Fic: Broken
Title: Broken
Pairing: Frank/Dwayne
Rating: R
Warnings: (implied) underage, incest; language, masturbation, ANGST
Summary: Being apart is the hardest thing they've ever had to do (Two timelines; before and after Frank moves out.)
Disclaimer: LMS is not mine
A/N: I know this one is sad, but it'll be happier next time :)
Dwayne cannot sleep.
Two weeks have passed since Frank moved out and he can’t fall asleep alone in his room. He does everything he can think of to fight the insomnia, but nothing works without the presence of a warm, living person beside him. It feels so empty. There's no arm draped over his side, no weight of body pressed closely to him, not even the quiet sound of breathing from a few feet away where the cot used to be. Just silence. Sometimes, when drowsiness does finally begin to take him over, he remembers Frank is gone and jolts back to where he was-alone in the dark.
“Dwayne,” Frank says, “you knew this day would come. You knew I was going to have to move out sooner or later.”
Dwayne doesn't look directly at Frank. His voice shakes when he replies. “I-I know, but…you found work, so why don’t you just stay with us a little longer? You always complained that you felt like you were freeloading off us, so now you won’t.”
Frank sighs. He knew this would be painful, but it's even worse than he imagined. Nothing could ever prepare him for this. “Come on, kid. You know it’s not that simple. I've stayed here longer than I had any right to. Richard and your Mom have already lent me the deposit for the new apartment. I can't ask them for anything more. Every minute I'd be here longer than I should I would be overstaying my welcome. You can visit me any time, you know. It’s not even that far from here.”
Tears begin to well up in the boy's eyes. “Yeah. That’s just fucking perfect.”
“Oh, Dwayne, please don’t be upset, Frank pleads. “I know it won’t be easy, but I promise, I’ll talk to you whenever I can. Just give me a few weeks to settle in, two months at the most.”
“Two months?” Dwayne shouts in disbelief. “Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Well, the longer we're apart…the more it'll seem like…nothing happened."
“Right, and then you can just forget about me and end everything because 'nothing happened,' right?”
“No, Dwayne. Listen-”
Dwayne seethes through a sob, “Fuck you!” and turns to storm off to his room.
Frank runs after him. He calls out, “Dwayne, wait! Dwayne, please…” but the door slams in his face. “Dwayne,” he begs. “Please, let me talk to you.” His own eyes fill with tears. “Dwayne? Please?”
Silence.
After Frank movies out, Dwayne stops speaking again. Not completely, but he rarely says more than yes or no. There is no vow this time, just an open refusal to communicate. When he comes home from school, he goes directly to his room and shuts the door, leaving only when necessary. With the first vow, Sheryl and Richard became resigned to it once it was clear Dwayne was seriously committed. They learned to peacefully accommodate to the circumstances. This time, however, seems different, but no matter how much Sheryl pleads for an explanation, Dwayne refuses to say a word.
Most nights, he cries himself to sleep, spent from sobbing. He holds his pillow tightly, hiding his face in it, muffling his cries, and staining it with his tears. It doesn’t fill the emptiness. He recalls all the things they did, even though it hurts to think of them and it only makes him cry harder.
He lies awake and hugs himself, sliding his hands all over his own body, pretending they’re someone else's. His fingers come up to touch his lips, trembling because of his tears and not with the anticipation of being kissed like they once did. None of it comes close. He whispers a name into the dark void, as though someone were there. But there is only silence.
When he can’t take it anymore, he reaches into his shorts and masturbates urgently, releasing his frustration rather than doing it for any pleasure. It doesn’t bring him any. He tries to take himself to a past moment of their shared ecstasy, when it was Frank bringing it to him, but it doesn’t help. He keeps trying, just to get it over with, sweaty, panting, exhausted, until he finally comes through his tears, no more fulfilled than he was before. When it’s over, he lies, shaking, and then curls up into a ball and falls asleep, only to wake up hours later in an empty room.
Frank waits for Dwayne's anger to subside and makes another attempt to talk to him. He turns the knob to on the door to Dwayne’s room and finds it unlocked. Carefully, he opens the door and steps in, seeing Dwayne in bed. Dwayne would have heard him, so every step Frank takes further in without being told to leave is a relief.
“Dwayne?”
“Yeah?” comes the quiet reply. Dwayne’s face is half-hidden in his pillow.
“If you still don’t want to speak to me, I’ll leave, but I need another chance to talk to you about this.”
The teen sits up. “Alright.” His eyes are still red and swollen from crying.
Frank sits down next to him. “Dwayne, I don’t want to leave this place with you hating me or feeling abandoned. I’m not going to forget about you. I swear.”
