(no subject)
ok this is a huge freaking HUGE entry -well in my opinion- that I wrote a while ago.
I need to get it out.
ok it is time for the huge entry i've been meaning to do since forever ago but I never got upto doing. so here goes nothing. literally.
so while I was listening to the remake of the beginning song of rocky I re- fell in love with the dresden dolls while reading amanda's diary. such long entries... but anyways. I heard that they were thinking about cancelling the british tour so I kinda got upset. but I think it's being in the house for so long with practically no human contact that's
getting to me and making me feel so melancholy. anyways, last night I did a little mind inventory [as crazy as it is to say] and I remembered all the things that I said I would do but I never actually got to. like this summer I was supposed to go visit jason in california [newly
widowed] and he used to be my rock when I was little. that and go visit his sister in new york for a couple of weeks which, obviously, did not
happen this time. next summer though I swear I will not be satisfied if I have to stay in this hellhole another summer. and I didn't accomplish anything this summer anyway... like I wanted to finish that book that I started to write which didn't happen but will eventually happne. I need to find my muse, that's all.
but anyways, i'm just disappointed in myself for so many reasons and I can't believe I act so emo all the fucking time but it's just so weird to see the person that i've become. I mean I lost fucking 20 pounds over the summer which is awesome since I lost it all at once and I look
alot better and I feel so much better so altogether it's been a great summer... but there is so many things that have been disappointed this summer. goddamnit I had almost finished downloading that song but now I've gotta restart but that's ok.
so the beginning of this summer was filled with changes... such as the withdrawls I was having for not having somebody to be with (after mallory and I's breakup) and then getting used to somebody new, being kristen. then more changes. so to say that there was nothing that happened this summer would be wrong of me and i'd be betraying myself. but just seeing everybody fly past me on the edge of their seat and me setting here... not moving anywhere... just depresses me. then being diagnosed hypermobile and then dad finding a job... then losing it was so disappointing. I probably shouldn't complain because I would rather be here doing all the things I do instead of starving in aids ridden africa, but sometimes I really wonder whether or not it's really worth it. of course it is what am I saying.
just today adam wanted something and I tried to explain to him that we needed a bigger bottle of water in order for him to be able to do it... and he punched me twice in my face and kicked me right in front of my father, and my dad egged him on. and I shouldn't have to be the parent in this situation, but if i'm not, then who will? he needs somebody to take care of him, and if it's got to be me then it's gotta be me. i'm just so sick of not being able to get the medication that I need because adam wants something or he demands payment from the fucking tooth fairy. sometimes it just doesnt' seem fair at all. [if I make it seem like my life is over, know this: it's all put in perspective]
god just sometimes it seems like there's nobody there to talk with when I need them [although that's bullshit and I know there is] I just can't talk to anybody about stuff that's going on in my head... it's not that I won't it's that I can't put it into a way that I can express it to another human. all my thoughts on religion, life, the person I want to be.... are stuck up there in my head. I can't express them.
it's amazing how many things about life you can learn from a stupid movie.
ok now onto my mother. she has rheumatoid arthritis. for those of you who don't know, it's where your joints inflame and spread your bones apart a bit then they deteriorate. she has to have remicade injections every 6 weeks or so otherwise she is in great pain. so on top of all of the chores I normally do I get the stuff that she does too... like business phone calls, bills, etc. and lately she hasn't given me a thank you or anything for any of the things I do... so it's like i'm expected to do it. and I guess I deserve that for having it so easy earlier in life. but when adam was born there were so many things that we couldn't have anymore and so many things we couldn't do... and it's almost like when he came out of the hospital the first day [I was seven years old mind you] I fixed his bottles, I burped him, I changed his diapers. the only thing my mom had to do was put him in his crib and breast feedhim which isn't hard at all I don't think.
speaking of my mother and all the things she DOESN'T do, I guess now I should focus on the things that she does do. she works as a chef at a nursing home, full time of course, when she shouldn't be working at all because of her arthritis. she's the only one that's been working for 3 years because my dad is so prejudice that he won't get a job anywhere where there are black, jewish, or gay people. so I can understand why there are many things she won't or cannot do.
