(no subject)
i think alot of the reason you always feel alone is because the things you freak out/obsess over are things that most other people are struggling with too, and it's hard to tell you that none of it is unique or even worth freaking out over at all. being single is not the horror you're making it out to be, you forget that most other people are usually single too, and that noone wants to hear that you want to die because you are single, it makes them think they should be suicidal over it too. noone wants to be the one to set you off. you say you want people to tell the truth than you freak out and get angry/stay upset at them when they do. you constantly beg for help and then say nobody can help you. how do you think it makes me feel to read everything you write knowing that i can't help you because i can't date you? then why do you let people read it, if they can't help? it's torturous and most people have ALOT to deal with in their normal lives, just as much as you do if not more. maybe you should accept this as a faze that everybody goes through (they do) instead of constantly hitting the panic alarm about it. and even writing this trying to help i feel nervous because you would hate me for feeling this way...you shouldn't though. i don't hate you for feeling the way you do, as much as it hurts me. the difference is that i'm not threatening suicide if you don't make ME feel better. if i wrote "my friend is really depressed, there's nothing i can do, i want to kill myself"...how would you feel about it?---------------------------------------------------------------
Since this journal creates more heartache for others than myself, it seems, I'm done. I though this could be the one place I could let go, and not worry about being judged, but apparently my depression is wearing off on people. And we can't have that now, can we?
Please, PLEASE make judgments over my depression. Because I know you ALL live inside my head 24/7, have shared every experience I have, and known exactly how I feel at all moments. Please tell me I'm only depressed because I'm single. And guess what? I think all you OTHER single people should be suicidal, too! Join me in this little cult I'm trying to form. You guessed it - that was my plan all along. I get YOU so sad that YOU want to take YOUR life, too!!!!! Gosh, don't worry about any of your old feelings being valid anymore (they aren't) and just join me in my little pity parade. Enough drama for you and your momma!!! In fact, I provide one free jump off of any parking garage at Vanderbilt (Sorry, only one per member)!
I wish I could say I'm not upset someone anonymously told me over FACEBOOK that my problems aren't any bigger than anyone else's...but I can't. You, anonymous, don't feel my pain. You never have, you never will. How dare you say that I shouldn't be hurt or depressed because other people have problems worse than myself? My one problem is I can't not care about other people and here you go comparing me ONCE AGAIN to people who can do what I can't...control their emotions. Great.
I have been unhappy since LONG before I met James..yeah, all freshman year of college? The summer before senior year? The END of senior year? The summer before Vandy? No, this depression has been here for a while. In fact, I've had suicidal thoughts since 6th grade. Yeah, there were a few times the only reason I made it through the night was the thought of the PLAY back in Dag, the one place in my life where I've shined and nobody could berate me.
And being single has more meanings than one. Every time I meet a girl whom I think I can let in, trust, she goes off and runs away with a boy. I have had every. single. girl. I've almost ever been friends with do this. Jade, Stephanie, my cousin Sam, Brittany, Jessica, Michelle...the list goes on and on. And honestly, I'm not mad at them anymore for what I thought was betrayal. It's just who they are. I do have friends who have had boys and haven't left me in the dust. A couple very important ones read this. But maybe that is the reason I want to have a boyfriend so desperately. So for once I'M NOT THE ONE WHO IS LEFT. Even my fucking mother would rather take sides and defend my Stepfather than stay with me.
So please, tell me how to control my feelings. Tell me oh master of being single. Please, I'd love to know. Since then, I wouldn't lie awake at night hating myself and everything I've done, I wouldn't hide myself from people I'd like to care about because I'm too afraid of being hurt. I'd gladly not take sleeping pills anymore if I could just NOT WORRY. I hate this.
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I'm glad you know me so well that you feel you can actually talk to me about this. I'm only guessing you're one of my "special" livejournal friends, since nobody else really knows what I think about anything, save those select few. It does hurt that you as a friend couldn't come right out and tell me, maybe you have, and I haven't listened.
And if you HAVE been reading, I think you will see that a lot of these suicidal thoughts are NOT just because I am "single". Yes, it hurts when the other sex doesn't even admit you EXIST, let alone date you, but in the past year and a half I have dealt with the death of a friend, the death of my grandmother, my father kicking me out, forcing me to pay for Vanderbilt, my grandfather is now in the hospital and the one boy who has noticed me at Vanderbilt has not only lead me on once, but twice. And the people who I thought I could trust at school, well, they turned out to be more selfish than me. Which is saying a lot these days. It's not because I'm single...it's because I'm UNWANTED. My mother has told me plenty of times that she never wanted me and hated me as a child. Now I am reclusive and unable to truly let most people in. I believe I am fucked for life. That is why I'm sad. That is why I want to end all this. Not because one boy didn't want me.
Sorry if my not being able to handle life as perfectly as you has affected you. Do you think I ENJOY feeling this way? Honestly? Do you think I want to panic every time I feel worried or upset or alone or depressed? NO. And saying other people deal with as much or more in their lives means shit. Everybody reacts to situations differently. You have no idea what has happened to me previously in life to cause how I think or emote now.
I write in my LJ because it makes me feel like I have some connection to the outside world. If you don't want to read it, de-friend me. Only after I write do I calm down. And that fact that others can know my pain helps. It helps in the feeling that others hurt, too. Not at my expense, but in general. I'm glad this is a phase I've been going through for more than 4 years now. I'm glad that one-fifth of my life has been just a "phase".
And honestly, if you wanted to take your life because I'm suicidal, I'd basically tell you, that's your choice. I've had enough of people telling me what I can and can't do with my own body that I've decided it's every person for themselves in that matter. I would discourage you, but I would never say that you can't. People told me in October, and then in November, that life gets better. Yeah...it got peachy keen afterwards. My family ripped apart because I was so unhappy. More guilt. And if you honestly hated me because I was unhappy, then you're not really worth anything, are you?
I would appreciate it if you would just tell me who you are. For someone whom I considered a close friend, I feel hurt that you couldn't tell me this helpful information in an e-mail. It's a lot easier to stomach something from a friend when it is meant to be helpful than an anonymous person over fucking Facebook. And, believe it or not, I am trying. I'm on meds, I see a psychologist, I exercise. I don't even really drink anymore. And guess what? Nothing has helped. They don't make special bypasses for sad people like they do for the morbidly obese. Obsessive thoughts just don't go away.
There is a reason most times that those really awful entries don't allow comments, mainly because I don't want pity. I just want understanding. I am now not going to post anymore, at least not publicly. If you wish to remain a friend, you'll have to actually reach out and talk to me in the real world.
Goodbye.-----------------------------------------
And that goodbye is for all of this. I'm sorry but I can't really handle more guilt for being sad anymore. True, some of you have tried to help, and I do appreciate the efforts. But I'm done. This livejournal will no longer be in service for friends.