The boy feels himself starting to cry again. As hard as he tries, he can't stop the tears from spilling.“You can say that now, but what about later on, when your life is all back on track? You won’t need me, then, anymore.”
The older man sighs, saddened by the boy’s words. “Dwayne, come on. How can you even say that? What have I ever done to make you think that? Name one thing. You act like I’m going to dump you as soon as I’m out the door. Do I really think, after everything I've been through, that I would ever do the same to you, or anyone else, for that matter? Why don’t you show some faith in me, for once?”
“I-I’m sorry, Frank,” the boy says, wiping his eyes. “I just…”
Frank gently takes the boy's hand. “You're scared; I know. But, please, trust me. Haven’t I told you what you mean to me? How much I love you? Believe me, I know what it's like when someone stops caring about you. I know what it's like when someone moves on and you're left behind, in the same place. Nothing hurts more when you no longer matter to someone. It's the loneliest feeling of all. It hurts like hell, Dwayne. I almost killed myself over it. After all that, do you think I could ever do the same thing to you? What can I do to finally convince you, Dwayne?”
“No, I believe you. I do. I don’t know, I just…I can’t imagine why you’d still want me after you go.”
“Because I love you, like I just said a second ago? What else can I tell you, Dwayne? I'd rather kill myself for good than hurt you.”
“I didn’t mean it like that, Frank.”
“It’s OK. I understand. This is a lot for you, for both of us… Hey, hey, don’t cry. Don’t cry, Dwayne… You know what? Let’s do this: you decide when this is over. Just you.”
Dwayne looks at Frank with amazement. “Me?”
“Yes, you. I think it’s the only fair way.”
“Really? That’s kind of weird, though. Out of the two of us, you’re letting the kid make the decision?”
“Well, since you are the kid, which of us do you think is going to take this worse? Though, I might be wrong, given my track record. When you’ve grown up and you’ve decided you don’t need me anymore, I’ll accept your decision and just…walk away. I’ve learned from all the times I screwed up. I’ll do whatever it takes to convince you. Because you’re worth the effort.” Frank twines their fingers together. “Deal?”
“Okay, Frank. Deal. But don’t expect it to be any time soon.”
Frank smiles. “I was hoping you’d say that.”
Frank wants to pick up the phone and make the call, but he can’t. More than half of the boxes with his things are still unpacked. Each time he empties one, it should bring him closer to feeling like he’s home, but instead, it feels like a step farther away from Dwayne. Once they’re all unloaded and he has both feet planted in this new place, it should be like starting fresh and closing the door on his old life. But, he left too big enough part of himself with Dwayne to ever completely move on. All the things he salvaged from his old place, all the little personal touches, the old books he’s kept for decades, none of those make it feel like home. It still feels incomplete.
He made a promise to Dwayne, and he intends on keeping his word, no matter what. If only he had any conception of how the boy possibly fits into his new life. And yet, he feels inconsolably empty without him, like the part he left behind had been carved out of him and made a wound that refused to heal.
Everything seems so much like a betrayal, like the abandonment he promised he’d never inflict, as though he did leave his nephew behind, alone in a dark sea of uncertainty with nothing but mere words to keep him from drowning. Frank knows he has to keep it together to move forward, to keep going despite the pain, but the guilt consumes him, and it piles on more every day.
There’s no hiding from the past, though. The thing any sensible person would have done already-end the relationship so they can lead normal, unburdened lives-is the last choice he’d make. He can’t, not just because he swore, but because it would completely devastate Dwayne, and Frank can make no guarantee, even to himself, that he would not do something to himself knowing it was his fault. The boy had permanently woven himself into the very fabric of his soul and he let it happen. Frank could run away to the ends of the earth and he’d never be able to lose the sound of his laugh or the vulnerable longing in his ever-sad eyes.
He can't sleep, either. The guilt won't let him. It gnaws at him every waking minute and gives him a fitful sleep that never lets him feel truly rested. The memories never leave him and he wonders how long he has to fight his own mind and conscience before his sanity breaks again. He thinks it's the least punishment he deserves for everything he has done.
Frank had heard things Dwayne never told anyone else. He had seen facets of him no else had been permitted to see. He held him, let him cry into his shoulder and rocked him to sleep when he couldn’t on his own. So, now, Frank can only imagine the barren cold in which he left him. And he hates himself for it.
“I swear, Dwayne, it’s going to be okay. You just need to believe me. Sometimes…relationships…have setbacks, but it doesn’t have to change them. Call me, write me, anything. Don’t think that just because I won’t be here anymore that we can’t talk to each other. This is temporary, and the distance doesn’t have to separate us altogether. And it’s not going to change the way I feel about you. I don’t think that could happen if I wanted it to, and…I’ve accepted that. I accepted it a long time ago. You won't get rid of me that easy.”
