(no subject)
Today sucks. Is it just because it's Sunday? I don't know.
I feel like for the past few months I've been in the biggest rut since... ever. I'm really homesick, not so much for home as I am Southern. Sad part is, even if I went back, it wouldn't make me any happier because things wouldn't be the same there as they were the last two years, and I'd never get my damn degree.
This time last year was so good. Happy. Probably the most happy I've ever been. FortNight was nearly a year ago. I can't believe that. I had so many fun nights... and it's not as if I'll never have fun nights again, just not like that. I'm making new memories now, but I'm almost hesitant because I know that somewhere down the line I'm just going to be hurting for those memories, too. It's the same thing for people. I don't have enough room to be nostalgic for and miss and hurt over that much. More people. I'm not capable. So do I just stick with what I've got now, and just work on dealing with the times I've already lost, or try to temporarily cure it with making new fun times which I'll be missing on top of missing what I already miss? It's all so confusing. I'd like to say it all makes sense inside my head, but it doesn't.
I won't front, a lot of it has to do with missing JB. I don't miss being with him, I just miss him in general. As a person. Hanging out. Well okay, I miss being with him a little bit. When things were good. I look at my relationship with JB like I look at my high school years. Sometimes you have a really great time and never want it to end, but sometimes you think to yourself "if these are supposed to be the best years of my life, the rest of my life is going to be beyond shitty". But as much as you feel you hate it and it makes you hate yourself, in an odd way it becomes a second home, and makes you feel secure gives you a sense of self. On the day when it's all over, you're sad for a bit but then you look back and say "thank god it's over, don't know how much more I could have dealt with.." but then you take that last look over your shoulder and think "but that really was a defining point in my life, and things will never be the same again... I had some really good times there, and I really learned a lot.. BUT IT'S OVER, PHEW!... but it would be nice just to have one more day or so, just to say goodbye." I'm never done saying goodbye, I always want to say goodbye one more time.
Kenzie made a really good point when she brought up the fact that "some people go through people like phases, and you just don't." It's true. Once I care about someone, I don't stop caring about them. Probably ever. Especially if it's someone I'm really close with and (at one time) had a connection with. And then one day it's just supposed to stop, almost like it never happened. And they find someone else. And I'm stuck here missing another person. What is it about me that people (people meaning boys) find me so disposable? I can't imagine being that close with someone and then all of the sudden they're just non-existant to me.. no matter what happened. It makes me wonder what feelings were even there in the first place, and what was genuine. If anything was genuine. But I can't expect everyone else's heads and hearts to operate just like mine.
I feel like for the past few months I've been in the biggest rut since... ever. I'm really homesick, not so much for home as I am Southern. Sad part is, even if I went back, it wouldn't make me any happier because things wouldn't be the same there as they were the last two years, and I'd never get my damn degree.
This time last year was so good. Happy. Probably the most happy I've ever been. FortNight was nearly a year ago. I can't believe that. I had so many fun nights... and it's not as if I'll never have fun nights again, just not like that. I'm making new memories now, but I'm almost hesitant because I know that somewhere down the line I'm just going to be hurting for those memories, too. It's the same thing for people. I don't have enough room to be nostalgic for and miss and hurt over that much. More people. I'm not capable. So do I just stick with what I've got now, and just work on dealing with the times I've already lost, or try to temporarily cure it with making new fun times which I'll be missing on top of missing what I already miss? It's all so confusing. I'd like to say it all makes sense inside my head, but it doesn't.
I won't front, a lot of it has to do with missing JB. I don't miss being with him, I just miss him in general. As a person. Hanging out. Well okay, I miss being with him a little bit. When things were good. I look at my relationship with JB like I look at my high school years. Sometimes you have a really great time and never want it to end, but sometimes you think to yourself "if these are supposed to be the best years of my life, the rest of my life is going to be beyond shitty". But as much as you feel you hate it and it makes you hate yourself, in an odd way it becomes a second home, and makes you feel secure gives you a sense of self. On the day when it's all over, you're sad for a bit but then you look back and say "thank god it's over, don't know how much more I could have dealt with.." but then you take that last look over your shoulder and think "but that really was a defining point in my life, and things will never be the same again... I had some really good times there, and I really learned a lot.. BUT IT'S OVER, PHEW!... but it would be nice just to have one more day or so, just to say goodbye." I'm never done saying goodbye, I always want to say goodbye one more time.
Kenzie made a really good point when she brought up the fact that "some people go through people like phases, and you just don't." It's true. Once I care about someone, I don't stop caring about them. Probably ever. Especially if it's someone I'm really close with and (at one time) had a connection with. And then one day it's just supposed to stop, almost like it never happened. And they find someone else. And I'm stuck here missing another person. What is it about me that people (people meaning boys) find me so disposable? I can't imagine being that close with someone and then all of the sudden they're just non-existant to me.. no matter what happened. It makes me wonder what feelings were even there in the first place, and what was genuine. If anything was genuine. But I can't expect everyone else's heads and hearts to operate just like mine.