(no subject)
Its hard to decide if I've got this sinking feeling because I think that everyone is disappointed in me.. or if it's just me disappointed in myself.
I always do this.. second-guess my choices.. spend hours of time and energy on shouldas and couldas. I like to let other people decide how things should go.. because if I am the one to make the choice and fail... well.. nobody likes how that feels.
Is this the right place for me? My gut says "no" but I've been thinking to myself... that maybe I don't want this to work. Maybe I don't want this to fit. I want to be miserable...
I remember at UNI, my first year.. i hated it.. I mean if you would have asked me on a good day I would have said it was horrible.... but the truth is that I never really gave it a chance. I missed my friends and my family and I let myself get caught up in the bullshit of Gen-Eds and the frustration of too much time with people I don't like and I never really tried to make good friends. I blew people off and missed out on chances because I didn't want to be friends with anybody there.
So when I catch myself here... blowing people off.. writing them off for really small things.. it makes me wonder.. am I setting myself up to fail? Am I ruining chances here? Am I really trying? And without a doubt.. i know the answer is NO. I'm not trying. I am setting myself up to fail.. and I am ruining chances.
I had a good gig in IC. Good friends.. who built me up and made me feel good about myself.. my family was close.. school was on "coast" and a town that I enjoyed living in..
I don't like how I have been behaving. I don't like what I've been doing. So.... now what?
I always do this.. second-guess my choices.. spend hours of time and energy on shouldas and couldas. I like to let other people decide how things should go.. because if I am the one to make the choice and fail... well.. nobody likes how that feels.
Is this the right place for me? My gut says "no" but I've been thinking to myself... that maybe I don't want this to work. Maybe I don't want this to fit. I want to be miserable...
I remember at UNI, my first year.. i hated it.. I mean if you would have asked me on a good day I would have said it was horrible.... but the truth is that I never really gave it a chance. I missed my friends and my family and I let myself get caught up in the bullshit of Gen-Eds and the frustration of too much time with people I don't like and I never really tried to make good friends. I blew people off and missed out on chances because I didn't want to be friends with anybody there.
So when I catch myself here... blowing people off.. writing them off for really small things.. it makes me wonder.. am I setting myself up to fail? Am I ruining chances here? Am I really trying? And without a doubt.. i know the answer is NO. I'm not trying. I am setting myself up to fail.. and I am ruining chances.
I had a good gig in IC. Good friends.. who built me up and made me feel good about myself.. my family was close.. school was on "coast" and a town that I enjoyed living in..
I don't like how I have been behaving. I don't like what I've been doing. So.... now what?