but there is one thing I will never forgive my mother for.
well maybe I should start with the way that kristen and I's relationship started out. I plain out asked her out after we got to know each other and everything was ok but she decided to drink. I know it's hypocritcal of me to say that I don't want somebody to drink, but there are special circumstances. I just had so many things on my mind at that time that her and ben adn erika drinking was definately one thing that I did not need and I major big time overreacted and broke up with her. things between her and I were still a bit iffy and flirtatious and we started going out again. in all honesty, I was extremely iffy about going back out with kristen after all that time of being single and flirtatious not only with her but also exploring my horizons with others but this time it was never awkward this time only romantic and exploratory like exploring our horizons and getting comfortable with one another even though we haven't seen each other in a while.
but- there's a catch. as always.
I dated a boy in seventh grade named trey. I didn't really like him and when we broke up, he was very sad and bitter. he moved and we lost touch completely. well, when he contacted me again, he confessedhow much he was in love with me. me, the unwieldly and stupid child I was I told my mother. so now every once and a while when he calls or talks to me my mother practically shoves me out the door with him so I can go out with him. god I don't like him in the least but she doesn't understand that at all. it's some validations of my sexuality if i'm not going out with a boy at any given time and she'll accuse me of being a lesbian which i'm not denying but christ why can't she just accept me for who I am? she was accepted when she was a kid and I don't care if my father disowns me when I tell him. I thought that my mom was always going to back me up but when I brought up that I could be bisexual, she told me that she would be very disappointed which is the worst thing a mother can say.
but god I don't want to lead him on and I feel horrid for going against all that I stand for, but let me put it this way. if I tell my mother that I don't want to date trey anymore, that could be the end of seeing kristen or ben at all. so I explained the situation to ben and kristen last night, and ben said that I should tell my mother we are dating. oh shit. I've alreayd told my mother ben is gay which she believes, but i dont' want to lie to my mother anymore. christ my life is full of contradictions isn't it?
I need to get it out.
ok it is time for the huge entry i've been meaning to do since forever ago but I never got upto doing. so here goes nothing. literally.
so while I was listening to the remake of the beginning song of rocky I re- fell in love with the dresden dolls while reading amanda's diary. such long entries... but anyways. I heard that they were thinking about cancelling the british tour so I kinda got upset. but I think it's being in the house for so long with practically no human contact that's
getting to me and making me feel so melancholy. anyways, last night I did a little mind inventory [as crazy as it is to say] and I remembered all the things that I said I would do but I never actually got to. like this summer I was supposed to go visit jason in california [newly
widowed] and he used to be my rock when I was little. that and go visit his sister in new york for a couple of weeks which, obviously, did not
happen this time. next summer though I swear I will not be satisfied if I have to stay in this hellhole another summer. and I didn't accomplish anything this summer anyway... like I wanted to finish that book that I started to write which didn't happen but will eventually happne. I need to find my muse, that's all.
but anyways, i'm just disappointed in myself for so many reasons and I can't believe I act so emo all the fucking time but it's just so weird to see the person that i've become. I mean I lost fucking 20 pounds over the summer which is awesome since I lost it all at once and I look
alot better and I feel so much better so altogether it's been a great summer... but there is so many things that have been disappointed this summer. goddamnit I had almost finished downloading that song but now I've gotta restart but that's ok.
so the beginning of this summer was filled with changes... such as the withdrawls I was having for not having somebody to be with (after mallory and I's breakup) and then getting used to somebody new, being kristen. then more changes. so to say that there was nothing that happened this summer would be wrong of me and i'd be betraying myself. but just seeing everybody fly past me on the edge of their seat and me setting here... not moving anywhere... just depresses me. then being diagnosed hypermobile and then dad finding a job... then losing it was so disappointing. I probably shouldn't complain because I would rather be here doing all the things I do instead of starving in aids ridden africa, but sometimes I really wonder whether or not it's really worth it. of course it is what am I saying.
