I guess
I guess it's time for an entry that actually means something. Most of you think I am pretty melodramatic so I tend to avoid writing anything in this thing that has any meaning to me, but here goes.
This weekend was full of a lot of emotion.
I had a breakdown Saturday night and have been on the verge of tears ever since. But I think it's all for the better. And crying my eyes out Saturday night to my girlfriend just showed me even more how much she loves me (god knows why) and how supportive she is of me. I feel so grateful to have her in my life.
So...end result: I decided to try therapy - for reals this time. I found a therapist who has experience in dealing with queer poly trans folks. Most importantly, she has experience dealing with people who have addictions. Most folks who read this are smokers so I don't expect you to get what I've been going through. Most of you know I've been trying to quit smoking for quite some time. Over a year in fact. But I just haven't been able to do it. I've tried about 15 different methods, read everything I could read, and would go for about a week before I failed again. I know it doesn't have to be this hard. It can actually be really easy when you are really ready and really committed to quitting. But, for whatever reason, I just can't fully commit myself. Something is holding me back and I feel so defeated. I'd like to say it's not a matter of life and death but whether you are in denial or not, we all know that it actually is. I don't want to die from cancer when I am 60, or worse, even earlier. And I don't want to spend all my extra cash feeding this addiction. But the stopping and starting was killing me, exhausting me, so now I am just going to regroup. I think this addiction means something more to me that I just can't explain and I hope this therapist will help me figure it out so that next time I quit, I can really really quit.
When I tried hypnotherapy, they try to help you realize things that you can replace smoking with. For me, it was talking. It was connecting to people, someone, anyone. Find a better friend to me than cigarettes have been. But, ofcourse, cigarettes have always been there for me and people are harder to come by. Friends don't call back, write, or make time the way they used to. Everything takes more effort now that our lives are so busy. I guess it's nobodies fault. That's how life goes. But I really need someone I can count on right now, and there isn't anyone except for my partner and that's not fair to her. I need to find other places to talk things out - even if that means that I have to fucking pay someone to listen to me. : )
Anyways, there have been lots of changes in my life too. I've lost 3 people this year. There have been changes in my body. Changes in my career. I think it'll be good to have a place to go to talk about these things without worry of being judged.
It's expensive though. But I am making more money now and I just keep telling myself that I have to prioritize my health. I really want to get out of debt and save up for top surgery, but health comes first. Right?
Anyways, you are probably bored if you have read this far. I just realize that I am usually not very honest on this thing for fear of how people will react, but I wanted to be honest for a change.
Things are still okay. I've got a wonderful partner, a great apartment, a grill!, a truck, and I have more financial stability now than I have ever had in my whole life. There's just a couple of things I need to work out.
Here's hoping for the best.
This weekend was full of a lot of emotion.
I had a breakdown Saturday night and have been on the verge of tears ever since. But I think it's all for the better. And crying my eyes out Saturday night to my girlfriend just showed me even more how much she loves me (god knows why) and how supportive she is of me. I feel so grateful to have her in my life.
So...end result: I decided to try therapy - for reals this time. I found a therapist who has experience in dealing with queer poly trans folks. Most importantly, she has experience dealing with people who have addictions. Most folks who read this are smokers so I don't expect you to get what I've been going through. Most of you know I've been trying to quit smoking for quite some time. Over a year in fact. But I just haven't been able to do it. I've tried about 15 different methods, read everything I could read, and would go for about a week before I failed again. I know it doesn't have to be this hard. It can actually be really easy when you are really ready and really committed to quitting. But, for whatever reason, I just can't fully commit myself. Something is holding me back and I feel so defeated. I'd like to say it's not a matter of life and death but whether you are in denial or not, we all know that it actually is. I don't want to die from cancer when I am 60, or worse, even earlier. And I don't want to spend all my extra cash feeding this addiction. But the stopping and starting was killing me, exhausting me, so now I am just going to regroup. I think this addiction means something more to me that I just can't explain and I hope this therapist will help me figure it out so that next time I quit, I can really really quit.
When I tried hypnotherapy, they try to help you realize things that you can replace smoking with. For me, it was talking. It was connecting to people, someone, anyone. Find a better friend to me than cigarettes have been. But, ofcourse, cigarettes have always been there for me and people are harder to come by. Friends don't call back, write, or make time the way they used to. Everything takes more effort now that our lives are so busy. I guess it's nobodies fault. That's how life goes. But I really need someone I can count on right now, and there isn't anyone except for my partner and that's not fair to her. I need to find other places to talk things out - even if that means that I have to fucking pay someone to listen to me. : )
Anyways, there have been lots of changes in my life too. I've lost 3 people this year. There have been changes in my body. Changes in my career. I think it'll be good to have a place to go to talk about these things without worry of being judged.
It's expensive though. But I am making more money now and I just keep telling myself that I have to prioritize my health. I really want to get out of debt and save up for top surgery, but health comes first. Right?
Anyways, you are probably bored if you have read this far. I just realize that I am usually not very honest on this thing for fear of how people will react, but I wanted to be honest for a change.
Things are still okay. I've got a wonderful partner, a great apartment, a grill!, a truck, and I have more financial stability now than I have ever had in my whole life. There's just a couple of things I need to work out.
Here's hoping for the best.