(no subject)
College is cool. I'm a different person here. I'm much less restricted and I'm a little more free to explore my identity. The only problem is that I'm not in the school of music. I don't have a horn. I haven't practiced in almost three weeks. I'm supposed to audition on Monday, but I probably won't have a horn then. I don't know my minor scales incredibly well playing-wise, but I can figure them out quickly thanks to music theory. I feel like I'm not good enough. I always have up until last year. I had confidence and I felt like I was finally as good as eveyrone else if not better and now not only am I back down to the bottom as a freshman but I feel like, as much as I want to, that I shouldn't even be there because I'm not a real musician. I'm just someone who wishes they could play. I know classes are supposed to help that. I have the desire, enough so that I even have the work ethic which really surprised me. I may not have all of the skills but I want to fix that. I want to be good and I feel like I really could but I sometimes feels like I'm not given a chance and other times I feel like I'm cutting my hopes off before they get too high and so I think I just shouldn't be there becasue I'm never going to do well and I could never make it, even if music is the only thing that can make me smile from ear to ear just at a mention.
Music is my lifelong obsession, not just a passing one where I memorize the songs until I'm sick of them or they fade away. Music's always been there and I want music to always be there. I don't want to be one of those people who gave up on their dream. I want to be a studio musician for movie soundtracks. I want to play music for a short period of time with people who are good and want to be there and then move on and play more music. I want to play different styles. I want to perform. I want to travel. I want to get paid to do what I love and right now I don't feel confident in that. I don't have a horn I wasn't playing well even before I took a three week break from lack of having a horn, and moving, and working, and not having a horn, and having no idea where my next horn is actually coming from, and losing my music, and not having a horn. I'm kind of freaking out about the whole no baritone thing, can you tell?
Music is my lifelong obsession, not just a passing one where I memorize the songs until I'm sick of them or they fade away. Music's always been there and I want music to always be there. I don't want to be one of those people who gave up on their dream. I want to be a studio musician for movie soundtracks. I want to play music for a short period of time with people who are good and want to be there and then move on and play more music. I want to play different styles. I want to perform. I want to travel. I want to get paid to do what I love and right now I don't feel confident in that. I don't have a horn I wasn't playing well even before I took a three week break from lack of having a horn, and moving, and working, and not having a horn, and having no idea where my next horn is actually coming from, and losing my music, and not having a horn. I'm kind of freaking out about the whole no baritone thing, can you tell?