpose and therefore, gay. I may have been young and naïve, but thankfully I didn't make that mistake."
Derek was silent for a moment, the wheels in his head obviously turning. "Generally. So what happened when they did touch you?"
'...yeah, he would look past the rambling and notice that slip up...shit...'
He cleared his throat and licked his lips. "It doesn't matter," he lied.
"If that's true, why do you keep pulling away from me?"
"Because I...it was...oh fine," he sighed, unable to come up with an alternative explanation that made any sense at all. "When I was at Caltech, I tutored undergrads for extra cash...it's how I met a lot of the guys actually...they were closer to my age and I didn't have to go to a bar or anything. Anyway, just before I graduated, one of them confessed that he might be gay and umm...had heard I was, which wasn't technically true, but close enough I guess...either way, he wanted to test his theory." He paused, trying to find the right words. "I suppose me cumming in his mouth triggered his internalized homophobia and ahh...I'd been beaten up far worse before, so it wasn't too bad."
"Spencer, I..."
"It's okay." He saw doubt in Derek's eyes. "I'm a lot less jumpy than I used to be. And it's not that I think you're going to hurt me or that I don't trust you or that I don't want this...my body just has this annoying tendency to react in ways that are inconsistent with what I want. I guess I'm still not used to being desired because of how often it was used to trick me."
Derek's hand covered his and he fought the urge to pull away.
"Look, I might joke around a lot, but I'm serious when I say this...I want you and I want to make you feel good. If that means going slow and being gentle until you're comfortable with more, then that's what I'll do. But Spencer, you have to help by telling me what's okay and what's too much to handle. I need you to know you can always say no and I won't be mad or think less of you, okay?"
He bit the inside of his check. "Okay."
"I'd like to touch you now. May I?"
He nodded and Derek moved closer to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulder, pulling him to his chest. The familiar position caused his muscles to relax and his breathing to slow. He became vaguely aware that Derek's other hand was lightly brushing his hair, then his cheek, then his jawline before it carefully tilted his chin up. A chaste kiss graced his lips, full of understanding and comfort. He's the one to deepen the kiss, to bring a hand up to the nape of Derek's neck, to press his tongue against the seal of Derek's lips.
Derek's hands slid to his hips and he let himself be guided back into Derek's lap. His lips felt an absence as Derek's mouth moved to his ear, licking, nibbling, whispering reassurances. Cautious fingertips grazed his nipples, eliciting a quiet moan, his back arching slightly, and as Derek gently pinched his right nipple, a jolt of pleasure swept through his body, causing him to roll his hips. A few times, Derek's hands traveled farther south, touching his thighs or his belt, but always found a way to be back on his nipples before his brain reacted negatively.
'...classical conditioning...or is it operant...? oh who frakkin cares...'
It still surprised him when Derek touched his belt and he thrust into the touch. The smile on Derek's face was intoxicating, and even though he wasn't entirely sure of himself, he started unbuckling his belt and let Derek help him out of the rest of his clothes. "God, Spencer, you're gorgeous," Derek had said before reaching between them to lazily stroke his erection. He whimpered, burying his face into Derek's neck, his hips bucking in time with Derek's movements. With all the buildup, it didn't take long for him to come, gasping Derek's name. He felt Derek prop him up with one hand, obviously intent on making sure that Spencer saw him licking the cum off his hand.
He sighed sleepily, content. "I'm really tired," he said, even though it was rather apparent.
"Okay, would you like me to stay?" Derek asked. "I mean, I can just stay on the couch in case you need something in the night."
"Stay here a minute," he requested, getting up and going into his bedroom. Spencer quickly cleaned up, changed into some sweat pants, grabbed a pair Derek left the last time, and returned, holding them out, his eyes avoiding Derek's naked body.
"Thanks man," Derek said, putting them on before Spencer grabbed his wrist and led him into the bedroom. "No, thank you," he finally responded.
Derek kissed his forehead. "Let's get some rest."
When he fell asleep, he was nestled as tightly as humanly possible to Derek's chest.