The boy finally allows himself a tiny smile. “So, when we see each other again, is it going to be the same?”
“It will.”
“Promise?”
“Promise. ” Frank puts his arms around Dwayne and hugs him. To his relief, the boy returns the hug. They hold each other tightly, not wanting to let go, knowing it is the first of the last times for a while.
“I love you, Dwayne.” Frank pulls away, but only to give Dwayne a deep, unyielding kiss, sealing his word. The boy returns it, too, with the same fervor. Frank feels fresh tears on his cheeks. This time, they're from both of them.
“I love you, too, Frank.”
Dwayne calls Frank late at night on a prepaid cell when everyone else is asleep. He knows Frank is still awake, too, at this hour.
“Frank, it’s me.”
“Yeah, I know. No one else calls me at 1:00 am. So, how are you holding up?”
“I’m...” Dwayne hesitates. He doesn’t want to worry Frank, but total honesty has always been their rule. “I’m not going to lie. It still fucking sucks without you, here.”
Frank sighs. “I know, Dwayne. I miss you, too. Just give me a little more time and this place will be acceptable for you to visit.”
“Frank, do you really think I care what your apartment looks like? I just want to see you.”
“Yeah, that was kind of a dumb thing to say. Sorry. But, soon, Dwayne. Soon. I promise. See if you can get your mother to let you stay for the weekend once everything is ready.”
Dwayne’s voice breaks. “I will.”
Frank hears it. “Hey, it’s going to be okay. Just wait. We’ll see each other again.”
The boy starts to cry. “Frank I miss you. It sucks so bad without you here. I can’t-I can’t-”
“No, no! Dwayne, please don’t cry. You…You’ll give yourself a headache.”
Dwayne laughs through his tears. “Sorry, I just-I really fucking wish I was with you.”
“Same here kid. Same here,” Frank replies. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, my love. Forgive me. He can’t stand to hear the pain in his nephew’s voice a second longer. “I’m starting to get a little sleepy. You mind if I let you go? You can call again anytime you want, of course.”
“Okay.”
“Try to get some sleep. Good night, Dwayne.”
“I love you, Frank.”
“I love you too, Dwayne. Very much so.”
Pairing: Frank/Dwayne
Rating: R
Warnings: (implied) underage, incest; language, masturbation, ANGST
Summary: Being apart is the hardest thing they've ever had to do (Two timelines; before and after Frank moves out.)
Disclaimer: LMS is not mine
A/N: I know this one is sad, but it'll be happier next time :)
Dwayne cannot sleep.
Two weeks have passed since Frank moved out and he can’t fall asleep alone in his room. He does everything he can think of to fight the insomnia, but nothing works without the presence of a warm, living person beside him. It feels so empty. There's no arm draped over his side, no weight of body pressed closely to him, not even the quiet sound of breathing from a few feet away where the cot used to be. Just silence. Sometimes, when drowsiness does finally begin to take him over, he remembers Frank is gone and jolts back to where he was-alone in the dark.
“Dwayne,” Frank says, “you knew this day would come. You knew I was going to have to move out sooner or later.”
Dwayne doesn't look directly at Frank. His voice shakes when he replies. “I-I know, but…you found work, so why don’t you just stay with us a little longer? You always complained that you felt like you were freeloading off us, so now you won’t.”
Frank sighs. He knew this would be painful, but it's even worse than he imagined. Nothing could ever prepare him for this. “Come on, kid. You know it’s not that simple. I've stayed here longer than I had any right to. Richard and your Mom have already lent me the deposit for the new apartment. I can't ask them for anything more. Every minute I'd be here longer than I should I would be overstaying my welcome. You can visit me any time, you know. It’s not even that far from here.”
Tears begin to well up in the boy's eyes. “Yeah. That’s just fucking perfect.”
“Oh, Dwayne, please don’t be upset, Frank pleads. “I know it won’t be easy, but I promise, I’ll talk to you whenever I can. Just give me a few weeks to settle in, two months at the most.”
“Two months?” Dwayne shouts in disbelief. “Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Well, the longer we're apart…the more it'll seem like…nothing happened."
“Right, and then you can just forget about me and end everything because 'nothing happened,' right?”
“No, Dwayne. Listen-”
Dwayne seethes through a sob, “Fuck you!” and turns to storm off to his room.
Frank runs after him. He calls out, “Dwayne, wait! Dwayne, please…” but the door slams in his face. “Dwayne,” he begs. “Please, let me talk to you.” His own eyes fill with tears. “Dwayne? Please?”
