Fic: Show Me Grace [1/1]
Title: Show Me Grace
Author: freakingdork
Pairing: Jordan/Morgan friendship, minor mention Morgan/Reid
Rating: FRT
Word Count: 1319
Summary: ...just like an addict who wants his last fix, Derek wants to have sex with another man for the very last time.
Warnings: none
Notes: Set in the Glitch 'verse, prequel to the main fic; you'll want to read the main fic first.
*****
The bar is classier than Derek's used to, immediately putting him on edge, but it was the nearest one outside the city. Perhaps it's strange, but he's sure he'd be more comfortable if it was as dirty and sleazy as he is for being there. Derek wishes he could pretend he doesn't know what he’s doing. It certainly flies in the face of what he’s about to start doing the very next day, but just like an addict who wants his last fix, Derek wants to have sex with another man for the very last time.
Leaning back against the bar, he looks at the crowd, trying to figure out his odds of getting what he wants from the various men glancing his way. Despite his intentions, their hungry eyes leave him feeling skittish.
“Are you okay?” someone yells over the music and his head whips towards the voice. A woman with light brown skin is staring at him, clearly concerned by how easily he was startled. "You look a little lost."
Trying to look casual and not so lost, Derek settles back against the bar, takes a sip of his beer, and pulls out his most charming grin. "Yeah, it's just...been awhile."
The stranger's eyes narrow and Derek can tell she's not buying it. "Well, how about I sit here while you get comfortable," she says because it's definitely not a question. "My name's Jordan."
"I'm Derek," he tells her. "And really, I'm fine."
"If you're so fine, you won't mind me sitting here," Jordan shoots back, pulling up a stool.
The silence between them settles in as a new song starts pumping through the speakers. A few men catch his eye, their glances smoldering, but Derek finds he's frozen in his spot. There's so much he wants and so much he hates himself for wanting. His skin crawls when he notices an older gentleman leering his way; swallowing the memories back is harder than he'd prefer.
"Are you sure you want to be here?" Jordan asks, and there's no judgement, just concern. When he doesn't answer, she says, "I'm hungry, let's go get dinner."
"Why would I do that?"
"Because it's what you need," she says. "The night is young and you can always come back if you want. Just take a time out first."
***
Jordan tries not to let the surprise show on her face when he agrees to come with her. She knows she's been putting on a good show of being entirely sure of herself; she doesn't want him to know it's a flimsy facade. Jordan doesn't know Derek's story, but she recognized that look and she couldn't just watch him self-destruct, even if he is a total stranger.
The pub they go to is homey and quiet. It takes awhile to get Derek to tell her that he's a cop that's new to the area and isn't even from Jonesborough, which Jordan knows isn't much and still recognizes for the victory it is.
As they finish their burgers, Derek asks, "But really, what is this?"
"I don't know what you mean," she answers and it's a half-truth. Jordan knows she hasn't said outright why she talked him into leaving, but she's curious to hear what he thinks her reasoning is.
"I was pretty sure you were looking for lost souls and latched into me," he says. "But you haven't lectured me on my wicked ways and it's kinda freaking me out."
It takes her a moment to fully process what Derek means and feels mildly horrified at his conclusion.
"No, well kinda, but...you just looked like you were scared and yeah, definitely lost. I thought you might like some space to figure stuff out," she says, catching his eyes before adding, "You looked like how I felt the first time I went to a gay bar alone, unsure of what I needed."
"Oh," he says quietly, looking down at the table.
"Besides, why would you go with me if you thought I was a bigot who'd berate you like that?" Jordan asks and immediately regrets it.
His silence certainly fills in a lot of uncomfortable blanks and she's pretty sure the only reason Derek isn't instantly on his feet and out the door is because he's too much of a gentleman to leave her with the check.
Jordan knows she's got to think fast; their waitress has been very attentive, so there's not much time left before he can leave, disappearing into the night. The thought of Derek left to his own devices scares her even more than it did at the beginning of the night.
"What are you doing tomorrow?" Jordan asks. Setting up plans for the next day can be helpful for someone suicidal and while Jordan doesn't think he's that self-destructive, she knows Derek's trying to kill a part of himself; that's enough for her.
He narrows his eyes, but whatever he sees on her face apparently leaves him resigned to the fact that she's unlikely to give up. "Mostly just going to church."
It's only a guess, but it seems reasonable to assume it's one that shames him for who he's attracted to. So Jordan reaches across the table, resting her hand on Derek's forearm. He flinches, but she doesn't move her hand.
"Me too. Why don't you come to my church with me instead?" she offers. He eyes her warily and she adds, "I remember how isolating it can be when you're new to a church. At least you'll know me, right?"
Beyond all reason, he says he'll go with her, just in time too; the waitress drops the check with a smile not even a minute later.
***
As he was dressing for church, Derek looked in the mirror and still couldn't believe he agreed to essentially postpone the entire reason he moved to Memphis. It's all because of one rather persistent stranger and the whole drive to Prescott Memorial Baptist Church he wonders why. Not that it's a long drive; it's in Memphis, not Jonesborough, which added new questions with no answers.
The service is pleasant enough and he feels comfortable sitting among the congregation with Jordan at his side. Everyone is friendly after the service, clearly interested in making him feel at home.
Including Vincent and Sean Hotchner.
Now, Derek would never accuse Jordan of playing dirty, but he's not sure parading around gay couple who'd been together eleven years before the church started doing commitment ceremonies in 1997 was entirely fair play. That's nearly twenty years of love and companionship and it's not that Derek doesn't want something like they have; he just knows he can't have it.
So the next Sunday finds him sitting at Central Church, letting the condemnation of the preacher remind him of that truth.
***
Jordan's heart aches for him every time they talk. Trying to invite him back to Prescott had only led to Derek claiming he's where he's supposed to be and attempting to discuss his sexuality in any positive, substantial way has him reminding her that the group says he shouldn't even talk to queer people. They're brainwashing him in a way she can't compete with, so she waters it down, keeps things light and palatable, reminds Derek that he's not alone as she waits and prays for an opening.
When he comes to her, asking her to be his date for the sake of some boy's soul, it's almost three years after that night at the bar, three years of trying to help him as best she can without losing him entirely. Jordan almost says no, but she sees it in Derek's eyes, the thing he won't even admit to after she all but accuses him of it.
It's love.
And she thinks, maybe, just maybe, after all these years of trying, the perfect catalyst has come along.
And his name is Spencer.