(no subject)
ARRRGHHH!
It's all so overwhelming isn't it... decision-making?
I just.. don't know what I want.. and I hate that. I like to be goal-oriented. And I hate that right now when I look forward into the distance, all I see is one giant question mark staring back at me. Realistically.. I can't go back. Nothing is as it was, and won't ever be again. But at this point.. I'm afraid of putting one foot in front of the other, because I don't know where I am going to end up.
And I am just so sick of talking about it or thinking about it. I sound like a broken record.. waiting for somebody to fall from the sky, look me in the eye and say "You! You do this!" somebody who can just come along and say... "I've got it! Here's what you should do. And here's how you do it."
I just feel like I look around and I never say, "THAT! That's it! That's the job I want to do! That's it for me!!" It's always this elusive idea of a thing... that I can catch glimpses of.. that I have a vague impression of.. that I can't name but I know it when its there. How do you chase something like that?
I don't think I have the confidence to chase something down. The balls to say, nope... I'm going to do this cuz I need to do this, cuz this is what fits me.. and I don't care what I have to do to get there. I wish I could just fast forward five years and look at myself. Just to see what I am doing and if I am happy.
Why do people think I can do this, more than I do?
It's all so overwhelming isn't it... decision-making?
I just.. don't know what I want.. and I hate that. I like to be goal-oriented. And I hate that right now when I look forward into the distance, all I see is one giant question mark staring back at me. Realistically.. I can't go back. Nothing is as it was, and won't ever be again. But at this point.. I'm afraid of putting one foot in front of the other, because I don't know where I am going to end up.
And I am just so sick of talking about it or thinking about it. I sound like a broken record.. waiting for somebody to fall from the sky, look me in the eye and say "You! You do this!" somebody who can just come along and say... "I've got it! Here's what you should do. And here's how you do it."
I just feel like I look around and I never say, "THAT! That's it! That's the job I want to do! That's it for me!!" It's always this elusive idea of a thing... that I can catch glimpses of.. that I have a vague impression of.. that I can't name but I know it when its there. How do you chase something like that?
I don't think I have the confidence to chase something down. The balls to say, nope... I'm going to do this cuz I need to do this, cuz this is what fits me.. and I don't care what I have to do to get there. I wish I could just fast forward five years and look at myself. Just to see what I am doing and if I am happy.
Why do people think I can do this, more than I do?