(no subject)
I feel as if I am lost right now or I have no control over anything, not even myself. I don't have control over the thoughts in my head or the actions that I make. I got called down to the princpal's office yesterday and for some reason when I was talking to her I started to cry and I just told her everything that I was feeling. She knows that I have some kind of problem beause last year I had some kind of nervous breakdown in school and my dad had to come pick me up. And then a couple days later they told my dad to come to a meeting with all my teachers there plus the nurse, and the principal and they talked about me and how I take medication and that I was going to go on some kind of plan where all the teachers I have had to not be so hard on me and let things go like when I turn in things late and stuff. I thought it ws kewl at first then I realized that they have to actually treat me differently and I all wanted was to be like everyone else and not have problems. Anyways so back to what I was talking about...when I started to cry in the principals office I felt like I just broke down because I was so tired of having no emotion. She ended up calling my mom and talking to her and then my mom called my doctor and I went to go see her yesterday. Once again I started to cry in front of the doctor and explaining how its so hard to live life when I am always worrying and planning out every single thing I do. It just never stops. I also feel as if I am losing my friends because of the way that I have been feeling lately. And that makes it so much worse because friends are so important to me. But I don't think they understand that I am sick...I have a disease that can only be treated with medication and since I haven't taken my medication in a long time I have really gone in a downward spiral and I have lost touch with reality...I have lost myself. The doctor said I could be bi-polar but I am nevr like really super super happy and then get really sad all of a sudden I am just sad all the time. They gave me this new medication called Lexapro but the doctor still isn't sure about what exactly I have. Because the doctor called me later on that night saying she consulted with another doctor and they think I may have obsessive compulsive disorder. I am just not too sure but I must have scared the doctor with the way I was talking because it sounded like it was urgent that she told me I may have OCD and plus she actually talked about it with another doctor. I hope this new medication takes away these constant thoughts and this terrible feeling I have and if it doesn't I just give up.