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Oct 25, 2006 08:39

I should be, and usually am, very happy. I have...everything I could possibly want. Friends, things to do, people who love me, people who need me, a safe place to live, food, a job, schoolwork that I love. I stay up late at night reading, feel miserable, and then have to remind myself that after all I love reading, and I should be glad to do it, even at 2:30 am. On my way to preschool I feel frustrated that I can't use that time to study, and then I get there and little children smile and say "Hi Jeshka" and run to give me a hug and it's hard to wish that away. Even Hillel, which I've in some ways come to dread because I don't feel like I'm doing anything for it anymore and I can't do anything more, having no time, even Hillel makes me happy much of the time, being with people who care about the same things as me, exerting leadership, working together, really helping other people to explore their identities, or at least trying to.
And sometimes I am sad.
Last night I came home from the movie for Hebrew, sat on Daniel's bed, and cried. There was a scene in a movie in which an estranged daughter and her mother gave each other a hug, and that made me cry. I don't see my parents really any less than I used to, but something about our very short conversations, and the alienness of everything that they talk about because it is in a place that I have never been makes me feel so isolated from them and makes me miss them the way I did the second time I went to girl scout camp, when I spent the whole week crying and staring at the letters Rebecca, Mom, and Dad had sent me. Doesn't help that I never talk to Rebecca because neither of us have the time. I have the time to call her, but I don't have the time to listen to everything she has to tell me. I want to be there for her but I can't be supportive until I can let go of my own time-bound restrictions and just say "no homework today, Rebecca is more important' but even if I were to say that she, who is grading papers, writing lesson plans, reading for class, cannot. Not that I really know what she is doing, as I never talk to her.
So that makes me sad. But I guess mostly I'm happy. I'm writing this entry while in my pajamas in a toasty warm bedroom at the start of a fresh new day where I will be able to learn and learn and learn, which is wonderful and was always my favorite thing, even if I sometimes have trouble remembering that. Ted's still here, thank goodness, providing me all the reminders of home and of my child-self that I suppose I really need, and Daniel's here too which makes all the difference.
O, my friends. Even though I see you rarely, can I begin to say how much it helps me just to know that you exist? Even when I haven't seen you in weeks, or have only seen you in passing, sometimes it is the mere idea of you, the knowledge that you are here somewhere, being wonderful as you always are, that keeps me going. I have never been so thankful in all my life as I am for you women with your heads held high even though sometimes tormented by sadness, fear, longing. You women with the bright smiles, who walked into my lives and will never walk out of it even if we never again have an extended conversation. Not that I think we won't, because of course we will. I love you and will always love you and somehow that will make everything work out in the end, I think.
College is hard. There's so much to do that there is little time to be a person. I miss down time and movies and chats and coffee with a friend. Do people do this? Can we? And if so, when? (I am free tonight after 6 so give me a call if you are, too. Even if you want to study together because you can't spare a moment, I'm definately up for that too)
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