Same Mistakes
I've accepted the reality of the entire Eli situation and moved on. Yet it's like a bad dream every once in awhile I still have those memory's. I had no control over the whole disaster really it was failed experiment from the start. My heart was broken over the entire episode can I say I've entirely moved on? Yes. Again it still there. I blocked him from life on every avenue accept here I cant control if he reads these or not? I guess I could set my entire journal to private yet that takes the reasoning out of coming here and expressing my inner thoughts. Last thing I'll say on the subject is yes it went wrong but that small dark hole my heart will wonder for awhile then it will move on.
This new Girl in my life now she's amazing, we text almost every day and every hour it's a little crazy when I'm working not text ting while on the job. I feel like a teenager. Yet I'm older. I cant wait to meet her in person and just feel the good connection. Once again. Weren't a couple just friends for now. It's a process.
Life at the moment is like a giant fucking mess. Living here in Virgina has been great still it's that empty feeling that strikes me I miss the simple life of Oregon. I have so many bad memory's there maybe that's what draws me back the old me wanting to just drown in my own sorrows and feel that shitty useless feeling of numb and empty.
Having to battle this cluster fuck in my head is daily struggle I tell you, amazing I've it this long and haven't yet snapped. Sometimes it's a lie that fills my heart instead of the truth of the pain that really is inside. Dealing with the chaos of 18yrs is no easy task moving on is the hardest part of it all. The moment inside when you feel the sadness is finally going away then your reminded of it all again. Some day I hope to get through this life I wake up in every day.
This new Girl in my life now she's amazing, we text almost every day and every hour it's a little crazy when I'm working not text ting while on the job. I feel like a teenager. Yet I'm older. I cant wait to meet her in person and just feel the good connection. Once again. Weren't a couple just friends for now. It's a process.
Life at the moment is like a giant fucking mess. Living here in Virgina has been great still it's that empty feeling that strikes me I miss the simple life of Oregon. I have so many bad memory's there maybe that's what draws me back the old me wanting to just drown in my own sorrows and feel that shitty useless feeling of numb and empty.
Having to battle this cluster fuck in my head is daily struggle I tell you, amazing I've it this long and haven't yet snapped. Sometimes it's a lie that fills my heart instead of the truth of the pain that really is inside. Dealing with the chaos of 18yrs is no easy task moving on is the hardest part of it all. The moment inside when you feel the sadness is finally going away then your reminded of it all again. Some day I hope to get through this life I wake up in every day.