I Just Don't Feel Like Brian Anymore...
I don't know how exactly to explain what happened. Most people I tell don't really understand the magnitude of it. Caring and loving for a person for over a year and then finding a conversation like that totally takes over your emotions. I couldn't stop shaking, and I froze in my tracks. I didn't know whether I should have just closed out of it, and pretended it wasn't there, waiting for him to get home and confront him, or do exactly what I did... packed up and left. I don't know what the best option was... but I did what I felt I knew I could do. I removed myself from the situation.
Anthony. Fuck. I don't think anything I ever thought of you will be the same. All the good times are now disgusting tainted images in my mind about you, and some guy I have no name or face to. I was so shaken that I don't remember the guy's screen name. I just remember the drive home. Remembering that you were the one accusing me of just not "taking you as you were" and saying I "didn't have a reason not to trust you". And... I still don't know what drove me to check his shit. It's just times like now I think I did it at the worst time possible.
I'm in such an upward and downward climb... It doesn't seem to smooth out. Just knowing this time It's over for good had brought me to a breakdown. I receive words of encouragement and strength... but none of it can help when the biggest demon you're facing down is your own self-guilt. Why was I so stupid to do this? Why didn't I see it? Why did I allow myself to fall in love with him again? A lot of these things... I just don't understand.
A big part of me wants to know all those answers. How long it was going on for. How often it happened. How they met. What about it was so tempting you couldn't stay monogamous. The conversation, mental images, everything... it's haunting. Almost like seeing someone die and replaying it in your head over and over again.
I'll never quite get over him. I know that he probably took a huge part of me away that I'll never replace. And while I know I need to work on my happiness right now... I don't exactly know where to start. I don't really remember what used to make me happy because for so long... I put him in front of my happiness. If he was happy, I was happy. I feel like a large part of all of my accomplishments were to make him proud of me, and to make me feel worthwhile.
Moreso than almost anything is the thought that I won't find anyone quite like him. All the bullshit he put me through. The lying. The cheating. The misery... It almost made me feel more wanted. But the fact that he had those things about him that were irresistible. The things you can tell people about, but unless they were me... they wouldn't understand the effect of them over me. I was, and I guess still am, fucked up in the head. I could only imagine how bad some people have had it before... I wish some of that would play an effect on me right now too. People have been married for years, and then find out their spouse is cheating. But for some reason... I still think because I don't take it with a grain of salt, that I'm sabotaging myself for it.
What I do have left of my life is what I'm trying to sew and mend back together. I'm okay sometimes. I want to breakdown sometimes. I want him to die sometimes. It's all a much too sad story about a boy that trusted someone too much and gave a little too much of himself away. I'm curious with how this will play out in all the future relationships I have.
So I conclude this: I wonder what you're thinking tonight. I wonder if it is eating away at you. A bit. If you feel guilt about it... because you never apologized or said anything. You blocked me out of your life. I think I will feel stronger with time... there's a lot of things I've been ashamed of doing, but I refuse to have taking you back one more time to be one of them. I just need to think of this relationship as a gravestone. Anthony and Brian: Jan. 19, 2008 - April 11, 2009. R.I.P. I'll never be the same, but I also will be okay.
Life must be understood backwards; but… it must be lived forward.
- Soren Kierkegaard
Anthony. Fuck. I don't think anything I ever thought of you will be the same. All the good times are now disgusting tainted images in my mind about you, and some guy I have no name or face to. I was so shaken that I don't remember the guy's screen name. I just remember the drive home. Remembering that you were the one accusing me of just not "taking you as you were" and saying I "didn't have a reason not to trust you". And... I still don't know what drove me to check his shit. It's just times like now I think I did it at the worst time possible.
I'm in such an upward and downward climb... It doesn't seem to smooth out. Just knowing this time It's over for good had brought me to a breakdown. I receive words of encouragement and strength... but none of it can help when the biggest demon you're facing down is your own self-guilt. Why was I so stupid to do this? Why didn't I see it? Why did I allow myself to fall in love with him again? A lot of these things... I just don't understand.
A big part of me wants to know all those answers. How long it was going on for. How often it happened. How they met. What about it was so tempting you couldn't stay monogamous. The conversation, mental images, everything... it's haunting. Almost like seeing someone die and replaying it in your head over and over again.
I'll never quite get over him. I know that he probably took a huge part of me away that I'll never replace. And while I know I need to work on my happiness right now... I don't exactly know where to start. I don't really remember what used to make me happy because for so long... I put him in front of my happiness. If he was happy, I was happy. I feel like a large part of all of my accomplishments were to make him proud of me, and to make me feel worthwhile.
Moreso than almost anything is the thought that I won't find anyone quite like him. All the bullshit he put me through. The lying. The cheating. The misery... It almost made me feel more wanted. But the fact that he had those things about him that were irresistible. The things you can tell people about, but unless they were me... they wouldn't understand the effect of them over me. I was, and I guess still am, fucked up in the head. I could only imagine how bad some people have had it before... I wish some of that would play an effect on me right now too. People have been married for years, and then find out their spouse is cheating. But for some reason... I still think because I don't take it with a grain of salt, that I'm sabotaging myself for it.
What I do have left of my life is what I'm trying to sew and mend back together. I'm okay sometimes. I want to breakdown sometimes. I want him to die sometimes. It's all a much too sad story about a boy that trusted someone too much and gave a little too much of himself away. I'm curious with how this will play out in all the future relationships I have.
So I conclude this: I wonder what you're thinking tonight. I wonder if it is eating away at you. A bit. If you feel guilt about it... because you never apologized or said anything. You blocked me out of your life. I think I will feel stronger with time... there's a lot of things I've been ashamed of doing, but I refuse to have taking you back one more time to be one of them. I just need to think of this relationship as a gravestone. Anthony and Brian: Jan. 19, 2008 - April 11, 2009. R.I.P. I'll never be the same, but I also will be okay.
Life must be understood backwards; but… it must be lived forward.
- Soren Kierkegaard