A new beginning.. kind of.
So my love and I are having problems. because of me, and because of my past, and because of the horrible person I used to be. I want to prove to him I've changed, and I want to show him what's really going on in my head. So I started a journal, it's a pretty green one with a big black and silver heart on it. I'm carrying it around to all of my classes, everywhere.. I haven't put it down, and every chance I get I'm going to write in it.
mostly about the issue that's going on, but I realize I kind of run off track when I'm upset. This is a long one. Apologies. [This is everything written in this notebook so far, only typed out on my LJ] : [This bar things, are my side comments]
Goodbye to you, mistakes
You're no longer welcome here, so please discard yourselves in an orderly manner and leave me the fuck alone!
3/12/06
Dear papernotebookholdingmythoughts,
I vow to write inside you every night before I lay down to sleep
3/13/06
See, I've already fucked up this journal thing, I can't believe I didn't pick it up to write in it last night. I mean, all I did was sit up in bed and pout till Wesley called , beating my alarm clock by two minutes. [this was very cute]I really apprieciate that he called and told me that he loves me. It made the fact that I was going to be miserable all day alittle better. My teacher said that more than 100 tornados touched down yesterday, and since I'm DJ in about a half hour [I'm in radio] I have to make the tornado thing very well known. anyway, to the whole reason I started. Wes found out about a couple things I have lied about and it broke his heart. I thought if I left them behind, I could move on. Not to say my mistakes are justified, but, I was so afraid to tell him and after a while they just disappated to me. I feel like a monster for hurting him and I'm wicked for what I did. So Perhaps I do deserve this not sleep, not eat binge today. I left my money at home [Britt ended up lending me some, thank god, I felt like I was going to pass out if I didn't get something in my stomach] I'm so tweaked today I didn't even think about it, I just concentrated on not falling down the stairs . I really do deserve this suffer, I don't deserve to breathe or be in his precense, but for some reason I am. I mean, I love him with all of my being and lately i've made him my life. I've turned down friends to be with him, I wish he could see I've changed. I don't have nor want anything to do with my past any longer, I want to move on to my future, but I want it to be with him. I really truly do. I wish he could see it carved into my heart. Today at the bus stop [due to tornado] the wind was blowing so hard I felt like if I wasn't such a monster I would just float away.. sadly, I didn't depart.I didn't because I'm bad and evil, and I'm a liar. When the wind whipped through my hair [which was wet and stringy from my shower] I imagined all the strings and ropes were each lies I have commited and they were just blowing away. I wish it would all just go away so we can be happy together. I want him to know i'm different and I've changed for him. I've given up all of them only to find I feel so much better free from them. I love Wesley Kutch with all my existance, but will he ever see? Will I ever be forgiven or trusted again? I don't think I will, because I've gone beyond the point of being forgiven and it this all ends out okay I'll truly know miracles exist. I guess I can't call myself an atheist anymore, because this is helping me believe that there is a higher being. Never will i say that higher being is God, and he never died on the cross for my sins - he would have to do a lot of dying anyway. that higher being wouldn't want that. Wes is the reason that I found to change who I used to be and the reason to wake every morning [because I can't find it in myself, frankly] I was so consumed by suicide just a year or so ago but because of him and his love for me I am still here. I'm so tired and I'm hungry and sick to my stomach.. I just want to throw up, bleed, anything to hurt like he does.. to feel a little cleaner. I don't even want to look in the mirror because I know I won't like what I see. I wish everything would go away, wish it could be erased so him and I can be together. So I can be with the person who means the most to me. So I can show him my love and my sorrow & pain for hurting him. I've written, done and through some very bad things that would crush anyone that adores you. But he's always strong, and if he's going to be gone that's something I'll forever miss. His strength, his courage and dedication, his love. I can't stand him to leave because I would never again get to feel safe with his arms around me and feel his soft lips on mine, i wouldn't get to smell his intoxicating scent ever again because I'm a monster. I feel like my life is spinning and no one is there to catch me or understand but him. But I know that after I did what I did he'd probably rather me hit the ground than waste the effort. I did really bad, horrible things, and if I were someone else I would tell me off. I wish I could show my heart to him, you know.. rip ir out and show him it's got his name engraved in it. I used to be the most untrustworthy, unfaithful person but now I know.. I know I want him. I want his comfort he provides, his deep soulful eyes, his love that has ALWAYS been true. It's all I want and need. I don't deserve to be trusted given my past but I want Wesley to know it's only him and my heart is his. I want him to be happy, but is us parting the only way? I don't want it to be, because without him I'd be a lost fish, a fish out of water, a not-so-meaningful-anymore mewissafish. Please, whatever higher being you are, make everything okay.. I have to go be DJ now, I'll write more soon. I love my angel.