just today adam wanted something and I tried to explain to him that we needed a bigger bottle of water in order for him to be able to do it... and he punched me twice in my face and kicked me right in front of my father, and my dad egged him on. and I shouldn't have to be the parent in this situation, but if i'm not, then who will? he needs somebody to take care of him, and if it's got to be me then it's gotta be me. i'm just so sick of not being able to get the medication that I need because adam wants something or he demands payment from the fucking tooth fairy. sometimes it just doesnt' seem fair at all. [if I make it seem like my life is over, know this: it's all put in perspective]
god just sometimes it seems like there's nobody there to talk with when I need them [although that's bullshit and I know there is] I just can't talk to anybody about stuff that's going on in my head... it's not that I won't it's that I can't put it into a way that I can express it to another human. all my thoughts on religion, life, the person I want to be.... are stuck up there in my head. I can't express them.
it's amazing how many things about life you can learn from a stupid movie.
ok now onto my mother. she has rheumatoid arthritis. for those of you who don't know, it's where your joints inflame and spread your bones apart a bit then they deteriorate. she has to have remicade injections every 6 weeks or so otherwise she is in great pain. so on top of all of the chores I normally do I get the stuff that she does too... like business phone calls, bills, etc. and lately she hasn't given me a thank you or anything for any of the things I do... so it's like i'm expected to do it. and I guess I deserve that for having it so easy earlier in life. but when adam was born there were so many things that we couldn't have anymore and so many things we couldn't do... and it's almost like when he came out of the hospital the first day [I was seven years old mind you] I fixed his bottles, I burped him, I changed his diapers. the only thing my mom had to do was put him in his crib and breast feedhim which isn't hard at all I don't think.
speaking of my mother and all the things she DOESN'T do, I guess now I should focus on the things that she does do. she works as a chef at a nursing home, full time of course, when she shouldn't be working at all because of her arthritis. she's the only one that's been working for 3 years because my dad is so prejudice that he won't get a job anywhere where there are black, jewish, or gay people. so I can understand why there are many things she won't or cannot do.
but there is one thing I will never forgive my mother for.
well maybe I should start with the way that kristen and I's relationship started out. I plain out asked her out after we got to know each other and everything was ok but she decided to drink. I know it's hypocritcal of me to say that I don't want somebody to drink, but there are special circumstances. I just had so many things on my mind at that time that her and ben adn erika drinking was definately one thing that I did not need and I major big time overreacted and broke up with her. things between her and I were still a bit iffy and flirtatious and we started going out again. in all honesty, I was extremely iffy about going back out with kristen after all that time of being single and flirtatious not only with her but also exploring my horizons with others but this time it was never awkward this time only romantic and exploratory like exploring our horizons and getting comfortable with one another even though we haven't seen each other in a while.
but- there's a catch. as always.
I dated a boy in seventh grade named trey. I didn't really like him and when we broke up, he was very sad and bitter. he moved and we lost touch completely. well, when he contacted me again, he confessedhow much he was in love with me. me, the unwieldly and stupid child I was I told my mother. so now every once and a while when he calls or talks to me my mother practically shoves me out the door with him so I can go out with him. god I don't like him in the least but she doesn't understand that at all. it's some validations of my sexuality if i'm not going out with a boy at any given time and she'll accuse me of being a lesbian which i'm not denying but christ why can't she just accept me for who I am? she was accepted when she was a kid and I don't care if my father disowns me when I tell him. I thought that my mom was always going to back me up but when I brought up that I could be bisexual, she told me that she would be very disappointed which is the worst thing a mother can say.
but god I don't want to lead him on and I feel horrid for going against all that I stand for, but let me put it this way. if I tell my mother that I don't want to date trey anymore, that could be the end of seeing kristen or ben at all. so I explained the situation to ben and kristen last night, and ben said that I should tell my mother we are dating. oh shit. I've alreayd told my mother ben is gay which she believes, but i dont' want to lie to my mother anymore. christ my life is full of contradictions isn't it?