Stupid brain
I've been having odd dreams of late, for no real reason I can figure; for example, in one of them, I was consoling Scott Kurtz of PVP, because his wife and child, which happened to be dolphins, had been killed by the government because they didn't realize they were someone's wife and child and wanted to experiment on them. That one was odd.
Last night was a bit more annoying, as I met a woman who was 'perfect for me' (not sure how I knew that, but I did) and not only did she reject me, she did so offhandedly, in a kind of 'don't be silly' kind of way. The kind of way that said 'there is nothing you have that I could ever want,' a way that completely rejected the idea of me as a potential relationship for any woman. That one was more irritating.
The first one I chalk up to my weird-ass brain, the second is one of those things that's really eaten at me for a long time; some stuff happened a long time ago that made me doubt my worth as a relationship partner, for a long time. Amusingly enough, this morning in the shower I was more pissed that something that happened fifteen years ago is still stuck in my head than anything. I guess that's progress?
I got past it (the fifteen years ago thing, I mean), but as with any kind of terrible coping mechanism (that's what it was, I was keeping myself from being hurt by convincing myself I wasn't good enough for a woman, so I would always have an excuse to not pursue any, etc etc), it gets stuck in your head and sometimes you end up falling back on it. This kind of crap has definitely affected any of my attempts at relationships, often coming up as crazy anxiety at the thought of approaching a woman. This has been incredibly hard to overcome, for reasons I won't go into.
Oddly enough I'm not really sure why my brain is throwing this at me now; there isn't any particular woman that I'm really wishing I could approach, at the moment, and I'm not all that stressed at work; I guess I've been having some anxiety over my DnD game, with some feelings of personal failure in what I'm attempting, so maybe that little bit of self-doubt makes my brain overreact a bit. Well, a lot. So, I will fight it's stupidity by telling all of you fine folks about it, something I don't normally talk about.
One of those things I try to keep hidden, really, as I have (mostly) dealt with it myself. And yes, I'm sure it would have gone MUCH FASTER if I'd talked to a professional; I don't really have a good reason why I didn't, except for stupid pride and not wanting to need help. I guess that's one of those 'if I knew then what I know now' kind of things. Today, I'd probably mope for a day or two, then find a therapist and get to work. I mean, I forced myself to be miserable for three years before I had a personal breakthrough and saw what an idiot I was being. Today, I know I don't deserve to live like that. Nobody deserves to live like that, really, especially not because of your own brain. Your brain should be your friend! Even if it does give you some weird dreams you don't understand sometimes.
In short; stupid brain.
Last night was a bit more annoying, as I met a woman who was 'perfect for me' (not sure how I knew that, but I did) and not only did she reject me, she did so offhandedly, in a kind of 'don't be silly' kind of way. The kind of way that said 'there is nothing you have that I could ever want,' a way that completely rejected the idea of me as a potential relationship for any woman. That one was more irritating.
The first one I chalk up to my weird-ass brain, the second is one of those things that's really eaten at me for a long time; some stuff happened a long time ago that made me doubt my worth as a relationship partner, for a long time. Amusingly enough, this morning in the shower I was more pissed that something that happened fifteen years ago is still stuck in my head than anything. I guess that's progress?
I got past it (the fifteen years ago thing, I mean), but as with any kind of terrible coping mechanism (that's what it was, I was keeping myself from being hurt by convincing myself I wasn't good enough for a woman, so I would always have an excuse to not pursue any, etc etc), it gets stuck in your head and sometimes you end up falling back on it. This kind of crap has definitely affected any of my attempts at relationships, often coming up as crazy anxiety at the thought of approaching a woman. This has been incredibly hard to overcome, for reasons I won't go into.
Oddly enough I'm not really sure why my brain is throwing this at me now; there isn't any particular woman that I'm really wishing I could approach, at the moment, and I'm not all that stressed at work; I guess I've been having some anxiety over my DnD game, with some feelings of personal failure in what I'm attempting, so maybe that little bit of self-doubt makes my brain overreact a bit. Well, a lot. So, I will fight it's stupidity by telling all of you fine folks about it, something I don't normally talk about.
One of those things I try to keep hidden, really, as I have (mostly) dealt with it myself. And yes, I'm sure it would have gone MUCH FASTER if I'd talked to a professional; I don't really have a good reason why I didn't, except for stupid pride and not wanting to need help. I guess that's one of those 'if I knew then what I know now' kind of things. Today, I'd probably mope for a day or two, then find a therapist and get to work. I mean, I forced myself to be miserable for three years before I had a personal breakthrough and saw what an idiot I was being. Today, I know I don't deserve to live like that. Nobody deserves to live like that, really, especially not because of your own brain. Your brain should be your friend! Even if it does give you some weird dreams you don't understand sometimes.
In short; stupid brain.