My newly applied nail polish is chipping.
So my birthday came and went. I'm 19. But do I actually feel older? No. I just feel more immature. Ha. But I guess I couldn't have expected too much. I'm only me, after all. And this is only my life. Nothing spectacular or important. Either one.
Finals and stuff are this week. I'm really glad I don't have any comprehensive finals, but sad that I don't have anything until Friday morning. If that test was moved up, I could be out of here real early. But I have to finish my take-home question for my Social Problems test. Then I can go home. And work next week. Is it a bad thing when I'd rather be any where but here?
I'm really kind of sick of this. The smallest things are annoying me. I just got back from break, and usually it takes me at least two weeks to grow tired of people again. But this time it was a record-setting 24 hours. Like, today, the girls went to supper without telling me they were going. And then they did even bother to tell me they had already eaten. Um...okay. Maybe in the grad scheme of things it's not that big of a deal. But understand...it's the principle of the thing. It so rude to leave someone hanging...to ditch them without even giving them the courtesy of letting them know they're being ditched! I try my best to make sure everyone is included in stuff. I do not purposely leave people hanging. So you would think that I would be shown the same kindness. NOT THE CASE.
It's just annoying and frustrating and whatever. And they don't understand why I would be upset. Wouldn't they???
I don't know where I'm supposed to be right now. I don't know where I want to be. I don't know who I am, or who I want to be. And if I knew, would I be happy with that? No. I feel bipolar. I was so happy earlier today. The weather is gorgeous. We were outside for like, two or three hours. Just hanging out. I don't have to study heavy duty for anything.
And now I just feel like imploding and taking my life out with me. The only thing I'm certain of right now is that I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing. I'm certain I'm afraid; I'm afraid I'm going to fail in life; I'm afraid of living, scared I'll screw up. I don't want to screw up because I'll disappoint myself. And everyone else. I can't forget about everyone else and what they think of me, because that's what keeps me going. I keep me going. I can't forget about them. Because they are inside of me, constantly. Reminding me. I'm inside of me, not allowing them to go away. I think I like them.
My mom told me weeks ago that she was glad she had her daughter back. That she had a happy daughter. I was trying to work up the courage to tell her I'm not. That there are times where I just shut down...I'm not happy. I'm nothing. I'm just there. You see me, but there's no one on the inside. I can't tell her now. I'd disappoint her. And that's something I just can't do. I think I'll kill myself trying to please everyone else. Trying to prove to myself that this is who I want to be. That this is who I am.
I want to talk to someone, but I'm so mad at most of them right now. They have their own crap. They have their own people to lean on. They are too busy studying and living. I'm too busy pretending I'm living. Putting on a life mask to hide what I really am. And if they asked me, and I knew they ACTUALLY cared. I would still keep the mask on. I think sometimes it's better to hide what you are and have people love you for that than to remove the mask and reveal the hideous, mutilated dysfunctionality that lies beneath.
At least I think I do.