Silence.
After Frank movies out, Dwayne stops speaking again. Not completely, but he rarely says more than yes or no. There is no vow this time, just an open refusal to communicate. When he comes home from school, he goes directly to his room and shuts the door, leaving only when necessary. With the first vow, Sheryl and Richard became resigned to it once it was clear Dwayne was seriously committed. They learned to peacefully accommodate to the circumstances. This time, however, seems different, but no matter how much Sheryl pleads for an explanation, Dwayne refuses to say a word.
Most nights, he cries himself to sleep, spent from sobbing. He holds his pillow tightly, hiding his face in it, muffling his cries, and staining it with his tears. It doesn’t fill the emptiness. He recalls all the things they did, even though it hurts to think of them and it only makes him cry harder.
He lies awake and hugs himself, sliding his hands all over his own body, pretending they’re someone else's. His fingers come up to touch his lips, trembling because of his tears and not with the anticipation of being kissed like they once did. None of it comes close. He whispers a name into the dark void, as though someone were there. But there is only silence.
When he can’t take it anymore, he reaches into his shorts and masturbates urgently, releasing his frustration rather than doing it for any pleasure. It doesn’t bring him any. He tries to take himself to a past moment of their shared ecstasy, when it was Frank bringing it to him, but it doesn’t help. He keeps trying, just to get it over with, sweaty, panting, exhausted, until he finally comes through his tears, no more fulfilled than he was before. When it’s over, he lies, shaking, and then curls up into a ball and falls asleep, only to wake up hours later in an empty room.
Frank waits for Dwayne's anger to subside and makes another attempt to talk to him. He turns the knob to on the door to Dwayne’s room and finds it unlocked. Carefully, he opens the door and steps in, seeing Dwayne in bed. Dwayne would have heard him, so every step Frank takes further in without being told to leave is a relief.
“Dwayne?”
“Yeah?” comes the quiet reply. Dwayne’s face is half-hidden in his pillow.
“If you still don’t want to speak to me, I’ll leave, but I need another chance to talk to you about this.”
The teen sits up. “Alright.” His eyes are still red and swollen from crying.
Frank sits down next to him. “Dwayne, I don’t want to leave this place with you hating me or feeling abandoned. I’m not going to forget about you. I swear.”
The boy feels himself starting to cry again. As hard as he tries, he can't stop the tears from spilling.“You can say that now, but what about later on, when your life is all back on track? You won’t need me, then, anymore.”
The older man sighs, saddened by the boy’s words. “Dwayne, come on. How can you even say that? What have I ever done to make you think that? Name one thing. You act like I’m going to dump you as soon as I’m out the door. Do I really think, after everything I've been through, that I would ever do the same to you, or anyone else, for that matter? Why don’t you show some faith in me, for once?”
“I-I’m sorry, Frank,” the boy says, wiping his eyes. “I just…”
Frank gently takes the boy's hand. “You're scared; I know. But, please, trust me. Haven’t I told you what you mean to me? How much I love you? Believe me, I know what it's like when someone stops caring about you. I know what it's like when someone moves on and you're left behind, in the same place. Nothing hurts more when you no longer matter to someone. It's the loneliest feeling of all. It hurts like hell, Dwayne. I almost killed myself over it. After all that, do you think I could ever do the same thing to you? What can I do to finally convince you, Dwayne?”
“No, I believe you. I do. I don’t know, I just…I can’t imagine why you’d still want me after you go.”
“Because I love you, like I just said a second ago? What else can I tell you, Dwayne? I'd rather kill myself for good than hurt you.”
“I didn’t mean it like that, Frank.”
“It’s OK. I understand. This is a lot for you, for both of us… Hey, hey, don’t cry. Don’t cry, Dwayne… You know what? Let’s do this: you decide when this is over. Just you.”
Dwayne looks at Frank with amazement. “Me?”
“Yes, you. I think it’s the only fair way.”
“Really? That’s kind of weird, though. Out of the two of us, you’re letting the kid make the decision?”
“Well, since you are the kid, which of us do you think is going to take this worse? Though, I might be wrong, given my track record. When you’ve grown up and you’ve decided you don’t need me anymore, I’ll accept your decision and just…walk away. I’ve learned from all the times I screwed up. I’ll do whatever it takes to convince you. Because you’re worth the effort.” Frank twines their fingers together. “Deal?”
“Okay, Frank. Deal. But don’t expect it to be any time soon.”
Frank smiles. “I was hoping you’d say that.”
