(no subject)
Pants suck. Designers suck. Pants made for someone my size and six inches taller suck. Pants made for someone my height and siz inches skinnier suck. Pants whose waists sit nearly at my crotch suck. Completely pointless and impractical pockets are just flat out stupid. Shopping in general sucks.
Clothes suck because nothing fits me and nothing is my style so I wear the same clothes I have since I was fourteen which don't really fit, but they're comfortable and they're just t-shirts and cargo shorts so it doesn't really matter that they don't fit. I'd kind of like some grown-up clothes, not that they'll really help me look older, I'll still be thought of as 12-15, but I know I need a change, especially going off to college and having a job and hopefully becoming a music major which requires me to do performances which require me to have nice clothes, which would not be a pair of cheap black men's dress pants that have a little hole in the right leg and are a little long and really don't fit me at all and would not be a polo shirt which is a size too big for me. That describes my nicest outfit. My next nicest outfit would be the same shirt and a pair of jeans that don't quite fit and are worn at the bottom hem on both sides where I've stepped in them. My idea of a nice pair of shoes are my black marching shoes, which are essentially a nicer version of black sneakers. I grab a pair of cargo shorts and whichever t-shirt I feel like wearing that day and grab a pair of white socks, put on my sneakers with a hole worn through the inner lining on the big toe of the right foot whihc is covered by insoles in both shoes and the sole on the bottom worn flat and almost worn through at the front and rolled smooth on the inside of the heel. I pull my hair back at the bottom of my neck, put on my sports watch and I'm done.
I do the same thing every day. I've had pretty much the same shirts for three years. I had a lot of sarcastic shirts in the beginning that have been cycled out and I have a lot of band related shirts, but they're all the same. Black or white with a really close neckline and short sleeves that go almost to my elbow and the hem of the shirt bunching up because it's longer than my torso. My classmates could probably shop for me at this point. I really haven't changed. My style doens't fit me anymore, but nothing fits me physically that I would even consider to be my style.
Also I have to deal with the fact that I'm getting a little bit more feminine than I'm comfortable with and I'm having trouble accepting that even if I've seen it coming for awhile. I feel like playing dress up and going out in the city and seeing how it is. People wouldn't give another look at me though even if it's the weirdest thing ever. I feel like once I realized I didn't have to be feminine I went about as masculine as I could go because I could and I've come back towards center, but I've never really let myself be feminine because, since I'm female, people already see me as feminine regardless of how I really am, how I look like, what I wear, how I act, what I say, etc. so I try to avoid being feminine if I can help it because that just makes them think I'm more feminine than they already think I am and I'm not but eventually I do have to express that side of me but I never wanted to and I don't really want to now but it's a good time for it I guess, but I'm scared that I'll like it. I don't want to be feminine. I don't want to identify as feminine. I don't want to be like everyone else, I don't want to fit the mold, I don't want to conform to stereotypes. At the same time I conform to another stereotype being how I am now. I wish I could be comfortable enough in my gender to wear whatever the hell I wanted whenever I wanted and not give a fuck but I'm not there yet and I really wish I was because it would make life so much easier for me. I really wish I could. I want to be able to mix genders in my outfit or to look androgynous or to wear a jacket and a polo and dress pants one day and a girly shirt and and shoes and pants the next day. I wish I could switch it out like that be okay with it. If I'm okay with it then other people will be more accepting of it than if I felt insecure but it's hard to accept that being a little feminine doens't mean I can't still be myself.
Clothes suck because nothing fits me and nothing is my style so I wear the same clothes I have since I was fourteen which don't really fit, but they're comfortable and they're just t-shirts and cargo shorts so it doesn't really matter that they don't fit. I'd kind of like some grown-up clothes, not that they'll really help me look older, I'll still be thought of as 12-15, but I know I need a change, especially going off to college and having a job and hopefully becoming a music major which requires me to do performances which require me to have nice clothes, which would not be a pair of cheap black men's dress pants that have a little hole in the right leg and are a little long and really don't fit me at all and would not be a polo shirt which is a size too big for me. That describes my nicest outfit. My next nicest outfit would be the same shirt and a pair of jeans that don't quite fit and are worn at the bottom hem on both sides where I've stepped in them. My idea of a nice pair of shoes are my black marching shoes, which are essentially a nicer version of black sneakers. I grab a pair of cargo shorts and whichever t-shirt I feel like wearing that day and grab a pair of white socks, put on my sneakers with a hole worn through the inner lining on the big toe of the right foot whihc is covered by insoles in both shoes and the sole on the bottom worn flat and almost worn through at the front and rolled smooth on the inside of the heel. I pull my hair back at the bottom of my neck, put on my sports watch and I'm done.
I do the same thing every day. I've had pretty much the same shirts for three years. I had a lot of sarcastic shirts in the beginning that have been cycled out and I have a lot of band related shirts, but they're all the same. Black or white with a really close neckline and short sleeves that go almost to my elbow and the hem of the shirt bunching up because it's longer than my torso. My classmates could probably shop for me at this point. I really haven't changed. My style doens't fit me anymore, but nothing fits me physically that I would even consider to be my style.
Also I have to deal with the fact that I'm getting a little bit more feminine than I'm comfortable with and I'm having trouble accepting that even if I've seen it coming for awhile. I feel like playing dress up and going out in the city and seeing how it is. People wouldn't give another look at me though even if it's the weirdest thing ever. I feel like once I realized I didn't have to be feminine I went about as masculine as I could go because I could and I've come back towards center, but I've never really let myself be feminine because, since I'm female, people already see me as feminine regardless of how I really am, how I look like, what I wear, how I act, what I say, etc. so I try to avoid being feminine if I can help it because that just makes them think I'm more feminine than they already think I am and I'm not but eventually I do have to express that side of me but I never wanted to and I don't really want to now but it's a good time for it I guess, but I'm scared that I'll like it. I don't want to be feminine. I don't want to identify as feminine. I don't want to be like everyone else, I don't want to fit the mold, I don't want to conform to stereotypes. At the same time I conform to another stereotype being how I am now. I wish I could be comfortable enough in my gender to wear whatever the hell I wanted whenever I wanted and not give a fuck but I'm not there yet and I really wish I was because it would make life so much easier for me. I really wish I could. I want to be able to mix genders in my outfit or to look androgynous or to wear a jacket and a polo and dress pants one day and a girly shirt and and shoes and pants the next day. I wish I could switch it out like that be okay with it. If I'm okay with it then other people will be more accepting of it than if I felt insecure but it's hard to accept that being a little feminine doens't mean I can't still be myself.