I just got done being DJ, it was so weird. I didn't care, I don't care about anything but him and us right now. I think I scared the news caster because he even looked at me like I am the disease I feel like I am. God I love Wes, I wish I could take all those bad negative things back.
Bell just rang, write soon.
So now someone realizes I'm not so chipper and she calls me pretty, and shares her chair. God bless Madi, I never thought beauty was an empty expression and black eyes.
I'm supposed to be working on my ceramics project but I'm shaking too bad. I'm scared to death, I'm afraid he'll find something I don't remember, and failed to tell him. He'll just see more lies.. and well, what if he leaves? I don't want to be without him, without my heart.
I'm home now and I've done a lot of thinking. What will I do if he doesn't come visit me in two weeks? Or what if he does come and doesn't treat me like his girlfriend, or something along those lines..
It would be torture. I wouldn't feel safe because his arms would not be around me, and if he didn't come, I'd miss everything about him from his soft skin to his adorable prickly face hair. His deep eyes, which I have no problem getting lost in. His comforting voice, and his warm sense of humor. That smell of his that I still can't name, but that scent alone that could calm me in an instant. I want and need to feel him, hold him, smell him. God I hope things work out because I'm going to be scared of myself if I don't get these things. It's like a drug addiction and he's my drug of choice.
Please let a miracle occur again.
~
I'm sorry if some things seemed repetitive, but I wrote all this throughout the course of the day during my free time in class, so yeah.. it was spur of the moment spilling.
I love you, Wes
*Melissa*
mostly about the issue that's going on, but I realize I kind of run off track when I'm upset. This is a long one. Apologies. [This is everything written in this notebook so far, only typed out on my LJ] : [This bar things, are my side comments]
Goodbye to you, mistakes
You're no longer welcome here, so please discard yourselves in an orderly manner and leave me the fuck alone!
3/12/06
Dear papernotebookholdingmythoughts,
I vow to write inside you every night before I lay down to sleep
3/13/06
See, I've already fucked up this journal thing, I can't believe I didn't pick it up to write in it last night. I mean, all I did was sit up in bed and pout till Wesley called , beating my alarm clock by two minutes. [this was very cute]I really apprieciate that he called and told me that he loves me. It made the fact that I was going to be miserable all day alittle better. My teacher said that more than 100 tornados touched down yesterday, and since I'm DJ in about a half hour [I'm in radio] I have to make the tornado thing very well known. anyway, to the whole reason I started. Wes found out about a couple things I have lied about and it broke his heart. I thought if I left them behind, I could move on. Not to say my mistakes are justified, but, I was so afraid to tell him and after a while they just disappated to me. I feel like a monster for hurting him and I'm wicked for what I did. So Perhaps I do deserve this not sleep, not eat binge today. I left my money at home [Britt ended up lending me some, thank god, I felt like I was going to pass out if I didn't get something in my stomach] I'm so tweaked today I didn't even think about it, I just concentrated on not falling down the stairs . I really do deserve this suffer, I don't deserve to breathe or be in his precense, but for some reason I am. I mean, I love him with all of my being and lately i've made him my life. I've turned down friends to be with him, I wish he could see I've changed. I don't have nor want anything to do with my past any longer, I want to move on to my future, but I want it to be with him. I really truly do. I wish he could see it carved into my heart. Today at the bus stop [due to tornado] the wind was blowing so hard I felt like if I wasn't such a monster I would just float away.. sadly, I didn't depart.I didn't because I'm bad and evil, and I'm a liar. When the wind whipped through my hair [which was wet and stringy from my shower] I imagined all the strings and ropes were each lies I have commited and they were just blowing away. I wish it would all just go away so we can be happy together. I want him to know i'm different and I've changed for him. I've given up all of them