Frank wants to pick up the phone and make the call, but he can’t. More than half of the boxes with his things are still unpacked. Each time he empties one, it should bring him closer to feeling like he’s home, but instead, it feels like a step farther away from Dwayne. Once they’re all unloaded and he has both feet planted in this new place, it should be like starting fresh and closing the door on his old life. But, he left too big enough part of himself with Dwayne to ever completely move on. All the things he salvaged from his old place, all the little personal touches, the old books he’s kept for decades, none of those make it feel like home. It still feels incomplete.
He made a promise to Dwayne, and he intends on keeping his word, no matter what. If only he had any conception of how the boy possibly fits into his new life. And yet, he feels inconsolably empty without him, like the part he left behind had been carved out of him and made a wound that refused to heal.
Everything seems so much like a betrayal, like the abandonment he promised he’d never inflict, as though he did leave his nephew behind, alone in a dark sea of uncertainty with nothing but mere words to keep him from drowning. Frank knows he has to keep it together to move forward, to keep going despite the pain, but the guilt consumes him, and it piles on more every day.
There’s no hiding from the past, though. The thing any sensible person would have done already-end the relationship so they can lead normal, unburdened lives-is the last choice he’d make. He can’t, not just because he swore, but because it would completely devastate Dwayne, and Frank can make no guarantee, even to himself, that he would not do something to himself knowing it was his fault. The boy had permanently woven himself into the very fabric of his soul and he let it happen. Frank could run away to the ends of the earth and he’d never be able to lose the sound of his laugh or the vulnerable longing in his ever-sad eyes.
He can't sleep, either. The guilt won't let him. It gnaws at him every waking minute and gives him a fitful sleep that never lets him feel truly rested. The memories never leave him and he wonders how long he has to fight his own mind and conscience before his sanity breaks again. He thinks it's the least punishment he deserves for everything he has done.
Frank had heard things Dwayne never told anyone else. He had seen facets of him no else had been permitted to see. He held him, let him cry into his shoulder and rocked him to sleep when he couldn’t on his own. So, now, Frank can only imagine the barren cold in which he left him. And he hates himself for it.
“I swear, Dwayne, it’s going to be okay. You just need to believe me. Sometimes…relationships…have setbacks, but it doesn’t have to change them. Call me, write me, anything. Don’t think that just because I won’t be here anymore that we can’t talk to each other. This is temporary, and the distance doesn’t have to separate us altogether. And it’s not going to change the way I feel about you. I don’t think that could happen if I wanted it to, and…I’ve accepted that. I accepted it a long time ago. You won't get rid of me that easy.”
The boy finally allows himself a tiny smile. “So, when we see each other again, is it going to be the same?”
“It will.”
“Promise?”
“Promise. ” Frank puts his arms around Dwayne and hugs him. To his relief, the boy returns the hug. They hold each other tightly, not wanting to let go, knowing it is the first of the last times for a while.
“I love you, Dwayne.” Frank pulls away, but only to give Dwayne a deep, unyielding kiss, sealing his word. The boy returns it, too, with the same fervor. Frank feels fresh tears on his cheeks. This time, they're from both of them.
“I love you, too, Frank.”
Dwayne calls Frank late at night on a prepaid cell when everyone else is asleep. He knows Frank is still awake, too, at this hour.
“Frank, it’s me.”
“Yeah, I know. No one else calls me at 1:00 am. So, how are you holding up?”
“I’m...” Dwayne hesitates. He doesn’t want to worry Frank, but total honesty has always been their rule. “I’m not going to lie. It still fucking sucks without you, here.”
Frank sighs. “I know, Dwayne. I miss you, too. Just give me a little more time and this place will be acceptable for you to visit.”
“Frank, do you really think I care what your apartment looks like? I just want to see you.”
“Yeah, that was kind of a dumb thing to say. Sorry. But, soon, Dwayne. Soon. I promise. See if you can get your mother to let you stay for the weekend once everything is ready.”
Dwayne’s voice breaks. “I will.”
Frank hears it. “Hey, it’s going to be okay. Just wait. We’ll see each other again.”
The boy starts to cry. “Frank I miss you. It sucks so bad without you here. I can’t-I can’t-”
“No, no! Dwayne, please don’t cry. You…You’ll give yourself a headache.”
Dwayne laughs through his tears. “Sorry, I just-I really fucking wish I was with you.”
“Same here kid. Same here,” Frank replies. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, my love. Forgive me. He can’t stand to hear the pain in his nephew’s voice a second longer. “I’m starting to get a little sleepy. You mind if I let you go? You can call again anytime you want, of course.”
“Okay.”
“Try to get some sleep. Good night, Dwayne.”
“I love you, Frank.”
“I love you too, Dwayne. Very much so.”