there's nothing more confusing than not understanding your own feelings
What is happening to me?
until about a week ago, i was as happy as pig in mud. i loved being my little self-absorbed, independent self and was genuinely happy for no reason. this week has been just about as bad as i thought it would be, except i didn't expect to have feelings like this. seeing him while not actually talking to him stirred up all these confused emotions. I'm not attracted to him, and i can't possibly love him anymore... so what is this emotion? regret? annoyance that I'm not getting my way? possessiveness? rejection? I can't place it. all i know is that I legitimately felt depressed yesterday for the first time in months. THAT IS NOT OK. today was a better day. maybe I actually haven't been happy all this time, but my pills have made me feel as such. I doubt that though. i think that boy is just the depression monster, he's always giving it to me. And I think what annoys me the most is that I'M REACTING AT ALL IN THE FIRST PLACE. that's the true frustration there. I HATE when someone or something has an effect on me without my consent.
I wish I could make sense of all of this.
All i wanted to be was his friend but that doesn't really look like an option anymore.
fuck. this. shit-- that's all I've got left to say.
until about a week ago, i was as happy as pig in mud. i loved being my little self-absorbed, independent self and was genuinely happy for no reason. this week has been just about as bad as i thought it would be, except i didn't expect to have feelings like this. seeing him while not actually talking to him stirred up all these confused emotions. I'm not attracted to him, and i can't possibly love him anymore... so what is this emotion? regret? annoyance that I'm not getting my way? possessiveness? rejection? I can't place it. all i know is that I legitimately felt depressed yesterday for the first time in months. THAT IS NOT OK. today was a better day. maybe I actually haven't been happy all this time, but my pills have made me feel as such. I doubt that though. i think that boy is just the depression monster, he's always giving it to me. And I think what annoys me the most is that I'M REACTING AT ALL IN THE FIRST PLACE. that's the true frustration there. I HATE when someone or something has an effect on me without my consent.
I wish I could make sense of all of this.
All i wanted to be was his friend but that doesn't really look like an option anymore.
fuck. this. shit-- that's all I've got left to say.