only to find I feel so much better free from them. I love Wesley Kutch with all my existance, but will he ever see? Will I ever be forgiven or trusted again? I don't think I will, because I've gone beyond the point of being forgiven and it this all ends out okay I'll truly know miracles exist. I guess I can't call myself an atheist anymore, because this is helping me believe that there is a higher being. Never will i say that higher being is God, and he never died on the cross for my sins - he would have to do a lot of dying anyway. that higher being wouldn't want that. Wes is the reason that I found to change who I used to be and the reason to wake every morning [because I can't find it in myself, frankly] I was so consumed by suicide just a year or so ago but because of him and his love for me I am still here. I'm so tired and I'm hungry and sick to my stomach.. I just want to throw up, bleed, anything to hurt like he does.. to feel a little cleaner. I don't even want to look in the mirror because I know I won't like what I see. I wish everything would go away, wish it could be erased so him and I can be together. So I can be with the person who means the most to me. So I can show him my love and my sorrow & pain for hurting him. I've written, done and through some very bad things that would crush anyone that adores you. But he's always strong, and if he's going to be gone that's something I'll forever miss. His strength, his courage and dedication, his love. I can't stand him to leave because I would never again get to feel safe with his arms around me and feel his soft lips on mine, i wouldn't get to smell his intoxicating scent ever again because I'm a monster. I feel like my life is spinning and no one is there to catch me or understand but him. But I know that after I did what I did he'd probably rather me hit the ground than waste the effort. I did really bad, horrible things, and if I were someone else I would tell me off. I wish I could show my heart to him, you know.. rip ir out and show him it's got his name engraved in it. I used to be the most untrustworthy, unfaithful person but now I know.. I know I want him. I want his comfort he provides, his deep soulful eyes, his love that has ALWAYS been true. It's all I want and need. I don't deserve to be trusted given my past but I want Wesley to know it's only him and my heart is his. I want him to be happy, but is us parting the only way? I don't want it to be, because without him I'd be a lost fish, a fish out of water, a not-so-meaningful-anymore mewissafish. Please, whatever higher being you are, make everything okay.. I have to go be DJ now, I'll write more soon. I love my angel.
I just got done being DJ, it was so weird. I didn't care, I don't care about anything but him and us right now. I think I scared the news caster because he even looked at me like I am the disease I feel like I am. God I love Wes, I wish I could take all those bad negative things back.
Bell just rang, write soon.
So now someone realizes I'm not so chipper and she calls me pretty, and shares her chair. God bless Madi, I never thought beauty was an empty expression and black eyes.
I'm supposed to be working on my ceramics project but I'm shaking too bad. I'm scared to death, I'm afraid he'll find something I don't remember, and failed to tell him. He'll just see more lies.. and well, what if he leaves? I don't want to be without him, without my heart.
I'm home now and I've done a lot of thinking. What will I do if he doesn't come visit me in two weeks? Or what if he does come and doesn't treat me like his girlfriend, or something along those lines..
It would be torture. I wouldn't feel safe because his arms would not be around me, and if he didn't come, I'd miss everything about him from his soft skin to his adorable prickly face hair. His deep eyes, which I have no problem getting lost in. His comforting voice, and his warm sense of humor. That smell of his that I still can't name, but that scent alone that could calm me in an instant. I want and need to feel him, hold him, smell him. God I hope things work out because I'm going to be scared of myself if I don't get these things. It's like a drug addiction and he's my drug of choice.
Please let a miracle occur again.
~
I'm sorry if some things seemed repetitive, but I wrote all this throughout the course of the day during my free time in class, so yeah.. it was spur of the moment spilling.
I love you, Wes
*Melissa*